Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

June 30, 2008

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where to live

1. Showgirls who wash their cars a lot.
2. People who view mowing their neighbors' lawns as good exercise.
3. Employers who believe in naps, massage therapy, and allowing you to bring your dog to work.
4. Donut store locations.
5. People who own their own inflatable bouncy houses.
6. People who will let me borrow their trucks when I have something big to move. (Includes only those who have a valid reason to own a truck and excludes trucks with testicles.)
7. British people. (Can be extended to other nationalities as long as the people have cute accents and say colorful things like "gobsmacked," "Bob's your uncle," "knackered."
8. Old people - old enough to be great neighbors but young enough that I might decide to move away before they die.
9. Cartoonists. #3 from the previous list would exclude the drunk guy who does "Mallard Fillmore," although I'm not sure he's a cartoonist. More of an angry mope with a Kolinsky brush and a syndicator.
10. IQ scores.

June 29, 2008

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where NOT to live

1. People who own cars or motorcycles with exhaust systems designed to make noise rather than to muffle the sound of their obnoxious engines.
2. Trucks with testicles.
3. People who spend an inordinate amount of their time writing letters-to-editors, listening to talk radio, or watching cable news channels.
4. Hippies - although they should be categorized into fun hippies and obnoxious hippies. It's hard not to like a fun hippie.
5. People who go through life feeling that everyone they encounter is determine to assault, rape, car-jack, defame, or pillage them.
6. Muffin-tops.
7. Anyone over the age of 25 who first thinks, "getting a tattoo/face piercing will make me attractive/cool/edgy.
8. People who demand to know what Brittany/Ashton/Lindsey/Paris/Nicole/JoliePitt/anyone on The Hills have done in the past 24 hours.
9. Women who wear specially purchased "outfits" particularly those that involve denim or themed sweaters.
10. People who equate morality with their personal/political beliefs.

June 28, 2008

6 PBS shows I watched as a kid.

1. Seseme Street
2. Mr. Rogers
3. The Electric Company
4. Big Blue Marble
5. 3-2-1 Contact
6. The French Chef

June 27, 2008

9 great Buster Keaton silent movies

1. One Week
2. Cops
3. Our Hospitality
4. Sherlock Jr.
5. The Navigator
6. The General
7. College
8. Steamboat Bill Jr.
9. The Cameraman

June 26, 2008

10 great Charlie Chaplin silent movies

1. The Bank
2. The Floorwalker
3. The Rink
4. The Cure
5. The Immigrant
6. Shoulder Arms
7. The Circus
8. The Gold Rush
9. City Lights
10. Modern Times

June 25, 2008

7 differences between Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.

1. Chaplin was British, Keaton was American.
2. Chaplin trained in Beer Halls (talking wasn't allowed on stage so he studied pantomime), Keaton did an vaudeville act with his parents.
3. In their early days, Chaplin worked with Stan Laurel, Keaton worked with Fatty Arbuckle.
4. Chaplin wore a bowler hat, Keaton wore a pork pie hat.
5. Chaplin retained ownership of his films and was rich, Keaton sold his film rights early on and struggled with money.
6. Chaplin directed Keaton (in Limelight), Keaton never directed Chaplin.
7. Chaplin married 3 teenaged girls (16, 17, 18), Keaton married 3 adults.

June 24, 2008

4 differences between muffins and cupcakes.

1. Muffins are a quick bread which require minimal mixing once liquid is added to the flour and cupcakes are cake which require creaming butter and sugar.
2. Muffins are bad for you at breakfast time, cupcakes are bad for you at other times.
3. There is no cupcake man.
4. Woman not likely to be called "mufffin" by a construction worker.

June 23, 2008

10 reasons that people hate "the green movement."

1. Crude oil tastes like honey to them.
2. Reusable grocery totes are specifically mentioned in The Communist Manifesto.
3. Can't read in bed with anything less than a 1000w bulb in their lamps.
4. Conservation is a sign that you aren't affluent. (If you can't afford to drive an H2 to pick up a gallon of milk, don't judge me.)
5. It snowed last winter so there's no such thing as global warming.
6. Conservation is sciencey and sciencey things are an affront to Jesus.
7. Main-stream liberal media. (No real reason here, just citing MSLM allows any fool to believe whatever they wish regardless of fact and can be used as unassailable proof in any argument.)
8. It's just a fad and anyone buying into it is naive.
9. Have you seen the size of a soccer ball? How can you expect to transport a soccer ball AND an 8 year-old in anything smaller than an Escalade?
10. We need lower taxes and smaller government. (I'm not sure what these have to do with being green but those who hate conservation seem to talk about these ideas a lot.)

June 22, 2008

5 types of fairy tale villains.

1. Wicked witches
2. Bitter step-mothers
3. Carnivorous animals.
4. Landlords
5. Women of all sorts

June 21, 2008

4 things that can be added to a good cup of coffee, if you insist.

1. Rum
2. Milk and sugar
3. Hot cocoa
4. Cake donut (dunked of course.)

For goodness sake, stop killing good coffee with crappy flavors. If you don't like the taste of coffee, don't drink it.

June 19, 2008

5 things that white, puffy clouds look like.

1. Bunny rabbits
2. Cotton candy
3. Smiling faces
4. The smoke from a horrible explosion
5. The fists of a vengeful god beating upon the Earth in retribution for our actions.

June 18, 2008

10 Top Ten Movies List Overlooked By AFI

1. Musicals
2. Adventures
3. Action
4. Horror/suspense
5. Comedies
6. Period Drama
7. Biography
8. Heist
9. Holiday
10. Guilty Pleasures

June 17, 2008

AFI's Ten Top Tens - Good Eleventh Movies

1. Animation - Kiki's Delivery Service (or South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut if it has to be a Hollywood movie.)
2. Fantasy - Sherlock Jr. (If you've never seen it, stop everything and watch it now. Go!)
3. Sci-Fi - Planet of the Apes
4. Sports - The Natural
5. Western - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
6. Gangster - Angels With Dirty Faces (Yeah, it's got the Dead-End Kids, soon to be known as the Bowery Boys, but the last ten minutes are brilliant for two of the Irish Mafia - James Cagney and, in his greatest screen moment, Pat O'Brien.)
7. Mystery - The Thin Man (How can you list top ten mysteries with it?)
8. Romantic Comedy - The Apartment
9. Courtroom Drama - Fury
10. Epics - eh, who needs epics.

June 16, 2008

3 Food Network stars who ought to fade away.

1. Rachael Ray - of course you can cook pasta or make a sandwich in 30 minutes.
2. Sandra Lee - to make a cake, buy a cake mix and a can of frosting and serve enough vodka so that no one notices.
3. Paula Deen - hey y'all, I'm abnoxious and overly staged. Har har har har.

June 15, 2008

6 Food Networks stars whose food opinion I trust

1. Giada DeLaurentis
2. Bobby Flay
3. Jamie Oliver
4. Alton Brown
5. Emeril Lagasse
6. Mario Batali

June 14, 2008

3 reasons to keep your mouth shut tight.

1. Frog in my throat.
2. Cat got your tongue.
3. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

June 13, 2008

4 magazines I read as a kid.

1. Highlights (hardcover editions)
2. Dynamite
3. Cracked
4. Mad

June 12, 2008

4 things Hulk says while making mashed potatoes.

1. Puny Banner, peel.
2. HULK IS STRONGEST ONE THERE IS! (while opening sour cream)
3. Don't make Hulk angry. You wouldn't like Hulk when angry. (said to a pot boiling over.)

June 11, 2008

5 sing-song words

1. dilly dally
2. heebie jeebie
3. hoighty toighty
4. hoi poloi
5. jeepers creepers

June 10, 2008

10 names for a deuce

1. dookie (doo doo, doodie, etc.)
2. poop (poo, poo poo, poopie, etc)
3. turd
4. steamer
5. man pie
6. brown bomber
7. BM
8. turtle head
9. baby skunk
10. stool

June 9, 2008

5 things that taste like chicken.

1. Alligator - but only fishy chickens
2. Frog's legs - but with a lot more vascular tissue
3. Turkey.
4. Rabbit - if chickens were tough and chewy
5. Crow - according to Michael Penn

June 8, 2008

6 reasons the dealer installed XM radio in my Prius seems to loose the signal.

1. Turning the car on.
2. Changing directions.
3. Stopping. Or going.
4. Driving on a sunny day.
5. Driving in the rain.
6. Singing along to a song - this seems to taunt the satellite causing it to turn it's back on you.

I finally discovered the actual reason I lose a signal. It works as long as I don't drive east. Finally convinced the dealer to mount the antenna on the roof and it works great now.

June 7, 2008

11 great Dorothy Fields lyrics

1. I Can't Give You Anything But Love
2. Big Spender
3. On The Sunny Side Of The Street
4. A Fine Romance
5. I Won't Dance
6. If My Friends Could See Me Now
7. Pick Yourself Up
8. I'm In The Mood For Love
9. Never Gonna Dance
10. On The Erie Canal
11. The Way You Look Tonight

June 6, 2008

5 reasons I go to work.

1. Like sleeping in a bed at night.
2. Not much good on TV.
3. Accustomed to eating.
4. Money for toys.
5. Someone has to change the world

June 5, 2008

June 4, 2008

5 characteristics of a greyhound.

1. Eyes are slightly beady, slighty buggy - beaduggy.
2. Head is small so that it can just contain a relatively tiny brain without it bouncing around in the skull.
3. Mouth tends to stretch into an anthropomophic smile.
4. Ears - useless except to indicated the point behind which one should scratch.
5. Long legs take up too much room on the bed.

June 3, 2008

5 reasons Hillary didn't endorse Barack on the night he secured the nomination.

1. She's leased headquarters in 50 states and has to do walk-throughs with 50 landlords so she doesn't lose her security deposit.
2. Bill is still determining who is or isn't a scumbag.
3. Terry McLauliffe still insisting that she could beat George Washington in a good old-fashioned 18th century brouhaha.
4. Those pints of Hagan-Daaz aren't going to eat themselves.
5. Discontinuing a campaign prevents her from begging for donations. (Go to hillaryclinton.com if you want to give her cash.)

June 2, 2008

7 things I'd eat if I didn't take cholestrol medication

1. Cheese, cheese, cheeeese
2. Dark Chocolate in many forms
3. Cream horns
4. Buttered toast with cinnamon sugar
5. Daily donuts
6. Fried whatever
7. Ice cream

June 1, 2008

Ministry of Nicknames Statistic: 5 most common denials of N-1350 Request to Self-Assign Nickname

1. Party Animal
2. Diva
3. Bikini Inspector
4. Miss Thang
5. Miscellaneous celebrity press creations - J-Lo, Li-Lo, P-Diddy, Wacko Jacko, Billy Bush, etc.