Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

March 31, 2009

5 super-powers that Dick Cheney may have but never mentioned.

I'm unsure if he has all or even any of these powers just that there are sources that suggest their existence.

1. Mind control. Given his seeming paranoia that everyone is after him, his ability to control minds may be tempered by an occasional lack of bladder control. I'm not sure if these two issues are related. Like, in order to control our minds, he has to pee a little in his pants.
2. Super-human mechanical strength. As I've suggested on this blog before, Cheney is actually a cyborg (Cheneybot-2000 Mark III model cyborgs to be specific.) Rumor has it that during one of his many medical emergencies, his brain and liver were removed from his body and placed in the first of a series of ever-improving cyborgs bodies. A competing cyborg rumor is that he might really be a cyborg who has gone back in time to warn us of something. Given his record, I'm thinking that this rumor isn't true or else there's something much worse before us.
3. Invisibility. You can't see him on Google Earth and didn't see him for the better part of his eight years in office. Fox News cameras seem to be the only devices that can document his presence.
4. He has the ability to heal the wounds of those he shoots in the face. Documentation of this power is obvious in that we've never heard of the many enemies he's shot in the face - he healed them.
5. Waterboarding - it's not what you think. There is a chance that he is one of two Wonder Twins who activate their powers with magic rings. One of them can take the form of water and the other of wood. It's unclear which power is Chaney's. Internet rumors suggest that the other Wonder Twin's name is Phillip and he lives in a man-sized safe.

March 30, 2009

The nerd food chain (from bottom to top.)

1. Flea market collectibles dealers
2. Pet adoption zealots and/or people who buy dog food/cat litter in 50 pound bags..
3. Band members (excludes rock band members)
4. Bloggers
5. Star Trek/War fans
6. Comic book collectors (They are higher level than Star Trek/War fans although these two groups are often referred to as the conjoined twins of nerd-dom.
7. Martial arts meat heads
8. Congress
9. Fantasy football leaguers
10. Al Gore

March 29, 2009

6 endearments that should be avoided by diabetics.

1. Sweety Pie
2. Cookie Pants
3. Honeybun
4. Sugar Bear
5. My Lil' Tater Pancake
6. Splendita (I think this is Spanish)

March 28, 2009

5 reasons that my state does not need a concealed-carry law.

1. The most recent census noted that my state is 87% stupid, 76% paranoid, and 80% afraid of minorities.
2. Home prices would plummet as the newly armed leave their bunkers and flood into traditional neighborhoods.
3. Cell phone reception would be degraded as guard towers pop up throughout the landscape.
4. Dog pounds would overflow with Doberman Pinschers and Rottweilers.
5. I would end up shooting someone, possibly myself.

March 27, 2009

8 hobo cologne scents.

1. Stew
2. Stink Lines
3. Bad Mango (limited availability for Brazilian hobos)
4. Spitoon
5. Pork and Beans
6. Stogies and Chives
7. Eau de Boxcar
8. Sierra Mist

March 26, 2009

10 reasons that we should build a border fence between Florida and the rest of us.

1. Lionel Tate - life sentence without parole at 12 years of age for a WWF related rough-housing that resulted in death.
2. Elián González
3. Parrot-heads
4. Terry Shiavo
5. Crazy astronauts in diapers
6. Dead mother social security checks
7. George W. Bush/Al Gore voting
8. Mark Foley (Congressman with hot-pants for pages.)
9. Katherine Harris (she merits her own listing since she's continued to be a typical Floridian since 2000.)
10. Caylee and Haleigh's parents

To be continued . . .

March 25, 2009

5 reasons that so many people read the Heroes Drinking Game post.

1. They are nerds.
2. They are drunks
3. They are nerds who want to appear cool enough to be drunks.
4. They are drunks who seek nerdiness as a denial mechanism.
5. They are lazy and should be working rather than spending employer time reading blogs.

Thankfully, lazy, drunk nerds are my target demographic.

March 24, 2009

If celebrities were zombies, 10 ways you could avoid falling prey to their fabulous zombie attacks.

1. Mylie Cyrus - no brain to destroy so you just have to ignore her; that will kill her.
2. Gordon Ramsey - cut out tongue and the inability to curse will lead to his head exploding.
3. Jimmy Fallon - laugh at his jokes and he'll die of shock.
4. William Shatner - tighten his girdle until his eyes pop out.
5. Hugh Hefner - don't worry, he'll just stumble about harmlessly trying to look down your shirt (and hoping your female.)
6. Hugh Laurie - contact gordonshumway on Twitter; she'll sacrifice herself and make out with him until he's dead, or at least really sleepy.
7. Rush Limbaugh - sprinkle Oxycontin behind you are you run away; he can't resist that stuff.
8. Mickey Rourke - he's only active every five or six years so you may never have to deal with his zombie version; if you do, botox him.
9. The cast of the Mama Mia movie - two options: play the movie soundtrack and force them to listen (nearly killed me) or contact the movie's editor (he's butchered them once so he should be able to do it a second time.)
10. Sarah Palin - invite zombie Palin to dinner but don't mention that you've also invited Katie Couric; Couric not likely to survive so win/win.

LIST DEVELOPMENT: My Daily List need you! (And then he may need a stiff drink.)

Okay, I'll admit it, I may be starting to form a positive opinion of Nadya Suleman. Oh, who am I kidding, she's been cooler than Barack Obama for the past 24 hours! She not only fires Angels in Waiting, AKA The Dr. Phil Show home version, she also has the police remove Gloria Allred from her home. If having Allred forcably removed from my home were available on eBay, I would dip into my 403b to bid on it.

Octomom deserves a chance in list form: X reasons that Octomom is cooler than we ever imagined. Problem is, I can only come with the two I mentioned and two is not a list. Help! why else is she cool?

1. She spit in Dr. Phil's eye.
2. She called the police on Gloria Allred.
3. . . .?
4. . . . .?

Don't leave a brother hangin'. Comment below.

March 23, 2009

The Heroes drinking game, just in time for tonight's show.

1. Whenever Hiro or Ando's dialog is subtitled, take a drink.
2. Whenever you're distracted by Sylar's unibrow, take a drink.
3. Whenever Noah Bennet battles super powered foes armed with only a taser and a pair of retro eyeframes, take a drink.
4. Whenever you realize that Claire-bear is that annoying girl in US Magazine who has a dolphin fetish, take a drink.
5. Whenever you wonder aloud, "Why in the hell am I still watching this show?", take a drink.

(As I was looking up how to spell the character's names, I discovered that, now that Pushing Daisies has been canceled, Bryan Fuller will be returning to the writing staff of Heroes at the end of this season. Maybe it will be worth watching again next year?)

March 22, 2009

5 reasons that reading comic books is bad for you.

1. Kevin Smith seems funny and smart.
2. Actual boobs less interesting the She-Hulk boobs, particularly the real boobs you'll find at a 'con.
3. Even the most mediocre college will offer only a few courses about graphic novels so earning that degree in comparative lit is practically impossible.
4. Better than average chance that there is lycra or spandex in your closet somewhere.
5. Mountain Dew and Skittles physique forever relegates you to sidekick status.

March 20, 2009

Now that the AIG bonus army's names have been released, 5 things they can buy with their new found millions.

1. Body armor
2. Security force
3. A moat around their castles
4. A safe room
5. A soul - they can't really buy a soul but they can try to buy theirs back from Satan.

March 19, 2009

10 bar orders that double as flirting for the young and uninteresting.

1. Comfortable Screw
2. Bloated Bag of Monkey Spunk
3. My Johnson Is Ten Inches Long
4. Legspreader #2
5. Hop, Skip, and Go Naked
6. Creme de Spooge
7. Golden Shower
8. Purple Penis
9. Poontang
10. Tiffany's Wet and Ready

March 18, 2009

6 things that Alberto Gonzeles has been up to recently.

1. Discovering that Charmin is softer and more absorbent than Constitution.
2. Negotiating an endorsement deal with Alberto VO5. Potential tagline: Eeewww, Alberto.
3. Opening a chain of Water Boarding Water Parks in time for summer. Water boarding, it seems, is a recreational activity that is good clean fun.
4. Writing a memoir to document the two or three things he remembers from his time in office.
5. Representing Dick Cheney who is being sued by Satan for copyright infringement.
6. Laughing his ass off as he enjoys his pension and life-long health care.

March 17, 2009

10 reasons I'm not celebratng Saint Patrick's Day.

1. 8 years of wearing forest green Sears Toughskins while attending St. Patrick's Grade School
2. Sandra Day O'Connor's majority opinion in Mississippi University for Women v. Hogan. Thanks to this daughter of Erin, Mr. Hogan got into an all-female nursing school and now we're up to our elbows in murses.
3. It's always best to stay home on the herd-thinning days so that you don't end up as collateral damage. The herd-thinning days are: New Years Eve, Super Bowl Sunday, St. Patrick's Day, Fourth of July, the day before Thanksgiving (when all the fratboys come home), and the first day of squirrel season. Let's face it, no one is hungry enough to rely on squirrel meat so squirrel season is strictly for those who like to drink and shoot at things.
4. Green beer is an affront to humanity.
5. I bought all of The Cranberries CDs but, with the exception of Zombie, all of their songs sound the same. They owe me at least 30 bucks.
6. My doctor has recommended a low-vomit diet.
7. If it weren't for this day and its corned beef dinners, there'd be a whole lot more delicious pastrami in the world.
8. "Dia dhuit" is Irish for "hello" and that's pronounced "djee-ah gwitch." Those letters don't produce those sounds! How can you celebrate a culture that pronounces letters that aren't included in the words!
9. In a world that has produced great pirate names like Black Beard, Redbeard, Capt. William Kidd, and Calico Jack, the most infamous Irish pirate is Grace O'Malley.
10. I have to stay home and vote for that precious Scott MacIntryre on American Idol and I'm pretty sure he's Scottish.

March 16, 2009

An empirical analysis of The Rachael Ray Show

In an effort to be fair to Rachael Ray, I watched her program today and here is what I learned:

1. 3 great recipes! all of which involved buying lunch meats and cheese and using a Rachael Ray branded panini pan or the Griddler available at Kohls.
2. Ten minutes of discussing my first period. Well, not mine so much since I'm a dude, but ladies you're supposed to be telling your girlfriends about 'it' whether they want to know or not. Go ahead, discuss. I'll wait.
3. Sex and the City (because everyone is dying for information about it.)
4. wowowow.com? I'm not sure but I think it's a support group for botox addicts.
5. Salad-a-ghetti. How did no one ever think to combine a a traditional dinner salad and spaghetti and meatballs? You're going to end up pooping it all out together anyway so why not make a trough of your dinner plate?

March 15, 2009

Now that I'm cooler than you because I bought an iPhone, 5 apps or accessories I need so that I can feel complete.

1. Taser
2. iWant To Punch (locates bars, restaurants coffeeshops etc in your area and alerts you to which ones are filled with loudmouth jerks talking on their iPhones with bluetooth headsets.)
3. Brown note generator
4. iNightLight (like the iFlashLight but dimmer and less useful.)
5. iPhone Personal Vibrator (Oh, wait, that already exists. Twice. I mean thrice.)

March 14, 2009

GUEST LIST: Food Network: The Good, The Bad, The Rachael

Guest contribution from @mtefood.

Top Ten Programs
1. Tyler’s Ultimate. Tyler Florence; Easy to recreate and tasty recipes.
2. Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. Anne Burrell; She is very good and very informative.
3. Good Eats. Alton Brown; I have no problem including humor with cooking information.
4. Giada At Home. Giada De Laurentiis; I like Italian and she is very easy on the eyes.
5. Iron Chef. I generally don’t like this genre but these chefs have street cred; (Morimoto, Flay, Batali). Why they do this crap I really don’t understand. (See #9 Below)
6. That's all I got.

The Bad
1. Rachael Ray. Unless you have a crew preparing ingredients, you can’t do this stuff in thirty minutes.
2. Rachael Ray. I've had an expense account for 20 years and $40 just doesn’t cut it.
3. Rachael Ray. EVOO. Saying Olive Oil (3 syllables) is easier to say than EVOO (4 syllables). Since she has only thirty minutes maybe she should be a little more efficient with her language.
4. Rachael Ray. The only products she should be promoting are Training Bras.
5. Rachael Ray. Can’t even get away from her even when she is on vacation. Who cares where she goes.
6. Rachael Ray
7. Rachael Ray
8. Cat Cora. If I want a Steak Bomb and Fries, I'll give you a call.
9. Any show that uses a timer. Timers should only be used in Football, Futbol, and Basketball.
10. Any other show not previously mentioned.
11. Rachael Ray

From the Desk of My Daily List: Rachael Ray has defeated Martha Stewart in the first round of the Douchebags bracket of this years Deceiver Madness 09 Hypocrite of the Year tournament. Monday, Rach is up against Speidi (that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt for all of you who aren't aware of their couple name (they're useless celebutantes for all of you who lead productive lives.)) VOTE RACHAEL! (who published a dog recipe that included onions, which as any dog advocate knows, are poisonous to dogs.)

March 13, 2009

9 items from my Friday night starting vacation dinner

1. Squid Salad
2. Tuna Avocado Roll
3. BBQ Eel Roll
4. (One piece) Tiger Roll
5. (One piece) Zombie Roll
6. (Two pieces) gunkan-maki with masago roe
6. Asahi beer
7. Sake
8. 4 stale peeps
9. Dessert: Gin and Tonic

(If I weren't starting vacation, I'd get a note from Jeremy Piven's doctor saying I caught the mercury poisoning so I didn't have to go in on Monday.)

March 12, 2009

10 T.S. Eliot cat names (for the totally manly crowd.)

1. Bombalurina
2. Bustopher Jones
3. Jennyanydots
4. Macavity
5. Mungojerrie
6. Rumpleteaser
7. Jellylorum
8. Mr. Mistofflees
9. Grizabella (drama queen)
10. Griddlebone

March 11, 2009

10 sour treats that are wicked sweet

1. Lemon Honeymooner (a key player in the donut world)
2. Lemon Curd
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Archway Frosty Lemon Cookies
5. Lemon Ice
6. Limoncello
7. Lemon Bars
8. Lemonheads
9. Lemon Shake Ups (with vodka if you please)
10. Lemon Angel Food Cake with Lemon Glaze

March 10, 2009

March 9, 2009

5 reasons why this list sucks. (Very meta.)

1. It was a long day.
2. I don't see you writing a list every day.
3. Garfield and I have a hard time with Mondays.
4. Schedule all messed up now that my Monday's don't include watching that creepy Bachelor guy.
5. I hear the octomom is buying a new house and I'm really worried that she might move in next door to me.

March 8, 2009

The liberal idiot's Prius is a year old today. Here are the stats.

Since trading in my 2000 Galant I have . . .

1. . . . purchased 161 fewer gallons of gas.
2. . . . driven 3033 additional miles on the gallons I have purchased.
3. . . . lower U.S. demand for foreign oil by 8.25 barrels.
4. . . . saved approximately $551 on fuel
5. . . . reduced greenhouse emissions by 3217 pounds.

I'm such a commie for conserving fuel. If it helps, I leave the lights on when I leave the room and open the windows with the air conditioner on to prove I love America.

March 7, 2009

Am I a liberal idiot? 10 things which suggest that I might be.

Someone just commented on the WordPress My Daily List site (which was a temporary home while I played with their tools.) According to the comment, I am a liberal idiot. I never thought about it but I must be if these things are true.

1. I have an advanced degree in something other than accounting or computer science.
2. I own a blazer. (The thing with elbow patches and not the SUV.)
3. I don't watch cable news so I'm blind to the truth.
4. I personally know and have spoken to gays AND lesbians, occasionally even at the same time.
5. I love Marx and Lennon. (Groucho and John rather than Karl and Vladimir but they were pinkos too.)
6. The only gun I own shoots caulk.
7. I drive a Prius. (It doesn't look like a Soviet-era car by accident.)
8. I'm not a veteran. (I must hate America.)
9. Last week, a potential student came to my office for information. She was . . .Iranian! I actually spoke with her. (I must hate America.)
10. Oh yeah! I work at a school. I have to be a commie, right?

March 6, 2009

All right! This is a hostage situation! You'll all get out of here alive if I get these 10 demands!

1. Marathon Bars
2. My innocence
3. Sunn Classic movies
4. Space Food Sticks
5. Dynamite Magazine
6. Christmas wonder
7. Banana seats
8. Saturday morning cartoons (and the Friday night preview show each September.)
9. Baggy little league pants
10. Panasonic R-70 Panapet Transistor Radio

March 5, 2009

10 diseases of the eye (real and metaphorical)

1. Glaucoma
2. Real Housewives of Orange County, Atlanta, and New York
3. Conjunctivitis
4. Frank Langella running naked down the hallway in 1997's "Lolita". There was no warning so I couldn't avert my eyes and 12 years later I still can't get it out of my head.
5. Macular Degeneration.
6. Tyra Banks. Watching her opens a direct pathway for uselessness to run between the outside world and my brain.
7. Stargardt's Disease
8. Octomom's pregnant stomach AKA a topographical map of Patagonia.
9. Diabetic Retinopathy
10. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

March 4, 2009

A MYDAILYLIST QUIZ: Ladies, is your man a meat-head?

Consider each meat-head trait. Does it describe your man?

1. Does he shave his head so that no one will suspect his hair is thinning?
2. When coming indoors, does he wear his sunglasses on the back of his head?
3. If pressed, could he tune to Spike TV without looking up the channel number?
4. Does he use the phrase 'get 'er done' more than twice a day?
5. Does he drive a pickup truck on the off chance that one day he'll need to buy a fiberglass tub/shower insert?
6. Does he own a football/NASCAR themed leather coat?
7. Has he thumbtacked a beer ad with a bikini-clad woman/women on any wall of the house or garage?
8. When eating at a restaurant, does he look for cheese sauce on the list of sides?
9. Does he still talk about how the guys who went to the rival high school are gay?
10. Has he installed so many woofers in his car that you can hear AND see his music playing?

How many yeses?

1-3 Yeses: your man isn't a meat-head, just sorta stupid.
4-7 Yeses: your man may well be a meat-head (in fact he probably is) but he is, at the very least, picking up meat-head traits from his meat-head friends.
8-10 Yeses: you are likely a meat-head yourself given the fact that you could put up with such a big meat-head. You two deserve each other.

March 3, 2009

In the midst of a dead-boring winter, 10 dead-boring things that are the closest thing I have excitement (although #7 is endlessly funny.)

1.  I bought a new vacuum. (Dyson Animal)
2.  Enjoyed America's creepiest Bachelor and his equally creepy sloppy-seconds Bachelorette.
3.  I think I may have figured out to cook with tofu. (Try it carmelized with maple syrup and added to an egg sandwich seasoned with mirrin.)
4.  Sun is coming up just about the same time that the alarm goes off so there's no awkward not wanting to get out of bed because it's dark, like last month, or waking up an hour early because the sun comes up at 5:30, like next month.
5.  Hair is looking pretty good - it's about the only part of me that's not putting on winter flab.
6.  They make sunflower butter and it's pretty good.
7.  Bizkut the Dog
8.  I had pancakes for dinner recently and they were really good.
9.  No chance that I'll be asked to give up a couple week's pay this spring (as I was expecting) and all it took was borrowing nearly a trillion dollars from China.
10. Considering more pancakes.

March 2, 2009

10 things you shouldn't be worried about (and if you are, you need to turn off the TV and go outside to play.)

1. Will that guy on Heroes make a good Spock?
2. Will Rihanna go back to Chris?
3. How could Tyler Perry beat the Jonas Brothers at the box office?
4. Will Jewel and her husband be able to survive the pressures of Dancing With The Stars?
5. Is there anything on E!?
6. What would Rush tell me to think?
7. It's not fair to have American Idols who used to have recording contracts.
8. Poor Jennifer Aniston deserves to have a good year.
9. I wish there were more opportunities for me to buy Hannah Montana branded products.
10. Anything on the Today Show after they read the morning headlines.

March 1, 2009

10 alliterative superhero alter egos.

1. Clark Kent
2. Peter Parker
3. Bruce Banner (changed to Robert Bruce Banner for the TV show since, in 70s TV parlance, Bruce equaled gay and we can't have a gay Hulk.)
4. Matt Murdoch
5. Scott Summers
6. Billy Batson
7. Sue Storm
8. Reed Richards
9. Wally West
10 Henry Henhouse III (Super Chicken Ba Cawwww!!!!)