Anagrams for "Glenn Beck is a moron."

Greenback Inn Looms
Semblance Goon Rink
Embracing Kens Loon
A Noblemen Corks Gin
Blacken Omens Groin
A Broken Con Mingles
Beacon Longer Minks
A Cob Kneeling Morns
Backing Lemon Snore
A Globe Corn Kinsmen
A Benign Clerk Moons
Backlog Nine Sermon
A Broken Minces Long
Bacon Leering Monks
A Comb Kennel Signor
A Bronc Legmen Oinks

5 mostly true facts about Glenn Beck.

1. He is pursuing a stand-up comedy career.
2. He cuts his own hair while looking at his image reflected in the knob on the cabinet in which he keeps his cereal.
3. His first job at Fox was Tucker Carlson's fluffer.
4. He also cries when he gets stopped for a speeding ticket, during tax audits, when advertisers abandon his show - pretty much whenever he thinks squirting a few will help.
5. He doesn't necessarily believe what he says. He just imagines what you need to hear to add credence to your craziest beliefs because it makes him a LOT of money.

8 indications that I'm getting old

1. Youngsters annoy me.
2. Today's music is just noise
3. I like those pants with the invisible elastic - sansabelt
4. MLC Cafeteria is my new favorite restaurant (if you don't live near one, MLC is like a rave but with old people and at 4:30 in the afternoon rather than 4:30 in the morning.)
5. I think I have lumbago.
6. My bathroom drawer if filled with antacids, baby aspirin, sensitive toothpaste, and statin drugs.
7. The music I listened to in high school is considered retro.
8. I'm getting hard of hearing due to the tufts of hair in my ears.

5 reasons I'm rewatching LOST from the beginning.

1. I still have no idea what the monster is.
2. 10 episodes the main characters caged in a zoo must mean something.
3. Nikki and Paulo must have done something before they died.
4. I keep playing those number in the lottery and I haven't won so there must be a trick I haven't noticed.
5. To get lost in Sawyer blue eyes before the final season. (The first time through, I got stuck in a dimple and didn't make it to the eyes.)

You know you're a commie if . . .

1.  You went to a school that taught Liberal Arts.

2.  You think Giterdone is the title of a self-help movement.

3.  You've donated money to your local PBS station.

4.  You have a pre-existing condition.

5.  Your stomach resides somewhere beneath your pants and/or shirt.

6.  You think the North won.

7.  You type your lists on a Mac

8.  You don't use the word "ve-hick-al" but if you did, your vehicle would get more than 18 MPG.

9.  You turn to sad movies rather than Glenn Beck whenever you need a really good cry.

10. A God-fearing, gun-toting, hasn't-the-light-of-day-for-years-'cause-Fox-News-is-on-24-hours-a-day, America-loving person tells you that you're a commie.  (They know that the Communist Party quietly took over the US through our schools since LBJ was in office and they are the only people who can actually see Commies so you have to believe them when the tell you that you are one.)

Why I turned off The Spirit after 15 minutes

1.  It was poorly written

2.  It was poorly directed

3.  It was poorly acted

4.  It bore no resemblance to its source material

5.  Allowing Samuel L. Jackson and Eve Mendes to appear in the same movie is like allowing a goat to fly a plane.  

The September banned list - please update your systems accordingly.

1. Divas
2. Madonnas (living)
3. Hasselhoffs
4. Hurricanes
5. Overly produced reality shows (you may edit but don't arrange reality for them)
6. Cell phone holsters
7. Mojitos
8. Rachael Ray baby talk words
9. Rachael Ray
10. Vampires on television and in movies

10 things I'd want from Windows 7, if I were going to buy it

1. It should turn on and be ready to use within 5 minutes
2. It should allow me to do what I'd like to do within asking me if I really want to do it.
3. It should easily allow me to reformat my hard-drive and reinstall it once my system is corrupted. Because my system will become corrupted.
4. It should come with a detailed, simple-to-use control panel that allows me to turn off all the junk I don't want to use and which is slowing my system to a crawl.
5. It should allow me to choose an Internet-Only mode which commits 100% of my system resources to this relatively simple task.
6. It should do 20 things well rather than 1000 things poorly.
7. It should protect me from viruses through smart design rather than by preventing me from doing the work I need to get done.
8. It should realize that I'm just some guy writing a blog and not some multi-national corporation with a million employees and 2 million computers and peripherals.
9. It should recognize the millions of times that a program stops responding and figure out why.
10. It should never enter my mind. Tools are for use, not analysis.

Judging criteria for Miss Cougar America

15% - creative spackling
15% - aura of desperate sluttiness
15% - fashion statement employing Hello Kitty wear and tiny backpacks
15% - commitment to tanning bed (spray tan allowed but includes a deduction)
15% - hormonal facial hair grooming
15% - boob job
15% - willingness to stand on a stage in front of a bunch of horny men at an age when you should have a greater sense pride and self-worth.

If my job were food it would be . . .

1. A stack of pancakes with maple syrup washed down with a big class of grapefruit juice.
2. Braunschweiger soup
3. Peppermint tongue sandwich
4. Rechewed beans
5. A stew made from idiots, incompetents, leeches, and the otherwise unemployable.

Really good documentaries I watched I Roku

1. Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession
2. King of Kong
3. I Like To Kill Flies
4. Harvard Beat Yale 29-29

10 arguments in the same vein as "It was an awfully cool August so there's no such thing as global warming."

1. I didn't die today so I must be immortal.
2. I didn't have to go into work today so I must be unemployed.
3. It's not my birthday so I must have been created in a lab.
4. Mike Tyson has never thrown a punch at me so he must be afraid of me.
5. I love chicken so I must be a rooster.
6. I looked at the calendar so I must be able to see the future.
7. I'm typing this list so my name must be Gutenberg
8. The sky is red at sunset so I must be on Mars.
9. Heidi Montag danced on TV so she must be talented.
10. No one called me a moron today so I must be a genius.

Things that are tucked inside H.R. 3200 - for God's sake read the bill!

1. Cash for Kidneys organ harvesting program
2. Government mandated cancer

3. Government option is a punchcard which allows five medical contacts per year - but you get a free bottle of Viagra if you use all of the punches.

4. Tic Tac mints now considered analgesics
5. Morgues required to hire recruiters for Obama's army of the undead
6. Democratic precinct chairs allowed to smother random grandmothers

10 things, other than ketchup, that are tasty with french fries.

1. Habanero honey (this is also my stripper name)
2. Cocktail sauce
3. Welsh rarebit sauce
4. Vinegar
5. Gravy
6. Oregano and lemon juice
7. Chipotle mayonnaise
8. BBQ sauce
9. Honey mustard
10. Milkshake

10 words you can use to insult stupid people

1. Prevaricate
2. Abscond
3. Finagle
4. Controvert
5. Repine
6. Atrabilious
7. Pernicious
8. Edacious
9. Rapacious
10. Anesthetic

Plaid things that are kinda cool

1. Scotch Brand Invisible Tape
2. Rowdy Roddy Piper
3. Butterscotch Schnapps bottles
4. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
5. Catholic school girl skirts
6. 80's era burn-out shirts

6 dicey live-action children's programs from my youth

1. The Harlem Globetrotters Popcorn Machine - with Rodney Allen Rippy
2. Shazam/Isis
3. Eltra-Woman and Dynagirl/Dr. Shrinker
4. Far Out Spacenuts - with Bob Denver
5. The Ghostbusters - with Larry Storch
6. The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Hour with Rod Hull and his angry emu

What to expect on the first day of the school year.

1. No parking spaces
2. Returning students happy to be back (until the homework starts)
3. People who look lost
4. Crazy people (they always come out of the woodwork and decide that the first day of the year is the best day to decide to go back to school.)
5. Girls wearing their "first day of school" outfits.
6. People wearing pajamas in public.
7. Financial aid cons skipping out now that they have their money.

State fair combinations that I enjoy

1. Corn dogs and lemon shake-ups
2. Tube tops and tans
3. Carnival rides and screaming kids
4. Rainstorms and beer tents
5. Curry and import beer
6. Hot grease and things on sticks
7. Gaudy lights and cool breezes
8. Butter cows and cream puffs

10 State Fair combinations I could do without.

1. Cankles and stretch pants
2. Eating dinner and the wafting aroma a cow dung
3. Cheap beer and high prices
4. Cover bands and functional auditory organs
5. Old ladies and prison tats
6. Large pedestrian crowds and idiots driving golf carts
7. Sham-wow barkers and holy-rollers
8. Red-necks and T-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
9. Carnival rides and not having a last will and testament
10. 80's rock bands and songs from their new albums