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February 22, 2009

Why are these people on the Academy Awards?

1. Mylie Cyrus
2. Sarah Jessica Parker (They put peanut butter on her teeth to make it look like she's talking.)
3. Vanessa Hudgins (Is it too much to ask that our national culture be defined by people who have least attended high school rather than those who just pretended to attend high school in order to sell basic cable commercial time?)
4. Seth Rogen (clearly you can turn an Oscar into a bong - HEY, I wrote this when I saw him on the red carpet and he just stole my joke!)
5. Goldie Hawn's boobs (you're 64 years old and we've seen them a LOT so please buy a shirt and wear it from time to time.)
6. Jennifer Aniston (Her career highlight this year was turning 40 and still having a body that can be made viewable with Photoshop. Way to go least talented girlfriend of Brad Pitt.)
7. Jessica Biel (will your publicist ever allow us to be rid of you?)
8. Beyonce (do we have to drive a stake through her heart to keep her off he Oscars? After this musical tribute to the rebirth of the movie musical, the movie musical has decided to kill itself.)
9. Baz Luhrmann, the leopard slug of Australian cinema (quick get the salt.)
10. Bill Maher (too ugly for Hollywood and high def.)
11. Zach Efron and Alicia Keyes (Are there any movie stars willing to participate this year? Did the producers just empty out a night club?)
12. Queen Latifa (1. If you're not a rapper anymore stop using your rapper nom de plume. 2. You don't sing a love song in memorium.)

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