Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

November 30, 2009

My favorite new Roku channels

2. Revision 3
3. Pandora
4. Mediafly
5. Flickr

November 29, 2009

My 10 favorite COPS characters

1. Casual guy without shirt
2. Girl who didn't know her boyfriend had crack in the car
3. Odd looking hooker who turns out to be a dude
4. Guy with baggy pants who can't run very well
5. Computer tech cruising for meth
6. Fleeing driver who crashes into a tree
7. Stoned girl without a drivers license
8. Guy who acts tough until the police dogs arrive
9. Naked traffic stop person
10. Bad boys bad boys

November 27, 2009

Big band leaders whose names weren't Goodman, Dorsey, or Miller

1. Artie Shaw
2. Paul Whiteman
3. Jimmie Lunceford
4. Stan Kenton
5. Tex Beneke
6. Woody Herman
7. Lionel Hampton
8. Duke Ellington
9. Count Basie
10. Gene Krupa

November 26, 2009

5 ways to burn extra Thanksgiving calories

1. Snoring
2. Making turkey sandwiches
3. Burping
4. The Deuce
5. Squabbling

November 25, 2009

What Fox News viewers are thankful for this season

1. Sean Hannity
2. Glenn Beck
3. Being white
4. Sarah Palin
5. Michelle Malkin
6. Being Christian
7. Ann Colter
8. Michelle Baughman
9. That I were smart enough to stockpile guns and bullets before B. Hussein Obama outlaws them
10. Mountain Dew

November 24, 2009

What zombies are thankful for this season

1. Brains
2. Brains
3. Brains
4. Brains
5. Brains
6. Brains
7. Brains
8. Brains
9. Brains
10. Mountain Dew

November 23, 2009

What hobos are thankful for this season

1. Sturdy bindle sticks
2. Pull-top cans of beans
3. Slow trains
4. A stew-pot and a bell can bankroll a trip south
5. Rubber souled shoes
6. Haystacks
7. Pies (or Hot Pockets) cooling on the window sill
8. Public libraries
9. Mountain Dew
10. Bread lines

November 22, 2009

What nerds are thankful for this season

1. Specialty graphic t-shirts
2. Archival storage supplies
3. Remastered re-releases
4. Mountain Dew
5. Easter Eggs
6. Olivia Munn
7. Price guides
8. Girls willing to accept back rubs (AKA the side boob)
9. Minutia
10. MMOGs

November 21, 2009

6 common excuses of a daily lister

1. It's late
2. My job hurt my brain
3. I shouldn't have had the fourth beer
4. I've already done that list
5. That sounds like a good idea but I don't feel like thinking.
6. If I would have started writing this two hours ago but it's too late now.

November 20, 2009

People who were not born in Australia

1. Nicole Kidman - born in Hawaii lived in DC until 3
2. Mel Gibson - born in Peekskill, NY, moved to Australia at 12
3. Colin Hay, lead singer of Men at Work - born in Scottland, moved to Australia at 14
4. Captain Kangaroo - turns out Kangaroo isn't his real name.
5. Errol Flynn - no wait, I got that backwards, he was born in Australia and moved here.
6. Russell Crowe - born in Australia's Canada, New Zealand

November 19, 2009

What New Moon is not

1. Literature
2. Culturally rich
3. Intended for adults
4. Original
5. Significant enough to explain every media outlets slavish devotion to promoting it.

November 18, 2009

5 reasons you are lowering the national IQ

1. Led Zepplin, The Doors, and Pearl Jam are considered popular "classic" rock bands.
2. Fox News viewers represent approximately 0.0068% of our population but they are confused and believe that they are a majority feel because fewer idiots watch MSNBC and CNN. (Numbers provided by a a laudatory Hollywood Reporter article and the Marxist US Census Bureau.)
3. Reality show producers convince millions that families like the Kardashians, people who sell houses, bakers, people who have digital cameras (currently known as ghost hunters), and mothers who exploit their children lead interesting lives filled with wacky adventures and fabulous adventures.
4. Whitney Houston, Brittany Spears, Mariah Carey continue to have come back. (Kudos for finally wising up about Madonna.)
5. Clothing stores are filled with distressed clothes which, although full-priced, are worn thin, frayed and filled with holes.

November 17, 2009

8 great enemy hordes

1. Nazis
2. Zombies
3. Orcs
4. Ninjas
5. Romulans
6. Aliens
7. Apes, a planet full of them
8. Commies

November 16, 2009

Who's trying to bring down Sarah Palin

1. John McCain's staff
2. Newsweek
3. Katie Couric
4. David Letterman
5. Canadian Shock Jocks
6. Newspapers
7. Russians (always breathing down her neck)
8. People who doubt her sparkiness

November 15, 2009

Honest to God* legal advice from Toyota concerning potential floor mat interference with the accelerator recall

1. Dislodge the floor mat and pull safely to the side of the road.
2. Use Sat-Nav to identify area pillow factories. Drive around the factory until you run out of gas.
3. Firmly and steadily step on the brake pedal with both feet.
4. Throw up hands to the heavens and begin singing "Jesus Take the Wheel."
5. Shift transmission gear selector to the neutral position and use the brakes to come to a controlled stop.
6. Leap from car and use tumbling body to come to an uncontrolled stop.
7. Turn off engine.
8. Question how stupid you must be if you don't know how to stop a car.

*more or less

November 14, 2009

5 reasons I have a hard time going to community theater performances

1. 1 minute of professional theater performace = 3 minutes of community theater performance so it becomes an endurance event.
2. It's awkward when the cast outnumbers the audience.
3. Everyone seems to use a cockney accent. (Fine for Oliver but weird for Oklahoma.)
4. The audience is composed of family members, other community theater people (who know that no one will come to their shows if they don't go to other's shows), and random old ladies who once dreamed of being a Ziegfeld girl.
5. It's wrong to encourage young people to waste perfectly good money going away to state colleges to study theater when they could get a bookkeeping certificate at a community college.

November 13, 2009

10 great cheese soufles from the 70s

1. Fox On The Run - Sweet
2. Run, Joey, Run - David Geddes
3. The Night Chicago Died -Paper Lace
4. Little Willie - Sweet (again!)
5. Hot Child In The City - Nick Gilder
6. Black Betty - Ram Jam
7. Long Tall Glasses -
8. The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgie - Vicki Lawrence
9. Billy Don't Be A Hero - Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
10. Ballroom Blitz - Sweet (again again!!)

November 12, 2009

5 websites for old movie fans

1. Turner Classic Movies
3. Dr. Macro
4. Find A Grave - for closure
5. New York Times movie review archive Looking for a review of 1932's Doctor X by someone who doesn't live in their parent's basement? Here you can get a review written when it was first released. (If you don't want to subscribe to get access, Google NY Times movie review and the name of the movie and you're bound to find a cached page.

6. ???? any recommendations?

November 11, 2009

The down-side to be a tenured faculty member

1. It's nearly impossible to find an event with free food on a daily basis so you have to budget money to feed yourself. Meals should be provided.
2. 2 or 3 times a year, you have to cancel a week's worth of classes to fly to a tropical island to spend 30 minutes reading a paper to a group of 20 people who have already read your paper.
3. 10 AM classes require setting the alarm for at least 9:30
4. Self-righteous indignation requires a great deal of effort.
5. It is difficult to establish a properly elitist lifestyle when you have to be subjected to people in lower castes.

November 10, 2009

Potential names for my new band (once I develop a musical talent)

1. The Jamburglars
2. Nerds of Steel
3. Gin and Tectonics
4. The Hum Bugs
5. Salieri's Cellmates
6. The Honey Wannabees
7. H.R. Funk-n-stuff
8. Slap 'n Tickle (extra points if you can identify the tribute band connection.)
9. Caleb Caboose and the New Hobo Experience
10. My Daily Listz

November 9, 2009

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart?

1. Who again?
2. Are they t-shirt designers for awkward 19 year-old girls who are going to community college to hone their fan fic skills?
3. Are they "Jonas Brothers" whatever that is?
4. Are they birth control for teenagers heading off to college?
5. Are they plain looking sorts that seem attainable to the pudgy, pale, and unpopular?

November 7, 2009

The My Daily List fall fashion line.

Brought to you by the official My Daily List embroiderer, Embroidea For all of your fine embroidery, contact Embroidea. If they can hoop it, they can sew it.

November 6, 2009

November 5, 2009

20 Johnny Mercer songs you ought to be listening to.

1. Glow Worm
2. Ac-cent-tchu-ate the Positive
3. Baby, It's Cold Outside
4. Satin Doll
5. Any Place I Hang My Hat Is Home
6. Strip Polka
7. On the Atchinson, Topeka, and Sante Fe
8. Fools Rush In
9. Button Up Your Overcoat
10. G.I. Jive
11. Skylark
12. Somethings Gotta Give
13. You Must Have Been A Beautiful Baby
14. Moon River
15. Jeepers Creepers
16. Blues in the Night
17. Dream
18. That Old Black Magic
19. Hooray For Hollywood
20. The Days of Wine and Roses

November 4, 2009

A few immutable laws of beer.

1. To buy good beer, look for cheap beer or expensive beer. Everything in the middle range is garbage marketed to people who don't really like beer but who need to be drunk in order to reproduce and/or to perpetuate their douchbaggery.
2. If you insist, you may add a lime or lemon wedge, a slice of orange for you Blue Moon weirdos, or tomato juice to your beer. You should avoid buying beer that adds these flavoring for you.
3. There is no such thing as a berry-flavored beer.
4. They make lite beer the same way the may lite pancake syrup - start with the original product and add water until you achieve your caloric goal. You can drink it if you insist but you could save 50% if you just bought regular beer and added your own water.
5. You don't need to go overboard, like wine experts, but you should be able to describe the taste of beer. If you can't, you're likely one of the people I described in #1.
6. You should avoid any beer labeled as "Ice" or marketed with mountains that turn blue when the bottle is ice-cold. If they tell you to drink it ice-cold, they're really telling you that you need to numb your taste buds since this stuff tastes skunky.
7. Yes, it is true. Krausening means that they've peed in the beer vat.

November 3, 2009

5 100-calorie packs I'm waiting to see in my grocery store.

1. Pot roast
2. Fried chicken
3. Nachos Supreme
4. Strawberry cream cheese croissant
5. Chilli (not misspelled.)

November 2, 2009

General impressions of Frazier . . . I mean Kelsey Grammar's new sitcom

1. Grammar seems to be represented by the same agency that gets reality show stars work in celebrity dunk tanks.
2. His character is suffering through bad economic times but lives in a house that at least as nice if not better than 80% of American homes - poor guy.
3. Straight line, punch line, straight line, punch line, straight line punch line, BLAM!! (That's a Nielson family blowing out their collective brains while watching.)
4. Precocious kids, crazy in-laws, and beleaguered wives sure are a laugh riot.
5. ABC chose to preempt an episode to show the 40 year old Charlie Brown Halloween special for the second time in the same week. Looks like the unemployment rate is about to soar.

November 1, 2009

On this Day of the Dead, 10 people who would make the world a better place if they were still among the living

1. Fred Astaire
2. Jim Henson
3. John Lennon
4. Jimmy Stewart
5. Flip Wilson
6. Bert Convey
7. Charles Nelson Reilly
8. Blossom Dearie
9. Larry Storch - no wait, still alive
10. Don Knotts