Now that Rod Blagojevich has no income, 10 classic ad campaigns his PR people are trying to revive so that he can endorse the products

1. Brillcreme - A little vat'll do ya
2. CoCo Puffs - I'm cuckoo and I eat CoCo Puffs
3. Calgon - Lock me away
4. Charmin Toilet Tissue - Cellmate, please don't squeeze my "charmin"
5. Almond Joy - Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you do
6. Trident Gum - 4 out of 5 state senators surveyed recommended I be removed from office. Okay, it was 5 out of 5.
7. Ivory Soap - 99 and 44/100th percent guilty
8. Libby's Canned Food - If it says Blago, Blago, Blago on the label, label, label, you must pay him, pay him, pay him, under the table, table, table.
9. Memorex - Is it live or effin' Memorex
10. Sara Lee - Everybody doesn't like something but nobody doesn't not like me.

6 commercials we can all do without

1. Anything trying to convince me not to be a meth-head.
2. ANYTHING INTRODUCED BY BILLY MAYS!!!!
3. Roni Deutsch. Let me get this straight. You make enough money to owe $30,000 in taxes but you end up paying less than me thanks to Roni? Fine, but everyone who pays all of their taxes should be allowed to punch Roni Deutsch in the kidney.
4. Anything with people licking Oreo cookies. This is a fetish for 0.005% of the population and disgusting for everyone else.
5. Anything that suggests that a cartoon bear can't wipe its butt without leaving toilet paper residue.
6. Anything that takes advantage of the limited intellect of those who feel they need a hemi. Can't they just buy a typical 8-cylinder gas-guzzler and save $10,000?

Okay, Anthony Bourdain, who is on my television right now, has made listing irrelevant. He asks, "What's hot, humid and smells like a turd slathered in warm durian?" It's the Furnas hot springs which is "like a wet fart." How rank are the springs? "If you've ever nibbled egg salad scraped off someone's taint."