Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

October 31, 2008

6 Halloween costumes I've worn

1.  Captain America - included a cheap flammable suit and a plastic face held on with a rubber band.
2.  Hobo - my preschool beard was created by smearing vaseline all over my face and coating it with toaster crumbs.
3.  Various zombies and dead guys.
4.  A prom couple killed in a horrible car accident on their special dream night.
5.  Charlie Chaplin - with vintage bowler and cane
6.  Homer Simpson - with custom built fat suit, bald wig, and six pack of duff beer

October 30, 2008

10 last lines from great movies of the 1930s

1.  Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?
2.  I steal.
3.  Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes.  It was beauty killed the beast.
4.  But what it the world do they want a trumpet for?
5.  Hello everybody, this is Mrs. Norman Maine.
6.  Toto, we're home.  And this is my room.   And you're all here.  And I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again because I love you all.  And, oh Auntie Em, there's no place like home.
7.  Why was I not made of stone, like thee?
8.  Is that you, Martha?  I don't want to be disturbed.
9.   Merry Christmas and may God bless us, everyone.
10.  This is good for cracking nuts, isn't it?

October 29, 2008

7 last words.

1.  Thomas Jefferson still survives.  
2.  Et tu, Brute?
3.  That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted.
4.  Damn it, don't you dare ask God to help me.
5.  Is it the Fourth?
6.  Let's cool it, brothers.
7.  Let's do it.

October 28, 2008

7 Doris Day DVD's Tony's grandmother wants for Christmas

1. Tea For Two
2. Move Over Darling
3. Teacher's Pet
4. Do Not Disturb
5. Thrill Of It All
6. It Happened To Jane
7. Caprice

(She's not suggesting that one need gift the full list, she just doesn't have these. She also doesn't have Midnight Lace, Julie, and Tunnel of Love but these don't appear to be released on DVD.)

October 27, 2008

6 mnemonics

1.  Roy G. Biv
3.  my very earnest mother just served us nine pickles
4.  every good boy does fine
5.  kids prefer cheese over fried spinach
6.  a tense grey cat lay very low, sneaking slowly, contemplating a pounce

October 26, 2008

A bunch of Steves

1.  Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak (Apple founders)
2.  Steve Irwin (The Crocodile Hunter)
3.  Steve McQueen (movie stud)
4.  Steve Ditko (Hall of Fame comic book genius)
5.  Steve Winwood (Traffic, Blind Faith, Spencer Davis Group)
6.  Steve Buscemi (firefighter/actor)
7.  Steve Allen (1st Tonight Show host/writer of 10,000 songs)
8.  Steve Madden (shoe mogul)
9.  Steve Canyon (Milt Caniff comic strip)
10.  Steve Martin (wild and crazy guy)

October 25, 2008

7 guns I shot today

1. M4 Carbine
2. Glock 22 Pistol
3. Remington Shotgun
4. MP5/10 Submachine Gun
5. Thompson Submachine Gun
6. .357 Revolver (or was it a .44)
7. AK47

October 24, 2008

7 sorts of tramps

1.  Charlie Chaplin, The Little Tramp
2.  Walt Disney's Lady and the Tramp
3.  Tramp stamps
4.  Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves
5.  Supertramp
6.  Tramps like us, baby we were born to run
7.  Charles Rogers, Charles Harelson (Woody's dad,) and Chauncey Holt (look it up.)

October 23, 2008

Complicated mathematics

1.  Sitcom Children  Rosanne x Family Ties - I Love Lucy - The Brady Bunch = Married With Children.
2.  Legs   (Boll Weevil x Cheetah) / Octopus + Me = Starfish
3.  Baseball  Strikes x Defensive Positions - Batters in a Perfect Game = Cub's Chance of Winning World Series
4.  Private Data  My Social Security Number - Visa Card Number + My ATM PIN = The Combination of my High School Locker

October 22, 2008

5 things you can make with eggs beside an omlette.

1.  Quiche
2.  Marshmallows
3.  Pasta Carbornara
4.  Deviled Eggs
5.  Zabaglione

October 21, 2008

10 mavericks

1.  Samuel Augustus Maverick - the eponymous Maverick who refused to brand his cattle.
2. Maury Maverick - his grandson for whom we owe the word "goobledygook."
3. Madonna's record label
4.  A Dallas NBA team
5.  Tom Cruise in Top Gun
6.  A roller coaster at Cedar Point
7.  A TV series with James Garner
8.  A pale movie version of the TV series with Mel Gibson
9.  A 1970's Ford model
10. The best steak house for those who have less than $7 to spend.

October 20, 2008

10 varietals that make life a little bit better.

1.  Malbec
2.  Cabernet Sauvignon
3.  Muscat
4.  Sangiovese
5.  Chardonnay
6.  Merlot
7.  Riesling
8.  Syrrah
9.  Pinot Noir
10.  Zinfandel

October 19, 2008

7 portmanteux for the 21st century.

1.  chillax
2.  staycation
3.  celebutante
4.  metrosexual
5.  mankini, mansierre, manties
6.  tomacco
7.  blog 

October 17, 2008

7 Signs It's Officially Fall

1. a chill in the air
2. the smell of things burning
3. started wearing a light jacket
4. turned on the space heater
5. cats now want to sleep under covers rather than on top of covers
6. Christmas decorations are going up at the mall
7. started growing annual facial hair

October 16, 2008

5 things Joe the Plumber said during the media blitz that weren't reported.

1. Kindergarten is a liberal plot designed to get our children to walk in lines.
2. Ted Kennedy. (Not sure what this means but saying it earns points with his base.)
3. I didn't say plumber, I said aplomb. I'm Joe the completely self-assured.
4. Do you think I look like Mr. Clean? I heard that guy died about a month ago. You think they'd hire me to replace him? What? That guy did the commercials and now it's just a drawing? I could be a drawing.
5. Don't tell McCain, but I used to belong to the Natural Law party which based it's platform on the teachings of the Marharishi Mahesh Yogi and which believes "all political problems can be solved through aligning one's self with the Unified Field of all the laws of nature." Also, the party can't always decide on a presidential candidate from within its ranks so they sometimes pick Ralph Nader or whoever the Socialist party picks. But don't tell McCain. He'll look like he says things without thinking them through very well.

October 15, 2008

10 1970s movies with animals in the title

1.  Three Days of the Condor
2.  The Day of the Dolphin
3.  Dog Day Afternoon
4.  One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
5.  A Man Called Horse
6.  The Eagle Has Landed
7.  Bad News Bears
8.  The Deer Hunter
9.  The Return of the Pink Panther
10.  Weasels Rip My Flesh - really

October 14, 2008

3 reasons that blogging is a uniquely American experience

1.  The free exchange of ideas is the keystone of democracy.
2.  Success is measured by ad revenue with content being only a means to that end.
3.  Bloggers need not burdened by intellect or actual knowledge of the facts.

October 13, 2008

7 Ronco commercials I used to see at Christmas time.

1.  The Buttoneer 
2.  The Veg-0-matic
3.  The Smokeless Ashtray
4.  Pocket Fisherman
5.  Rhinestone and Stud Setter
6.  Mr. Microphone
7.  I don't remember the name of the product but it cut the top off of soda bottles to create fine glassware.

October 12, 2008

6 Simon Templars

1.  Louis Hayward, 1938 and 1953 - the best
2.  George Sanders, 1939-1941
3.  Hugh Sinclair, 1941-1943
4.  A couple of French guys in the 60s
5.  Roger Moore (on TV) 1968-1969
6.  Val Kilmer, 1997

5 things present in chocolate rain

1.  theobromine
2.  tryptophan
3.  phenethylamine
4.  caffeine
5.  sugar

October 10, 2008

5 things that go with fiddle

1.  de-de
2.  sticks
3. faddle
4.  burning Romes
5.  head ferns

October 9, 2008

5 bits of sage advice for the coming months based upon years of watching Depression-era movies.

1. Do not hang clothes on an outdoor laundry line or hobos will steal them.
2. Sneak out the window when someone knocks on the door since it's probably the sheriff come to repossess your things.
3. Learn words to "I Can't Give You Anything But Love" to protect you from wild leopards.
4. Prove social dominance by peppering your discussions with the word "see" as in "This is my plate of beans, see."
5. You may be dirty and smelly but a ragged suit and hat will put a spring in your step.

October 7, 2008

10 things John McCain jotted on his legal pad with his Sharpie.

1. Ask intern to use his new-fangled cell phone to order 100 pizzas to be delivered to Obama.
2. Don't forget to refer to crowd as 'my friends'.
3. Black suit is hot under these lights. Consider kilt.
4. Punch Tom Brokaw in the throat.
5. October surprise idea! Ask John Wayne to be secretary of kick-ass. Wait, is John Wayne alive? Okay then, Charlton Heston. He's alive, right? Steve McQueen? Magnum PI?
6. Hey Mr. Tal-i-ban, Tal-i me ba-na-na.
7. Suspend campaign so you can help fold up chairs when we finish tonight.
8. Ask Sarah to give Cindy make-up tips so she doesn't look so racoonish at my Inauguration.
9. Pollster, I hardly know her.
10. Secret plan to catch Bin Laden: one-billion dollar bill, fishing line, handgun.

October 6, 2008

5 responses to David Byrne asking, "how did I get here?"

1.  South on 6th Street
2.  Parental canoodling
3.  Practice, practice, practice
4.  Hard work and perseverance
5.  Blind luck

October 5, 2008

5 movies with rabbits.

1.  Who Framed Roger Rabbit
2.  Harvey
3.  Donnie Darko
4.  Fatal Attraction
5.  Monty Python and the Holy Grail

October 4, 2008

10 more particularly good Gershwin songs.

1.  Strike Up The Band
2.  Nice Work If You Can Get It
3.  Embraceable You
4.  But Not For Me
5.  Swanee
6.  The Man I Love
7.  An American In Paris
8.  Love Is Here To Stay
9.  Strike Up The Band
10.  I Got Plenty O' Nuthin'

October 3, 2008

10 particularly good Gershwin songs.

1.  S'wonderful
2.  They Can't Take That Away From Me
3.  Bidin' My Time
4.  Fascinating Rhythm
5.  Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
6.  Slap That Bass
7.  I Got Rhythm
8.  They All Laughed
9.  (I'll Build) A Stairway To Paradise
10.  Someone To Watch Over Me

October 2, 2008

7 uses for the 'g's dropped in 90 minutes of Sarah Palin talkin' and debatin'

1.  Campbell's Chicken Alphabet soup now 80% G
2. Kenny G now Kenny Ggg.
3.  M&Ms now G&Gs
4.  Useless X removed from alphabet and replaced with a second G.
5.  1,000,000 now referred to as 1000 Gs
6.  William H. Macy now Gilliam H. Gacy.
7.  Homophonic consistency is finally possible: gnew, gknew, and gnu.

October 1, 2008

5 great movie taglines

1.  In space, no one can hear you scream.
2.  Garbo talks!
3.  Houston, we have a problem.
4.  The classic story of a boy and his mother.
5.  You will believe a man can fly.