5 things that Sarah Palin had done since she left office.

1. Took up smoking, bought the patch, quit the habit.
2. Enrolled in Intro to American Government course at the University of Alaska Southeast. Dropped out.
3. Join gym, worked out once, stopped going.
4. Join Columbia House music club, bought required CDs, canceled membership
5. Watched "Brokeback Mountain" and is convinced she could quit Jake Gyllenhaal.

Attention TV Big Shots: Here are some dating shows you haven't forced upon us yet.

1. A handsome man finds love among a group of college girls and AARP members - Age Before Booty.
2. A librarian finds her socially awkward dream man and reshelves the others - Dewey Love Me or Dewey Not?
3. Sixth-graders compete for dream dates to Disney World - Tweens Gone Wild!!
4. A terminal ill hunk finds love from a group of 24 hospice nurses - I Can't Live Without You
5. A fine, upstanding girl picks the most righteous of 24 suitors but when it's time for him to propose, she reveals that she's a porn star - The Harlot Bride

6 Academy Award Best Pictures that most have not watched but which you should watch as soon as possible.

1. It Happened One Night - You'll see this movie reflected in hundreds of other movies produced in the decades that followed. And, it's still funny.
2. You Can't Take It With You - Everything I wrote above applies here as well.
3. The Best Years of Our Lives - Includes the most romantic scene ever filmed (in which a husband and wife discuss love with their daughter by telling her how often they've hated one another.) If you actually love someone, you'll be nodding in agreement that this is the most romantic scene ever filmed.
4. Marty - Ugly people are loveable too. One of the best movies you'll ever watch.
5. The Apartment - Billy Wilder's best movie, which is saying a LOT.
6. Shakespeare in Love - This was well received but it has the word Shakespeare in its title so many avoided it. You don't need a lit degree to enjoy this one.

My least favorite Academy Award winning Best Pictures

1.  The Life of Emile Zola - who the hell is Emile Zola? I've watched it and Paul Muni is always great to watch but still . . . yawn.
2.  Around the World in 80 Days - seemed like it lasted 100 days.
3.  Terms of Endearment - based upon this, you'd think James L. Brooks made his name writing soap operas rather than classic TV comedy
4.  Forrest Gump - he was part of every tedious CGI moment of the 60s and 70s
5.  The English Patient - there's nothing more enjoyable than a burn victim
6.  Crash - it's like an After School Special rolled in poop

The Greatest Show on Earth is often referenced as the worst Best Picture winner but I'm only listed movies I'm been able to watch all of the way through.

US cities that would make refreshing smoothies.

Oops, I posted this to the wrong blog yesterday.

1. Orange Beach, Alabama
2. Citrus Heights, California
3. Lemon Grove, California
4. Applewood, Colorado
5. Orange, Connecticut
6. Coconut Creek, Florida
7. Fruitland, Georgia
8. Mt. Carmel, Illinois
9. Lime Springs, Iowa
10. Plum Springs, Kentucky
11. Belchertown, Massachusetts

5 evolutionary traits of nerds including those that give them the edge over jocks.

1. Nerds convert Mountain Dew and Skittles into follicle and facial oils, which act as irritants to jock flesh.

2. Glee club provides an opportunity to develop relationships with cute girls who might defend them.

3. A doughy physique absorbs the impact of jock punches. Jocks have developed an evolutionary response in the "pink belly" since it deals it damage to the surface of nerds.

4."Continuity", particularly in terms of Star Wars and Star Trek, is a mating ritual. Male nerds who are able retain episode numbers and plot summaries are more likely to mate with female nerds.
5. Information technology careers provide more stable income than the insurance and car sales jobs performed by most jocks.

10 unintentional Comic-Con costumes

1.  Mullet Man
2.  Desperate Virgin 
3.  The Completist
4.  The Sinister Cleavage Glancer
5.  Jiggles, The Sonic Pot-Belly
6.  Unfortunate Tattoo Girl
7.  Margot Kidder
8.  The Uncanny Basement Dweller
9.  Random Normal Guy
10.  Harry Pothead

Most talented siblings

1.  Alec Baldwin
2.  Michael Penn
3.  Jeb Bush
4.  Lionel Barrymore
5.  Warren Beatty
6.  Pauline Esther Friedman
7.  Loretta Lynn
8.  Olivia DeHaviland
9.  Jim Belushi
10.  James Arness
11.  Shemp Howard - Don't even comment Moe or Curly.  Shemp is king.
12.  Joan Cusack

Tips to help you start your career as a carny.

1.  You should expect to provide your own tee-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
2.  Fancy professional tattoos are fine but employers will be looking for prison tattoos.  You do not need to have spent time in prison - just get an ink pen and a needle and then poke away.
3.  Not all carnival ride systems use color coded tickets. You should be prepared to count.
4.  Most of your diet will consist of food fried on sticks but this doesn't mean you shouldn't carry knife.
5.  During your interview, don't bogart that spleef.  The carny life is all about sharing.
6.  A classic carny interview tactic involves the juke box (interviews tend to be in bars.)  The interviewer will hand you a dollar and tell you to pick a song.  The correct answer is Rock Me Like A Hurricane by The Scorpions.
7.  Creepiness is to be encouraged. 
8.  Never go into an interview unless you are gloriously tanned.  Pale folks aren't carny material.
9.  If the interviewer asks about Carny Wilson, act like you don't know her.

8 cars that kinda scare me.

1. AMC Hornet
2. Dodge Super Bee
3. Ford Shelby Cobra
4. Plymouth Fury
5. Dodge Demon
6. Plymouth Barracuda
7. Ford Torpedo Runabout
8. Mercury Cyclone

Now that I've made the greatest ice cream ever, double chocolate with cayenne and praliened bacon, 5 other flavors I'm considering.

1.  Stout beer with chocolate covered pretzel pieces
2.  Sweet corn
3.  Strawberry Tuaca
4.  Sweet potato and brown sugar caramel
5.  Lemon curd with angel food cake pieces

Great funny movie series kids should be watching (better these than the junk they're watching on cable TV.)

1.  Ma and Pa Kettle
2.  The Bowery Boys
3.  Francis the Talking Mule
4.  Abbott and Costello
5.  Maisie
6.  Road movies
7.  Blondie
8.  Andy Hardy

Observations on perimenopausal waitresses and exposed boob flesh.

1.  A customer should never see a boob tattoo.
2.  A cami-top does not become appropriate waitress attire just because you're wearing your dress bra with it.
3.  If your stomach extends further from your spine than your boobs, then your boobs should be covered.
4.  If your boobs have the appearance of an old balloon that is no longer inflated, then your boobs should be covered.
5.  If any two of the following adjectives apply to your boobs, then your boobs should be covered:  speckled, wrinkled, tanned (as in leather), pockmarked, stretchmarked, hickie, poorly enhanced.
6.  If your boobs have finished their shift, then they should not be sitting at the bar drinking.  Your boobs should go home and cover themselves.
7.   If the boob within your bra is held firm but the old fleshy boob up near your chin(s) jiggles uncontrollably, then your boobs should be covered.
8.  Whatever it is that you're carrying to my table, it should not come into contact with your boobs, in particular your exposed boob skin.

Women's names that also happen to be pretty good songs.

1.  Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkle
2.  Gloria by Laura Brannigan (not Van Morrison)
3.  Amie by Pure Prairie League
4.  Beth by KISS
5.  Brandy by Elliot Lurie
6.  Bernadette by The Four Tops
7.  Michelle by The Beatles
8.  Alison by Elvis Costello
9.  Lucille by Little Richard
10.  Peg by Steely Dan
11.  Carrie Anne by The Hollies
12.  Roxanne by The Police
13.  Ophelia by The Band
14.  Angelina by Louis Prima  (Zooma Zooma Baccala)
15.  Athena by The Who
16.  Lola by The Kinks
17.  Layla by Derek and the Dominoes
18.  Angie by The Rolling Stones

10 Al Franken questions you didn't hear from the Sotomayor confirmation hearing.

1.  Which Brady Bunch girl do you feel best represents your judicial philosophy?
2.  I'm okay with this Senate thing 'cause of that "I'm Just A Bill" song but they didn't do a Supreme Court song. What exactly do they do?
3.  Did you see that Happy Days episode where the Fonz skijumped over a shark?  That was cool.
4.  1980 was the start of the Al Franken decade.  Tell me why 2010 will be the start of the Sonia Sotomayor decade?
5.  I'm not sure if this applies but I'll throw it out there anyway.  Boxers or briefs?
6.  I have this exercise I use to get a glimpse inside of other's thought processes.  Play along.  I'm Zan and you're Jayna.  Wonder Twins power ACTIVATE!  Now you have to say shape of something and I'll turn into an appropriate water-based counterpart.
7.  As a Supreme Court judge, will you be most like Simon, Randy, or Paula?
8.  Do you remember Flip Wilson?  You know where I'm going.  Here come da judge! Here come da judge!
9.  I have this card from Chris Harrison.  It says that we may forego our individual rooms and spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  What do you think . . . ?
10.  Do you know Judge Judy?  I always wanted to meet her.

The Prospect League All-Star game in list form.

1. I think I'll have a beer.
2. Hey, a home run derby!
3. Why do all of these 12 year old girls look like raccoons? Does Sherwin-Williams make mascara now?
4. Here comes, "o'er the land of the free." Is the R & B guy going to make the high note? YES!
5. I think I'll have a beer.
6. Okay, I'm not sure which it is. Either those pants are too small or her butt is too big.
7. This is the longest game I've ever seen. What inning is it . . . 5th!
8. Names on little girls softball uniforms: Brittanni, Sadye, Emiliee . . . hopefully they weren't breast-fed 'cause clearly their mamas are drinkers.
9. Thank God! Finally it's the top of the 9th and the home team is ahead. We can get this game over so I can go home. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 outs. It's ovah!
10. Why are they playing the bottom of the ninth? Am I at a tee-ball game? 1 . . .2 . . .3 outs yeah!
11. Why are they taking the field for the 10 inning? Come on, hold them, you're still up by one run.
12. Top of the 10th, 1 out, man on 1st and 3rd. There going to at least tie it and then I'll be here until morning. Long drive to center field, it's caught, the throw to home is perfect! So good the guy on third stops and goes back but the guy on first is going for second! Catcher throws to second - double play! Let's go home!
13. Why are they taking the field for the bottom of the 10th? They've now lost twice. Why does the coach keep coming out to talk to the pitcher? You gotta be kiddin' me, you're bringing in a reliever? "You can't win!"
14. Come on guys! Stop scoring runs, you've already won.
15. Yeah! Pretty fireworks.

10 songs that go poorly with garlic and sunlight.

1.  Blood on the Dance Floor by Michael Jackson
2.  Raining Blood by Slayer
3.  Dracula's Wedding by Outkast
4.  Love Bites by Def Leppard
5.  Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox
6.  The Stake by Steve Miller Band
7.  Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde
8.  We Bite by the Misfits
9.  Blood Stains and Bite Marks by Whole Wheat Bread
10. Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance

5 Match Game questions found in the Old Testament - Mark Goodson edition.

1.  Lot’s wife was a shameless harlot.  One night,
when they had guests for dinner, another woman’s husband asked her to
pass the salt and she handed him BLANK
2.  Noah was sooo dumb.  He thought God said that he would strain for forty days and nights so he built the world’s largest BLANK
3.  Mrs. Moses was the jealous type.  She went through the roof when she heard Moses talking about the BLANK
4.  Joseph said, "I'm never sending my coat to the dry cleaner again.  The last time I did,  it came back BLANK
5.  John McCain didn't kill his brother Abel, he just forgot to BLANK him.  (Yes, he's that old.)

5 ways that cheerleaders are like pancakes.

1.  They preferred to be stacked.
2.  They'd rather be golden than pale and tepid.
3.  They're sticky sweet but too much of them can make you sick to your stomach
4.  They both liked to be flipped.
5.  Similar IQs

Guest List: Attention world, stop using these words and phrases.

This idea comes from Dave. He started a furious email chain of people from 3 states using company time to goof on a Friday morning.

At the end of the day (Lou)
Any melding of celebrity names like Brangelina (Lou)
(Marty gets credit for creating a celebrity nickname for the future Sarah Palin/Dick Cheney pairing - Ditch.)
Sarah Palin (Lou)
Metrosexual (Mary)
Manny duty (Mary)
MANicure (Mary)
Cremains (Mary)
Showmance (Mary)
True Dat (Dave)
That's what she said (Dave)

Pud (Dave)
Fuc*in A (Dave)
Staycation (Dave)
Bromance (Dave)
Vetting (Dave)
Baby's Mama (Dave)