Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

June 30, 2009

10 popular movies remade by the Muppets

1. 12 Angry Frogs
2. Driving Miss Piggy
3. Bert and Ernie's Excellent Adventure
4. Dr. Honeydew or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
5. The Snuffleupagus Man - the tragic story of an imaginary friend with a disfiguring disease
6. Finding Elmo
7. No Country for Old Men - Statler and Waldorf on the run from a ruthless killer
8. Nightmare on Sesame Street - Cookie Monster exacts revenge on those who burned his cookies
9. Fozzy and the Bandit
10. Animal House - AN-I-MAL!!!!!

Thanks to Barb

June 29, 2009

Careers my cats might take on to bring some more money into the house.

1.  Document shredding
2.  Groomer
3.  With their propensity for large litters, reality show star on TLC
4.  Tuna boat captain
5.  Professional vomit artist (creating mixed media masterpieces with hair and half-digested kibble)
6.  Waiter in a French restaurant (they're sort of stuck-up)

June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson songs or statements that might suggest body dysmorphic disorder.

1.  Man in the Mirror
2.  Black or White
3.  Don't Stop 'Til  You Get Enough
4.  Leave Me Alone
5.  Another Part of Me

June 25, 2009

How to brush your cat's teeth

Step one: Get cat
Step two: Purchase feline toothbrush and dentifrice.
Step three: Hold cat's head firmly and use toothbrush to gently coax mouth open.
Step four: Clean and bandage wounds.
Step five: Wrap cat in a large towel so that only it's head is expose.
Step six: Hold cat's head firmly and use toothbrush to gently coax mouth open.
Step seven: Clean and bandage wounds.
Step eight: Gently hit cat in head with a hammer.
Step nine: Clean and bandage wounds.
Step ten: Ignore ridiculous suggestion that you should brush your cat's teeth.

June 24, 2009

6 words that are problematic for rednecks and other simple folk.

1.  Interred (Don't worry, Gramma is buried in dirt, not poop.)
2.  Liberally (Go ahead and apply your genital wart cream liberally.  It doesn't make you a Socialist.)
3.  Rubbery (It's not one of them fancy spas where they massage you.)
4.  Levitate  (Nope, not a book of the Old Testament.)
5.  Intern (Has nothing to do with a NASCAR track.)
6.  Condiment (They're good on a hot dog but they don't keep her from being barefoot and pregnant.)

June 23, 2009

Beer + Spending time with the in-laws.

0 beers: Just sit quietly and give her the is-it-time-to-go look.
2 beers: Sweet, sweet indifference.
4 beers: Yes, he tells you this joke every time you see him. Just smile. Smile . . .
6 beers: You know, it doesn't really matter who does or doesn't like Bill Clinton but I'm pretty sure Clinton didn't ask Barbara Streisand to help him pick Supreme Court nominees.
8 beers: "$%*@&!#$&!!" Did I say that out loud?
10 beers: "There's shum-thing I've alwaysh wanted to shay to you . . . "
12 beers: Just sit quietly and give her the sorry look (and be thankful no one will ask you back for at least 6 months.)

June 22, 2009

Hey! My 6/22 list didn't post - stupid blogger. Here is my best memory of what I wrote.

Mediocre music movies from the 1970s that are worth looking up

1. Phantom of the Paradise
2. Bugsy Malone
3. The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh
4. Sgt. Pepper's Lonley Hearts Club Band
5. Roller Boogie
6. Rock and Roll High School
7. FM
8. Car Wash
9. Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

The first two movies, early works by Brian DePalma and Alan Parker, might be weird, but they are Oscar-nominated weirdness thanks to the great Paul Williams who also stars in the first movie.

June 21, 2009

5 Father's Day gifts for Jon Gosselin

1.  Duct Tape
2.  Bose Acoustic Noise Canceling Headphones
3.  8 macaroni pictures depicting a cow repeatedly kicking a bull in the testicles
4.  A bottle of chloroform, a basement hidey-hole, a load of bricks, and mortar
5.  A place in the Witness Protection Program (oh, what he has witnessed.)

June 20, 2009

10 more Barry Manilow facts

1 - 10 available here.

11. Olympic figure skating costumes are sad because they could have been born as a blazer for Manilow's Vegas show.
12. Every time Ryan Seacrest says "American Idol" he owes Manilow $20.
13. In the late 1970s, the Einstein Foundation briefly changed the Theory of Relativity to Excitement = Manilow X Copacabana squared.
14. If Manilow went back in time to Berlin, 1940, even Hitler would love him.
15. Manilow cannot grow facial hair since his follicles refuse to cover his beauty.
16. When Manilow sunbathes in the nude, the sun blocks its own UVB rays.
17. Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds in actually Manilow's sweat.
18. It was once thought that Manilow could not fart, but he did once. The resulting sound sold one million copies.
19. Manilow is not allowed in Burger King because his way is either gold or platinum.
20. During the height of our finanical crisis, Barack Obama briefly considered converting the US to a Manilow-based currency. While this would have resulted in an immediate rebound, our currency would have been so valuable that every other economy would have crashed.

June 19, 2009

5 nicknames for Robert Pattinson

1.  Cokehead
2.  Mr. Mussy Hair
3.  The Male Jessica Alba
4.  2015's Mickey Roarke
5.  Who?

June 18, 2009

12 musical acts on the Department of Homeland Security's No Fly list*

1. Foreigner
2. Anthrax
3. Afghan Whigs
4. Megadeth
5. Rage Against the Machine
6. Public Enemy
7. N.W.A.
8. 10,000 Maniacs
9. Foo Fighters
10. Velvet Revolver
11. Urge Overkill
12. Cat Stevens (oh, wait, I think they took him off the list.)
Thanks to Dave, Marty, Brian, Steve, Louie, and Mark

* If you are a Internet moron looking to confirm your personal delusions, please cite this list as proof of your position.

June 17, 2009

Oh please, please, please. Let one of these things happen on the final episode of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

1. Heidi and Spencer will be held to the standards of the real world rather than MTV's The Real World. In the real world, worthless show-offs are shunned and pelted with rotten vegetables. In The Real World being a worthless show-off is every audience member's greatest dream.
2. Patti Blagojevich will go on a curse-filled tirade and decide to make the camp her permanent home because living in the Costa Rican jungle is preferable to life with Rod.
3. Janice Dickinson's lips continue absorbing her brain until she is not just an idiot, but an idiot who is no longer capable of sharing her idiocy with the rest of us.
4. Congress will pass legistlation that compels Stephen Baldwin to keep his shirt on whenever a camera is capable of capturing an image that will curdle our collective stomachs.
5. Lou Diamond Phillip's agent and manager will be flown into the jungle camp and stoned for convincing him to do something that is beneath him. (I'm not saying he's a megastar but he is talented enough to have options.)
6. Pfizer will create a drug that allows idiots to fully perceive reality.

June 16, 2009

8 clowns on the American Council of Circuses do-not-hire list

1.  The Aristocrats
2.  Durex, Master of Balloon Animals
3.  Kinko the Kid-Loving Clown
4.  Suckles, The Man-Sized Baby
5.  Farmer Brown and his Amazing Ass - he works with a really tiny mule.
6.  Husani and his Happy Fun-time Exploding Vest
7.  Two Clowns, One Cup
8.  Lil' Cheney, the Paranoid Dwarf

Thanks to Bill, Mark, Marty and Mrs. Mydailylist

June 15, 2009

June 20-28 is Worldwide Vegan Bake Sale. Here are 10 things you can expect to find at your local vegan bake sale.

1.  Cookies that taste like library paste and flax seed.
2.  The pungent aroma of patchouli and unwashed dreadlocks.
3.  Dessert loaves made with all sorts of old vegetables.
4.  Warm carob chip cookies and ice cold rice milk.
5.  Cupcakes that are both tough and spongy.
6.  Self-righteous indignation repackaged as a trendy socially aware lifestyle.
7.  Frosting made from earth-friendly vegan shortening (which officially doesn't count as a partially hydrogenated oil since it's not that common bourgeois shortening you can get at Walmart.)
8.  8-grain sherbet.
9.  Tired people impatiently waiting for everyone to leave so that they can jam.
10.  Secret burger-eaters.

June 14, 2009

Local rednecks, you're always saying git 'er done (it's so funny too.) Here are 5 things that you might get done.

1. Your GED.
2. Your roots.
3. The restoration of that "classic" Camaro sitting in your front yard.
4. Your teeth.
5. Your haircut (so far you've only cut the top.)

June 13, 2009

ATTENTION LOCAL REDNECKS! I have questions for you.

1.  I might understand how you can't sit through a stop-light without spitting out the window, but how do you generate SO much spit? 
2.  Abraham Lincoln's corpse lives here.  What's with the giant Confederate flag on your pickup?
3.  I realize that you can't see your own elbows - do you know that they need a good cleaning?
4.  I know it's a fashion statement but did anyone mention that your shirt is considered underwear?
5.  Summer is a great time for outdoor festivals and community concerts.  Do you have to bring your pitbull to all of them?*
6.  Why do you ride a Schwinn Stingray? Do they even make those bikes anymore?
7.  When you get dressed up, do you buy a new ball cap or do you just have a formal ball cap you hold aside for special occasions?
8.  Why do you wear your sunglasses on the back of your head?
9.  You do realize that Camel is a brand of cigarettes and not a designer fashion label?

* Yes, yes, pitbull weirdos, it's the owner not the breed.  Although you rarely see thuggish morons  walking a poodle named Killbot so don't blame the rest of the world if we connect the breed to the morons who seem attracted to them.

June 12, 2009

9 reasons you should avoid the hobo sno-cone stand.

1. They get the ice from out behind the fish market.
Creative flavor combinations including Mulligan Stew, Ripple, and Beenie Weenie sound good on paper but they are a bit underwhelming in practice.
The yellow syrup is supposed to be banana but it just sort of tastes salty.
4. If you order a Fuzzy Navel sno-cone, they garnish it with belly button lint.
Kids love the Tiger’s Blood flavor but there aren’t any tigers around these parts so they use raccoon blood instead.
“Hold the beard hair” is considered a special order and costs extra.
Ordering is sort of a gamble since once they take your money, you never know when the boxcar is going to carry off the sno-cone stand.
A Rainbow sno-cone is just various shades of brown.
9. The tip jar is an ashtray and the tips are cigarette butts.

June 11, 2009

WRITER'S BLOCK! Here are some list ideas and an example of what might have been.

1. Words that describe both your love life and your bathroom visits.
You can get dumped or take a dump.
2. A Preston Sturges film festival.
The Palm Beach Story
3. How to tell if Match.com has hooked you up with a Sasquatch.
Her dislikes include photographers and bigfoot hunters.
4. Sure fire ways to insure that no one reads your blog.
Spend hours and hours coming up with something clever to say.
5. The Barack Obama drinking game.
Every time he nationalizes health care, take a drink

June 10, 2009

5 words that you didn't realize were actually acronyms

1.  Trump Urban Renewal & Development - T.U.R.D.
2.  Cheney Young Bioform Option & Reanimation Gear -  C.Y.B.O.R.G.
3.  Former American Idol League of UnRealized Expectations - F.A.I.L.U.R.E.
4.  Confederation Of No Good Retards Each State Sends - C.O.N.G.R.E.S.S.
5.  Barely Literate Online Goons Seeking Prominence Or Treasure - B.L.O.G.S.P.O.T..

June 9, 2009

I am sick of crazy cat ladies trying to guilt me into adopting a stray. Here are 10 ways our world can deal with cat overpopulation.

1. Austria - Katze Schnitzel (fried boneless cat with lemon)
2. Germany - Sauerkatzen (stewed cat with vinegar, brown sugar, gingersnaps,and raisins)
3. United States - Big Meow (two all-cat patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun)
4. Mexico - Gatodillas (the flatten quesadilla format means that cats which were run-over by cars don't go to waste.)
5. Italy - Veal PiCATTa (a fusion of veal and cat with a savory caper sauce)
6. United Kingdom - Welsh Rarecat (toasted cat with cheese sauce)
7. Japan - YaCATitori - (grilled skewers of cat served with a sweet dipping sauce)
8. India - Kitten Tikka Masala (tandorri-cooked, tomato-based curry)
9. Isreal - Gefilte Cat (balls of chopped cat, vegetables, and matzah meal boiled in broth and served with horseradish)
10. South Africa (I'm hoping my South African friends will help here so read the comments.)

June 8, 2009

7 personal delusions

1.  Pie counts as a daily fruit/vegetable serving.
2.  Hard work is rewarded.
3.  Repeated washing causes my pants to shrink - it's the pants I tell you, not me.
4.  Beer is a medical supply and should be covered by whatever health care reform we have in the works.
5.  Dick Cheney is a cyborg.  (I keep saying this but I don't hear it repeated on the Internet nearly enough.  Remember, refer to him as a Cheneybot-2000 Mark III model cyborg so that I'll know you're spreading my delusion.)
6.  Hats are for men, caps are for boys.
7.  A man's worth can be determined by the quality of the biscuits and gravy he cooks.

June 7, 2009

26 single entendres from Smilin' Bob of the Enzyte commercial

1. Bob continues to enjoy the big lift he gets from Enzyte
2. An offer this big . . .
3. (Visual) pushing a wheelbarrow with a 8 foot log
4. (Visual) a lady elf holding the North Pole.
5. Rumors going around about this chubby Santa
6. Santa needed some more room in his sled
7. A sleigh full of confidence and a sack full of pride
8. Ladies like the gift that keeps on giving
9. Yes, with things heating up on the old North Pole
10. (Visual) Japanese businessmen noticing LARGE shoes at the door.
11. Japanese businessmen negotiating business with Bob, “He is wood that will not bend.”
12. Continued negotiation, “He will not bend.”
13. Continued negotiation, “You are a stiff negotiator.”
14. (Visual) Bob accepts their offer by holding his arm out to toast with sake.
15. While skiing, Bob needs a lift.
16. By the pool, “Bob is livin’ large.”
17. In a few weeks, “he has a big spring of confidence.”
18. Also, “a generous swelling of pride.”
19. After a few weeks he has, “a uplifting measure of pride.”
20. (Visual) Bowling shoe guy sticking his finger in a bowling ball hole.
21. (Visual) Bob’s bowling shoes are enormous.
22. While playing poker, Bob has been dealt more than a full house of confidence.
23. When the stakes are this high, there’s some things you can’t bluff.
24. At the hardware store, Bob is learning a little about working with wood.
25. Rules: #1 the quality of wood is important, #2 there is a proper tool for every project, #3 working with wood can be both fun and rewarding.
26. The wonders of wood are brought to you by Enzyte

This idea came from MTEfun

June 6, 2009

6 snippets of conversation from our summer family picnic.

1. There was a constant supply of bitches . . .
2. Socks are for Cheetos finger cheese residue . . .
3. Oh no, he peed on your truck . . .
4. Hey, Kate, I need a naked lady in here . . .
5. He pooped in the car on the way down . . .
6. They were putting an IV in and blood starteded squirting everywhere. At that point I was asked to leave the room . . .

June 5, 2009

5 sounds I'd prefer my body not make.

1. My right shoulder snaps like a large stick has been broken.
2. My knees sound like broken glass and sand when I squat.
3. My nose snores loud enough to wake me.
4. My guts gurgle from too many bean-based dinners (nope, not a vegan just like my beans.)
5. My mouth insists on saying stupid things.

June 4, 2009

ATTENTION: Superman nerds of the Internet, I have questions.

1. Does Clark Kent have a belly button?
2. If Superman were real, would he file a restraining order against Nicholas Cage?
3. Who would win a fight? Superman or the Cheneybot-2000 Mark III model cyborg?
4. Reverse the orbit of Earth? Would that send us back in time or cause catastrophic seismic, volcanic, and tidal activity?
5. If Clark Kent were a douchebag and wanted to get the Superman logo tattooed on his arm, would the tattoo needles pierce his skin?
6. He's always wearing the blue and red spandex. What do you think - skidmarks?
7. Which is most embarassing: Krypto the Superdog, Beppo the Supermonkey, Streaky the Supercat, or Comet the Superhorse?
8. One of Superman's greatest weaknesses is magic. Does this mean he dislikes Criss Angel as much as the rest of us?
9. If Clark Kent uses sun block, would he lose his powers?
10. Gene Hackman or Kevin Spacey? (Pick the correct answer, you're a proper nerd, pick the other, you're an idiot.)

June 3, 2009

10 observations upon watching Stop Making Sense for only the second time (after 25 years have passed since my first viewing)

1. Still cool.
2. Boy, we sure did have cheek bones in the 80s.
3. Legend has is it that Adrian Belew lived above the Esquire Theater in Springfield, Illinois.
4. Speaking of Adrian Belew, enjoy.
5. Judy's in the bedroom, inventing situations.
6. Jonathan Demme isn't just good at winning Best Director Oscars, he knows how to present concerts on film
7. Movie connection: Risky Business - The Swamp
8. Flippy Floppy is something you make.
9. I don't care how much Maria Carey tries to destroy them, the Tom Tom Club is a cool band.
10. You got a face with a view.

June 2, 2009

10 songs Clark Kent should avoid if he gets on American Idol (the whole secret identity thing ya know.)

1. Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler
2. Jimmy Olsen Blues by The Spin Doctors
3. Kryptonite by Three Doors Down
4. Sunshine Superman by Donovan
5. Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five For Fighting
6. Resignation Superman by Big Head Todd and The Monsters
7. Superman by Lazlo Bane (if don't know his name you know the song.)
8. (Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman by The Kinks
9. Superman's Dead by Our Lady Peace
10. Silvergun Superman by Stone Temple Pilots

June 1, 2009

10 pairings I obeserved or experienced at the Super Walmart.

1. Short-shorts and cellulite
2. Chewing gum and toothlessness
3. Sushi and lite beer
4. Old lady buying a six-pack or Ensure and a single banana and paying with a check
5. Hair spray and bangs
6. Tramp stamps and stretchmarks
7. Lonely women and 50 lb bags of cat food
8. Black SUVs and near-death experiences in the parking lot
9. Disposable diapers and cheap wine
10. Fried chicken and diet soda