Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

February 28, 2009

10 things that old people think Twitter is.

1. The neurological disorder that Katherine Hepburn had.
2. Some porn site that the young people like.
3. A horseman of the Apocalypse.
4. An Obama plot to turn us into socialist Muslims.
5. Sarah Palin's grandson's name.
6. Some fad like poodle skirts or birth control.
7. Something used by people who think they're better than me.
8. Don't know, don't care, you're all stupid.
9. Get out of my yard! (It's off topic but 1 in 10 will say this when you ask about Twitter.)
10. It's like news reels. When we went to pictures they showed news reel, a cartoon, and a feature. All for a nickel. Back then we wore onions on our belts 'cause that was the style. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, Twiffle. I remember when Al Joslon sang the Twiffle song . . . .

February 27, 2009

5 songs inpsired by hobo wines

1. Mad Dog 20/20 by Teenage Fan Club
2. Night Train by Boots Randolph
3. Thunderbird by ZZ Top
4. My Wild Irish Rose by Benny Goodman Orchestra
5. Cisco Kid by War

February 25, 2009

7 list ideas which might include the entry "silver dollar pancake."

1. If I have to fall into a pile of something it might as well be a pile of this.
2. Currencies worth less than the U.S. dollar
3. Foods that may confuse you if you have trouble with depth perception - are they really far away or just small?
4. What to look forward to if you're stuck in country that celebrates Shrove Tuesday rather than Mardi Gras.
5. What might get stuck on the bottom of your shoe at an IHOP.
6. Things that taste good with both fish eggs and maple syrup, although not necessarily at the same time.
7. Things you might shove under a table leg if you aren't all that interested in balancing the table.

February 24, 2009

5 reasons I'm not watching tonight's Presidential address.

1. I couldn't lie on the couch and stand up to applaud every 60 seconds.
2. Can't take time away from collecting aluminum cans for my retirement account.
3. It only takes a few moments for me to get lost in Barack's eyes and then there's no telling what I'll support. Nationalize banking? Whatever you say Barry.
4. That Geitner guy - he has drag queen eyebrows (I swear someone said these exact words to me just now.)
5. The President's Keynesian policies force me to accept that I can't tell my Keynes from a hole in the ground - I don't even know what that sentence means I'm so clueless.

February 23, 2009

10 things that would help me get out of my winter funk.

1. Reading in a hammock
2. Falling asleep in a hammock
3. Eat something off a stick bought from a trailer.
4. Listen to music played outdoors
5. Eat a sno-cone
6. Forget that I own a coat
7. Leave work and get in a 120 degree car (no better way to relax after a hard day.)
8. Hot dogs and beer at the ballpark (anything but a major league park.)
9. Take a walk without long underwear
10. Invite people over for a cookout

February 22, 2009

Why are these people on the Academy Awards?

1. Mylie Cyrus
2. Sarah Jessica Parker (They put peanut butter on her teeth to make it look like she's talking.)
3. Vanessa Hudgins (Is it too much to ask that our national culture be defined by people who have least attended high school rather than those who just pretended to attend high school in order to sell basic cable commercial time?)
4. Seth Rogen (clearly you can turn an Oscar into a bong - HEY, I wrote this when I saw him on the red carpet and he just stole my joke!)
5. Goldie Hawn's boobs (you're 64 years old and we've seen them a LOT so please buy a shirt and wear it from time to time.)
6. Jennifer Aniston (Her career highlight this year was turning 40 and still having a body that can be made viewable with Photoshop. Way to go least talented girlfriend of Brad Pitt.)
7. Jessica Biel (will your publicist ever allow us to be rid of you?)
8. Beyonce (do we have to drive a stake through her heart to keep her off he Oscars? After this musical tribute to the rebirth of the movie musical, the movie musical has decided to kill itself.)
9. Baz Luhrmann, the leopard slug of Australian cinema (quick get the salt.)
10. Bill Maher (too ugly for Hollywood and high def.)
11. Zach Efron and Alicia Keyes (Are there any movie stars willing to participate this year? Did the producers just empty out a night club?)
12. Queen Latifa (1. If you're not a rapper anymore stop using your rapper nom de plume. 2. You don't sing a love song in memorium.)

February 21, 2009

8 food products whose name might be used to describe a toilet experience

1. Stew
2. Tootsie Roll
3. Cafe Steamers
4. Lincoln Logs (a local confection:pretzel rod dipped in caramel then chocolate.)
5. Pu pu platter
6. Squirt
7. Raisinets
8. TURDucken

February 20, 2009

10 movie surcharges (and why I'm not currently watching Coraline in 3D)

The little lady and I had planned to see Coraline in 3D tonight since the non-3D prints move to the so-last-week screens this Monday. Then, we discovered that it cost an extra $2.50 to buy a 3D movie ticket. WHAT? Sure, I light piles of $20 bills with $2 bills but I'm not going to pay a premium to watch a digital movie delivered on a hard drive AKA what I'll see on DVD in 8 weeks. Take this Hollywood jerks.

1. $3 - we'll make sure your car is safe
2. $2 - you can sit down
3. $3.50 - we won't prelick your drink straws
4. $5 - we won't give you the "buttered" popcorn
5. $4 - go ahead, talk to the screen, we don't care
6. $2.56 - here's a flashlight, shine it someone's eyes and exert your authority
7. $3 - you get to leave your cell phone on but you have to answer on the first ring: $0.50 extra per unanswered ring.
8. $10 - pants optional viewing (not available for NC-17 movies)
9. $8 - we'll personally notify your friends with graduate degrees when you see a foreign film. For $10 well tell them that you laughed at all of the culturally relevant moments.
10. $1 - we'll provide a ticket stub for the trendiest indie film whenever you pay to see a movie starring someone appearing on a Disney Channel program - you pervert.

February 19, 2009

5 reasons men are not pigs, despite what you hear

1. Men like to eat bacon, which would be weird if they were pigs.
2. Male pigs are called boars, and men are quite interesting, particularly when you add alcohol.
3. Pigs looking really good in top hats but men always look awkward when you try to dress them up.
4. Men like to toss around the ol' pigskin and clearly a pig would have a problem with that.
5. Pigs do not have sweat glands and men sweat like pigs.

February 18, 2009

All right, I like a good chick flick. Here are the best of the past 20 years.

1. Four Weddings and a Funeral
2. About A Boy
3. Bridget Jones' Diary
4. Love Actually (this one's got boobs)
5. Music and Lyrics
6. When Harry Met Sally
7. Definitely, Maybe

Do I have an unspoken and unspeakable man-crush on Hugh Grant? I think it has less to do with a deeply hidden attraction to sunken-chested Brits than it does with the fact that Grant might actually read scripts before cashing the checks. That may be unfair to McConaughey since it's unclear if he can read.

If you care to comment, it would be less interesting to know which good ones you think I missed (since I haven't miss any) than to know which supposedly great movies are actually nauseating wastes of time - yeah, I'm talking to you Pretty Woman!

February 17, 2009

As long as you're stuck watching a chick flick, here are 5 ways to make them more watchable.

1. Add super-intelligent apes who have set their simian sights on global geopolitical domination.
2. Barack Obama. He can fix anything.
3. Male lead's debilitating disease is miraculously cured before the first plot point so that the rest of the movie can focus on Wolverine fighting robots.
4. Boobs
5. Matthew McConaughey role played by Alien. Kate Hudson role played by Predator.

February 16, 2009

5 indications that you might be living a chick flick

1. You're living your dream life in the big city but secretly longing for 10 years to pass so that you can return home for your high school reunion and be convinced by an old girlfriend that your dream life actually involves wrinkle-free khakis and chocolate labs.
2. You and your roomie sing catchy old songs that people have mostly forgotten using hairbrushes as pretend microphones.
3. You need to be in a city that's four hours away but, try as you might, the drive takes three days and you arrive with one of your car doors and the front bumper having fallen off along the way.
4. No matter how many times you call the police, Matthew McConaughey won't put his shirt on.
5. Even though it would make everything much more interesting, there is 0% chance that you'll see any boobs.

February 15, 2009

LIST #366! What to expect in the next year of My Daily List

1. More hobo references
2. All the bad, punctuation you-ve come to love
3. Drunken posts - they allow my inner charm to shine
4. A personal promise that all posts will be written while wearing pants, specifically my own pants.
5. Guest lists. If you send me a good list I may well take the day off and let you be the star.

February 14, 2009

My Valentine's mixed cutz tape that drives all the ladies wild.

1. Jealous Again - The Black Crowes
2. Loser - Beck
3. Jealous Guy - John Lennon
4. Losesome Loser - Little River Band
5. Jealousy Rides With Me - Death Cab for Cutie
6. I'm A Loser - The Beatles
7. I Still Get Jealous - Louis Armstrong
8. Loser in the End - Queen
9. Jet Black and Jealous - Eli Young Band
10. Loser Like Me - Sixpence None The Richer
11. Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
12. Loser of the Year - LoveSick Radio
13. Jealousy - Liz Phair

February 13, 2009

WTF OBAMA LEFT TOWN!!! How my world has changed since Air Force One lifted off.

1. Hope-ier has devolved into hopeyish. Funny how there's a 'y' in hopeyish and not hope-ier.
2. The twittering of local bluebirds echoes with sadness
3. It is clear to me now that our glittering streets are just ordinary streets. Turns out the glitter was nothing more than the sun reflecting off pools of hobo urine.
4. I had hoped to ask him for a heart or brain or courage but I didn't get anywhere near him. All I got was road blocks and shattered dreams.
5. My stimulated package is now experiencing double-digit deflation.

February 12, 2009

OMG OBAMA'S IN TOWN!! How my world has changed since Air Force One touched down.

1. The grass is greener on my side of the fence.
2. My future is hope-ier even without my regular tequila "enhancement"
3. I've received a billion dollars to put unemployed lesbian ecologists to work weatherstripping Planned Parenthood offices.
4. Household unemployment rate at a staggering 60%. Stupid lay-about pets ruining our economic indicators.
5. My package is stimulated.

February 11, 2009

The best and worst guest stars on Scrubs

1. Thomas Cavanaugh
2. Brendan Fraser
3. Michael Learned
4. Dave Foley
5. Glynn Thurman (He was in this season's "My Last Words" and should win this year's Emmy for guest actor in a comedy series.

1. Keri Russell
2. Courtney Cox
3. Tara Reid
4. Rick Schroeder
5. Michael J. Fox

February 10, 2009

10 things you can flip

1. your lid
2. flapjacks
3. the bird
4. cell phone
5. a coin
6. judo partner
7. record albums
8. TV channels
9. houses (jackasses only)
10. cars (if you're in a Hal Needham movie)

February 9, 2009

If I were a cannibal, 10 celebrities I'd add to my diet and what sort of meat they'd provide

1. Steve Buscemi - stew meat
2. John Kerry - jerky
3. Andy Rooney - gristle
4. Jack Black - hotdog
5. Lindsey Lohan - Chinese food, drunken chicken
6. Nicholas Cage - ham
7. Courtney Love - canned tuna
8. Rush Limbaugh - pork butt
9. Joan Rivers - Spam
10. Kiera Knightly - ribs

February 8, 2009

What the media expects me to care about today

1.  Jessica Simpson is fat.  A) she ain't fat and B) even "skinny" she's not interesting enough to warrant so much attention.
2.  Who will be on Dancing With The Stars.  If I was interested in which annoying person was the best dancer, I could go to any dance club on a Saturday night.
3.  Rush Limbaugh speaks for the Republican party.  The unifying trait of Limbaugh listeners is stupidity not conservatism.
4.  Christian Bale is mean to crew members.  I say, "Way to go, Batman!"  My work life is complicated by simpletons on a daily basis and their incompetence just makes more work for me.  If I knew I'd only have to work with them until the end of a single project, I'd cuss them all out.
5.  Politicians are tax cheats.  Well, yeah, duh!  My question is if we could collect the names of every letter-to-the-editor writer, pundit, talking head, pseudo-plumber who has complained about this, how many would pass a tax audit?  Unless you can document that you don't have tax problems of your own, shut up.

February 7, 2009

10 properly snarky thoughts

1. Education is the state-controlled manufactory of echoes. (Norman Douglas)
2. Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. (Oscar Wilde)
3. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid (Hedy Lamarr)
4. She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. (Groucho Marx)
5. A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. (James Reston)
6. There are times when you have to choose between being human and having good taste. (Bertolt Brecht)
7. The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them. (Karl Kraus)
8. An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make a better soup. (H.L. Menken)
9. Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other. (W. Somerset Maugham)
10. What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning, with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine. (Isak Dinesen)

If you want more, buy The Portable Curmudgeon.

February 6, 2009

5 who deserve being Christian Baled

We have a new national hero in Christian Bale. It’s about time someone had the courage to cuss out an incompetent co-worker. If more of us Christian Baled on the simpletons with whom we have the misfortune of working along side each day, the world would be a better place. So go on, Christian Bale them. I’ve created a simple graphic that you can send them in a follow-up email so that they know, “Hey, nothing personal, you’re just useless.”

Here is a brief list of those who deserve a good Christian Baleing.

1. Congress. Republican or democrat, it doesn’t matter, you’re all useless. You probably can’t even play Marco Polo at the Congressional pool since you’d have to check with your caucus to see if it was okay to say ‘Polo.’
2. Joe the Plumber. Yeah, I know I keep harping on him but he won’t go away. Would someone please poor some salt on this slug? Either that or put him in Congress where he belongs.
3. Rachael Raye. Let me get this straight. An unemployed girl does a cable access show in which she proves that you can make a sandwich in 30 minutes and this naturally leads to multiple television shows, a magazine, dog food, kitchen equipment etc etc etc? She’s the Joe the Plumber of mac and cheese. (Dear God, if she reads this, she’ll take that as a compliment!)
4. Dogs. They pee on nearly everything, eat cat poop, lick themselves, smell to high heaven, expect food and treats, drool on everything they haven’t already peed on, stick their noses in our crotches, scoot their asses across our carpets, eat too fast so that the vomit, chew our remote controls, and wake us up much too early so that they can go outside.
5. Beyonce. I’ll hold my tongue since Etta James just gave her a good old-fashioned Christian Baleing. “I tell you, that woman he (Obama) has singing for him, singing my song, she gonna get her ass whipped ... I can’t stand Beyonce, she had no business up there singing ... my song that I’ve been singing forever.” The only thing I can add is that Beyonce isn’t a name. From here on out, I’m calling her Agnes, as in, “Hey Agnes, you suck.”

February 5, 2009

Video may have killed the radio star but these 5 ought to be charged with killing the video star

1. The Monkees. If you're old enough to have at one time said "I want my MTV" or watched Night Tracks on TBS while you waited for your cable company to get hip, you may recall that MTV started showing repeats of The Monkees on an almost constant schedule in the mid-1980s. It was all downhill from there. Screw you Mickey Dolenz!
2. Madonna. You've been an annoying drain on society for more than 20 years. How many people stopped watching videos just to avoid seeing you?
3. Rappers. Yeah, you have lots of jewelry, drink Cristal, and occasionally hang out by the pool wearing banana hammocks but all of that is boring to watch. I mean the whole gun thing might have given you an edge for a while but . . .yawn.
4. The Real World. The first couple of seasons were interesting but this show is the progenitor of MTV's entire schedule of videotaped douchbags pretending to be real.
5. VH1. You started as MTV lite, took a detour through 200 episodes of Behind the Music, and now you're the network dedicated to whores and meatheads. I suppose you're back to be MTV lite again.

February 4, 2009

5 songs you can sing even if you have a frog in your throat

1. It's Not Easy Being Green
2. The Michigan Rag (Hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my ragtime gal)
3. Froggy Went A-Courtin'
4. Body (From The Presidents of the United States first album. The song is about various dead pets and includes the lines "Worms found a hole in your booty they could enter and I can't get your body out of my mind)
5. Ain't Got No Home by Clarence "Frogman" Henry. If you don't know the song, it's worth finding.

February 3, 2009

Now that Rod Blagojevich has no income, 10 classic ad campaigns his PR people are trying to revive so that he can endorse the products

1. Brillcreme - A little vat'll do ya
2. CoCo Puffs - I'm cuckoo and I eat CoCo Puffs
3. Calgon - Lock me away
4. Charmin Toilet Tissue - Cellmate, please don't squeeze my "charmin"
5. Almond Joy - Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you do
6. Trident Gum - 4 out of 5 state senators surveyed recommended I be removed from office. Okay, it was 5 out of 5.
7. Ivory Soap - 99 and 44/100th percent guilty
8. Libby's Canned Food - If it says Blago, Blago, Blago on the label, label, label, you must pay him, pay him, pay him, under the table, table, table.
9. Memorex - Is it live or effin' Memorex
10. Sara Lee - Everybody doesn't like something but nobody doesn't not like me.

February 2, 2009

The 20 greatest television theme songs of all time

All lame blogs must eventually turn to television theme songs so, as this blog reaches its one year mark, I feel it is time to get this out of the way. This list may seem heavy on nostalgia but realize that the days of good theme music have past. Today's programs rarely use anything other than a previously written pop song or noise. I mean, come on Law and Order. Bong! Bong! ? That's a theme song?

In no particular order:

1. Gilligan's Island
2. Sesame Street
3. Partridge Family
4. M.A.S.H. - this is the movie version with lyrics
5. Green Acres
6. Bonanza
7. Sanford and Son - tribute performance
8. Cheers
9. The Facts of Life
10. Wide World of Sports
11. Match Game
12. Zoom
13. The Dukes of Hazard
14. WKRP in Cincinnati
15. The Muppet Show
16. Peter Gunn
17. Welcome Back Kotter
18. The Addams Family
19. The Brady Bunch
20. Hawaii 5-0

And for desert, here is Hitler singing the theme from The Jeffersons

February 1, 2009

5 reasons I'm not watching the Super Bowl.

1. I once went to a pee-wee league football game and got upset about a call. I argued with the referee and eventually threw my Cosmopolitan in his face so my probation forbids me from watching sporting events. (This was when Sex and the City first came on HBO and my wife had me drinking Cosmos all the time. In retrospect, this wasn't my most manly moment.)
2. I limit my exposure to homoerotic content to Steve Reeves movies.
3. I'm allergic to chicken wings.
4. Still sore about that football player breaking my sternum.
5. Higher than average IQ acts as a football filter. My brain only registers the roar of the crowd so I don't actually perceive football on the physical plane.

(All right, I'm sorta watching the game but I don't really care.)