Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

July 31, 2008

5 things we should all avoid.

1. swallowing swords
2. tossing cookies
3. leaping lizards
4. chasing amy (and the rest of his movies)
5. swinging single

July 30, 2008

5 1930’s movie detectives

1. Sherlock Holmes
2. Nick and Nora Charles
3. Hildegarde Withers
4. Charlie Chan
5. Joel and Garde Sloane

July 29, 2008

5 snakes from my 1970s

1. Snake and Mongoose - drag cars
2. Snake River Canyon - Evil Knievil’s rocket jump
3. Snakes from the fireworks stand on the corner
4. Ssssssss - movie in which Dirk Benedict turns into a snake
5. St. Patrick driving the snakes out of Ireland - 9 years at St. Pat’s Grade School and all of those green Toughskins.

July 28, 2008

4 reasons that Mia, the stray cat, is so cute

1. part tabby, part siamese
2. big blue eyes
3. when she meows, no sound comes out of her mouth
4. no tail

July 27, 2008

10 pretty nice (big) noses

1. Jimmy Durante
2. Cyrano de Bergerac
3. Danny Thomas
4. Jamie Farr
5. The Great Gonzo
6. Adrian Brody
7. Sandra Bernhardt
8. Pinnochio
9. Marsha Brady - after football
10. Bob Hope

July 26, 2008

10 pretty nice moustaches (hate the man, not the moustache.)

1. Adolph Hitler
2. Charlie Chaplain
3. Rollie Fingers
4. Clark Gable
5. Groucho Marx
6. Tom Selleck
7. Salvador Dali
8. Gene Shalit
9. Ned Flanders
10. Burt Reynolds

July 25, 2008

5 tapas we shared for lunch.

1. Bacalao - codfish and potato cakes with lemon aioli
2. Alchachofas Fritas - fried artichokes with Romanesque sauce and Manchego cheese
3. Pincho de Pollo Y Chorizo - chicken and chorizo skewer with cumin aioli
4. Patatas Bravas - roasted potatos in tomato sauce
5. Tarta de Santiago - flourless almond cake

July 24, 2008

5 benefits of working in Higher Ed.

1. No one really cares if you show any effort.
2. Everyone assumes you’re the dumbest person in the room so you can get away with all kinds of crazy behavior.
3. If you try hard, no one will notice you and you can skip coming into work once or twice a week.
4. No one gets fired. (See #1. Firing people takes effort.)
5. Needless policies allow endless opportunities to bully students.

July 23, 2008

10 notable Muppets (from regions other than Sesame Street)

1. Kermit
2. Miss Piggy
3. Fozzy Bear
4. The Great Gonzo
5. Animal
6. Dr. Teeth (of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
7. Statler and Waldorf (you can’t break up a duo)
8. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beeker (another duo)
9. Scooter
10. The Swedish Chef

July 22, 2008

10 Muppets from the ‘hood.

1. Kermit
2. Cookie Monster
3. Grover
4. Big Bird
5. Aloysius Snuffleupagus
6. Count Von Count
7. Bert and Ernie (they’re a single muppet unit)
8. Oscar the Grouch
9. Guy Smiley
10. Mah Na Mah Na

July 21, 2008

4 times I lost consciousness.

1. That time the rope on my tire swing broke.
2. That time I was trying to catch a baseball on the first bounce (75 points) and ran head first into the lamp post.
3. That time I was riding a minibike and got my foot stuck on the clutch so I looked down and ran into a wrought iron railing at the church down the street.
4. That time I drank too much and passed out on the basement floor. (Ohh, the cool concrete feels so good . . . hey, how’d I get into this bed and where’d all this vomit come from?)

July 20, 2008

3 things that the rain on my roof sounds like.

1. Bacon frying
2. Cartoon fire
3. A Cheetos bag being crinkled

July 19, 2008

5 reasons I may be turning into a Mac snob.

1. I open up the Macbook and the thing turns on and is ready to use - IMMEDIATELY.
2. The crazy cool magnetic recharging port.
3. The battery has lights to tell me how much charge remains.
4. I’m not spending most of my computing time waiting for the system to do what I’ve asked it to do.
5. Garage Band - wow, how cool is that?

July 18, 2008

4 daily medications

1. simvastatin
2. 81 mg aspirin
3. antacid
4. beer

July 17, 2008

Prius facts 3: The impact of trading in a 2000 Galant after 135 days.

1. I’ve avoided buying 140.36 gallons of gas.
2. I’ve not spent $546.50.
3. I’ve not used 7.2 barrels of oil.
4. I’ve not put 2807 pounds of greenhouse gasses in the air.
5. I’ve average 47 mpg.

July 16, 2008

5 drags and dragging

1. Cigarettes
2. Unmotivated feet
3. Snakes and/or Mongooses
4. Dudes in dresses
5. Oppositional aerodynamic forces

July 15, 2008

10 absolutely vital stories the media wants me to follow.

1. Whose baby bump is most fabulous?
2. What’s Brittney doing right now?
3. Has Amy Winehouse been arrested? Come down with a new disease? Checked into and/or out of rehab?
4. What are the girls on The Hills really like. I bet they’re really nice.
5. Has Jennifer Love Hewitt lost weight in her butt?
6. What’s up with Beyonce and JayZ? Are they happy? I hope they’re happy.
7. How come America isn’t embracing Ali Lohan? I mean, she’s recording a CD so we owe her fame and adulation, right? Are we suppose to wait for her track to drop before we elevate her to her rightful spot in the heavens?
8. Don’t you just love Mario Lopez’s dimples? He’s so successful in his own way.
9. Jessica Alba – love her or love her to pieces. She’s classic Hollywood.
10. Isn’t it great that Nicole Ritchie’s best-selling novel is being turned into a TV program? She’s worked so hard to be taken seriously as an actress/writer/producer/entrepreneur/ and I’m glad someone is finally noticing her.

July 14, 2008

6 shows worth watching on BBC America

1. Top Gear
2. The Dragon’s Den
3. Graham Norton
4. Anything with Gordon Ramsey
5. Cash in the Attic
6. You Are What You Eat

July 13, 2008

5 things honeyish

1. Honey Bear
2. The Honeycomb Hideout
3. Honey Roasted Peanuts
4. Honey Butter
5. The Honey Drippers

July 12, 2008

3 differences between menudo and Menudo

1. After a long night of drinking, the dish eases a quesy stomach, while the group causes a quesy stomach.
2. The dish contains tripe, while the group peddles tripe.
3. The dish contains a lot of skin tissue, while the group members are skinny.

July 11, 2008

5 good Leo Sayer songs - really.

1.The Show Must Go On
2. Long Tall Glasses
3. You Make Me Feel Like Dancing
4. More Than I Can Say
5. When I Need You

July 10, 2008

5 things my Wii Fit says to me.

1. You are overweight.
2. Great.
3. You have great posture
4. You are strong
5. Turn me on, stud - not really.

July 9, 2008

5 things I should do before the first day of winter.

1. Lose 15 pounds.
2. Write the children’s book I’m thinking about.
3. Pay off the credit card.
4. Regain ground in my retirement portfolio - stupid economy.
5. Finish the family cookbook I’m giving to siblings for Christmas.

July 8, 2008

5 thoughts thought during an evening without power.

1. Want beer, shouldn't open refrigerator. But want beer . . .
2. Those unattractive nightlights I've plugged in all over the place are actually necessary. (It's so dark, the dog can't walk up the stairs - can't see the stairs.)
3. Feel the need to roam around deserted shopping mall rather than sit in the dark.
4. Want to do push-ups but the Wii Fit won't turn on.
5. Magic wireless network refuses to beam life-sustainng Internet to this stupid laptop.

July 7, 2008

6 excellent ducks

1. Donald Duck (and associated duck relatives.)
2. Daffy Duck
3. Baby Huey
4. Yakky Doodle
5. Count Duckula (yeah, I was much too old to be watching Danger Mouse.)
6. Howard the Duck

July 6, 2008

5 excellent things about 3-day weekends.

1. You don't feel like your wasting your weekend if you spend most of day straightening up around the house.
2. An afternoon nap is an investment in long-term fun rather than a waste of time.
3. For a few moments, you forget you have a job.
4. You only tend to get a 3-day weekend when there's something fun going on.
5. 3 is 1 more than 2.

July 5, 2008

5 things from which our founding fathers should have declared independece.

1. email
2. cell phone/Blackberry
3. talk radio/cable news
4. unnecessary meetings
5. Lifetime Movie Network (isn't there a limit to how many beautiful women from once popular television programs can be sexually/emotionally/physically threatened by raffishly handsome men who played secondary characters in television cop shows.)

July 4, 2008

A 24-hour Fourth of July film festival.

1. John Adams (HBO miniseries) - 8 hr. 35 min.
2. Independence Day - 2 hr. 25 min.
3. 1776 - 2 hr. 21 min.
4. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - 2 hr. 10 min.
5. National Treasure - 2 hr. 11 min.
6. Johnny Tremain - 1 hr. 21. min.
7. Yankee Doodle Dandy - 1 hr. 25 min.
8. Saving Private Ryan - 2 hr. 50 min.
(Leaves 17 minutes for sparklers and apple pie.)

July 2, 2008

5 things that children can learn about success from Rush Limbaugh's $400 million payday.

1. Do whatever you can to get one group of people to hate another group of people.
2. Convince families of four who make $30,000 a year that they're middle-class.
3. Discover what scares people and tell them that that scary thing is going to end the world as they know it.
4. Insist that everything is scary.
5. Condemn those who have drug problems but never forget that OxyContin takes the edge off of a really tough day. Not so tough days too.

July 1, 2008

5 flat things

1. Flounder
2. Pancakes
3. Old soda
4. A-cups
5. The Earth in some opinions.

I've been told that I've been insulting to A-cups. My response is that cups are merely an indicator of size and not beauty, function, or desirability. Stand proud A-cups.