Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve

1. 5
2. 4
3. 3
4. 2
5. 1

Happy New Years!

December 30, 2008

6 autographed things I have around the house

1.  Bill Cosby on a poster for his performance
2.  Tracy Bonham on a promotional photo card
3.  Suzanne Sommers on a TV Guide with her on the cover
4.  Stan Lee on a hardbound Photo Journal Marvel Comics
5.  Dick Debartolo on a copy of Mad Magazine and question card from the original Match Game
6.  Aaron Neville on a 1997 New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival print

December 29, 2008

10 nicknames/slogans for my hometown's city limit signs

1. The Jewel of the Litter Belt
2. Strip Mall USA
3. The Prairie Goiter
4. Wherever You're Going, You're Halfway There
5. A Great Place to Raise a Fuss
6. Home of the World Famous Paul McCartney Urinal London Mirror el Periodico China Daily n-tv Radio Infinita (Chile)
7. The Cradle of Cellulite
8. Little Chicago: All the corruption with a fraction of the traffic
9. Crossroads of the Pork Trade
10. The Midwest's Muffintop Capital

December 28, 2008

7 things that come in fours

1.  Kevin Bacon degrees for my wife*
2.  Blood types
3.  Beatles, Stones, and Whos
4.  Baldwins
5.  Apocalyptic horsemen
6.  Singing barbers
7.  Movie tickets on double dates.

*She was in "Charming Billy" with Michael Hayden who was in "Glory Glory" with Micheal York who was in "54" with Neve Campbell who was in "Wild Things" with Kevin Bacon

December 27, 2008

GUEST LIST: Five of James Ileks Regrettable Foods Made with Hot Dogs

1. Benedictish Frankwiches
2. Beans and Wieners
3. Mary Margaret McBride's Link Loaf
4. Frankfurter and Cucumber Aspic
5. Hot Dogs*

*this one's mine

December 26, 2008

The 6 cardinal rules of mustaches.

1. Three words: symmetry, symmetry, symmetry
2. Mustache mass should be no more than 4 eyebrows based upon the eyebrow mass of the individual.
3. At no time should mustache hair and nostril hair intermix.
4. All mustaches should conform to the three archetypal forms: The Brush, The Lip-liner, The Snidely Whiplash (briefly known as the Rollie Fingers.) Slight various on these forms are allowed but varients should remain true to the underlying archetype.
5. One should not grow more mustache than one is willing to groom. Lack of grooming inevitably leads to breaking rules 1 through 4.
6. Wash, rinse, repeat.

December 25, 2008

Christmas toasts for all.

1. To politicians - May you retire from office with honor before we ever discover what you did.
2. To celebutantes - May the cameras never run out of film, may you never suffer the weight of purpose, and may your mugshots always be fashionable.
3. To CEOs - May your parachutes always be golden platinum.
4. To hoboes - May your life be rich in pies cooling on the window sill and poor in railroad detectives clubbing you on the head.
5. To crazy cat ladies - May you have a kitty vest for every occasion and may life always be as fresh as recently sprayed Febreeze.
6. To smokers - May the weather outside your office building always be warm and sunny.
7. To bloggers - May the world one day recognize your genius and elevate you to your rightful status. Oh, and may you get a life.
8. To pundits - May your words never be hindered by reason, sense or reality and may someone always be willing to point a camera at you in 3 minute increments.
9. To Joe the Plumber - May you forever be the middle-aged, angry bald guy's Madonna.
10. To everyone else - May you have a merry and safe Christmas.

December 24, 2008

10 places to look for Santa tonight

1.  Santa Claus, Arizona
2.  Jingle Bells Road, Lake, Oregon 97638
3.  Frosty, Alaska 99571 (I don't think there are any children there, just lava.)
4.  Scrooge Road, Neeses, South Carolina  29107
5.  Ebeneezer, Georgia (no kidding, it's a ghost town.)
6.  Mistletoe, Kentucky, 41351
7.  Poinsettia, right there between Peppergrass Street and Woodrush Street off Fawn Glen West in Irvine, California.
8.  Wreath Street, Potosi, Missouri, 63664
9.  Elf School Road, Hayesville, North Carolina, 28904
10.  Humbug Road, Butte, Montana (head southwest out of town on Beef Trail Road and turn left.)

December 23, 2008

10 Christmas films that should be burned with a Yule log.

1. Shrek the Halls - 2007
2. Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July - 1979
3. Frosty Returns - 1992 (Ah'll be back)
4. Home Alones 2-4 (should we need a plural form of Home Alone?)
5. A Family Circus Christmas - 1979 (This must have been the year that grandmas took over the television networks and demanded a Christmas special for the whippersnappers)
6. A Wish For Wings That Work - 1991 (when the bloom fell off Bloom County)
7. The Little Drummer Boy Book II - 1976 (Just in case you thought the baby Jesus hogged all of the attention.)
8. Deck the Halls with Wacky Walls - 1983 (For those who wondered how sticky elastomer cephalopod's spend the holidays.)
9. Santa Claus - 1959 (Santa battles Lucifer who wants all the good children of earth to do evil. Really, look.)
10. Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus - 2004 (Steve Guttenberg's gift to us all.)

December 22, 2008

They don't write 'em like these ten anymore.

1.  Robert Riskin
2.  Francis Goodrich and Albert Hackett
3.  Norman Krasna
4.  Charles Brackett and Billy Wilder
5.  Charles MacArthur and Ben Hecht
6.  Donald Ogden Stewart
7.  Herman Mankiewicz
8.  Dudley Nichols
9.  Leo McCary
10. Julius J. Epstein

December 21, 2008

7 things that come in fives

1.  Olympic rings
2.  Presidential Johns (Calvin was a middle name)
3.  Dolby channels
4.  With the exception of Uri Geller, George Kreskin, and the creepy boy from the movie, senses
5.  Tires that come with most cars
6.  Little piggies
7.  Blogojevich IQ points

December 20, 2008

Leftover Cake

1. To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.
End is the only part of the word
That I heard.Call me morbid or absurd.
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word.

2. Heads of State who ride and wrangle,
Who look at your face from more than one angle,
Can cut you from their bloated budgets
Like sharpened knives through Chicken McNuggets.

3. Jesus wrote a blank check,
One I haven't cashed quite yet.
I hope I've got a little more time.
I hope it's not the end of the line.
Yeah, Jesus wrote a blank check.
One I haven't cashed yet, all right.

4. But when you speak to her,
Her eyes light up.
The music spills right into your cup.
It's so abrupt and it's so concise.
There are pies on a carousel.
Have a slice.
But watch out.
She ain't no good for you.
I say watch out.
She ain't no good for you.

5. They're too late'
Cause nobody's going to save us
We're rubberneckers' dream
We're burning gasoline
Go, take your economy car and your suitcase
Take your psycho little dogs
Take it all away

6. Well the more you try to shave the cat
The more the thing will bit and scratch
It's best I think to leave its fur and to listen to its silky purr.
Some people like to make life a little tougher than it really is.

December 19, 2008

5 exceptional chunks of Cole

1. Well, let me see now, Cherry Pies ought to be you, (Autumn skies ought to be you)
The Pulitzer prize ought to you, (Romeo in disguise ought to be you,)
Columbine ought to be you,(Sparkling wine ought to be you)
All of Beethoven's Nine ought to be you(Every Will Shakespeare line ought to be you.)

2. Just turn me loose, let me straddle my old saddle
Underneath the western skies.
On my Cayuse, let me wander over yonder
Till I see the mountains rise.
I want to ride to the ridge where the west commences
gaze at the moon till I lose my senses
I can't look at hobbles and I can't stand fences
Don't fence me in.

3. You do something to me
Something that simply mystifies me
Tell me, why should it be,
You have the power to hypnotize me?
Let me live 'neath your spell
Do do that voodoo that you do so well
For you do something to me
That nobody else could do

4. I've got you under my skin.
I've got you deep in the heart of me.
So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me.

5. At words poetic I'm so pathetic
That I always have found it best
Instead of getting 'em off my chest,
To let 'em rest - unexpressed.
I hate parading my serenading,
As I'll probably miss a bar,
But if this ditty is not so pretty,
At least it'll tell you how great you are.

December 18, 2008

5 exceptional pieces of Cake

1.  She's got a serrated edge
     That she moves back and forth.
     It's such a simple machine.
     She doesn't have to use force.
     When she gets what she wants
     She puts the rest on a tray
     In a zip-loc bag.
2.  Red flowers bursting down below us.
     Those people didn't even know us.
     We didn't know if we would live or die.
     We didn't know if it was wrong or right.
     I bombed Korea every night.
3.  You won't admit you love me.
     And so how am I ever to know?
     You only tell me
     Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
4.  Now due to a construct in my mind
     That makes their falling and their flight
     Symbolic of my entire existence,
     It becomes important for me
     To get up and see
     Their last second curves toward flight.
     It's almost as if my life will fall
     Unless I see their ascent.
5.  I want a girl who gets up early
     I want a girl who stays up late
     I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
     Who used a machete to cut through red tape
     With fingernails that shine like justice
     And a voice that is dark like tinted glass

December 17, 2008

5 sorts of people who have a hard time blending into a crowd

1. Tuba players
2. Muppeteers
3. American Gladiators
4. Osmonds
5. Any of those famous people who have no particular talent, skill, or reason to be famous but they're always in US magazine walking on red carpets or appearing in traffic court or feuding with other curiously famous people or getting out of cars with too-short skirts worn on days that they must have laundry to do since they never seem to have any underpants to wear. They could easily blend into a crowd, since no one knows who the hell they are, but they're always saying, "Over here! Look at me!"

December 16, 2008

6 actual Capital City nicknames for Blagojevich

1.  Hot Rod
2.  Ram Rod
3.  Blago
4.  Blojerkovich
5.  The Hair
6.  Elvis (read the 4th paragraph for an early indicator.)

December 15, 2008

10 toys Santa brought me.

1. Gumby and Pokey board game
2. Fisher Price parking garage
3. Any and every magic kits produced in the 70s
4. Ricochet Racers - western set
5. Evil Knevil motor cycle and stunt car
6. Steve Austin action figure with space capsule and operating room
7. Various Skittle games - SkittleBowl, SkittlePool, SkittlePoker
8. Vertibird - Arctic rescue set
9. Show and Tell record player/slide show
10.Smackaroo - that was so cool

December 14, 2008

7 things that come in sixes

1. Flaring nostrils in a menage a trois
2. Flags that have flown over Texas
3. Nick and Nora pairings
4. Beers or abs, depending upon which you prefer having
5. Anne Boleyn fingers
6. Little chocolate frosted donuts
7. Simpson's pets: Santa's Little Helper, Snowball I, Snowball II, then in quick succession Snowball III, Coltrane, and Snowball V - renamed Snowball II to avoid buying a new food bowl. Stampy (elephant), Plopper (pig), Princess (pony), Laddie (police dog) , Mojo (helper monkey), Bitey (possum) were only guest pets.

December 13, 2008

8 Manilow songs that have nothing to do how cool I may or may not be.

1. Mandy
2. I Write the Songs
3. I Am Stuck On Band-aid Brand
4. Looks Like We Made It
5. American Bandstand
6. Can't Smile Without You
7. Copacabana
8. Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm Is There

December 12, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1990s

1. Kevin, what did you do to my room?
2. Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard.
3. I do wish we could chat longer but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye.
4. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, he's gone.
5. Mr. Hammond, after careful consideration I've decided not to endorse your park.
6. Sure I could have stayed in the past. I could have been king. But in my own way, I am king. Hail to the king, baby.
7. You met me at a very strange time in my life.
8. Tell me I've led a good life. What? Tell me I'm a good man. You are.
9. I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a big bright shining star. That's right.
10. Son of a bitch. He stole my line.

December 11, 2008

5 reasons I'm not a good Christmas party guest

1. Egg nog sort of tastes like milk that you've dropped a Renuzit air freshener in.
2. How many cheese balls are considered dangerous to one's health?
3. Okay, you have a Santa hat. I get it. Now take it off and shut up.
4. Peppermint makes me belligerent and alcohol makes me hateful so no thank you, I don't want to shoot some schnapps with you, you party animal you.
5. Oh, gee, thank you. Had I known that you . . . what's your name again? Frank? You're in purchasing, right. Yeah, well had I known that you were going to buy me this nice Christmas ornament and put it in this festive gift bag with a fistful of Hershey's kisses I would have stabbed myself repeatedly in the throat and I'd be in the hospital now having a considerably better time.

December 9, 2008

10 unrealized presidential firsts of 2008 candidates

1. John McCain - first president to hang an onion on his belt
2. Hillary Clinton - first president to appear on Cheaters
3. Rudy Guiliani - first president to dress in drag and be touched inappropriately by Donald Trump. Really.
4. Mike Huckabee - first president to be punched in the throat by Chuck Norris for breaking a campaign promise
5. Mit Romney - first president, with great rigidity and hair spray, to let the dogs out (who who who who)
6. Mike Gravel - first metaphorical president.
7. David Kucinich - first president whose newspaper photographs included the caption "shown actual size"
8. John Edwards - first president to appear on Cheaters
9. Cynthia McKinney - first openly crazy president
10. Fred Thompson - first constipated president, at least according to Huckabee

December 8, 2008

10 presidential firsts

1. First president to live in the White House - John Adams
2. First bachelor president - James Buchanan
3. First assassinated president - Abraham Lincoln
4. First president to ride in a car - Teddy Roosevelt
5. First president to be born in a hospital - Jimmy Carter
6. First president to pursue women's votes - Warren Harding
7. First president to throw out the opening pitch - William Howard Taft
8. First president to be divorced - Ronald Reagan
9. First president to be sworn in by another president - Calvin Coolidge sworn in by then Chief Justice William Howard Taft
10. First president to kill someone outside of war (that we know of!) - Andrew Jackson

BONUS: First vice-president to share a name in common with a Funkedelic - George Clinton

December 7, 2008

7 things that come in sevens

1.  Harryhausen hydra heads.
2.  Bad luck years for broken mirrors
3.  Head holes
4.  Virtues and Deadly Sins (depending upon what rocks your boat)
5.  Brides for brothers
6.  House gables in Salem, MA
7.  Texas Hold 'Em cards

EXTRA:  If you're not from around these parts, you may realize that Star Trek's Seven of Nine played a role in Barack Obama becoming the President of the United States.

December 6, 2008

Totally awesome poetry from my high school years

1.  Love is like a shadow on me all of the time.
2.  She got a camouflage face and no money.
3.  And my heaven will be a big heaven, and I will walk though the front door.
4.  And she'll tease you, she'll unease you
     All the better just to please you
    She's precocious, and she knows just
    What it takes to make a pro blush.
5.  Sounded sad upon the radio with a million hearts in mono.
6.  It's time to bring this ship in from the shore and throw away the oars forever.
7.  You were workin' as a waitress in a cocktail bar
    When I met you; I picked you out, I shook you up; and turned you around
    Turned you into someone new.
8.  Temptation, frustration
     So bad it makes him cry
    Wet bus stop, she's waiting
    His car is warm and dry.
9.  Don't tell me you don't know what love is
     When you're old enough to know better
     When you find strange hands in your sweater
     When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote
     I'm a man with a mission in two or three editions.
10.  I want to walk in the open wind
      I want to talk like lovers do
      I want to dive into your ocean
      Is it raining with you.
11.  With auburn hair and tawny eyes
      The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through.
12.  I can't seem to face up to the facts
       I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax
       I can't sleep 'cause my bed's on fire
       Don't touch me I'm a real live wire.
13.  It's poetry in motion
      She turned her tender eyes to me
      As deep as any ocean
      As sweet as any harmony.
14. At my bedside, empty pocket, a foot without a sock
     Your body gets much closer
     I fumble for the clock
     Alarmed by, the seduction
     I wish that it would stop.
15.  Sometimes I feel like I've got to run away
      I've got to get away
      From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
      The love we share, seems to go nowhere
      And I've lost my light, for I toss and turn I can't sleep at night.
16.  I heard you on the wireless back in Fifty Two
       Lying awake intent at tuning in on you
       If I was young it didn't stop you coming through.
17.  I have lots of friends that I can ring at any time
      Can mobilize some laughs with just one call.

December 5, 2008

10 reasons that I didn't transfer to Klown Kollege

1. I might want to be a clown but I don't want to hang out with a bunch of clowns.
2. I'm already sensitive about the size of my feet.
3. Easier and less work to get an English degree.
4. Don't like to carpool.
5. OSHA does not regulate cream pie fights, even for those with dairy allergies.
6. Department of Labor statistics suggested that career options were limited to the rodeo circuit.
7. Emmett Kelly scholarship did not cover lab fees and like I could afford all of that seltzer water.
8. Cirque de Soleil has given an honorable profession a Euro-trash taint.
9. Clown nose store does not stock Italian-size. Unclear if this size exists.
10. My application was denied and referred to their lesser sister-campus Kongress Kollege. Any klown can get into kongress.

December 4, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1980s

1.  Wanna dance?  Or would you rather just suck face?
2.  I'll be right here.
3.  Roads?  Where we're going, you don't need roads.
4.  Do you think you'd be happy doing that?  Well, I don't know.  What are the hours?
5.  You be careful out there among them English.
6.  Sleep tight.  Affirmative.
7.  You're still here?  It's over.  Go home.  Go.
8.  Hey, dad.  Do you wanna have a catch?   I'd like that.
9.  Nice shooting son.  What's your name?  Murphy.
10.  If not Arizona, then a land not too far away.  Where all the parents are strong and wise and capable and all the children are happy and beloved.  I don't know. Maybe it was Utah.

December 3, 2008

5 nicknames that I've answered to in my life.

1.  GZ which turned into GG which turned into G-string.
2.  Jew-boy (an uninteresting story having to do with a hat that looked like a yarmulke.)
3.  Android
4.  Squidboy
5.  Mydailylist

December 2, 2008

Now that I've vented my spleen about Comcast, 5 more anatomical cliches.

1.  I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.
2.  My eyes are bigger than my stomach.
3.  You're getting on my last nerve.
4.  This makes my skin crawl.
5.  Rectum?  I hardly touched him.

December 1, 2008

10 reasons that Comcast is the worst company to ever exist in this or any other universe or dimension.

1.  18 months later, they still blame our former cable company (which they bought and which no longer exists) every time they cut off service without any explanation.  
2.  I've spent nearly 20 hours on the phone trying to keep Internet phone service active in the past 6 months - they twice cut off the service without explanation and blamed it on a non-existent company.
3.  They said that their system noted our phone outage but that this report does not initiate fixing our phone service - it's our responsibility to call them to alert them to the fact that their system has noted an outage.
4.  If you have any service issues you are not able to set up a service call if any other outage has been reported - if I understand, once someone reports a problem no one else can schedule a service call since fixing that one problem might magically fix everyone else's problem. 
5.  When they finally did set up a service call to fix the phone, they canceled it because they called the phone number (the one that didn't work which they were going to fix) and, since no one answered the inoperable phone, they assumed we weren't home. (They also laughed out loud as they told me this on the phone.)
6.  They began charging me a rental fee for a modem I own and, when asked why they decided to start this charge, they said, "well we knew you had Internet service and we couldn't prove that you had a Comcast modem, so we figured we'd better start charging you just in case it was ours."
7.  When I was experiencing intermittent Internet outages and trying to determine if it was a hardware or service issue, they said they would not tell me if my service was functional without coming to my home and that would cost $45 minimum.   
8.  They have continued charging for phone service for two months since porting the number back to ATT.  They said that since we hadn't dismantled a manifold of cable wires and unbolted the equipment from where they'd installed it that we had to continue paying for the full service fees.  And no, they said I wasn't just responsible for a $3 rental fee, which is listed on the bill.  Having Comcast property obligated me to full phone charges even though the service wasn't functional.
9.  I was told that when ATT calls them to port a number, turning off my service does not initiate cancellation of service fees.  They must continuing billing me for service until I show a little responsibility and call them to alert them to the fact that they've turned off my service.  Of course, this actually means that I have to call them 4 times before they realize they haven't noted the ATT port in their system.
10.  They seem to like to charge for services that aren't provided and then try to convince you that the charges are correct and/or hope that you're too old, stupid, or ill-informed to notice.  Is that racketeering or incompetence?  

November 30, 2008

A 5-day week-end by the numbers.

1.  1 night with too many margaritas - yes, it was enough delicious margaritas that I have no choice but to declare too many.
2.  4 days with pie.
3.  2 Thanksgiving dinners
4.  2 days in which working from home was a primary activity.
5.  3 bad night's sleep

November 29, 2008

5 signs you need to find a new place for trivia night.

1.  Lack of beer and/or an inadequate plan to provide beer.
2.  Moderator is a jerk.
3.  They plan a music category without ever having testing the sound.
4.  A heavy reliance on multiple choice.  (If you're writing a trivia question and realize that the only way to guide your audience to the answer is with multiple choice options, abandon ship.  You don't have a trivia question, you have a random fact that no one cares about.)
5.  The writer has an almanac and isn't afraid to use it - one tediously boring question after another.

November 27, 2008

5 types of psuedo-hoboes

1.  Bedouin = sand hobo
2.  Transient = hobo who pays daily rent
3.  Hippie/Dead Head = Patchouli-scented hobo
4.  Professor = hobo with a 403b account
5.  Gypsy = Eastern European hobo

Thankful list

1.  Mrs MyDailyList without whom all of my lists would enumerate why I'm so sad and lonely.
2.  That my parents raised me with the proper mix of fear and shame and food.
3.  Work that is focused on looking out for other's best interest rather than simply looking for ways to separate them from their money.
4.  That no one is shooting at me or likely to be shooting at me (and I'm kind of a jerk so that lack of violence shows just how peaceful my personal world is - I'm just asking for it sometimes.)

November 26, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1970s

1. I was cured all right.
2. But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man that suddenly got everything he wanted. What happened? He live happily ever after.
3. Don Corleone
4. Sex and death. Two things that come once in lifetime. But at least after death, you're not nauseous.
5. I used to hate the water. I can't imagine why.
6. Just wait 'til next year.
7. This was the story of Howard Beale, the first known instance of man who was killed because he had lousy ratings.
8. The horror. The horror.
9. Life is a state of mind.
10. Bonjour papa.

November 25, 2008

10 perfectly good things (often found in short supply) of which you can never have enough.

1. friends and family (awwwwwhhh)
2. IQ points
3. toys
4.  hair follicles
5.  dollars left over after paying the bills
6.  vacation days
7.  polite drivers
8.  beers in the fridge (not that you need to drink a lot but they always seem to be gone when you want one.)
9.  brain cells (at least the useful ones.)
10.  shopping days until Christmas

November 24, 2008

10 perfectly good things of which you can have too many.

1. Dogs (dedicated to Marty)
2. Jobs
3. Expectations
4. Spouses
5. Houses (dedicated to John McCain)
6. Doctor appointments
7. Cooks in the kitchen
8. Italians (Sunday dinners can be difficult)
9. Elvis's
10. Clowns (a word for which a plural form should never have been allowed.)

November 23, 2008

After a pathetically obvious product placement for Nextel in "24: Redemption" 5 equally awkward ideas for the next season

1. Zip-loc Bags "New human-head size. Loosens the tightest lips."
2. Neosporin "Heals third-degree burns inflicted by the brother of a tribal warlord with a red-hot machete."
3. Chicago Cutlery "When you run out of bullets, there's always Chicago Cutlery."
4. Jack Daniels Whiskey "Nothing takes the edge off a bullet wound like a shot of Jack"
5. Red Bull "It keeps you awake like there's no tomorrow."

November 22, 2008

8 ways to keep your feet warm this winter

1.  slippers
2.  wingtips
3.  loafers
4.  moccasins
5.  sneakers
6.  jackboots
7.  mukluks
8.  Birkenstocks

November 21, 2008

10 curses you can use in mixed company

1.  Nertz!
2.  Judas Priest!
3.  Sugar!
4.  Fiddle sticks!
5.  Cheese and crackers!
6.  Heavens to Murgatroyd!
7.  Jeez Louise!
8.  Horse feathers!
9.  D'oh!
10.  Cheney in a hammock!

November 20, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1960s

1.  Did you hear what I said Miss Kubliek, I absolutely adore you.  Shut up and deal.
2.  I'm not even going to swat that fly.  I hope they're watching, they'll see.  They'll see and they'll know and they'll say, why she wouldn't even harm a fly.
3.  Your going to live a long life, in a cage.  That's where you belong and that's where you're going and this time for life.  Bang you head against the wall.  Count the days, the months, the hours until the day you rot.
4.  Nothing's too good for the man who shot Liberty Valence.
5.  Mein Fuehrer, I can walk.
6.  Do you know what you are?  You're all stinking sons of . . . 
7.  I've got a flat tire and I ain't got no spare.
8.  Well, Tillie, when the hell are we going to get some dinner.
9.  You finally did it!  You maniacs! You blew it up! Goddam you!  Goddam you all to hell!
10.  Good.  For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.

November 19, 2008

9 things that cost more than one share of General Motors stock.

1.  any hamburger at Hardees
2.  a gallon of diesel
3.  64 box of Crayola crayons with built-in sharpener
4.  the toll on the New York Thruway from exit 24 Albany to exit 31 Utica
5.  12 ounce can of Classic Spam (or Turkey Spam, Lower Sodium Spam, Spam Lite, or Hickory Smoke Flavored Spam.)
6.  a ticket to the 7 pm showing of Porky's, March 19, 1982
7.  three 10-15 count jumbo shrimp
8.  Starbucks tall Carmel Macchiato - tall means small
9.  one pound of rubber bands

November 18, 2008

10 ways to keep your head warm this winter.

1.  bowler
2.  beanie
3.  porkpie
4.  fedora
5.  cap
6.  fez
7.  stetson
8.  panama
9.  newsboy
10.  beret

November 17, 2008

He may be man's best friend but there's still 7 things that bug me about my dog.

1.  He's always licking me.
2.  He wakes up every day at 6:30 am, even on week-ends.
3.  The smell of rotten sewage pours out of his mouth.
4.  He pees on everything.
5.  He won't let us dress him in funny hats.
6.  He sleeps in the bed and barks in his sleep.
7.  He's required 3 after-hours emergency vet visits

November 16, 2008

6 great features from Mad Magazine

1.  The fold-in back inside cover.
2.  The Lighter Side Of . . . 
3.  Spy Vs. Spy
4.  Mad's Maddest Artist, Don Martin
5.  Sergio Aragones margin art
6.  Movie and TV parodies

November 15, 2008

6 oils I have sitting around the house.

1.  Motor oil
2.  Safflower oil
3.  Mineral oil
4.  Olive oil
5.  Avocado oil
6.  Baby oil

November 14, 2008


1.  Paddington
2.  Gentle Ben
3.  Bad Idea Bears (go see Avenue Q)
4.  The Icee Bear
5.  Bobo, Mr. Burns only friend
6. Fozzy Bear
7.  Snuggles
8.  Those awkward butt-wiping bears from the Charmin commercials
9.  The Berenstain Bears
10.  Fuzzy Wuzzy (if memory serves, he wuz a bear)

November 13, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1950s

1.  You know what they say. 'My son's my son 'til he gets him a wife, but my daughter's my daughter all of her life.'  All of our life
2.  Well thank you, Harvey.  I prefer you too.
3.  There's nothing else.  Just us, and the cameras, and those wonderful people in the dark.  All right, Mr. DeMille.  I'm ready for my close up.
4.  Hey Stella!  Hey Stella!
5. Every one of you, listening to my voice, tell the world.  Tell this to everybody wherever they are.  Watch the skies, everywhere, keep looking.  Keep watching the skies.
6.  Robert E. Lee Prewit.  Isn't that a silly old name?
7.  Remember honey, on our wedding day it's okay to say yes.
8.  Shane.  Shane! Come back Shane!
9.  Hello everybody.  This is Mrs. Norman Maine.
10.  Go.  Proclaim liberty throughout all lands and to all of the inhabitants thereof.

November 12, 2008


1.  Smokey Bear
2.  Yogi and Boo Boo
3.  Sugar Bear (Super Sugar Crisp)
4.  Teddy Ruxpin
5.  Ditka
6.  Care Bears
7.  Gummi Bears
8.  Baloo (Look for the bear necessities . . . )
9. Winnie the Pooh
10.  State o' Maine (read a book if you've never heard of the bear named State o' Maine.)

A moment of silence for the now extinct Bear Stearns

November 11, 2008

10 musical acts on every entomologist's iPod.

1.  The Beatles
2.  The Crickets
3.  Iron Butterfly
4.  The Yellowjackets
5.  The Scorpions
6.  Papa Roach
7.  Alien Ant Farm
8.  W.A.S.P.
9.  Adam Ant
10.  Bingo, Bango, Bongo, and Irving:  The Mosquitos from Gilligan's Island (AKA The Wellingtons.)  The same episode featured the girls singing as The Honey Bees.

November 10, 2008

5 Iron Chefs (more fun to say than to spell.)

1  Chen Kenichi
2. Hiroyuki Sakai
3. Masohiko Kobe
4.  Rokusaburo Michibi
5.  Masaharu Morimoto

November 9, 2008

6 annoying phrases with an assist from Amanda

1.  No ifs, ands, or buts
2.  Hate with a passion
3.  On so many levels
4.  Try and be funny (or any other verb.)  Do you mean "try to be funny" or "tried and was funny?"  If you succeeded in being funny, then the trying part is irrelevent.
5.  So on and so forth.
6.  You rock.  (If you mean "thank you" say "thank you."  "You rock" just sounds like old-people pseudo-slang, fo-shizzle.)

November 8, 2008

5 don'ts of having a cold.

1.  Don't feel like sitting up
2.  Don't feel like being awake
3.  Don't feel like drinking beer
4.  Don't feel like leaving house (or bed)
5.  Don't feel like making lists

November 7, 2008

5 good things about the hobo life.

1.  All of your clothes double as pajamas
2.  Beans are a good source of iron.
3.  Life is one big road trip.
4.  No chance of moss gathering.
5.  Monocles are ironic rather than pretentious.

November 6, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1940s

1.  Throw that junk.
2.  The stuff that dreams are made of.
3.  There's a lot to be said for making people laugh. Did you know that's all some people have?  It isn't much but it's better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan.
4. Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
5.  Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon.  We have the stars.
6.  The Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming . . .
7.  Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings and angels gets his wings.  That's right.  Attaboy Clarence.
8.  Alex, will you come in please.  I wish to talk to you.
9.  Made it, Ma!  Top of the world (kaboom)  He finally made it to the top of the world and it blew up right in his face.
10.  There you are Norton.  The people.  Try and lick that.

November 5, 2008

Now that he's allowed back in public, 5 things on President Bush's to-do list.

1.  The White House lawn is badly in need of tending.
2. Not too late for some trick or treating - he loves those little Snickers bars.
3.  Presidential peanut butter supply ran dry after the VP debate and crackers with butter and peanuts just isn't working.
4. If he has to hear one more time about her days as a school librarian, he's going to scream.  He just needs a little me-time.
5.  Rove says Zack and Miri Make a Porno is HIL-arious.

November 4, 2008

10 things I would have voted against had they been on the ballot.

1.  Low-rise blue jeans (Proposition Muffin Top)
2.  That bloated feeling
3.  Cat hair - it belongs on a cat but it seems to be everywhere else.
4.  Teachers who refer to the children they teach a "my babies."
5.  Madonna - can't sing, too old to be a provocateur 
6.  Comcast Cable
7.  Morning Crews, Zoo Crews, The Morning Disaster, etc and every other morning radio blather.
8.  Morons who park at the front door of the grocery store when an open parking space is only 20 feet away.
9.  Florida
10. Gum Snapping

November 3, 2008

10 good-byes after a long political season

1.  electoral maps
2.  robocalls
3.  stump speeches
4.  people named Tucker
5.  real America/fake America
6.  yard signs
7.  "The View" somehow wandering into my life even though I'm at work when it airs
8.  anything related to Alaska with the exception of "The Deadliest Catch" which is really cool.
9.  everyone named Joe - you hear that Joe Cocker!!
10.  anxiety

November 2, 2008

3 responses to I gave to the focus group I used to test my new blog banner.

1.  I can't help it if my blog so darn cool that it takes planetary-league imagery to convey its coolness.
2.  What?  This is just something I whipped up.  No biggie.
3.  Does this blog banner make my butt look big?

November 1, 2008

5 questions from the trivia night that we totally won even though there were 32 other tables and we drank, like, 45 beers.

1.  How many murders where in the1978 movie Halloween?
2.  What was the first Saturday morning cartoon to include a regular black cast member?
3.  Which company makes Lemonheads?
4.  What country did William of Orange rule?
5.  What was Winston Churchill's favorite drink?

October 31, 2008

6 Halloween costumes I've worn

1.  Captain America - included a cheap flammable suit and a plastic face held on with a rubber band.
2.  Hobo - my preschool beard was created by smearing vaseline all over my face and coating it with toaster crumbs.
3.  Various zombies and dead guys.
4.  A prom couple killed in a horrible car accident on their special dream night.
5.  Charlie Chaplin - with vintage bowler and cane
6.  Homer Simpson - with custom built fat suit, bald wig, and six pack of duff beer

October 30, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1930s

1.  Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?
2.  I steal.
3.  Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes.  It was beauty killed the beast.
4.  But what it the world do they want a trumpet for?
5.  Hello everybody, this is Mrs. Norman Maine.
6.  Toto, we're home.  And this is my room.   And you're all here.  And I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again because I love you all.  And, oh Auntie Em, there's no place like home.
7.  Why was I not made of stone, like thee?
8.  Is that you, Martha?  I don't want to be disturbed.
9.   Merry Christmas and may God bless us, everyone.
10.  This is good for cracking nuts, isn't it?

October 29, 2008

7 last words.

1.  Thomas Jefferson still survives.  
2.  Et tu, Brute?
3.  That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted.
4.  Damn it, don't you dare ask God to help me.
5.  Is it the Fourth?
6.  Let's cool it, brothers.
7.  Let's do it.

October 28, 2008

7 Doris Day DVD's Tony's grandmother wants for Christmas

1. Tea For Two
2. Move Over Darling
3. Teacher's Pet
4. Do Not Disturb
5. Thrill Of It All
6. It Happened To Jane
7. Caprice

(She's not suggesting that one need gift the full list, she just doesn't have these. She also doesn't have Midnight Lace, Julie, and Tunnel of Love but these don't appear to be released on DVD.)

October 27, 2008

6 mnemonics

1.  Roy G. Biv
3.  my very earnest mother just served us nine pickles
4.  every good boy does fine
5.  kids prefer cheese over fried spinach
6.  a tense grey cat lay very low, sneaking slowly, contemplating a pounce

October 26, 2008

A bunch of Steves

1.  Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak (Apple founders)
2.  Steve Irwin (The Crocodile Hunter)
3.  Steve McQueen (movie stud)
4.  Steve Ditko (Hall of Fame comic book genius)
5.  Steve Winwood (Traffic, Blind Faith, Spencer Davis Group)
6.  Steve Buscemi (firefighter/actor)
7.  Steve Allen (1st Tonight Show host/writer of 10,000 songs)
8.  Steve Madden (shoe mogul)
9.  Steve Canyon (Milt Caniff comic strip)
10.  Steve Martin (wild and crazy guy)

October 25, 2008

7 guns I shot today

1. M4 Carbine
2. Glock 22 Pistol
3. Remington Shotgun
4. MP5/10 Submachine Gun
5. Thompson Submachine Gun
6. .357 Revolver (or was it a .44)
7. AK47

October 24, 2008

7 sorts of tramps

1.  Charlie Chaplin, The Little Tramp
2.  Walt Disney's Lady and the Tramp
3.  Tramp stamps
4.  Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves
5.  Supertramp
6.  Tramps like us, baby we were born to run
7.  Charles Rogers, Charles Harelson (Woody's dad,) and Chauncey Holt (look it up.)

October 23, 2008

Complicated mathematics

1.  Sitcom Children  Rosanne x Family Ties - I Love Lucy - The Brady Bunch = Married With Children.
2.  Legs   (Boll Weevil x Cheetah) / Octopus + Me = Starfish
3.  Baseball  Strikes x Defensive Positions - Batters in a Perfect Game = Cub's Chance of Winning World Series
4.  Private Data  My Social Security Number - Visa Card Number + My ATM PIN = The Combination of my High School Locker

October 22, 2008

5 things you can make with eggs beside an omlette.

1.  Quiche
2.  Marshmallows
3.  Pasta Carbornara
4.  Deviled Eggs
5.  Zabaglione

October 21, 2008

10 mavericks

1.  Samuel Augustus Maverick - the eponymous Maverick who refused to brand his cattle.
2. Maury Maverick - his grandson for whom we owe the word "goobledygook."
3. Madonna's record label
4.  A Dallas NBA team
5.  Tom Cruise in Top Gun
6.  A roller coaster at Cedar Point
7.  A TV series with James Garner
8.  A pale movie version of the TV series with Mel Gibson
9.  A 1970's Ford model
10. The best steak house for those who have less than $7 to spend.

October 20, 2008

10 varietals that make life a little bit better.

1.  Malbec
2.  Cabernet Sauvignon
3.  Muscat
4.  Sangiovese
5.  Chardonnay
6.  Merlot
7.  Riesling
8.  Syrrah
9.  Pinot Noir
10.  Zinfandel

October 19, 2008

7 portmanteux for the 21st century.

1.  chillax
2.  staycation
3.  celebutante
4.  metrosexual
5.  mankini, mansierre, manties
6.  tomacco
7.  blog 

October 17, 2008

7 Signs It's Officially Fall

1. a chill in the air
2. the smell of things burning
3. started wearing a light jacket
4. turned on the space heater
5. cats now want to sleep under covers rather than on top of covers
6. Christmas decorations are going up at the mall
7. started growing annual facial hair

October 16, 2008

5 things Joe the Plumber said during the media blitz that weren't reported.

1. Kindergarten is a liberal plot designed to get our children to walk in lines.
2. Ted Kennedy. (Not sure what this means but saying it earns points with his base.)
3. I didn't say plumber, I said aplomb. I'm Joe the completely self-assured.
4. Do you think I look like Mr. Clean? I heard that guy died about a month ago. You think they'd hire me to replace him? What? That guy did the commercials and now it's just a drawing? I could be a drawing.
5. Don't tell McCain, but I used to belong to the Natural Law party which based it's platform on the teachings of the Marharishi Mahesh Yogi and which believes "all political problems can be solved through aligning one's self with the Unified Field of all the laws of nature." Also, the party can't always decide on a presidential candidate from within its ranks so they sometimes pick Ralph Nader or whoever the Socialist party picks. But don't tell McCain. He'll look like he says things without thinking them through very well.

October 15, 2008

10 1970s movies with animals in the title

1.  Three Days of the Condor
2.  The Day of the Dolphin
3.  Dog Day Afternoon
4.  One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
5.  A Man Called Horse
6.  The Eagle Has Landed
7.  Bad News Bears
8.  The Deer Hunter
9.  The Return of the Pink Panther
10.  Weasels Rip My Flesh - really

October 14, 2008

3 reasons that blogging is a uniquely American experience

1.  The free exchange of ideas is the keystone of democracy.
2.  Success is measured by ad revenue with content being only a means to that end.
3.  Bloggers need not burdened by intellect or actual knowledge of the facts.

October 13, 2008

7 Ronco commercials I used to see at Christmas time.

1.  The Buttoneer 
2.  The Veg-0-matic
3.  The Smokeless Ashtray
4.  Pocket Fisherman
5.  Rhinestone and Stud Setter
6.  Mr. Microphone
7.  I don't remember the name of the product but it cut the top off of soda bottles to create fine glassware.

October 12, 2008

6 Simon Templars

1.  Louis Hayward, 1938 and 1953 - the best
2.  George Sanders, 1939-1941
3.  Hugh Sinclair, 1941-1943
4.  A couple of French guys in the 60s
5.  Roger Moore (on TV) 1968-1969
6.  Val Kilmer, 1997

5 things present in chocolate rain

1.  theobromine
2.  tryptophan
3.  phenethylamine
4.  caffeine
5.  sugar

October 10, 2008

5 things that go with fiddle

1.  de-de
2.  sticks
3. faddle
4.  burning Romes
5.  head ferns

October 9, 2008

5 bits of sage advice for the coming months based upon years of watching Depression-era movies.

1. Do not hang clothes on an outdoor laundry line or hobos will steal them.
2. Sneak out the window when someone knocks on the door since it's probably the sheriff come to repossess your things.
3. Learn words to "I Can't Give You Anything But Love" to protect you from wild leopards.
4. Prove social dominance by peppering your discussions with the word "see" as in "This is my plate of beans, see."
5. You may be dirty and smelly but a ragged suit and hat will put a spring in your step.

October 7, 2008

10 things John McCain jotted on his legal pad with his Sharpie.

1. Ask intern to use his new-fangled cell phone to order 100 pizzas to be delivered to Obama.
2. Don't forget to refer to crowd as 'my friends'.
3. Black suit is hot under these lights. Consider kilt.
4. Punch Tom Brokaw in the throat.
5. October surprise idea! Ask John Wayne to be secretary of kick-ass. Wait, is John Wayne alive? Okay then, Charlton Heston. He's alive, right? Steve McQueen? Magnum PI?
6. Hey Mr. Tal-i-ban, Tal-i me ba-na-na.
7. Suspend campaign so you can help fold up chairs when we finish tonight.
8. Ask Sarah to give Cindy make-up tips so she doesn't look so racoonish at my Inauguration.
9. Pollster, I hardly know her.
10. Secret plan to catch Bin Laden: one-billion dollar bill, fishing line, handgun.

October 6, 2008

5 responses to David Byrne asking, "how did I get here?"

1.  South on 6th Street
2.  Parental canoodling
3.  Practice, practice, practice
4.  Hard work and perseverance
5.  Blind luck

October 5, 2008

5 movies with rabbits.

1.  Who Framed Roger Rabbit
2.  Harvey
3.  Donnie Darko
4.  Fatal Attraction
5.  Monty Python and the Holy Grail

October 4, 2008

10 more particularly good Gershwin songs.

1.  Strike Up The Band
2.  Nice Work If You Can Get It
3.  Embraceable You
4.  But Not For Me
5.  Swanee
6.  The Man I Love
7.  An American In Paris
8.  Love Is Here To Stay
9.  Strike Up The Band
10.  I Got Plenty O' Nuthin'

October 3, 2008

10 particularly good Gershwin songs.

1.  S'wonderful
2.  They Can't Take That Away From Me
3.  Bidin' My Time
4.  Fascinating Rhythm
5.  Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
6.  Slap That Bass
7.  I Got Rhythm
8.  They All Laughed
9.  (I'll Build) A Stairway To Paradise
10.  Someone To Watch Over Me

October 2, 2008

7 uses for the 'g's dropped in 90 minutes of Sarah Palin talkin' and debatin'

1.  Campbell's Chicken Alphabet soup now 80% G
2. Kenny G now Kenny Ggg.
3.  M&Ms now G&Gs
4.  Useless X removed from alphabet and replaced with a second G.
5.  1,000,000 now referred to as 1000 Gs
6.  William H. Macy now Gilliam H. Gacy.
7.  Homophonic consistency is finally possible: gnew, gknew, and gnu.

October 1, 2008

5 great movie taglines

1.  In space, no one can hear you scream.
2.  Garbo talks!
3.  Houston, we have a problem.
4.  The classic story of a boy and his mother.
5.  You will believe a man can fly.

September 30, 2008

5 Krusty the Clown sidekicks.

1.  Sideshow Bob
2.  Sideshow Mel
3.  Sideshow Raheem
4.  Sideshow Luke Perry
5.  Mr. Teeny

September 29, 2008

5 tasty things that corn gives us

1.  Corn on the cob
2.  Popcorn
3.  Tortilla
4.  Hominy
5.  Corn bread

September 28, 2008

11 thoughts Sarah Palin studied which all came out in one breathless paragraph (with limited support from verbs.)

1.  healthcare reform
2.  shore up our economy
3.  job creation
4.  shore up our economy (again)
5.  back on the right track
6.  healthcare reform (again)
7.  reducing taxes
8.  reining in spending
9.  tax relief for Americans
10.  see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um scary thing
11.  umbrella of job creation

September 27, 2008

5 cool cars I saw at the International Mother Road Festival.

1.  1965 Volvo
2.  1969 Falcon van
3.  1974 Pinto
4.  1970 Dodge Challenger
5.  1962 Ford Starliner

September 26, 2008

8 cool robots - excludes androids and anything created by George Lucas.

1.  Robbie - Forbidden Planet
2.  Gort - The Day the Earth Stood Still
3.  Bender Bending Rodriguez - Futurama
4.  H.E.R.B.I.E. - Fantastic Four cartoon
5.  Rosey - the Jetson's maid
6.  Maria - Metropolis
7. T 1000 -  Terminator II
8.  Fembots - Austin Powers

September 25, 2008

5 gimmicks, other than suspending your Presidential campaign (while continuing to campaign), that will solve our financial crisis.

1. Insist for an additional $20 billion to encourage Taco Bell corporate management to return the Chicken Ranch Gordita to the menu. It won't help the economy, but they are filling and will be necessary when we can only afford to eat twice a week.
2. Put all of our national reserves into Chicago Cub products. If they win World Series, that stuff will be worth a fortune.
3. Assure the country that you have top secret plan to resolve the crisis which you keep with your top secret plan to capture Bin Laden and which you'll put into action once elected.
4. Attend debate, look opponent directly in the eye, and in a firm voice say, "A person incapable of leading us through this crisis says 'what'."
5. Tell those who are actually working on an agreement to salvage our economy that you will hold your breathe until they agree on something.

September 24, 2008

5 words or phrases that you should try to keep out of your obituary

1. "recently indicted"
2. "corpulent"
3. "bedazzled"
4. "reality show star"
5. "good for nothing" (also "celebutante", "pundit", "blogger")

September 23, 2008

5 rock bands that would make great muffins

1. The Cranberries
2. Bananarama
3. Korn
4. Smashing Pumpkins
5. Strawberry Alarm Clock

September 22, 2008

7 cars I've called my own.

1. AMC Matador
2. Ford Mustang
3. Renault Alliance
4. Ford Escort
5. Oldsmobile Calais
6. Mitsubishi Galant
7. Toyota Prius

September 20, 2008

5 questions that answer themselves

1.  I wonder why nobody steals those ugly floral displays people hang on their doors?
2.  Does this dress make me look fat?
3.  What?  Do you think I'm stupid?
4.  Do I have to tell you again?
5.  Are you listening to me?

September 19, 2008

6 things you won't find in Clue.

1.  Candlestick Park
2.  The Beatles' Revolver album
3.  Alfred Hitchcock's 1948 movie Rope
4.  Mack the Knife
5.   Foo Fighter's Monkey Wrench
6.  A lead pipe.  If you haven't played a modern version of the game, they've "improved" it.  

September 18, 2008

4 potential reasons behind the current state of my 401K

1. Simple physics. As we move into the fall, cooler temperatures result in contraction.
2. NBC's Biggest Loser returns and brings my account along with it.
3. As George Castanza might suggest: shrinkage.
4. Look Honey, I Shrunk the Nest Egg
I wrote this list at about 9:30 pm and was struggling to come up with a #5, since that's a pleasing number for a list of things. I considered something about golf rules and the smallest portfolio wins but I opted to go with 4 rather than add something I recognized as tripe. A short time later, I'm watching The Daily Show and Jon Stewart uses the exact same schikt about golf rules. So, I've either come a long way and I'm ready to write for basic cable or Jon Stewart has started allowing interns to write his gags.

September 17, 2008

Economic policy option B

1. Wall Street is, by nature, greedy.
2. Employ regulation to create a healthy pursuit of greed.
3. Enjoy steady, slow, sustainable growth.
4. Nouveau greedy-types graduate with MBAs only to discover they can't afford $1000 Kobe hamburgers, super cars, or islands.
5. A few of the nouveau greedy find creative ways to circumvent regulation. They become very rich and then end up in jail.
6. Others, having seen what the nouveau greedy had been able to buy, find their own greed reawakened.
7. They elect politician who will bring back economic policy option A.

Economic policy option A

1. Regulation is bad.
2. Deregulate everything.
3. Proudly puff out chest and begin campaign for second term.
4. In an environment without limitations, risky and/or stupid behavior ensues.
5. Economic catastrophe rocks globe.
6. Decry corruption that led to catastrophe, present reform through regulation.
7. Wait until news cycle shifts e.g. hurricane, missing white child, someone says "happy holidays" etc.
8. Go to #1 and repeat.

September 16, 2008

September 15, 2008

6 memorable components of "Trouble in Paradise."

1.  Venetian garbage man
2.  Dunking donuts on the sly
3.  Purses (you know what they stand for, right?)
4.  Tonsils
5.  Passage of time.
6.  Phooey

September 14, 2008

5 canned meats

1.  tuna
2.  Underwood's Deviled Ham
3.  Spam
4.  Vienna Weiners
5.  sardines

September 13, 2008

4 indications that Saturday Night Live's writer's room is filled with a million monkeys sitting at a million typewriters.

1.  Funny paper's Cathy.  Would this have been funny 20 years ago when people actually read comic strips?
2.  Ugly twins.  I'm willing to laugh at ugly children but they have to do something funny. 
3.  Sassy waiter.   Did they actually make a reference to a 12 year old movie no one remembers and then explain the joke by acknowledging that it was an old reference?
4.  Swimming coach.  Look, he dances funny.  That's rich.

September 12, 2008

4 beings with two faces

1.  Janus
2.  Jekyll and Hyde
3.  Harvey Dent
4. Lately, John McCain

September 11, 2008

5 things you can do to insure that others think you're stupid.

1.  Write a letter-to-the-editor.
2.  Wear a bluetooth headset.
3.  Believe anything said by anyone asking for your vote.
4.  Tattoo and/or pierce parts you can't hide under your clothes.
5.  Open your mouth (applies to 90% of mouth-opening activities.)

September 10, 2008

5 things you can do to make others think you're smart.

1.  Remain quiet and nod a lot.
2.  Read a book while you walk.
3.  Pretend to like jazz.
4.  Make sure others know you use a Mac (I'm typing this on my Macbook.)
5.  Put initials after your name.

September 9, 2008

4 types of vinegar I have in my cupboard

1. black vinegar (from the Asian food store)
2. rice wine vinegar
3. balsamic vinegar (2 types)
4. red wine vinegar

September 8, 2008

5 word pairs that use the same letters

1. meat team
2. listen silent
3. live evil
4. anger range
5. pale plea

September 7, 2008

10 dudes with girl names

1.  Evelyn Waugh
2.  Connie Mack
3.  Marion Morrison
4.  Leslie Howard
5.  Dana Carvey
6.  Jean Hersholt
7.  Rosey Grier
8.  Sandy Koufax
9.  Val Kilmer
10.  Pearl Zane Gray

September 6, 2008

10 airplane crashes that claimed famous lives

1.  Will Rogers - Alaska, 1935
2.  Carol Lombard - Nevada, 1942
3.  Glenn Miller - English Channel, 1944
4.  Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly - Iowa, 1959
5.  Otis Redding - Wisconsin, 1967
6.  Yuri Gagarin - near Moscow, 1968
7.  Roberto Clemente - Puerto Rico, 1972
8.  Ronnie Van Sandt - Mississippi, 1977
9.  Ricky Nelson - Texas, 1985
10.  Payne Stewart - South Dakota, 1999

Joe Jr, explosion over English Channel, 1944
Kathleen, France, 1948
Ted, 1964, survived
John Jr and wife, near Martha's Vineyard, 1999

September 5, 2008

7 sorts of kings

1.  Kong
2.  Crimson
3.  Solomon
4.  sized Snickers
5.  cobra
6.  crab
7.  Arthur flour

September 4, 2008

10 totally boss pairings

1.  Proctor and Gamble
2. Mork and Mindy
3.  Pork and beans
4.  Gin and tonic
5.  Lennon and McCartney
6.  Bogey and Bacall
7.  Tom and Jerry
8.  Nick and Nora
9.   Scylla and Charybdis
10.  Andy and Mary

September 3, 2008

5 ways that I'm like Sarah Palin.

1.  I'm good at my job.
2.  I'm well liked my nearly all of my constituents.
3.  I do my best to be innovative and work every day of the week if that's what it takes.
4.  I chose my work for the privilege of serving others.
5.  I'm not qualified to be vice-president.

September 2, 2008

8 commedia del'arte characters

1. Harliquin
2.  the doctor
3.  the captain
4.  Columbine
5.  Pedrolino
6.  Scaramouch
7.  Pulcinella
8.  Tartaglia

September 1, 2008

25 names to be topped by Hussein or Sidney

1.  Walker
2.  Jefferson
3.  Herbert Walker
4.  Wilson
5.   Earl
6.  Rudolph
7.  Milhous
8.  Baines
9.  Fitzgerald
10.  David
11.  S
12.  Delano
13. Clark
14.  Calvin
15.  Gamaliel
16.  Woodward
17.  Howard
18.  Grover 
19.  Alan
20.  Abram
21.  Birchard
22.  Simpson
23.  Knox
24.  Henry
25.  Quincy

August 31, 2008

4 things you probably shouldn't do if your goal is to relax.

1.  Drink too many caiphrinas
2.  Eat two plates of beans and rice - not good for sleeping through the night.
3.  Sit outside all day when an air-conditioned couch is available.
4.  Forward-somersaults off a spring board.

August 30, 2008

7 reasons that I think I'm a liberal

1.  I like to sprinkle stem cells on my corn flakes.
2.  I work at a university - the last bastion of socialism.
3.  I actually think that global warming exists.
4.  Rush Limgaugh really is a big fat idiot.   (A very smart idiot but an idiot all the same.)
5.  I have to admit that George Clooney is kind of hunky.
6.  I enjoy a little arugula from time to time.
7.  I'm happy to pay taxes so that someone less fortunate than me can go to the doctor.

August 29, 2008

10 things that passed through my mind upon hearing that Sarah Palin is McCain's VP pick.

1.  He's 72 years old.
2.  He's had multiple cancer scares.
3.  He has never been clear about his plans - is he expecting to serve one term or does he think he'll survive until he's 80?
4.  It seems to be a reasonable possibility that, if elected, he could die in office.
5.  So, a vote for John McCain is a vote of confidence that his VP could serve the office as well.
6.  He picks Sarah Palin.
7.  She seems to be an up-and-coming star, but still a little green.
8.  Picking her seems to be a gambit to overcome what seems to be a sure loss in November.
9.  So John McCain's pick is focused on him winning rather than providing an adequate successor in the unfortunate, but possible, event that he doesn't survive his term.
10.  John McCain cares more for his ambition than what is best for America.

August 28, 2008

6 reasons I think I'm a conservative.

1.  If I were knocked up, I wouldn't get an abortion.
2.  I think James Carville is some sort of alien monkey life-form sent down to weaken us for some future invasion.
3.  Sometimes Matlock comes on TV and I find myself watching it.
4.  I'm unable to enjoy Christmas without constant, reaffirming "Merry Christmas"s from every person I see.
5.  I prefer Omega Man to I Am Legend.
6.  Can't say Barack Obama without following it that Xena ayayayayaya scream.

August 27, 2008

4 lunch boxes I remember using.

1.  Dome-top Disney school bus
2.  Square Adam-12 
3.  Dome-top US Post Office
4.  Pincocchio

August 26, 2008

6 totally excellent TV sidekicks

1. Gilligan
2. Potsie
3. Barney Ruble
4. Barney Fife
5. Ed McMahon
6. Tatoo (de plane, de plane)

August 25, 2008

5 plots you must include in a book of fables.

1.  The creation of the world
2.  Tricking the devil
3.  Kissing a frog
4.  Three wishes
5.  Step-sisters or step mothers.

August 24, 2008

3 not so neat things about attending the Obama/Biden rally.

1.  Took 24 hours to rehydrate after surviving heat for too many hours.
2.  Can't wash the smell of the old sweaty lady who seemed to think I existed for her to lean her sweaty old weight on.
3.  Face is crispy-fried.

August 23, 2008

3 neat things about attending Obama/Biden rally.

1.  Got to be a part of a national media event.
2. Had a chance to see someone who may become President.
3.  Souvenirs:  an Obama Biden placcard from their first official apearance and a groovy campaign pin with Obama dressed as Superman.

August 22, 2008

5 signs that you've had too much coffee

1. Combining long streams of words into a single mush-mouthed grunt.
2. Brain moves mouth down a dead-end road
3. Can't remember the most simple words.
4. Lots of finger snapping
5. Easily distracted and, in mid-distraction, distracted by yet another thing.

August 21, 2008

5 places you can expect to find Aces

1.  poker
2.  tennis
3.  volleyball
4.  dog-fighter airplane
5.  KISS concerts

August 20, 2008

6 major pieces of art I've seen

1.  Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
2.  The David
3.  Michelangelo's slaves
4.  Rape of Sabine
5.  Monet's Haystacks
6.  Van Gogh's Irises

August 19, 2008

5 Olympic events for which I might still qualify

1.  10 meter air pistol - bb guns are fun
2.  sailing - that involves sitting, right?
3.  archery - didn't Gena Davis almost make the team?
4.  curling - an event in which athletes could be drunk
5.  4 man bobsled - sittin' and slidin'

August 18, 2008

5 lazy-thinking go-to's if you can't come up with a list idea.

1.  things about cats
2.  food related stuff
3.  drinking
4.  whatever's on TV at that moment
5.  things I did when I was a kid

August 17, 2008

5 from the never-ending list of great cakes

1.  Angel food - good for the blood chemistry
2.  Wedding cake - tastes great with beer
3.  Birthday cake - the one thing to do when you're invited to someone's child's party
4.  Cake (the band) - what Cole Porter might sound like if he were into alt-rock
5.  Urinal cake - imagine what public restrooms would smell like without the fresh aroma of cake

August 16, 2008

An evening at the State Fair in list form.

1. Drink an Amstel Light
2. Eat pork curry with yogurt salad
3. Listen to Jamaican band
4. Consider a Red Stripe but drink a Fosters (poor decision)
5. Consider what to eat next
6. Eat a bowl of candied plantains and a few bites of wife's pasticcio (wowsa good)
7. Roam around fair grounds
8. Share 22 bag of mini donuts
9. Watch kids at the Wax Hands tent - cool.
10. Talk wife into overpriced Monkey Nut (12 bucks for some juice in a carved coconut)
11. Return to listen to Jamaican band
12. Follow through on that Red Stripe idea.

August 15, 2008

6 hot GarageBand tracks I'm laying down for my first techno album

1.  Bluetooth Headset
2. Macrobiotic Funk
3.  Bannacheckin'
4.  OrganicCrystalYogaVegan
5.  Rockin' Mustapha
6.  Maximum Cowbell

August 14, 2008

5 reasons why I can't keep writing Olympic themed lists.

1.  There's more than a week to go before the end.
2.  Shines a bright light on the fact that the athletes are exhibiting physical perfection while I'm lying on the couch blogging.
3.  What are there, like 50o swimming events.  How can I write about swimming every night?
4. NBC's commentators are so negative, it's hard to get excited about the athletes inadequacies.  (I wouldn't realize how much the athlete's suck if they didn't tell me.)
5.  Without Jim McKay, I'm just not in the mood.

August 13, 2008

If my life were the Olympics, 5 of my gold medal events.

1. Too much coffee-drinking
2. Under breath cursing
3. Endurance television watching
4. Stress eating
5. List writing

August 12, 2008

In honor of Michael Phelps, my 4 strongest swimming strokes.

1.  The Spastic Crab
2.  The Wiggle Kick
3.  The Short-of-Breath Stroke
4.  The Wild Windmill

August 11, 2008

In honor of the Olympics, 5 things I like to order at Panda Express and 5 physical activities I do to work off the calories

1. Beijing Beef and push-ups
2. Kung Pao chicken and long walks
3. Chow Mein and leg lunges
4. Mandarin Chicken and jack-knifes
5. Orange Chicken and taking the stair rather than the elevator

August 10, 2008

Having seen an unlikely Joan Jett/Huey Lewis concert, 5 ACT test answers based upon them if they were something else other than musicians.

1. (Ice cream) Joan Jett is to black cherry as Huey Lewis is to a big bowl of vanilla which, when you take a bite, you learn has no sugar or vanilla - just frozen milk.
2. (Television channels) Joan Jett is to MTV in its first year (when it was cool) as Huey Lewis is to the TV Guide channel - good stuff but who really cares.
3. (Cars) Joan Jett is to a TVR Sagaris (stripped-down, fast, sexy, and dangerous) as Huey Lewis is to a Volvo S80 (a darn nice car and most would be happy to drive.)
4. (Pants) Joan Jett is to (what else) skin tight black patent leather with lace-up front as Huey Lewis is to dungarees with a crease ironed down the front.
5. (Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) Joan Jett is to a future inductee as Huey Lewis is to can get a $7 discount on a two-day pass once he turns 65.

August 9, 2008

4 bacon recipes that sound pretty good.

1. Cinnamon Rum Ice Cream with Candied Bacon chips
2. Bacon Burger (not a burger with bacon but a burger made out of bacon
3. Chocolate Chip Cookies with Bacon and Maple Glaze
4. Chicken Fried Bacon with Country Gravy

August 8, 2008

7 mind-blowing moments from the Olympic opening ceremony

1. Fireworks footsteps leading across the city.
2. Giant LED scroll.
3. Dancing sumi painters
4. 2008 drummers
5. Synchronized printing tiles
6. Globe rising from floor with dozens of people walking on all longitudes.
7. Lighting the torch.

August 7, 2008

Guest List: Seven Famous Godzilla Enemies

1. Mothra
2. King Ghidora
3. Megalon
4. Smog Monster
5. Mechagodzilla
6. King Kong
7. US Millitary

August 6, 2008

5 likely reasons for the day that I finally snap and end up in jail

1. Needless stoplights.
2. Crazy pet adoption ladies who lurk outside the hardware store on weekends trying to get you to take in a stray. (Do I need a weirdo suggesting that I lack the capcity to love because, despite having three pets, I could do more?)
3. People with loud mufflers. I can forgive a poor person with a rusted-out muffler but how can you passively accept morons who purposefully adapt their exhaust system to make a lot of noise? Do they call these loudlers rather than mufflers?
4. People who, when I’m at the mall, veer aimlessly into my personal space. Maybe it’s my fault that I have to drastically contort my body to avoid bumping into them? Maybe I’m invisible and they just don’t realize I’m there?
5. Lazy people who take the paycheck but who do nothing. I’m all for lounging, chilling, relaxing, etc. but that’s only after and if you’ve served your purpose in the world.

August 5, 2008

5 things I probably shouldn’t but will eat at the State Fair.

1. Corn dog with mustard and ketchup
2. Cotton Candy
3. Curry (from the ethnic area) with a cold import beer
4. Something off the beaten path like alligator or ranch-favored crickets
5. Emma’s sweet roll

August 4, 2008

5 reasons why I don’t need a cat on me.

1. I broke my sternum years ago and they always seem to put their full weight on it.
2. I am male and have squishy parts down there and they always seem to put their full weight on them.
3. Can cats sleep on your lap without mindlessly clawing holes in your flesh?
4. I either end up with two cats sleeping on me or two cats fighting over who will be the one cat sleeping on me.
5. Somehow, a butthole ends up in my face.

August 3, 2008

5 things that didn’t exist when I was a kid.

1. Chibbatta bread
2. Dyslexia
3. Velcro
4. Video games (although I did have a Pong console with wood grain accents.
5. Hip hop

August 2, 2008

5 things my dog must be rolling in to come in stinking like he does

1. Decomposing yak
2. A puddle of curdled milk
3. A pile of Anne Rice novels
4. Wino vomit
5. fish scales and foot sweat

August 1, 2008

5 things I haven’t done on my summer break

1. didn’t swim
2. didn’t go on vacation
3. severe lack of sno-cones
4. haven’t screamed on a roller coaster
5. have heard, but not seen fireworks

July 31, 2008

5 things we should all avoid.

1. swallowing swords
2. tossing cookies
3. leaping lizards
4. chasing amy (and the rest of his movies)
5. swinging single

July 30, 2008

5 1930’s movie detectives

1. Sherlock Holmes
2. Nick and Nora Charles
3. Hildegarde Withers
4. Charlie Chan
5. Joel and Garde Sloane

July 29, 2008

5 snakes from my 1970s

1. Snake and Mongoose - drag cars
2. Snake River Canyon - Evil Knievil’s rocket jump
3. Snakes from the fireworks stand on the corner
4. Ssssssss - movie in which Dirk Benedict turns into a snake
5. St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland - 9 years at St. Pat’s Grade School and all of those green Toughskins.

July 28, 2008

4 reasons that Mia, the stray cat, is so cute

1. part tabby, part siamese
2. big blue eyes
3. when she meows, no sound comes out of her mouth
4. no tail

July 27, 2008

10 pretty nice (big) noses

1. Jimmy Durante
2. Cyrano de Bergerac
3. Danny Thomas
4. Jamie Farr
5. The Great Gonzo
6. Adrian Brody
7. Sandra Bernhardt
8. Pinnochio
9. Marsha Brady - after football
10. Bob Hope

July 26, 2008

10 pretty nice moustaches (hate the man, not the moustache.)

1. Adolph Hitler
2. Charlie Chaplain
3. Rollie Fingers
4. Clark Gable
5. Groucho Marx
6. Tom Selleck
7. Salvador Dali
8. Gene Shalit
9. Ned Flanders
10. Burt Reynolds

July 25, 2008

5 tapas we shared for lunch.

1. Bacalao - codfish and potato cakes with lemon aioli
2. Alchachofas Fritas - fried artichokes with Romanesque sauce and Manchego cheese
3. Pincho de Pollo Y Chorizo - chicken and chorizo skewer with cumin aioli
4. Patatas Bravas - roasted potatos in tomato sauce
5. Tarta de Santiago - flourless almond cake

July 24, 2008

5 benefits of working in Higher Ed.

1. No one really cares if you show any effort.
2. Everyone assumes you’re the dumbest person in the room so you can get away with all kinds of crazy behavior.
3. If you try hard, no one will notice you and you can skip coming into work once or twice a week.
4. No one gets fired. (See #1. Firing people takes effort.)
5. Needless policies allow endless opportunities to bully students.

July 23, 2008

10 notable Muppets (from regions other than Sesame Street)

1. Kermit
2. Miss Piggy
3. Fozzy Bear
4. The Great Gonzo
5. Animal
6. Dr. Teeth (of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
7. Statler and Waldorf (you can’t break up a duo)
8. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beeker (another duo)
9. Scooter
10. The Swedish Chef

July 22, 2008

10 Muppets from the ‘hood.

1. Kermit
2. Cookie Monster
3. Grover
4. Big Bird
5. Aloysius Snuffleupagus
6. Count Von Count
7. Bert and Ernie (they’re a single muppet unit)
8. Oscar the Grouch
9. Guy Smiley
10. Mah Na Mah Na

July 21, 2008

4 times I lost consciousness.

1. That time the rope on my tire swing broke.
2. That time I was trying to catch a baseball on the first bounce (75 points) and ran head first into the lamp post.
3. That time I was riding a minibike and got my foot stuck on the clutch so I looked down and ran into a wrought iron railing at the church down the street.
4. That time I drank too much and passed out on the basement floor. (Ohh, the cool concrete feels so good . . . hey, how’d I get into this bed and where’d all this vomit come from?)

July 20, 2008

3 things that the rain on my roof sounds like.

1. Bacon frying
2. Cartoon fire
3. A Cheetos bag being crinkled

July 19, 2008

5 reasons I may be turning into a Mac snob.

1. I open up the Macbook and the thing turns on and is ready to use - IMMEDIATELY.
2. The crazy cool magnetic recharging port.
3. The battery has lights to tell me how much charge remains.
4. I’m not spending most of my computing time waiting for the system to do what I’ve asked it to do.
5. Garage Band - wow, how cool is that?

July 18, 2008

4 daily medications

1. simvastatin
2. 81 mg aspirin
3. antacid
4. beer

July 17, 2008

Prius facts 3: The impact of trading in a 2000 Galant after 135 days.

1. I’ve avoided buying 140.36 gallons of gas.
2. I’ve not spent $546.50.
3. I’ve not used 7.2 barrels of oil.
4. I’ve not put 2807 pounds of greenhouse gasses in the air.
5. I’ve average 47 mpg.

July 16, 2008

5 drags and dragging

1. Cigarettes
2. Unmotivated feet
3. Snakes and/or Mongooses
4. Dudes in dresses
5. Oppositional aerodynamic forces

July 15, 2008

10 absolutely vital stories the media wants me to follow.

1. Whose baby bump is most fabulous?
2. What’s Brittney doing right now?
3. Has Amy Winehouse been arrested? Come down with a new disease? Checked into and/or out of rehab?
4. What are the girls on The Hills really like. I bet they’re really nice.
5. Has Jennifer Love Hewitt lost weight in her butt?
6. What’s up with Beyonce and JayZ? Are they happy? I hope they’re happy.
7. How come America isn’t embracing Ali Lohan? I mean, she’s recording a CD so we owe her fame and adulation, right? Are we suppose to wait for her track to drop before we elevate her to her rightful spot in the heavens?
8. Don’t you just love Mario Lopez’s dimples? He’s so successful in his own way.
9. Jessica Alba – love her or love her to pieces. She’s classic Hollywood.
10. Isn’t it great that Nicole Ritchie’s best-selling novel is being turned into a TV program? She’s worked so hard to be taken seriously as an actress/writer/producer/entrepreneur/ and I’m glad someone is finally noticing her.

July 14, 2008

6 shows worth watching on BBC America

1. Top Gear
2. The Dragon’s Den
3. Graham Norton
4. Anything with Gordon Ramsey
5. Cash in the Attic
6. You Are What You Eat

July 13, 2008

5 things honeyish

1. Honey Bear
2. The Honeycomb Hideout
3. Honey Roasted Peanuts
4. Honey Butter
5. The Honey Drippers

July 12, 2008

3 differences between menudo and Menudo

1. After a long night of drinking, the dish eases a quesy stomach, while the group causes a quesy stomach.
2. The dish contains tripe, while the group peddles tripe.
3. The dish contains a lot of skin tissue, while the group members are skinny.

July 11, 2008

5 good Leo Sayer songs - really.

1.The Show Must Go On
2. Long Tall Glasses
3. You Make Me Feel Like Dancing
4. More Than I Can Say
5. When I Need You

July 10, 2008

5 things my Wii Fit says to me.

1. You are overweight.
2. Great.
3. You have great posture
4. You are strong
5. Turn me on, stud - not really.

July 9, 2008

5 things I should do before the first day of winter.

1. Lose 15 pounds.
2. Write the children’s book I’m thinking about.
3. Pay off the credit card.
4. Regain ground in my retirement portfolio - stupid economy.
5. Finish the family cookbook I’m giving to siblings for Christmas.

July 8, 2008

5 thoughts thought during an evening without power.

1. Want beer, shouldn't open refrigerator. But want beer . . .
2. Those unattractive nightlights I've plugged in all over the place are actually necessary. (It's so dark, the dog can't walk up the stairs - can't see the stairs.)
3. Feel the need to roam around deserted shopping mall rather than sit in the dark.
4. Want to do push-ups but the Wii Fit won't turn on.
5. Magic wireless network refuses to beam life-sustainng Internet to this stupid laptop.

July 7, 2008

6 excellent ducks

1. Donald Duck (and associated duck relatives.)
2. Daffy Duck
3. Baby Huey
4. Yakky Doodle
5. Count Duckula (yeah, I was much too old to be watching Danger Mouse.)
6. Howard the Duck

July 6, 2008

5 excellent things about 3-day weekends.

1. You don't feel like your wasting your weekend if you spend most of day straightening up around the house.
2. An afternoon nap is an investment in long-term fun rather than a waste of time.
3. For a few moments, you forget you have a job.
4. You only tend to get a 3-day weekend when there's something fun going on.
5. 3 is 1 more than 2.

July 5, 2008

5 things from which our founding fathers should have declared independece.

1. email
2. cell phone/Blackberry
3. talk radio/cable news
4. unnecessary meetings
5. Lifetime Movie Network (isn't there a limit to how many beautiful women from once popular television programs can be sexually/emotionally/physically threatened by raffishly handsome men who played secondary characters in television cop shows.)

July 4, 2008

A 24-hour Fourth of July film festival.

1. John Adams (HBO miniseries) - 8 hr. 35 min.
2. Independence Day - 2 hr. 25 min.
3. 1776 - 2 hr. 21 min.
4. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - 2 hr. 10 min.
5. National Treasure - 2 hr. 11 min.
6. Johnny Tremain - 1 hr. 21. min.
7. Yankee Doodle Dandy - 1 hr. 25 min.
8. Saving Private Ryan - 2 hr. 50 min.
(Leaves 17 minutes for sparklers and apple pie.)

July 2, 2008

5 things that children can learn about success from Rush Limbaugh's $400 million payday.

1. Do whatever you can to get one group of people to hate another group of people.
2. Convince families of four who make $30,000 a year that they're middle-class.
3. Discover what scares people and tell them that that scary thing is going to end the world as they know it.
4. Insist that everything is scary.
5. Condemn those who have drug problems but never forget that OxyContin takes the edge off of a really tough day. Not so tough days too.

July 1, 2008

5 flat things

1. Flounder
2. Pancakes
3. Old soda
4. A-cups
5. The Earth in some opinions.

I've been told that I've been insulting to A-cups. My response is that cups are merely an indicator of size and not beauty, function, or desirability. Stand proud A-cups.

June 30, 2008

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where to live

1. Showgirls who wash their cars a lot.
2. People who view mowing their neighbors' lawns as good exercise.
3. Employers who believe in naps, massage therapy, and allowing you to bring your dog to work.
4. Donut store locations.
5. People who own their own inflatable bouncy houses.
6. People who will let me borrow their trucks when I have something big to move. (Includes only those who have a valid reason to own a truck and excludes trucks with testicles.)
7. British people. (Can be extended to other nationalities as long as the people have cute accents and say colorful things like "gobsmacked," "Bob's your uncle," "knackered."
8. Old people - old enough to be great neighbors but young enough that I might decide to move away before they die.
9. Cartoonists. #3 from the previous list would exclude the drunk guy who does "Mallard Fillmore," although I'm not sure he's a cartoonist. More of an angry mope with a Kolinsky brush and a syndicator.
10. IQ scores.

June 29, 2008

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where NOT to live

1. People who own cars or motorcycles with exhaust systems designed to make noise rather than to muffle the sound of their obnoxious engines.
2. Trucks with testicles.
3. People who spend an inordinate amount of their time writing letters-to-editors, listening to talk radio, or watching cable news channels.
4. Hippies - although they should be categorized into fun hippies and obnoxious hippies. It's hard not to like a fun hippie.
5. People who go through life feeling that everyone they encounter is determine to assault, rape, car-jack, defame, or pillage them.
6. Muffin-tops.
7. Anyone over the age of 25 who first thinks, "getting a tattoo/face piercing will make me attractive/cool/edgy.
8. People who demand to know what Brittany/Ashton/Lindsey/Paris/Nicole/JoliePitt/anyone on The Hills have done in the past 24 hours.
9. Women who wear specially purchased "outfits" particularly those that involve denim or themed sweaters.
10. People who equate morality with their personal/political beliefs.

June 28, 2008

6 PBS shows I watched as a kid.

1. Seseme Street
2. Mr. Rogers
3. The Electric Company
4. Big Blue Marble
5. 3-2-1 Contact
6. The French Chef

June 27, 2008

9 great Buster Keaton silent movies

1. One Week
2. Cops
3. Our Hospitality
4. Sherlock Jr.
5. The Navigator
6. The General
7. College
8. Steamboat Bill Jr.
9. The Cameraman

June 26, 2008

10 great Charlie Chaplin silent movies

1. The Bank
2. The Floorwalker
3. The Rink
4. The Cure
5. The Immigrant
6. Shoulder Arms
7. The Circus
8. The Gold Rush
9. City Lights
10. Modern Times

June 25, 2008

7 differences between Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.

1. Chaplin was British, Keaton was American.
2. Chaplin trained in Beer Halls (talking wasn't allowed on stage so he studied pantomime), Keaton did an vaudeville act with his parents.
3. In their early days, Chaplin worked with Stan Laurel, Keaton worked with Fatty Arbuckle.
4. Chaplin wore a bowler hat, Keaton wore a pork pie hat.
5. Chaplin retained ownership of his films and was rich, Keaton sold his film rights early on and struggled with money.
6. Chaplin directed Keaton (in Limelight), Keaton never directed Chaplin.
7. Chaplin married 3 teenaged girls (16, 17, 18), Keaton married 3 adults.

June 24, 2008

4 differences between muffins and cupcakes.

1. Muffins are a quick bread which require minimal mixing once liquid is added to the flour and cupcakes are cake which require creaming butter and sugar.
2. Muffins are bad for you at breakfast time, cupcakes are bad for you at other times.
3. There is no cupcake man.
4. Woman not likely to be called "mufffin" by a construction worker.

June 23, 2008

10 reasons that people hate "the green movement."

1. Crude oil tastes like honey to them.
2. Reusable grocery totes are specifically mentioned in The Communist Manifesto.
3. Can't read in bed with anything less than a 1000w bulb in their lamps.
4. Conservation is a sign that you aren't affluent. (If you can't afford to drive an H2 to pick up a gallon of milk, don't judge me.)
5. It snowed last winter so there's no such thing as global warming.
6. Conservation is sciencey and sciencey things are an affront to Jesus.
7. Main-stream liberal media. (No real reason here, just citing MSLM allows any fool to believe whatever they wish regardless of fact and can be used as unassailable proof in any argument.)
8. It's just a fad and anyone buying into it is naive.
9. Have you seen the size of a soccer ball? How can you expect to transport a soccer ball AND an 8 year-old in anything smaller than an Escalade?
10. We need lower taxes and smaller government. (I'm not sure what these have to do with being green but those who hate conservation seem to talk about these ideas a lot.)

June 22, 2008

5 types of fairy tale villains.

1. Wicked witches
2. Bitter step-mothers
3. Carnivorous animals.
4. Landlords
5. Women of all sorts

June 21, 2008

4 things that can be added to a good cup of coffee, if you insist.

1. Rum
2. Milk and sugar
3. Hot cocoa
4. Cake donut (dunked of course.)

For goodness sake, stop killing good coffee with crappy flavors. If you don't like the taste of coffee, don't drink it.

June 19, 2008

5 things that white, puffy clouds look like.

1. Bunny rabbits
2. Cotton candy
3. Smiling faces
4. The smoke from a horrible explosion
5. The fists of a vengeful god beating upon the Earth in retribution for our actions.

June 18, 2008

10 Top Ten Movies List Overlooked By AFI

1. Musicals
2. Adventures
3. Action
4. Horror/suspense
5. Comedies
6. Period Drama
7. Biography
8. Heist
9. Holiday
10. Guilty Pleasures

June 17, 2008

AFI's Ten Top Tens - Good Eleventh Movies

1. Animation - Kiki's Delivery Service (or South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut if it has to be a Hollywood movie.)
2. Fantasy - Sherlock Jr. (If you've never seen it, stop everything and watch it now. Go!)
3. Sci-Fi - Planet of the Apes
4. Sports - The Natural
5. Western - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
6. Gangster - Angels With Dirty Faces (Yeah, it's got the Dead-End Kids, soon to be known as the Bowery Boys, but the last ten minutes are brilliant for two of the Irish Mafia - James Cagney and, in his greatest screen moment, Pat O'Brien.)
7. Mystery - The Thin Man (How can you list top ten mysteries with it?)
8. Romantic Comedy - The Apartment
9. Courtroom Drama - Fury
10. Epics - eh, who needs epics.

June 16, 2008

3 Food Network stars who ought to fade away.

1. Rachael Ray - of course you can cook pasta or make a sandwich in 30 minutes.
2. Sandra Lee - to make a cake, buy a cake mix and a can of frosting and serve enough vodka so that no one notices.
3. Paula Deen - hey y'all, I'm abnoxious and overly staged. Har har har har.

June 15, 2008

6 Food Networks stars whose food opinion I trust

1. Giada DeLaurentis
2. Bobby Flay
3. Jamie Oliver
4. Alton Brown
5. Emeril Lagasse
6. Mario Batali

June 14, 2008

3 reasons to keep your mouth shut tight.

1. Frog in my throat.
2. Cat got your tongue.
3. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

June 13, 2008

4 magazines I read as a kid.

1. Highlights (hardcover editions)
2. Dynamite
3. Cracked
4. Mad

June 12, 2008

4 things Hulk says while making mashed potatoes.

1. Puny Banner, peel.
2. HULK IS STRONGEST ONE THERE IS! (while opening sour cream)
3. Don't make Hulk angry. You wouldn't like Hulk when angry. (said to a pot boiling over.)

June 11, 2008

5 sing-song words

1. dilly dally
2. heebie jeebie
3. hoighty toighty
4. hoi poloi
5. jeepers creepers

June 10, 2008

10 names for a deuce

1. dookie (doo doo, doodie, etc.)
2. poop (poo, poo poo, poopie, etc)
3. turd
4. steamer
5. man pie
6. brown bomber
7. BM
8. turtle head
9. baby skunk
10. stool

June 9, 2008

5 things that taste like chicken.

1. Alligator - but only fishy chickens
2. Frog's legs - but with a lot more vascular tissue
3. Turkey.
4. Rabbit - if chickens were tough and chewy
5. Crow - according to Michael Penn

June 8, 2008

6 reasons the dealer installed XM radio in my Prius seems to loose the signal.

1. Turning the car on.
2. Changing directions.
3. Stopping. Or going.
4. Driving on a sunny day.
5. Driving in the rain.
6. Singing along to a song - this seems to taunt the satellite causing it to turn it's back on you.

I finally discovered the actual reason I lose a signal. It works as long as I don't drive east. Finally convinced the dealer to mount the antenna on the roof and it works great now.

June 7, 2008

11 great Dorothy Fields lyrics

1. I Can't Give You Anything But Love
2. Big Spender
3. On The Sunny Side Of The Street
4. A Fine Romance
5. I Won't Dance
6. If My Friends Could See Me Now
7. Pick Yourself Up
8. I'm In The Mood For Love
9. Never Gonna Dance
10. On The Erie Canal
11. The Way You Look Tonight

June 6, 2008

5 reasons I go to work.

1. Like sleeping in a bed at night.
2. Not much good on TV.
3. Accustomed to eating.
4. Money for toys.
5. Someone has to change the world

June 5, 2008

June 4, 2008

5 characteristics of a greyhound.

1. Eyes are slightly beady, slighty buggy - beaduggy.
2. Head is small so that it can just contain a relatively tiny brain without it bouncing around in the skull.
3. Mouth tends to stretch into an anthropomophic smile.
4. Ears - useless except to indicated the point behind which one should scratch.
5. Long legs take up too much room on the bed.

June 3, 2008

5 reasons Hillary didn't endorse Barack on the night he secured the nomination.

1. She's leased headquarters in 50 states and has to do walk-throughs with 50 landlords so she doesn't lose her security deposit.
2. Bill is still determining who is or isn't a scumbag.
3. Terry McLauliffe still insisting that she could beat George Washington in a good old-fashioned 18th century brouhaha.
4. Those pints of Hagan-Daaz aren't going to eat themselves.
5. Discontinuing a campaign prevents her from begging for donations. (Go to hillaryclinton.com if you want to give her cash.)

June 2, 2008

7 things I'd eat if I didn't take cholestrol medication

1. Cheese, cheese, cheeeese
2. Dark Chocolate in many forms
3. Cream horns
4. Buttered toast with cinnamon sugar
5. Daily donuts
6. Fried whatever
7. Ice cream

June 1, 2008

Ministry of Nicknames Statistic: 5 most common denials of N-1350 Request to Self-Assign Nickname

1. Party Animal
2. Diva
3. Bikini Inspector
4. Miss Thang
5. Miscellaneous celebrity press creations - J-Lo, Li-Lo, P-Diddy, Wacko Jacko, Billy Bush, etc.

May 29, 2008

5 reasons I won't be skipping work tomorrow to see Sex and the City.

1. Actresses are hard enough to look at on small television screen.
2. You wouldn't be able to see the screen for all of the big, gaudy hats.
3. Prefer my gratuitous nudity to involve women who are hot but not women who are having a hot flash.
4. I can't find a pair of mules in size 9 1/2 E.
5. Not female, not gay.

May 28, 2008

10 great pies

1. Apple
2. Cherry
3. Strawberry Rhubarb
4. Pecan
5. Lemon Meringue
6. Chess
7. Shepherds
8. Pumpkin
9. Chicken Pot
10. Boston Cream

May 27, 2008

100th Collector's Edition: A list of great lists.

1. The Ten Commandments
2. Schindler's List
3. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll.
4. David Lettermans Top Ten Lists
5. Franz Liszt
6. Fascinating Urinals
7. Earl Hickey's karma list
8. Kasey Kassem's America's Top 40 (yep, it only used to be a great list.)
9. George Carlin's words you can't say on televsion
10. My Daily List (of course.)