Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

March 31, 2008

5 foods that stuff well

1. Green olives
2. Mushrooms
3. Poblano peppers
4. Artichokes
5. Grape leaves

I prefer dressing to stuffing so sorry Turkey Farmers of America and it makes no difference whether it's my kind of town or not, pizza isn't meant to be stuffed Chicago.

March 30, 2008

7 ingredients of my hypnotic personal odor

1. Bar Soap - 'Perfectly Fresh'
2. Shampoo - 'Classic Clean'
3. Laundry Soap - 'Clean Breeze'
4. Fabric Softener - 'Outdoor Fresh'
5. Dish Soap - 'Lemon Surge'
6. Hand Soap - 'Milk and Honey'
7. Deordorant - 'Swagger'

March 29, 2008

6 words that make violence sound fun.

1. Donnybrook
2. Brannigan
3. Fisticuffs
4. Rumpus
5. Fracas
6. Tiff

March 28, 2008

If you're happy and you know it . . .

. . . clap your hands.
. . . clip your nails.
. . . eat your peas.
. . . lick your stamps.
. . . frost your cake.
. . . write your list.

March 27, 2008

20 great Harry Warren songs

1. Jeepers Creepers
2. Shadow Waltz
3. Chattanooga Choo Choo
4. On the Atchison Topeka and Sante Fe
5. You'll Never Know
6. You're Getting to Be a Habit With Me
7. With Plenty of Money and You
8. I Had the Craziest Dream
9. Pettin' in the Park
10. Shuffle Off to Buffalo
11. Young and Healthy
12. We're in the Money
13. I Only Have Eyes For You
14. Chica Chica Boom Chic
15. Lullaby of Broadway
16. 42nd Street
17. You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby
18. That's Amore
19. All's Fair in Love and War
20. The Latin Quarter

March 26, 2008

6 flavors that I'll never be able to sell to Baskin Robbins.

1. Sour grapes
2. Lemon-lamb
3. Hard-boiled egg nog
4. Dulce de leeches
5. Cookies and creamed spinach
6. Rockie roadkill

March 25, 2008

3 things my grandma used to say

1. Use your head for something besides a football.
2. (So and so) thinks she Miss Astor's pet horse.
3. Excuse me for living, I fell out of the hearse.

March 24, 2008

6 things I didn't like about "Across the Universe."

1. Every Vietnam era stereotype compressed into a single boring plot.
2. Amid Beatlesque-named characters, they throw in a Rita but don't sing Lovely Rita Meter Maid.
3. Eddie Izzard ruins For the Benefit of Mr. Kite.
4. Most songs have little to do with the plot.
5. It ain't no Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - now that's a Beatles movie.
6. Vocals and imagery are impressive but the movie is so lame it's hard to get excited about them.

March 23, 2008

5 great Easter tastes

1. Stale Peeps
2. Chocolate malted eggs
3. Any sort of Reese's - egg, cup, who cares.
4. Jelly beans
5. Ham

March 22, 2008

6 things I'd say if the margarita's were doing the talking.

1. Smiles feel like sunshine.
2. You know, I have really attractive feet. I could be a foot model. I could be a major player in the foot trade. The cover of Foot Vogue. I should cut my toe nails. Ooooh, cake!
3. I don't care what they say. Tyra Banks isn't self-centered. Now there's a girl with nice feet.
4. We should go to Target. We need toilet paper. WOOOO! Drunk shopping!
5. I should really do some sit-ups. I'm so bloated. Look at that fat gut. Ohhhh, cake!
6. Happy pretty love fun-time.

March 19, 2008

6 things my wife would say if she could speak man.

1. Honey, I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom. I need you to take these pretzels and chips, the dip, this pizza and the cooler of beer and I need you to go in the other room and play video games all day so you won't be in my way.
2. Look at what I found at the mall. A push-up bra and a mini-trampoline.
3. No, I don't expect you to listen to my problems quietly, I want you to tell me the obvious solutions.
4. Can I get you a beer?
5. I'm not sure the TV is big enough. We should probably get a new one.
6. What do you want for dinner, dear. I know. Donuts.

6 things my dog would say if he spoke English

1. What the cat said. That vet's always shoving things up my ass.
2. You gonna eat that?
3. I appreciate you buying a king-sized mattress and all but things are still a bit tight. You think maybe you could sleep on the floor? Really? That'd be great. You're the best.
4. Wow! I haven't seen you since, like, this morning. Wow!
5. I don't know who those squirrels think they are. Like climbing around in trees is cool or something. No good squirrels. I hate 'em.
6. You know what I could go for? Cat vomit. I mean that hard crunchy food you buy is great and all, but you can't beat cat vomit. If I was on death row, that would be my request for a last meal.

6 things my cat would say if she spoke English

1. Enough with the tail pulling. It was cute when I was a kitten but now it's just annoying.
2. What are you looking at? You looking at me?
3. I'll tell you when you've spooned enough squishy food in my bowl. Keep going.
4. Okay, now you've done it. I have no choice but to scratch you.
5. And about that vet. You should see what she shoves up my ass when you're not looking.
6. You know you want to. Pet the kitty.

March 18, 2008

5 things that go well with a cold beer.

1. Mexican food
2. Pizza
3. Anything cooked on the grill on a hot July afternoon.
4. White cake, white frosting.
5. Another beer. Maybe two.

March 17, 2008

3 things I don't do on St. Patrick's day

1. Drink green beer. (Water, yeast, barley, hops and green dye #3. Which of these things doesn't belong?)
2. Attend a St. Patrick's Day parade. (I limited the chance of being vomited upon to 75% so parades are beyond tolerance.)
3. Wear green. (Years of Catholic school uniforms at good ol' St. Pat's Grade School and I've worn a lifetime of green.

March 16, 2008

6 great character actors from the 30s

1. Allen Jenkins
2. Hugh Herbert
3. Frank McHugh
4. Guy Kibbee
5. Nat Pendleton
6. Edward Everett Horton

March 15, 2008

5 Great Gummis

1. Bears (a bit prosaic, but a classic all the same.)
2. Worms (a delicious meal in and of itself.)
3. Crabby patties (the finest entertainment marketing tie-in since the Taco Bell chihauhau pimped Godzilla.)
4. Eyeballs (where candy and body parts were meant to intersect.)
5. Bacon (less cholestrol and fat http://candyaddict.com/blog/2006/02/22/gummi-bacon/)

March 14, 2008

6 green things I like

1. Margaritas
2. Guacomole
3. Enchilanda Verde al Pastor
4. Grass that I don't have to cut.
5. Kermit the Frog
6. Money, money, money

March 12, 2008

4 things to do on the first great spring-like day of the year.

1. Drive around with your windows down.
2. Step away from your desk and go for a walk in the middle of the day.
3. Wear a short-sleeve rayon shirt.
4. Strut.

March 11, 2008

One reason Geraldine Ferraro is an idiot.

1. She opens her mouth and speaks.

3 Characteristics of a Catch-up List.

1. They appear when I forget to post a daily list.
2. They tend to have no purpose other than being a list.
3. They are a concession to the 365 days/365 lists concept based upon my addled brains inability to count to 365 without taking a break.

March 9, 2008

3 thing I might have done with the hour I lost today

1. Took a walk on a nice day.
2. Went out for a nice breakfast.
3. Slept.

March 8, 2008

5 things I'm not sure about my new Prius

1. Is the engine on or in auxillary mode?
2. What words can I say to the nav system?
3. Are the doors locked?
4. Was the extended warranty a good idea?
5. When the heck would I shift into B?

March 7, 2008

5 things I plan to do this weekend.

1. Do some serious sleeping in.
2. Dishes.
3. Drink a few beers after weeks of fever and medicine.
4. Buy a car if the Toyota dealer isn't a tool.
5. Get out of the house.

March 6, 2008

4 reasons this list counts for yesterday

1. I thought to do the list all day.
2. I'm still really sick cough cough.
3. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep because I needed to do a list.
4. My blog my rules.

March 5, 2008

5 things I'd do if winter lived next door to me.

1. Blow all of my fall leaves into her yard.
2. Call the police to complain that her TV is too loud, even if it isn't.
3. Tell other neighbors that it's her dog that's pooping in their yards.
4. Have pizzas delivered to her.
5. Tell her that she's outlived her welcome and we all want her to move on.

March 4, 2008

5 reasons you have to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the nomination.

1. You hate women if she isn't elected.
2. She's had her heart set on it for so long.
3. All Presidents must be a Bush or a Clinton so just deal with it.
4. What, do you hate women?
5. Promises have been made so she ain't about to let you ruin it by thinking for yourself.

March 3, 2008

4 reasons that it ain't spring yet.

1. Sleet
2. Runny nose
3. Temperature is half as high as yesterday.
4. Classic crappy Monday

March 1, 2008

7 things I did, now that I feel better.

1. Cleaned the toilet.
2. Washed the dishes.
3. Walked about upright for more than a few moments.
4. Breathed fresh air outside.
5. Ate Mexican food.
6. Caught up on a week's missed work.
7. Recalled that I have a daily list to write.