10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where to live

1. Showgirls who wash their cars a lot.
2. People who view mowing their neighbors' lawns as good exercise.
3. Employers who believe in naps, massage therapy, and allowing you to bring your dog to work.
4. Donut store locations.
5. People who own their own inflatable bouncy houses.
6. People who will let me borrow their trucks when I have something big to move. (Includes only those who have a valid reason to own a truck and excludes trucks with testicles.)
7. British people. (Can be extended to other nationalities as long as the people have cute accents and say colorful things like "gobsmacked," "Bob's your uncle," "knackered."
8. Old people - old enough to be great neighbors but young enough that I might decide to move away before they die.
9. Cartoonists. #3 from the previous list would exclude the drunk guy who does "Mallard Fillmore," although I'm not sure he's a cartoonist. More of an angry mope with a Kolinsky brush and a syndicator.
10. IQ scores.

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where NOT to live

1. People who own cars or motorcycles with exhaust systems designed to make noise rather than to muffle the sound of their obnoxious engines.
2. Trucks with testicles.
3. People who spend an inordinate amount of their time writing letters-to-editors, listening to talk radio, or watching cable news channels.
4. Hippies - although they should be categorized into fun hippies and obnoxious hippies. It's hard not to like a fun hippie.
5. People who go through life feeling that everyone they encounter is determine to assault, rape, car-jack, defame, or pillage them.
6. Muffin-tops.
7. Anyone over the age of 25 who first thinks, "getting a tattoo/face piercing will make me attractive/cool/edgy.
8. People who demand to know what Brittany/Ashton/Lindsey/Paris/Nicole/JoliePitt/anyone on The Hills have done in the past 24 hours.
9. Women who wear specially purchased "outfits" particularly those that involve denim or themed sweaters.
10. People who equate morality with their personal/political beliefs.

6 PBS shows I watched as a kid.

1. Seseme Street
2. Mr. Rogers
3. The Electric Company
4. Big Blue Marble
5. 3-2-1 Contact
6. The French Chef

9 great Buster Keaton silent movies

1. One Week
2. Cops
3. Our Hospitality
4. Sherlock Jr.
5. The Navigator
6. The General
7. College
8. Steamboat Bill Jr.
9. The Cameraman

10 great Charlie Chaplin silent movies

1. The Bank
2. The Floorwalker
3. The Rink
4. The Cure
5. The Immigrant
6. Shoulder Arms
7. The Circus
8. The Gold Rush
9. City Lights
10. Modern Times

7 differences between Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.

1. Chaplin was British, Keaton was American.
2. Chaplin trained in Beer Halls (talking wasn't allowed on stage so he studied pantomime), Keaton did an vaudeville act with his parents.
3. In their early days, Chaplin worked with Stan Laurel, Keaton worked with Fatty Arbuckle.
4. Chaplin wore a bowler hat, Keaton wore a pork pie hat.
5. Chaplin retained ownership of his films and was rich, Keaton sold his film rights early on and struggled with money.
6. Chaplin directed Keaton (in Limelight), Keaton never directed Chaplin.
7. Chaplin married 3 teenaged girls (16, 17, 18), Keaton married 3 adults.

4 differences between muffins and cupcakes.

1. Muffins are a quick bread which require minimal mixing once liquid is added to the flour and cupcakes are cake which require creaming butter and sugar.
2. Muffins are bad for you at breakfast time, cupcakes are bad for you at other times.
3. There is no cupcake man.
4. Woman not likely to be called "mufffin" by a construction worker.

10 reasons that people hate "the green movement."

1. Crude oil tastes like honey to them.
2. Reusable grocery totes are specifically mentioned in The Communist Manifesto.
3. Can't read in bed with anything less than a 1000w bulb in their lamps.
4. Conservation is a sign that you aren't affluent. (If you can't afford to drive an H2 to pick up a gallon of milk, don't judge me.)
5. It snowed last winter so there's no such thing as global warming.
6. Conservation is sciencey and sciencey things are an affront to Jesus.
7. Main-stream liberal media. (No real reason here, just citing MSLM allows any fool to believe whatever they wish regardless of fact and can be used as unassailable proof in any argument.)
8. It's just a fad and anyone buying into it is naive.
9. Have you seen the size of a soccer ball? How can you expect to transport a soccer ball AND an 8 year-old in anything smaller than an Escalade?
10. We need lower taxes and smaller government. (I'm not sure what these have to do with being green but those who hate conservation seem to talk about these ideas a lot.)

5 types of fairy tale villains.

1. Wicked witches
2. Bitter step-mothers
3. Carnivorous animals.
4. Landlords
5. Women of all sorts

4 things that can be added to a good cup of coffee, if you insist.

1. Rum
2. Milk and sugar
3. Hot cocoa
4. Cake donut (dunked of course.)

For goodness sake, stop killing good coffee with crappy flavors. If you don't like the taste of coffee, don't drink it.

Things you need to add to a good cup of coffee.

5 things that white, puffy clouds look like.

1. Bunny rabbits
2. Cotton candy
3. Smiling faces
4. The smoke from a horrible explosion
5. The fists of a vengeful god beating upon the Earth in retribution for our actions.

10 Top Ten Movies List Overlooked By AFI

1. Musicals
2. Adventures
3. Action
4. Horror/suspense
5. Comedies
6. Period Drama
7. Biography
8. Heist
9. Holiday
10. Guilty Pleasures

AFI's Ten Top Tens - Good Eleventh Movies

1. Animation - Kiki's Delivery Service (or South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut if it has to be a Hollywood movie.)
2. Fantasy - Sherlock Jr. (If you've never seen it, stop everything and watch it now. Go!)
3. Sci-Fi - Planet of the Apes
4. Sports - The Natural
5. Western - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
6. Gangster - Angels With Dirty Faces (Yeah, it's got the Dead-End Kids, soon to be known as the Bowery Boys, but the last ten minutes are brilliant for two of the Irish Mafia - James Cagney and, in his greatest screen moment, Pat O'Brien.)
7. Mystery - The Thin Man (How can you list top ten mysteries with it?)
8. Romantic Comedy - The Apartment
9. Courtroom Drama - Fury
10. Epics - eh, who needs epics.

3 Food Network stars who ought to fade away.

1. Rachael Ray - of course you can cook pasta or make a sandwich in 30 minutes.
2. Sandra Lee - to make a cake, buy a cake mix and a can of frosting and serve enough vodka so that no one notices.
3. Paula Deen - hey y'all, I'm abnoxious and overly staged. Har har har har.

6 Food Networks stars whose food opinion I trust

1. Giada DeLaurentis
2. Bobby Flay
3. Jamie Oliver
4. Alton Brown
5. Emeril Lagasse
6. Mario Batali

3 reasons to keep your mouth shut tight.

1. Frog in my throat.
2. Cat got your tongue.
3. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

4 magazines I read as a kid.

1. Highlights (hardcover editions)
2. Dynamite
3. Cracked
4. Mad

4 things Hulk says while making mashed potatoes.

1. Puny Banner, peel.
2. HULK IS STRONGEST ONE THERE IS! (while opening sour cream)
3. Don't make Hulk angry. You wouldn't like Hulk when angry. (said to a pot boiling over.)
4. HULK SMASH POTATOES!

5 sing-song words

1. dilly dally
2. heebie jeebie
3. hoighty toighty
4. hoi poloi
5. jeepers creepers