Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

March 1, 2010

The My Daily List Winter Olympics debriefing.

1. Canada's getting a little uppity.
2. Lindsey Vonn's publicist clearly suggested that she squirt a few when she won a medal so her endorsement prices would go through the roof. Not only did she have trouble with her phony tears, an interviewer asked her, "hey, what's up with the crying, everyone says that's totally not like you."
3. NBC continues to prove that they are terrible when it comes to Olympic coverage (and most other things.) Do they have anyone who can simply provide sports commentary and not catty behind-the-scenes nitpicking of every athlete. And what's up with that Mary Carillo? You can't understand half of the words coming out of her mouth (apparently she stores marbles in her mouth) and she's still boring. Give me the animated corpse of Jim McKay over any of them.
4. Can we agree that "figure" skating no longer exists. If you don't recall, real figure skaters had to skate figures between their short and long routines and if they didn't have the control and skill to FIGURE skate, they didn't win a medal. Now it's all jazz hands and lip-pouting. The whole thing needs a new name. Ice Flouncing?
5. Poor Shaun White. How sad to have an Olympic event created because you exist and realize that no one can beat you. He did his very best to appear excited by his gold medal but he had all the feigned enthusiasm of a frat boy trying to drag Mardi Gras into Ash Wednesday.
6. What's with all the terrible comedy writers (yes, SNL, you suck) making jokes about curling? It's the only interesting winter sport outside of hockey.
7. The International Olympic Committee claims that they are "morally" responsible for a Georgian luger death. I'm not sure if they've confused "morally" with "legally" or if they're admitting that they'd rather burn in Hell than settle a wrongful death suit.
8. I've only been to Canada for a few hours. Are there really as many Mounties as the closing ceremony suggested?
9. Wouldn't platform diving be much cooler if they moved it from the summer to the winter games?
10. Now that the coverage is over, we can all get back to hating Jay Leno.

February 21, 2010

The Sarah Palin guide to who can and cannot use the word "retard".

1. Rahm Emanuel - absolutely not.
2. Rush Limbaugh - of course, what are you, a retar . . . I mean, don't be foolish.
3. David Letterman - nope.
4. Playgirl models - nope.
5. People who use teleprompters - nope.
6. People who write buzz words on their hands because their principles are so shallow they're hard to remember - you betcha.
7. Partisan whores who are willing to exploit special needs children, even their own, if it advances their career - yes, but only in strategy sessions and not in public when cameras are present.
8. Uppity bloggers who write posts about scumbags - who knows but keep an eye on Fox News to see if they provide an answer.

February 13, 2010

5 ways to tell if your elective representative to Congress is a Democrat.

1. Place it in a large paper bag. Thoroughly wet the bag. If it sits impotently waiting for someone from the other side of the aisle to help it, it's a Democrat.
2. Present it with a small child who has a lollipop. Tell it that it must have the lollipop and cannot take no for an answer. If it develops a compromise in which all citizens must purchase a lifetime supply of lollipops from Big Candy Companies, it's a Democrat.
3. Ask it to change a lightbulb. If it says the task is impossible without the help of 59 other people, it's a Democrat.
4. Ask it to start a recreational basketball team. When the team arrives at the gym for the first game ask it if it is prepared to win the game. If it insists that adding touchdowns and homeruns is a contingency of even playing the game, it's a Democrat. If it insists that the other team be given a 100 point head start, it's a Democratic leader.
5. Make a peanut butter sandwich that the two of you will share. Tell it that you will cut the sandwich in half but that it will get to pick a half first. Cut the sandwich into 4/5 and 1/5 pieces. If it picks the smaller piece and then dances about excitedly shouting "Woo hoo! Sucka!!"it's a Democrat.

February 3, 2010

The Sandra Bullock Step-By-Step Guide to Winning an Oscar

Step one: (this is the hard part.) Spend years making movies in which you play characters that middle-aged women say are totally just like their best friends (but secretly think are totally like them.)

Step two: Make sure that you're attractive so that middle-aged women's boyfriends/husbands don't mind being forced to watch your movie BUT not so attractive that the boyfriends/husbands think you're out of their league.

Step three: Hire a publicist who specializes in convincing others that you deserve an Oscar.

Step four: Convince a studio executive that it's more cost-effective to push your average genre movie as an Oscar contender than to invest money and effort into a prestige film.

Step five: Flatter a group of bloggers and small-town movie reviewers by saying that you truly care about their opinion of your new movie and that you would like to include their thoughts in your nationally broadcast commercials. (Ignore any that don't fall for the flattery and tell you the truth.)

Step six: Join the ranks other great actresses like Sally Kirkland, Melanie Griffith, Sharon Stone, and Madonna by winning a Golden Globe.

Step seven: Participate in a long interview in which you discuss how difficult it was to portray a human woman and how the opportunity to do so allowed you to transition from comedienne to serious actress. Be certain to express this in the form of a thank you as in "thank you for allowing me to transition from comedienne to serious actress" Repeat these responses to anyone who will interview you.

Step eight: Have your publicist send out a press release committing one million dollars to poor suffering people. (If the Oscar race doesn't coincide with a natural disaster, consider adopting a baby with dark brown or yellow skin. DO NOT adopt a baby with light brown skin since your public wants to keep them in their own countries.)

January 26, 2010

Why did My Daily List fall off the face of the Earth?

1. After years of hobo obsession, he finally packed his bindle and hit the open road.
2. My Daily List was designed to continue for 1001 lists but walking away from the responsibility of writing a daily list is best for the fine people of Alaska.
3. You don’t know it yet but mydailylist made it through Hollywood week and is one of the top 24 on American Idol.
4. He decided to rest on his laurels but he recently received his laurels in the mail and realized that they are highly unrestful bay leaves, so screw it.
5. He was content to simply watch television in the evening without the burden of writing a list. Then, Julia Roberts made a movie and they started showing a commercial with her donkey-face laughing that laugh that makes angels punch babies. So he started listing again.
6. He's been spending a lot of time in Crawford rockin' and reminiscin on the front porch with W.
7. He briefly took over Jay Leno's blog but then that jerk decided he wanted it back.
8. My Daily List's primary audience was women over the age of 90 so his following eventually died off. Now he's back to appeal to a fresher, younger audience with lists on such diverse topics as the Korean War, frozen TV dinners, and Ed Sullivan.
9. Had been distracted by the shiny ribbons from Christmas presents.
10. What? He stopped listing? I didn't notice.