Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

March 1, 2010

The My Daily List Winter Olympics debriefing.

1. Canada's getting a little uppity.
2. Lindsey Vonn's publicist clearly suggested that she squirt a few when she won a medal so her endorsement prices would go through the roof. Not only did she have trouble with her phony tears, an interviewer asked her, "hey, what's up with the crying, everyone says that's totally not like you."
3. NBC continues to prove that they are terrible when it comes to Olympic coverage (and most other things.) Do they have anyone who can simply provide sports commentary and not catty behind-the-scenes nitpicking of every athlete. And what's up with that Mary Carillo? You can't understand half of the words coming out of her mouth (apparently she stores marbles in her mouth) and she's still boring. Give me the animated corpse of Jim McKay over any of them.
4. Can we agree that "figure" skating no longer exists. If you don't recall, real figure skaters had to skate figures between their short and long routines and if they didn't have the control and skill to FIGURE skate, they didn't win a medal. Now it's all jazz hands and lip-pouting. The whole thing needs a new name. Ice Flouncing?
5. Poor Shaun White. How sad to have an Olympic event created because you exist and realize that no one can beat you. He did his very best to appear excited by his gold medal but he had all the feigned enthusiasm of a frat boy trying to drag Mardi Gras into Ash Wednesday.
6. What's with all the terrible comedy writers (yes, SNL, you suck) making jokes about curling? It's the only interesting winter sport outside of hockey.
7. The International Olympic Committee claims that they are "morally" responsible for a Georgian luger death. I'm not sure if they've confused "morally" with "legally" or if they're admitting that they'd rather burn in Hell than settle a wrongful death suit.
8. I've only been to Canada for a few hours. Are there really as many Mounties as the closing ceremony suggested?
9. Wouldn't platform diving be much cooler if they moved it from the summer to the winter games?
10. Now that the coverage is over, we can all get back to hating Jay Leno.

February 21, 2010

The Sarah Palin guide to who can and cannot use the word "retard".

1. Rahm Emanuel - absolutely not.
2. Rush Limbaugh - of course, what are you, a retar . . . I mean, don't be foolish.
3. David Letterman - nope.
4. Playgirl models - nope.
5. People who use teleprompters - nope.
6. People who write buzz words on their hands because their principles are so shallow they're hard to remember - you betcha.
7. Partisan whores who are willing to exploit special needs children, even their own, if it advances their career - yes, but only in strategy sessions and not in public when cameras are present.
8. Uppity bloggers who write posts about scumbags - who knows but keep an eye on Fox News to see if they provide an answer.

February 13, 2010

5 ways to tell if your elective representative to Congress is a Democrat.

1. Place it in a large paper bag. Thoroughly wet the bag. If it sits impotently waiting for someone from the other side of the aisle to help it, it's a Democrat.
2. Present it with a small child who has a lollipop. Tell it that it must have the lollipop and cannot take no for an answer. If it develops a compromise in which all citizens must purchase a lifetime supply of lollipops from Big Candy Companies, it's a Democrat.
3. Ask it to change a lightbulb. If it says the task is impossible without the help of 59 other people, it's a Democrat.
4. Ask it to start a recreational basketball team. When the team arrives at the gym for the first game ask it if it is prepared to win the game. If it insists that adding touchdowns and homeruns is a contingency of even playing the game, it's a Democrat. If it insists that the other team be given a 100 point head start, it's a Democratic leader.
5. Make a peanut butter sandwich that the two of you will share. Tell it that you will cut the sandwich in half but that it will get to pick a half first. Cut the sandwich into 4/5 and 1/5 pieces. If it picks the smaller piece and then dances about excitedly shouting "Woo hoo! Sucka!!"it's a Democrat.

February 3, 2010

The Sandra Bullock Step-By-Step Guide to Winning an Oscar

Step one: (this is the hard part.) Spend years making movies in which you play characters that middle-aged women say are totally just like their best friends (but secretly think are totally like them.)

Step two: Make sure that you're attractive so that middle-aged women's boyfriends/husbands don't mind being forced to watch your movie BUT not so attractive that the boyfriends/husbands think you're out of their league.

Step three: Hire a publicist who specializes in convincing others that you deserve an Oscar.

Step four: Convince a studio executive that it's more cost-effective to push your average genre movie as an Oscar contender than to invest money and effort into a prestige film.

Step five: Flatter a group of bloggers and small-town movie reviewers by saying that you truly care about their opinion of your new movie and that you would like to include their thoughts in your nationally broadcast commercials. (Ignore any that don't fall for the flattery and tell you the truth.)

Step six: Join the ranks other great actresses like Sally Kirkland, Melanie Griffith, Sharon Stone, and Madonna by winning a Golden Globe.

Step seven: Participate in a long interview in which you discuss how difficult it was to portray a human woman and how the opportunity to do so allowed you to transition from comedienne to serious actress. Be certain to express this in the form of a thank you as in "thank you for allowing me to transition from comedienne to serious actress" Repeat these responses to anyone who will interview you.

Step eight: Have your publicist send out a press release committing one million dollars to poor suffering people. (If the Oscar race doesn't coincide with a natural disaster, consider adopting a baby with dark brown or yellow skin. DO NOT adopt a baby with light brown skin since your public wants to keep them in their own countries.)

January 26, 2010

Why did My Daily List fall off the face of the Earth?

1. After years of hobo obsession, he finally packed his bindle and hit the open road.
2. My Daily List was designed to continue for 1001 lists but walking away from the responsibility of writing a daily list is best for the fine people of Alaska.
3. You don’t know it yet but mydailylist made it through Hollywood week and is one of the top 24 on American Idol.
4. He decided to rest on his laurels but he recently received his laurels in the mail and realized that they are highly unrestful bay leaves, so screw it.
5. He was content to simply watch television in the evening without the burden of writing a list. Then, Julia Roberts made a movie and they started showing a commercial with her donkey-face laughing that laugh that makes angels punch babies. So he started listing again.
6. He's been spending a lot of time in Crawford rockin' and reminiscin on the front porch with W.
7. He briefly took over Jay Leno's blog but then that jerk decided he wanted it back.
8. My Daily List's primary audience was women over the age of 90 so his following eventually died off. Now he's back to appeal to a fresher, younger audience with lists on such diverse topics as the Korean War, frozen TV dinners, and Ed Sullivan.
9. Had been distracted by the shiny ribbons from Christmas presents.
10. What? He stopped listing? I didn't notice.

December 17, 2009

5 popular activities used by caricaturists

1. Driving a dune buggy
2. Skateboarding
3. Fishing
4. Reading a good book
5. Corning beer

December 16, 2009

German Expressionist films worth checking out

1. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
2. The Golem
3. Metropolis
4. M
5. Nosferatu

December 15, 2009

World flags which suggest that Santa may live there

1. Bangledesh









2. Belarus








3. Burundi










4. Grenada









5. Norfolk Island








6. Turkmenistan

December 14, 2009

People who have played Sherlock Holmes

1. Robert Downey Jr.
2. Basil Rathbone
3. Matt Frewer
4. Nicolas Rowe
5. Peter O'Toole (ok, they were cartoons but come on, Peter O'Toole!)
6. Peter Cushing
7. Eille Norwood (47 times in silent movies which is three times as many movies as Rathbone.)

December 13, 2009

Things December could do without

1. Candy canes
2. Exchanging gifts with co-workers
3. Holiday specials starring former American Idols
4. People whining about Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc not embracing Christmas
5. Egg nog

December 12, 2009

Excellent Christmas season commericials

1. Ronco Bottle and Jar Cutter
2. Santa Riding a Norelco Electric Shaver
3. Various K-Tel music collections
4. Coca Cola - I'd like to teach the world to sing
5. Biz Markie - Oh snap, guess what I saw

December 11, 2009

5 indications that I have an iPhone problem

1. Life is structured around charging stations.
2. New pet name for the wife: 32 gigs.
3. Unwilling to participate in any future time-travel opportunities unless I can remain linked to the iTunes store and Internet.
4. Human interactions tend to revolve around me showing people my new apps.
5. People avoid asking me about this weather since I have to show them doppler radar animations.

December 10, 2009

iPhone apps worth a look

1. IMDB - Movie Genie kept us going but it's about time they gave us movie nerds what we need.
2. iAssociate - it's a little clunky but a good idea for a word game.
3. Pocket Sitcom - if you need applause, hoots, or the right musical interlude to make your real life as interesting as TV.
4. Durak - I'd never heard of this card game before but now that I know how to play I can certainly adapt it to gambling.
5. Dragon Diction - free for now but something worth paying for if you need diction converted to text in the blink of an eye.
6. Pixo - it will need regular updates to make it a keeper but it's a great idea for a photo based game.
7. Gold Dust - free and useless but sparkly.
8. Yearbook Yourself - yes, it's old news but it's still endlessly funny.
9. WhatsApp Messenger - iPhone to iPhone messaging with notification which now supports audio and photos.
10. Traffic Rush - maybe the next Flight Control?

December 9, 2009

Indications that it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

1. Students are cramming for finals
2. Stores are making plans to discount the Christmas-themed Snickers to make room for the Valentines-themed Snickers.
3. Radio stations have abandoned Bruce Springsteen's labored attempt to sing Born to Run in favor of his labored attempt to sing Santa Claus is Coming to Town.
4. I've been invited to a half-dozen work related holiday parties all of which have the exact same guest list. (How have you been since I saw you 20 minutes ago?)
5. I've seen the 8 hour VHS copy of classic holiday animated specials - a family tradition that continues even though DVD versions have been purchased.

December 8, 2009

Things you might stir into your pancake batter

1. Chipotle and chocolate chips
2. Crushed peanut brittle
3. Lemon zest and ricotta cheese
4. Country sausage and pistachios
5. Orange zest and Liquor 43 (think Creamcicle)

December 7, 2009

The trouble with elves

1. The male and female elves look alike leading to some awkward moments at the holiday party.
2. Stupid bells on their shoes get tiresome after a while.
3. There's a quiet tension in the workshop since a group of trouble-makers unionized.
4. They're groin high.
5. They're always busy making toys whenever you ask them to get the sleigh and help you move a couch.

December 6, 2009

6 famous writers who slummed in Hollywood

1. F. Scott Fitzgerald
2. William Faulkner
3. George Bernard Shaw
4. John Steinbeck
5. Graham Greene
6. P.G. Wodehouse

December 5, 2009

Potential names for the Mac tablet

1. iPhone Venti
2. iSmudges
3. Nerd Anchor
4. Appbook
5. $700 I don't have

December 4, 2009

5 scary ventriloquist dummies - can you name the source?

1. The Great Gabbo (nope, not from The Simpsons)
2. Fats
3. Willy
4. Hugo Fitch (just watched this and it was pretty good)
5. Hugo (an homage to Hugo Fitch)

December 3, 2009

5 reasons it might be worth inducing a chemical coma until January 2nd

1. Shopping for perfect gifts
2. Fulfilling unrealistic expectations
3. Satisfying everyone's need to host me
4. Egg nog
5. The total lack of effort on the part of television executives to pacify me

December 1, 2009

New Christmas specials in the age of uninteresting famous people

1. Sean Hannity's War On Christmas Variety Hour
2. Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Ego-Trip: Xmas Edition
3. Sarah Palin's 8 Days of Christmas (She signed on to do twelve days but quit after eight)
4. The Little Squawker Boy: Kenny G's Jewish Christmas
5. Barbara Walter's The Very First Christmas: An Eye-witness Account

November 30, 2009

My favorite new Roku channels

1. TWIT
2. Revision 3
3. Pandora
4. Mediafly
5. Flickr

November 29, 2009

My 10 favorite COPS characters

1. Casual guy without shirt
2. Girl who didn't know her boyfriend had crack in the car
3. Odd looking hooker who turns out to be a dude
4. Guy with baggy pants who can't run very well
5. Computer tech cruising for meth
6. Fleeing driver who crashes into a tree
7. Stoned girl without a drivers license
8. Guy who acts tough until the police dogs arrive
9. Naked traffic stop person
10. Bad boys bad boys

November 27, 2009

Big band leaders whose names weren't Goodman, Dorsey, or Miller

1. Artie Shaw
2. Paul Whiteman
3. Jimmie Lunceford
4. Stan Kenton
5. Tex Beneke
6. Woody Herman
7. Lionel Hampton
8. Duke Ellington
9. Count Basie
10. Gene Krupa

November 26, 2009

5 ways to burn extra Thanksgiving calories

1. Snoring
2. Making turkey sandwiches
3. Burping
4. The Deuce
5. Squabbling

November 25, 2009

What Fox News viewers are thankful for this season

1. Sean Hannity
2. Glenn Beck
3. Being white
4. Sarah Palin
5. Michelle Malkin
6. Being Christian
7. Ann Colter
8. Michelle Baughman
9. That I were smart enough to stockpile guns and bullets before B. Hussein Obama outlaws them
10. Mountain Dew

November 24, 2009

What zombies are thankful for this season

1. Brains
2. Brains
3. Brains
4. Brains
5. Brains
6. Brains
7. Brains
8. Brains
9. Brains
10. Mountain Dew

November 23, 2009

What hobos are thankful for this season

1. Sturdy bindle sticks
2. Pull-top cans of beans
3. Slow trains
4. A stew-pot and a bell can bankroll a trip south
5. Rubber souled shoes
6. Haystacks
7. Pies (or Hot Pockets) cooling on the window sill
8. Public libraries
9. Mountain Dew
10. Bread lines

November 22, 2009

What nerds are thankful for this season

1. Specialty graphic t-shirts
2. Archival storage supplies
3. Remastered re-releases
4. Mountain Dew
5. Easter Eggs
6. Olivia Munn
7. Price guides
8. Girls willing to accept back rubs (AKA the side boob)
9. Minutia
10. MMOGs

November 21, 2009

6 common excuses of a daily lister

1. It's late
2. My job hurt my brain
3. I shouldn't have had the fourth beer
4. I've already done that list
5. That sounds like a good idea but I don't feel like thinking.
6. If I would have started writing this two hours ago but it's too late now.

November 20, 2009

People who were not born in Australia

1. Nicole Kidman - born in Hawaii lived in DC until 3
2. Mel Gibson - born in Peekskill, NY, moved to Australia at 12
3. Colin Hay, lead singer of Men at Work - born in Scottland, moved to Australia at 14
4. Captain Kangaroo - turns out Kangaroo isn't his real name.
5. Errol Flynn - no wait, I got that backwards, he was born in Australia and moved here.
6. Russell Crowe - born in Australia's Canada, New Zealand

November 19, 2009

What New Moon is not

1. Literature
2. Culturally rich
3. Intended for adults
4. Original
5. Significant enough to explain every media outlets slavish devotion to promoting it.

November 18, 2009

5 reasons you are lowering the national IQ

1. Led Zepplin, The Doors, and Pearl Jam are considered popular "classic" rock bands.
2. Fox News viewers represent approximately 0.0068% of our population but they are confused and believe that they are a majority feel because fewer idiots watch MSNBC and CNN. (Numbers provided by a a laudatory Hollywood Reporter article and the Marxist US Census Bureau.)
3. Reality show producers convince millions that families like the Kardashians, people who sell houses, bakers, people who have digital cameras (currently known as ghost hunters), and mothers who exploit their children lead interesting lives filled with wacky adventures and fabulous adventures.
4. Whitney Houston, Brittany Spears, Mariah Carey continue to have come back. (Kudos for finally wising up about Madonna.)
5. Clothing stores are filled with distressed clothes which, although full-priced, are worn thin, frayed and filled with holes.

November 17, 2009

8 great enemy hordes

1. Nazis
2. Zombies
3. Orcs
4. Ninjas
5. Romulans
6. Aliens
7. Apes, a planet full of them
8. Commies

November 16, 2009

Who's trying to bring down Sarah Palin

1. John McCain's staff
2. Newsweek
3. Katie Couric
4. David Letterman
5. Canadian Shock Jocks
6. Newspapers
7. Russians (always breathing down her neck)
8. People who doubt her sparkiness

November 15, 2009

Honest to God* legal advice from Toyota concerning potential floor mat interference with the accelerator recall

1. Dislodge the floor mat and pull safely to the side of the road.
2. Use Sat-Nav to identify area pillow factories. Drive around the factory until you run out of gas.
3. Firmly and steadily step on the brake pedal with both feet.
4. Throw up hands to the heavens and begin singing "Jesus Take the Wheel."
5. Shift transmission gear selector to the neutral position and use the brakes to come to a controlled stop.
6. Leap from car and use tumbling body to come to an uncontrolled stop.
7. Turn off engine.
8. Question how stupid you must be if you don't know how to stop a car.

*more or less

November 14, 2009

5 reasons I have a hard time going to community theater performances

1. 1 minute of professional theater performace = 3 minutes of community theater performance so it becomes an endurance event.
2. It's awkward when the cast outnumbers the audience.
3. Everyone seems to use a cockney accent. (Fine for Oliver but weird for Oklahoma.)
4. The audience is composed of family members, other community theater people (who know that no one will come to their shows if they don't go to other's shows), and random old ladies who once dreamed of being a Ziegfeld girl.
5. It's wrong to encourage young people to waste perfectly good money going away to state colleges to study theater when they could get a bookkeeping certificate at a community college.

November 13, 2009

10 great cheese soufles from the 70s

1. Fox On The Run - Sweet
2. Run, Joey, Run - David Geddes
3. The Night Chicago Died -Paper Lace
4. Little Willie - Sweet (again!)
5. Hot Child In The City - Nick Gilder
6. Black Betty - Ram Jam
7. Long Tall Glasses -
8. The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgie - Vicki Lawrence
9. Billy Don't Be A Hero - Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
10. Ballroom Blitz - Sweet (again again!!)

November 12, 2009

5 websites for old movie fans

1. Turner Classic Movies
2. IMDB
3. Dr. Macro
4. Find A Grave - for closure
5. New York Times movie review archive Looking for a review of 1932's Doctor X by someone who doesn't live in their parent's basement? Here you can get a review written when it was first released. (If you don't want to subscribe to get access, Google NY Times movie review and the name of the movie and you're bound to find a cached page.

6. ???? any recommendations?

November 11, 2009

The down-side to be a tenured faculty member

1. It's nearly impossible to find an event with free food on a daily basis so you have to budget money to feed yourself. Meals should be provided.
2. 2 or 3 times a year, you have to cancel a week's worth of classes to fly to a tropical island to spend 30 minutes reading a paper to a group of 20 people who have already read your paper.
3. 10 AM classes require setting the alarm for at least 9:30
4. Self-righteous indignation requires a great deal of effort.
5. It is difficult to establish a properly elitist lifestyle when you have to be subjected to people in lower castes.

November 10, 2009

Potential names for my new band (once I develop a musical talent)

1. The Jamburglars
2. Nerds of Steel
3. Gin and Tectonics
4. The Hum Bugs
5. Salieri's Cellmates
6. The Honey Wannabees
7. H.R. Funk-n-stuff
8. Slap 'n Tickle (extra points if you can identify the tribute band connection.)
9. Caleb Caboose and the New Hobo Experience
10. My Daily Listz

November 9, 2009

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart?

1. Who again?
2. Are they t-shirt designers for awkward 19 year-old girls who are going to community college to hone their fan fic skills?
3. Are they "Jonas Brothers" whatever that is?
4. Are they birth control for teenagers heading off to college?
5. Are they plain looking sorts that seem attainable to the pudgy, pale, and unpopular?

November 7, 2009

The My Daily List fall fashion line.



















Brought to you by the official My Daily List embroiderer, Embroidea For all of your fine embroidery, contact Embroidea. If they can hoop it, they can sew it.

November 6, 2009

November 5, 2009

20 Johnny Mercer songs you ought to be listening to.

1. Glow Worm
2. Ac-cent-tchu-ate the Positive
3. Baby, It's Cold Outside
4. Satin Doll
5. Any Place I Hang My Hat Is Home
6. Strip Polka
7. On the Atchinson, Topeka, and Sante Fe
8. Fools Rush In
9. Button Up Your Overcoat
10. G.I. Jive
11. Skylark
12. Somethings Gotta Give
13. You Must Have Been A Beautiful Baby
14. Moon River
15. Jeepers Creepers
16. Blues in the Night
17. Dream
18. That Old Black Magic
19. Hooray For Hollywood
20. The Days of Wine and Roses

November 4, 2009

A few immutable laws of beer.

1. To buy good beer, look for cheap beer or expensive beer. Everything in the middle range is garbage marketed to people who don't really like beer but who need to be drunk in order to reproduce and/or to perpetuate their douchbaggery.
2. If you insist, you may add a lime or lemon wedge, a slice of orange for you Blue Moon weirdos, or tomato juice to your beer. You should avoid buying beer that adds these flavoring for you.
3. There is no such thing as a berry-flavored beer.
4. They make lite beer the same way the may lite pancake syrup - start with the original product and add water until you achieve your caloric goal. You can drink it if you insist but you could save 50% if you just bought regular beer and added your own water.
5. You don't need to go overboard, like wine experts, but you should be able to describe the taste of beer. If you can't, you're likely one of the people I described in #1.
6. You should avoid any beer labeled as "Ice" or marketed with mountains that turn blue when the bottle is ice-cold. If they tell you to drink it ice-cold, they're really telling you that you need to numb your taste buds since this stuff tastes skunky.
7. Yes, it is true. Krausening means that they've peed in the beer vat.

November 3, 2009

5 100-calorie packs I'm waiting to see in my grocery store.

1. Pot roast
2. Fried chicken
3. Nachos Supreme
4. Strawberry cream cheese croissant
5. Chilli (not misspelled.)

November 2, 2009

General impressions of Frazier . . . I mean Kelsey Grammar's new sitcom

1. Grammar seems to be represented by the same agency that gets reality show stars work in celebrity dunk tanks.
2. His character is suffering through bad economic times but lives in a house that at least as nice if not better than 80% of American homes - poor guy.
3. Straight line, punch line, straight line, punch line, straight line punch line, BLAM!! (That's a Nielson family blowing out their collective brains while watching.)
4. Precocious kids, crazy in-laws, and beleaguered wives sure are a laugh riot.
5. ABC chose to preempt an episode to show the 40 year old Charlie Brown Halloween special for the second time in the same week. Looks like the unemployment rate is about to soar.

November 1, 2009

On this Day of the Dead, 10 people who would make the world a better place if they were still among the living

1. Fred Astaire
2. Jim Henson
3. John Lennon
4. Jimmy Stewart
5. Flip Wilson
6. Bert Convey
7. Charles Nelson Reilly
8. Blossom Dearie
9. Larry Storch - no wait, still alive
10. Don Knotts

October 31, 2009

Things I saw too many of this Halloween

1. Cute little girls dressed as princesses at my front door when I hadn't bought any candy.
2. Average looking women trying too hard.
3. Men in panties, garters, and stockings - I'm not judging but it was cold.

October 30, 2009

10 things you should not be giving trick-or-treaters this Halloween.

1. Necco Wafers
2. Malt liquor
3. Zero candy bars - what's with that white, waxy mocklate?
4. Black licorice and/or black jelly beans
5. Halloween themed Peeps
6. Swedish Fish - gummy and tasteless all in one fish-shaped package
7. Sour candy. Are today's kids stupid? Candy is sweet, not sour.
8. Smith Brother's Cough Drops
9. Potato Salad - you really need to keep that stuff refrigerated or it'll go bad on you.
10. Individually wrapped dried plums. (They're prunes no matter how you market them.)

October 29, 2009

5 reasons that My Daily List hasn't been daily for a few days.

1. I ate a 5 pound bag of sugar and I've been in a coma.
2. I've been inconsolable since Louie Vito got kicked off Dancing With Stars. He should have gotten bonus points for having died in 1892. Wait, he's a snowboarder? I thought he was a 19th century French clothing designer.
3. I was walking a picket line until I spoke to my Bloggers Local 120 union steward and discovered that I don't belong to a union and that my union steward is really just a guy who walks his dog down my street every morning.
4. Middle managers have to deal with the idiots below them, the idiots above them, and the idiots standing next to them.
5. This woman keeps staring at me.


























.

October 26, 2009

10 bird songs

1. Blackbird
2. Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow (Theme from Baretta)
3. When Doves Cry
4. Fly Like An Eagle
5. Rockin' Robin
6. Dixie Chicken
7. Blue Jay Way
8. Canary in a Coalmine
9. Disco Duck
10. Skyline Pigeon

October 25, 2009

5 cream-filled donuts to avoid.

1. Creamed corn
2. Creamed herring
3. Brylcreme
4. Disreali Gears, Wheels of Fire, Goodbye and other Cream albums
5. CREEM Magazine - it's been out of print for 20 years so those issues are getting ripe.

October 24, 2009

5 signs that it's fall

1. Carmel apples
2. Hay bales
3. Yellow and red leaves
4. Bonfires
5. Douchebags shopping for Captain Condom Halloween costumes

October 23, 2009

5 reasons I don't love puppies

1. You can't get through a single play in touch football without them whining. And yelping.
2. They do pretty well if you if fluff their fur by running them through a dryer cycle but they are hand-wash only.
3. You can't eat just one.
4. By the time you clean the mirror and sink, you have to grab another one to scrub the toilet.
5.















.

October 22, 2009

5 reasons I love puppies

1. They float most of the time.
2. If dropped they tend to bounce - less so if thrown.
3. Pelts are perfectly sized for a single glove - so don't forget to buy a pair of them.
4. It's impossible to tie their tales together but they generally come from the pet store with a leash which makes the job a whole lot easier.
5. Unlike old dogs, which require a long, moist cooking method, they can be grilled.

October 21, 2009

5 signs that you may have Narcissistic tendencies

1. You sign your name with your full name, initials, and nickname in quotes.
2. You mark weight fluctuations in tenths of a pound (which may require holding one's breath.)
3. When, in the passage of casual social interaction, you are introduced to a woman, you respond, "whoa, hey, I'm married."
4. You delivered prepared speeches and deliver them in situations during which normal people would have a conversation.
5. You troll others personal blogs looking for posts that might be about you so that you can quietly feed your persecution complex.

October 20, 2009

The 10 traits of my dream secretary.

1. The ability to perform simple tasks without detailed instructions or heavy reliance upon the autonomic nerve system.
2. The ability to whine quietly WHILE doing work.
3. The ability to remember how to do something within the first 5 attempts at doing it.
4. The ability to forego a public annoucement of the need to pee.
5. The abilty to realize that on the ship of industry, your job is to row, not to steer or to complain about the steering or to say how you would steer or to discuss steering in any capacity.
6. The ability to allow simple things to be simple without needlessly complicating them.
7. The ability to realize that filing a union complaint will not make you everyone else's boss.
8. The ability to understand that the office temp is not your secretary - secretaries don't have secretaries.
9. The ability to do anything that doesn't involve blaming or creating the future opportunity to blame someone else.
10. The ability not to bad mouth everyone you've ever met including children and family members - we realize that we're part of everyone too.

October 19, 2009

Based solely upon anti-Nazi propaganda movies of the early 1940s, 5 positive traits of the Gestapo.

1. They really were attractive and physically fit.
2. Their clothes were always freshly pressed and they accessorized well.
3. Their devotion to military bands is refreshing.
4. They could really rock a monocle.
5. They were confident public speakers.

October 18, 2009

A complete list of Beatles "love" songs

1. Words of Love
2. And I Love Her
3. Can't Buy Me Love
4. You've Got To Hide Your Love Away
5. It's Only Love
6. All You Need Is Love
7. Love Me Do
8. She Loves You
9. PS I Love You
10. Love You To
11. All My Loving

October 17, 2009

5 key components to wedding receptions.

1. Cake
2. Free alcohol
3. Chicken Dances
4. Sir Mix-a-lot
5. People you've never met

October 14, 2009

Pairings that should be discouraged

1. Peanut butter and jellyfish
2. Jon and Kate
3. Ballerinas and banditos
4. Habenero chilies and bath water
5. Incompetent fools and pay checks
6. Diets and scales
7. Incompetent fools and oxygen
8. Brett Ratner and movie tickets
9. Pancakes washed down with a tall glass of ice-cold orange juice
10. Glenn Beck and pay checks (oh wait, I did that on already, how about Glenn Beck and rationale discourse.)

October 13, 2009

5 things they should add to the office supply catalog

1. Cast iron frying pans
2. Baseball bats
3. Giant boulders hanging from fraying ropes
4. Anvil
5. Straight jacket emitting bazookas

October 12, 2009

10 reasons that Chicago State University is great.

1. Campus roofs do not leak for the most part.
2. Tuesdays are sloppy joe day in campus food service.
3. Student life hires a comic hypnotist at least once a year.
4. Floors nicely swept, overall.
5. Each student gets an email address, just for enrolling.
6. Students get a couple weeks off every December.
7. It is the primary Midwestern supporter of the green cougar industry.
8. Easily accessible by public transportation.
9. Buildings are mostly warm on cold Chicago days.
10. Serves a predominantly poor population which might not otherwise be served.

October 11, 2009

5 great bloggers


Hey, look, I won something. Frank at I Probably Don't Like You just happened to be looking at blogs that compared Fred Astaire to Kanye West and this blog was deemed the best in that business. I am both remarkably deserving of this honor and humble in my acceptance but now I must spread the love. It seems like everyone at Humor Bloggers dot com has already won the award which only make sense. Nearly all of those people are knowledgeable of subject/verb agreement and many of them are writing the finest poop humor you'll find anywhere on the web. So, given their acknowledged success, I am going to single out interesting bloggers who are good friends of My Daily List.

1. From the great state of Minnesota, we have Michael River's Blog

2. From the Motor City, Big Mark and Star Like Grains of Sand in My Pocket

3. Another Minnesotan, Jeff and The View From My Cloud

4. From the great socialist state of Massachusetts (I think), Melody Singer

5. From Cape Town, Scott formerly Husband's Anonymous now Squid Squirts

Congratulations to these five whose blogs are actually interesting and not a bunch of soulless lists. Now you five must also pass along the love. Here are the details:
  • Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
  • Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
  • Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
  • Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

October 10, 2009

What other Illinois state universities think of Chicago State University

1. Smells like old milk
2. Has the endowment of a toddlers ballet school.
3. Committed to educating tomorrow's Chicago Transit Authority employees.
4. If you can make it there you can make it . . . oh wait, that's New York State University.
5. Chicago State - where you have less chance of graduating than you have of correctly answering the quesion, "how many fingers am I holding up." (Just in case your CSU student, you have a 16.6% chance of answering the question right while CSU graduates 16.2% of their students.)

October 9, 2009

7 reasons that Fred Astaire is cooler than Kanye West.

1. Fred Astaire was able to express dejection, love, passion, playfulness and dozens of other emotions with his singing and dancing. Kanye West is able to express unwarranted arrogance.
2. Fred Astaire's wardrobe expressed sophistication. Kanye West's wardrobe expresses douche.
3. Fred Astaire sang into a microphone. Kanye West sings into a computer with an auto-tuner.
4. Everything Fred Astaire did seemed effortless. Everything Kanye West does is forced.
5. Fred Astaire worked tirelessly and then let his dancing do the talking. Kanye West dropped out of one of the worst state universities in Illinois and never seems to shut up about his incredible intellect.
6. US Presidents tended to like Fred Astaire. US Presidents tend to think Kanye West is a jackass.
7. Fred Astaire's moldering corpse has more class and Kanye West and his entire posse.

October 8, 2009

Adjectives from work

1. lazy
2. shortsighted
3. apathetic
4. opportunistic
5. stupid
6. slothful
7. dormant
8. spiteful
9. worthless
10. chiseling

October 7, 2009

To-Do List

1. Rewrite Bible to remove liberal bias
2. Look into Jon Goslin's $200,000 withdrawal to fund his extravagant bachelor's pad in Trump Tower.
3. Find out where Khloe Kardashian is registered so that I can properly participate in her beautiful marriage to that basketball player she met.
4. Wait patiently for the chance to vote out that Carter kid. He can't dance and he's snooty.
5. Complain

October 6, 2009

5 reasons to hole-up at Gander Mountain in the event of a zombie invasion.

1. Guns and ammo, baby.
2. Not only are there boatloads of bows and arrow, certified instructors are on staff to train you.
3. Copious amounts of freeze-dried foods and jerky-based meat products
4. Camouflage and fox urine make you practically invisible to the zombie hoards when you feel the need to venture out.
5. Great buys on Wrangler jeans - Wrangler. There's a bit of the west in all of us.

October 5, 2009

10 ways to make faculty happy.

1. Map their daily paths and provide free food every 20 yards.
2. Thank them vociferiously for every bit of wisdom they pass along to you - "oh my, I could never had unlocked this door unless you were there to give me a 20 minute lecture of the process."
3. Institute "Bring Your Pillow To Work Day"
4. Make every day "Bring Your Pillow To Work Day"
5. Perfect a worried expression so that you can use it whenever they tell you how challenging it is to work 20 hours a week.
6. Find ways to pay them more and to promote them without any expectations.
7. Pat them on the head when they call a meeting to discuss the new cut and paste PC technology they've just discovered.
8. Create more week-long breaks.
9. Hire a dozen staff members to help them through their day-to-day duties, like brushing their hair, empty their bladders, and finding free food.
10. Provide them a bag of bread crumbs so that they might find their way from one place to another.

October 4, 2009

15 narrative Beatles songs with the lead character's name in the title.

1. Julia
2. The Continuing Story of Bungalow BIll
3. Rocky Racoon
4. Sexy Sadie
5. Lady Madonna
6. Hey Jude
7. Martha My Dear
8. Anna (Go To Him)
9. Eleanor Rigby
10. Doctor Robert
11. Michelle
12. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
13. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
14. Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite
15. Lovely Rita

October 3, 2009

Marie Claire listed the reasons men give for dumping women, but they missted these.

1. You got fat.
2. My World of Warcraft team deserves my full attention.
3. Remember that time you bent down and accidentally farted . . .
4. Sundays are not for antiquing
5. You need a check up from the neck up
6. Have you seen yourself in really bright light?
7. I was fine with fat but it's gotten out of hand and I can't date a woman unless I can carry her out of a burning building. It's a safety issue.
8. You've got the olds.
9. But I was drunk.
10. I was prepared for the fact that you'd end up looking like your mom but you're starting to look like your dad.

October 2, 2009

6 reasons that Rio beat out Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympics

1. Women in Rio have big round ba-dun-ka-dunk bottoms. Women in Chicago have big lumpy big-dump-a-truck bottoms.
2. The signature drink of Rio is the caipirinha. The signature drink of Chicago is gravy.
3. Chicago women get Brazilian waxes before they go to the beach. Rio women think they're stupid.
4. Rio is a cool song by Duran Duran. Chicago isn't
5. Jesus in Rio is 130 feet tall. Oprah in Chicago is 5 foot 6 1/2 inches.
6. Brazil's president is known as Lulu. The US president is known as the guy who insinuated himself into the non-political IOC selection process and move Chicago from a sure thing selection to a big waste of a lot of people's time.

October 1, 2009

Sure fire ways to tell the difference between a hobo and a hippie

1. Hobos travel from town to town in search of easy marks while hippies travel from town to town in search of Widespread Panic concerts.
2. Hobos save cigarette butts in an old styrofoam cup for later use while hippies save roaches in an old 35mm film canister for later use.
3. Hobos call bath day a "boil up" while hippies call bath day "applying for a job at the frame store."
4. Hippies can take an old tin and turn it into a bong while hobos can take an old tin can and turn it into a stew.
5. Hobos sleep in other people's barns while hippies sleep on other people's couches.

September 30, 2009

The wisdom of Rick Springfield

1. I'm so scared and isolated in a modern world. We all need a human touch.
2. Don't talk to strangers, baby don't you talk.
3. Bop 'til you drop. Don't stop 'til you get what you want.
4. Well all you want is a whole lot of money, all the rest is just jivin' honey.
5. Were we too busy checking out the left hand that we didn't see the right.

September 29, 2009

5 ways that douchebags can show their indiviuality

1. Bud Light Classic - all the taste of Budweiser once you've added water.
2. Bud Light Lime - the perfect choice for alcoholics with scurvy
3. Bud Light with Clamato - only available in large cans so that they'll last the entire walk home from the liquor store.
4. Bud Light Golden Wheat - for those who feel regular wheat is just not good enough for their beer.
5. Bud Light Ice - higher alcohol content puts you on ice quicker

September 28, 2009

Advice to hippies

1. Take a few moments away from protesting globalization to take a bath.
2. Dancing is the rhythmic or artistic interpretation of music, not that thing you do at Dave Matthews concerts.
3. In your living will, you should explain all of your tattoos so that your grandchildren will know what unimportant things you committed your mind to in your younger days.
4. Rastafari is an Afrocentric religious movement which rejects Western culture and not a cracker, hemp-based lifestyle that encourages one to stop washing or combing their hair.
5. Dogs do not like to wear neckerchiefs and to go to music festivals. The same is true of parrots and iguanas.

September 27, 2009

Foods named after people

1. Pizza Margherita
2. Peach Melba
3. Cesar Salad
4. Nachos
5. German Chocolate Cake
6. Bananas Foster
7. Cherry Garcia
8. Cobb Salad
9. Carpaccio
10. Oysters Rockefeller

September 25, 2009

Answers from the tenth round of trivia night

1. Fiona Apple/The Beatles - Across the Universe
2. Garth Brooks/KISS - Hard Luck Woman
3. Ray LaMontagne/Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
4. Aimee Mann/Coldplay - The Scientist
5. R.E.M./C.C.R. - Have You Ever Seen The Rain
6. Lily Allen/E.L.O. - Mr Blue Sky
7. Sugarland/Beyonce - Irreplaceable
8. Tori Amos/Elton John - Tiny Dancer
9. The White Stripe/Dolly Parton - Jolene
10. Will Farrell/Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

September 24, 2009

8 potential 2026 yearbook pictures for my nephew

Thanks to some sophisticated physio-anthropological software on my iPhone, I am able to peek 17 years into the future to see what my nephew will look like based solely on a photo from his Christening day. Here are the option depending upon this life-choices:









































.

September 23, 2009

5 balloons that suck

1. Angioplasty balloon
2. Balloon payments
3. Pokemon balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving parade
4. A water balloon filled with pee
5. The new Jay Leno show (that one's really going over like a lead balloon.)

September 22, 2009

5 totally fascinating things that happened on Facebook today.

1. Bob reached the next level in Mafia Wars.
2. Phyllis scored Super Glue on the What Inanimate Object Are You quiz.
3. Joannie is totally wrecked in an imaginary drinking game.
4. Sally collected 20 iheart graphics.
5. Harvey took the Which Classic Hollywood Starlet Are You - he's a Marilyn Monroe.

September 21, 2009

Advice to America's youth from Walter Breuning, the world's oldest man, on his 113th birthday.

1. zzzzzzzzzz *snort* zzzzzzzzzzzzz
2. Shut up ya little monsters
3. What we need is a good war . . .
4. What? Who's Burt Day? Are you Burt Day?
5. When I was a boy, only sailors and whores got tattooed.
6. You remind me of a young Ruby Keeler.
7. Pull up your pants.
8. If I weren't a world record holder, I'd put you over my knee.
9. I don't care what Eisenhower thinks, 50 is way too many states.
10. Did I pee?

September 20, 2009

5 key elements of Julie Roberts appeal.

1. Her chicklet teeth.
2. Her dead soulless eyes.
3. Her Heath-Ledger-Joker mouth.
4. Her wooden acting style.
5. The fact that she rarely makes movies anymore.

September 19, 2009

Movies from the 1980s that I probably never need to see again.

1. Breakfast Club
2. Any Police Academy movie
3. 48 Hours
4. Any Nightmare on Elm Street movie
5. Cocktail (ok, I've never actually watched but still . . .)
6. Goonies (sorry those who saw it as kids and love it, it's a bad movie)
7. Break dancing movies
8. Mask (although thanks for helping me learn the meaning of penultimate - it really helped on the ACT.)
9. Princess Bride (I'm only listing this to get the ladies riled up.)
10. Scarface (it's not as good as you think.)

September 18, 2009

Mostly forgotten 80's movies that might be worth another look.

1. Quest for Fire
2. My Beautiful Laundrette
3. The Boy Who Could Fly
4. Angel Heart
5. Brazil
6. Dangerous Liaisons
7. Dreamscape
8. The Last Starfighter
9. The Man With Two Brain (okay, I've seen this one more than any other movie)
10. My Bodyguard
11. Paperhouse
12. Valley Girl
13. Smooth Talk

September 17, 2009

Types of dog vomit you might step in while walking barefoot through my house

1. Unchewed treats
2. Mostly water, partly phlegm
3. Things and that shouldn't have been eaten covered in slime.
4. Dinner (Looks just like what you put in the bowl except warmer and wetter. Generally considered edible.)
5. Re-vomit (The effect of eating vomit #4 too quickly.)

September 16, 2009

Pile on Kanye!!

1. Most people got to ignore the fact that Leno's back but he had to attend a taping.
2. His untreated diseased of the central nervous system caused him to involuntarily run onstage at the Video Music Awards.
3. Obama correctly assessed him to be a jackass.
4. Comedy Central replayed the fishsticks episode of South Park
5. The hair cut seems like good idea but now it's taking forever to grow in.

September 15, 2009

10 facts about Leonard Rhomberg who is celebrating his 50th anniversary at McDonald's he started working at when he was 18.

1. He never played the "I quit" card so he never got that Saturday night off and missed every wedding he was ever invited to attend.
2. Has been told, "What? Are you an idiot?"40,000 times.
3. Required to clean vomit out of Playland's ballpit 2000 times.
4. Did not wash hands after using the bathroom 8000 times.
5. Has spit on hundreds of thousands of hamburgers.
6. Has earned more nickel per hour raises than any other American
7. Always like "You Deserve A Break Today" but just doesn't get "I'm Lovin' It." Shouldn't they be trying to attract those who aren't loving it?
8. He assumes that brown polyester is "in".
9. Helped Bush carry Missouri in 2000 and 2004 because he voted for Mayor McCheese.
10. Suggested the "meat bones" in the McRib but did not receive a sizable bonus when he shouted out "that's what she said" at a management retreat.

September 14, 2009

10 reasons why I should be famous.

1. I need a good reason to claim that I'm exhausted.
2. I forget what I look like so it would be convenient to be on magazine covers.
3. The world would be a better place with my clothing line and personal fragrance collection.
4. There's a gap in the fame matrix now that no one really cares about Wilmer Valderrama.
5. I have more free time since I don't have eight kids so I could do more famous things on a daily basis.
6. I need people to give me lots of money for agreeing to be drunk in their bar.
7. I don't drive particularly fast so I wouldn't be a public danger when the paparazzi chased me.
8. Once I was famous, I'd end up being friends with everyone else who is famous and I could finally give Whitney Houston a piece of my mind.
9. I think collecting babies from other countries sounds interesting.
10 Without fame, I don't really exist.

September 13, 2009

The backbones of the salad bowl.

1. Rocket
2. Endive
3. Iceberg
4. Romaine
5. Bibb
6. Watercress
7. Radicchio
8. Spinach
9. Mesclun
10. Arugula

September 11, 2009

The Tea-Baggers are back! Ok, you can stop paying taxes as long as you agree to the following concessions.

1. You are no longer allowed to use streets or highways.
2. You are now officially responsible for educating your children rather than just telling everyone else what should be taught in public schools.
3. You must buy large hoses to put out your house if it catches fire.
4. If you end up in jail, you must pay room and board.
5. You are no longer allowed to vote in every election.
6. You know those community college - your tuition is 10x as high.
7. You must pay for 100% of your business costs - no more subsidies, incentive, or loopholes.
8. Military protection will require either a subscription or fee per use.
9. You may only access health care if 100% of all associated research was funded by private industry.
10. Senators and Congressional Representatives now cost twice as much - former Reps. like Dick Armey will remain cheap as chips.

September 10, 2009

5 Powell/Pressburger movies you should watch so you can sound more interesting to your highbrow friends.

1. The Life and Times of Colonel Blimp
2. The Red Shoes
3. The 49th Parallel
4. I Know Where I'm Going
5. Black Narcissus - easily the best horny nun in the Himalayas movie ever made.

September 9, 2009

Anagrams for "Glenn Beck is a moron."

Greenback Inn Looms
Semblance Goon Rink
Embracing Kens Loon
A Noblemen Corks Gin
Blacken Omens Groin
A Broken Con Mingles
Beacon Longer Minks
A Cob Kneeling Morns
Backing Lemon Snore
A Globe Corn Kinsmen
A Benign Clerk Moons
Backlog Nine Sermon
A Broken Minces Long
Bacon Leering Monks
A Comb Kennel Signor
A Bronc Legmen Oinks

September 8, 2009

5 mostly true facts about Glenn Beck.

1. He is pursuing a stand-up comedy career.
2. He cuts his own hair while looking at his image reflected in the knob on the cabinet in which he keeps his cereal.
3. His first job at Fox was Tucker Carlson's fluffer.
4. He also cries when he gets stopped for a speeding ticket, during tax audits, when advertisers abandon his show - pretty much whenever he thinks squirting a few will help.
5. He doesn't necessarily believe what he says. He just imagines what you need to hear to add credence to your craziest beliefs because it makes him a LOT of money.

September 7, 2009

8 indications that I'm getting old

1. Youngsters annoy me.
2. Today's music is just noise
3. I like those pants with the invisible elastic - sansabelt
4. MLC Cafeteria is my new favorite restaurant (if you don't live near one, MLC is like a rave but with old people and at 4:30 in the afternoon rather than 4:30 in the morning.)
5. I think I have lumbago.
6. My bathroom drawer if filled with antacids, baby aspirin, sensitive toothpaste, and statin drugs.
7. The music I listened to in high school is considered retro.
8. I'm getting hard of hearing due to the tufts of hair in my ears.

September 6, 2009

5 reasons I'm rewatching LOST from the beginning.

1. I still have no idea what the monster is.
2. 10 episodes the main characters caged in a zoo must mean something.
3. Nikki and Paulo must have done something before they died.
4. I keep playing those number in the lottery and I haven't won so there must be a trick I haven't noticed.
5. To get lost in Sawyer blue eyes before the final season. (The first time through, I got stuck in a dimple and didn't make it to the eyes.)

September 5, 2009

You know you're a commie if . . .

1.  You went to a school that taught Liberal Arts.
2.  You think Giterdone is the title of a self-help movement.
3.  You've donated money to your local PBS station.
4.  You have a pre-existing condition.
5.  Your stomach resides somewhere beneath your pants and/or shirt.
6.  You think the North won.
7.  You type your lists on a Mac
8.  You don't use the word "ve-hick-al" but if you did, your vehicle would get more than 18 MPG.
9.  You turn to sad movies rather than Glenn Beck whenever you need a really good cry.
10. A God-fearing, gun-toting, hasn't-the-light-of-day-for-years-'cause-Fox-News-is-on-24-hours-a-day, America-loving person tells you that you're a commie.  (They know that the Communist Party quietly took over the US through our schools since LBJ was in office and they are the only people who can actually see Commies so you have to believe them when the tell you that you are one.)

September 4, 2009

Why I turned off The Spirit after 15 minutes

1.  It was poorly written
2.  It was poorly directed
3.  It was poorly acted
4.  It bore no resemblance to its source material
5.  Allowing Samuel L. Jackson and Eve Mendes to appear in the same movie is like allowing a goat to fly a plane.  

September 3, 2009

The September banned list - please update your systems accordingly.

1. Divas
2. Madonnas (living)
3. Hasselhoffs
4. Hurricanes
5. Overly produced reality shows (you may edit but don't arrange reality for them)
6. Cell phone holsters
7. Mojitos
8. Rachael Ray baby talk words
9. Rachael Ray
10. Vampires on television and in movies

September 2, 2009

10 things I'd want from Windows 7, if I were going to buy it

1. It should turn on and be ready to use within 5 minutes
2. It should allow me to do what I'd like to do within asking me if I really want to do it.
3. It should easily allow me to reformat my hard-drive and reinstall it once my system is corrupted. Because my system will become corrupted.
4. It should come with a detailed, simple-to-use control panel that allows me to turn off all the junk I don't want to use and which is slowing my system to a crawl.
5. It should allow me to choose an Internet-Only mode which commits 100% of my system resources to this relatively simple task.
6. It should do 20 things well rather than 1000 things poorly.
7. It should protect me from viruses through smart design rather than by preventing me from doing the work I need to get done.
8. It should realize that I'm just some guy writing a blog and not some multi-national corporation with a million employees and 2 million computers and peripherals.
9. It should recognize the millions of times that a program stops responding and figure out why.
10. It should never enter my mind. Tools are for use, not analysis.

September 1, 2009

Judging criteria for Miss Cougar America

15% - creative spackling
15% - aura of desperate sluttiness
15% - fashion statement employing Hello Kitty wear and tiny backpacks
15% - commitment to tanning bed (spray tan allowed but includes a deduction)
15% - hormonal facial hair grooming
15% - boob job
15% - willingness to stand on a stage in front of a bunch of horny men at an age when you should have a greater sense pride and self-worth.

August 31, 2009

If my job were food it would be . . .

1. A stack of pancakes with maple syrup washed down with a big class of grapefruit juice.
2. Braunschweiger soup
3. Peppermint tongue sandwich
4. Rechewed beans
5. A stew made from idiots, incompetents, leeches, and the otherwise unemployable.

August 30, 2009

Really good documentaries I watched I Roku

1. Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession
2. King of Kong
3. I Like To Kill Flies
4. Harvard Beat Yale 29-29

August 29, 2009

10 arguments in the same vein as "It was an awfully cool August so there's no such thing as global warming."

1. I didn't die today so I must be immortal.
2. I didn't have to go into work today so I must be unemployed.
3. It's not my birthday so I must have been created in a lab.
4. Mike Tyson has never thrown a punch at me so he must be afraid of me.
5. I love chicken so I must be a rooster.
6. I looked at the calendar so I must be able to see the future.
7. I'm typing this list so my name must be Gutenberg
8. The sky is red at sunset so I must be on Mars.
9. Heidi Montag danced on TV so she must be talented.
10. No one called me a moron today so I must be a genius.

August 28, 2009

Things that are tucked inside H.R. 3200 - for God's sake read the bill!

1. Cash for Kidneys organ harvesting program
2. Government mandated cancer
3. Government option is a punchcard which allows five medical contacts per year - but you get a free bottle of Viagra if you use all of the punches.
4. Tic Tac mints now considered analgesics
5. Morgues required to hire recruiters for Obama's army of the undead
6. Democratic precinct chairs allowed to smother random grandmothers


August 27, 2009

10 things, other than ketchup, that are tasty with french fries.

1. Habanero honey (this is also my stripper name)
2. Cocktail sauce
3. Welsh rarebit sauce
4. Vinegar
5. Gravy
6. Oregano and lemon juice
7. Chipotle mayonnaise
8. BBQ sauce
9. Honey mustard
10. Milkshake

August 26, 2009

10 words you can use to insult stupid people

1. Prevaricate
2. Abscond
3. Finagle
4. Controvert
5. Repine
6. Atrabilious
7. Pernicious
8. Edacious
9. Rapacious
10.
Anesthetic

August 25, 2009

Plaid things that are kinda cool

1. Scotch Brand Invisible Tape
2. Rowdy Roddy Piper
3. Butterscotch Schnapps bottles
4. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
5. Catholic school girl skirts
6. 80's era burn-out shirts

August 24, 2009

6 dicey live-action children's programs from my youth

1. The Harlem Globetrotters Popcorn Machine - with Rodney Allen Rippy
2. Shazam/Isis
3. Eltra-Woman and Dynagirl/Dr. Shrinker
4. Far Out Spacenuts - with Bob Denver
5. The Ghostbusters - with Larry Storch
6. The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Hour with Rod Hull and his angry emu

August 23, 2009

What to expect on the first day of the school year.

1. No parking spaces
2. Returning students happy to be back (until the homework starts)
3. People who look lost
4. Crazy people (they always come out of the woodwork and decide that the first day of the year is the best day to decide to go back to school.)
5. Girls wearing their "first day of school" outfits.
6. People wearing pajamas in public.
7. Financial aid cons skipping out now that they have their money.

August 22, 2009

State fair combinations that I enjoy

1. Corn dogs and lemon shake-ups
2. Tube tops and tans
3. Carnival rides and screaming kids
4. Rainstorms and beer tents
5. Curry and import beer
6. Hot grease and things on sticks
7. Gaudy lights and cool breezes
8. Butter cows and cream puffs

August 21, 2009

10 State Fair combinations I could do without.

1. Cankles and stretch pants
2. Eating dinner and the wafting aroma a cow dung
3. Cheap beer and high prices
4. Cover bands and functional auditory organs
5. Old ladies and prison tats
6. Large pedestrian crowds and idiots driving golf carts
7. Sham-wow barkers and holy-rollers
8. Red-necks and T-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
9. Carnival rides and not having a last will and testament
10. 80's rock bands and songs from their new albums

August 20, 2009

More productive uses for cable news people

1. Spittoons
2. Door stops. (This will require them to develop a higher-level skill set.)
3. Boiler fuel for low-income housing. (Glenn Beck could heat a Chicago tenement for the entire month of February.)
4. Toilet paper
5. Footballs. (Whenever someone did something stupid, my grandmother would suggest that they should use their heads for something besides a football. Lots of footballs on cable news.)
6. Soylent Green, although that stuff's made from humans so maybe not.
7. Boxes of rocks
8. Douche nozzles
9. Garbage cans
10. Sorry, I tried to come up with 10 but these jerks don't really have any productive use.

August 19, 2009

Other people who we might stash away in Gitmo.

1. Vegans
2. People who use the word "bling"
3. Everyone appearing on a reality show broadcast on E!, TLC, or Bravo including any Real Housewife or people with too many children.
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Lazy PhDs
6. Anyone who tells it like it is - it's never quite how they tell it.
7. Women who drive black SUVs
8. Cable news people. (I know I say this all the time but the world would be immediately improved if we drowned them all like an unwanted litter of kittens.)
9. Tweens (They might be productive citizens if we separated them from society now.)
10. Me. (This is easier than putting the rest of you morons there.)

August 18, 2009

10 indications that My Daily List has jumped the shark

1. There's only so many things you can say about hobos, junk food, old movies, and Sarah Palin.
2. Other bloggers show the common decency to quit blogging after a month or so.
3. The first 500 lists were a desperate cry for attention. The second 500 are proving to be just desperate.
4. No longer able to get a surge of readers by writing a list about nerds. (The Boy Who Cried Nerd)
5. Lists now take either 8 hours to write or 5 minutes to slop together.
6. Other list blogs have sold out so listing has lost it's indie edge.
7. Vast readership has abandoned the blog in favor of more entertaining and productive endeavors like picking scabs, sitting at the mall staring at teenage girls, and reforming healthcare.
8. Most of my readers are moms and that is sooo not cool.
9.  This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.  This is my brain on lists.
10. Most lists now written by Cousin Oliver.

August 17, 2009

Top ten leading ladies of the past decade

Jeve wondered who today's Top Ten might be so here's my shot:

1. Sandra Bullock (ok)
2. Meryl Streep (ok)
3. Renee Zellweger (Spongebob Scrunchface)
4. Angelina Jolie (meh)
5. Jessica Alba (she would be great in those Old Navy mannequin commercials)
6. Jennifer Aniston (I think she makes movies in between topless magazine covers and articles about how much she misses Brad.)
7. Keira Knightly (she does not have an eating disorder)
8. Cameron Diaz (she's her own biggest fan)
9. Scarlett Johansson (she's got some big talents)
10. Dakota Fanning (more talented than almost all of these ladies)

August 16, 2009

In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading ladies of the Depression era.

1. Barbara Stanwyck
2. Kay Francis
3. Jean Arthur
4. Irene Dunne
5. Myrna Loy
6. Bette Davis
7. Carole Lombard
8. Kathryn Hepburn
9. Jean Harlow
10. Ginger Rogers

August 15, 2009

In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading men of the Depression era.

1. Cary Grant
2. Spencer Tracy
3. James Cagney
4. Clark Gable
5. William Powell
6. Robert Montgomery
7. Gary Cooper
8. Paul Muni
9. Charles Laughton
10. Fredric March

August 14, 2009

5 things comic nerds have been up to since Comic Con

1. Just coming up for air after weeks of reading back issues.
2. Tirelessly logging their displeasure with the GI Joe movie on website throughout the Internet.
3. Getting a head start on next year's costume so that they can live down this year's male camel toe fiasco.
4. Waiting for that cosplay girl to call - hopefully she didn't lose your number.
5. Slowly returning to a post-con, real-world life devoid of cleavage and filled with disappointment.

August 13, 2009

What you need to do to dismantle MY America.

1. Close all of the sno-cones stands.
2. Ban iPhone games.
3. Pay attention to morons who repeat what they've been told.
4. Add fruit flavors to beer.
5. Repeat what you've been told.
6. Make it illegal to lie on the couch.
7. That thing you heard . . . repeat it.
8. Tell me that I can't strut.
9. What you hear on TV or the radio. It's true. Repeat it as if it's fact.
10 Allow morons, who accept everything they've been told as fact without investing any effort to educate themselves or to pursue any critical review of those "facts", to control our public discourse.

August 12, 2009

what I did with all my free time today

1. Took a brisk walk to the end of my desk and back
2. Hurried
3. Exhaled
4. Worried about the dismantling of my America
5. Stupid list

August 10, 2009

What Rep. Redstate actually has on his Day Planner

8:00 - 900 - Wake up!!! I don't care which whore you woke up next to, get to the office.
9:00 - 9:45 - Score some coke.
9:45 - 10:00 - Ask staffers what you should think. Check out the new pages. Schwing.
10:00 - 12:00 - morning sesssion, it's gonna be a long night, catch some ZZZZs
12:00 - 1:00 - Quickie
1:00 - 3:00 - Afternoon session - try that Twitter thing
3:00 - 4:00 - Tell the pages you're doing job interviews (don't tell them what kind of job you want)
4:00 - 5:00 - Get talking points from Party - suggest "Obama's Death Committee"
5:00 - 6:00 - Pick up penicillin, salve
6:00 - 10:00 - Pharm. lobbyist. Do exactly as they tell you but get the money first.
10:00 - 10:15 - Call you know who. Make sure no one has found that hooker's body.
10:15 - 10:30 - Make a call - get rid of you know who.

What Rep. Redstate would like you to think is his Day Planner has in store for him.

8:00 - 9:00 - Prayer breakfast
9:00 - 9:45 - Read all of the bills currently under discussion - take your time and read slowly and carefully.
9:45 - 10:00 - Quietly reflect upon the sanctity of marriage
10:00 - 12:00 - Morning session
12:00 - 1:00 - Listen to Rush, eat sandwich
1:00 - 300 - Afternoon session
3:00 - 4:00 - shoot and field-dress moose.
4:00 - 5:00 - pray, clean gun
5:00 - 6:00 - Dr's appointment (don't worry, it's free)
6:00 - 10:00 - Meet with pharm. reps about grassroots movement. Get $$$
10:00 - 10:15 - Pray, count $$$
10:15 - 10:30 - Call wife, pray as a couple, discussing shooting something.

August 9, 2009

10 favorite iPhone games.

1. Fieldrunners
2. The Deep (pinball)
3. Squares
4. Flight Control
5. Peggle
6. Unblock Me
7. Nine Gaps
8. The Price Is Right
9. Moonlights
10. Movie Lights

(I should probably be doing something more productive)

August 7, 2009

Did I mention I saw the world's scariest bug? Here are some other bugs.

This bad boy was an inch long

1. Dune Buggy by The Presidents of the United States
2. Bugs Bunny
3. The Bugaloos - like H.R. Puffinstuff but with bugs
4. Marty Feldman - he was bug-eyed
5. Scrooge - bah, humbug!

UPDATE: It appears that this may be a velvet ant which is a wingless wasp often called a cow killer because their sting is so painful it is said to be enough to kill a cow.

August 6, 2009

A plan in development: How to deal with the national crisis that is E! televsion network.

1. Airlift Joel McHale and his fellow writers to a better basic cable network.
2. Poison the vats of spray-tan in the TMZ
3. Make the paparazzi an offer they can't refuse.
4. Sit down with the Kardashians and have a heart-to-heart talk in which they come to the realization that they are uninteresting and pudgy.
5. Have Obama make a national address in which he explains that the concept of celebrity news may exist but that "news" implies more than reading US Magazine on the air or telling us that some 14 year-old starlet thinks she'll be a good mom.
6. If Obama national address doesn't work, activate National Guard.

August 5, 2009

sugar is to sweet as Dead Head is to . . .

1. Entering third decade of living in parents' house.
2. Needs a bath, haircut, shave.
3. Isn't sure where they left their van.
4. Has desperately searched for meaning in other jam bands since 8/9/95.
5. Staring at what might be a fly on the ceiling . . .wait, no just a shadow. Still, that's a pretty cool shadow 'cause it looks just like a fly.
6. Making pancakes.
7. Thinking about going back to school (where sleeping late and accomplishing nothing is an acceptable lifestyle.)
8. Trying to get the band together tonight.
9. Sitting in a job interview explaining that dreads have antecedents in island culture and are not the result of not shampooing.
10. Truckin' (for what that's worth.)

August 4, 2009

My life (my life) would not suck (would not suck) without you.

1. Comcast Cable
2. Politicians
3. Richard Marx
4. Tie-dyed shirts
5. Unnecessarily fat people (chunky is fine, big-boned is fine, but stop at 14 trips to the buffet already, you can't even walk.)
6. "Experts"
7. Drama queens - men and women
8. Paula Abdul - oops, never mind
9. Anyone who waits until August and then think "hey, I oughts ta go back ta school."
10. Daily List

August 3, 2009

Why yesterday's list didn't appear until today

1. Comcast employees occasionly mistake wires for black licorice.
2. Comcast Internet service is designed to work ONLY if you don't use it.
3. I keep forgetting that there are usage limitations: 50Kb per day.
4. Comcast policy (my true understanding): until you pay us to come out to investigate why our system isn't working, our opinion is that it's working just fine - if you weren't so stupid, you'd understand.
5. Oh yeah, I forgot, Comcast sucks.
(To be clear, I've not had a problem with any of the cable systems in my town until Comcast came in and, within moments, started sucking. As I've noted before, the first thing they did was to add a $10 modem rental fee to my bill. When I called to report that I owned my modem, they responded, "We don't know who does or doesn't own their modems so we charged everyone.)

August 2, 2009

Mydailylist's guide to understanding the symptoms of depression (and determining if you need a happy pill.)

1. Do you not want to get up in the morning to go to your soul-numbing job?
2. When meeting others, do you wish you could punch them in the face?
3. In the morning, do you have difficulty choosing between rum and corn flakes for breakfast?
4. Do you care/worry about Brangelina? Is it happy?
5. Do you deep-fry salads, Tubby?
6. Do you feel the constant pressure of writing lists?
7. Did you buy a dog so you'd have something to kick?
8. Did you get married so you'd have something to kick?
9. In recent weeks, did you feel you had no other option but to leave your position in Alaska state government?
10. When you saw the new Michael Phelps Subway commercial, did you argue to the point of tears that that song couldn't possibly be called Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.

August 1, 2009

10 comic book movies I'd like to see (and might get to soon in some cases.)

1.  Fables
2.  Dr. Strange
3.  Preacher
4.  Kick Ass
5.  Micronauts 
6.  Moon Shadow
7.  American Flagg
8.  She-Hulk (the clever series not that other junk)
9.  Y: The Last Man 
10.  Archie Vs. The Punisher

July 31, 2009

Archetypes from your local semi-pro baseball team

1. The Unwashed
2. The Middle-Aged Floozy
3. The Drunks
4. The Formerly Popular in High School Now Bald Douche Guy
5. The Trampy Librarian
6. The Drunk-Driving Convicting BMX-Riding Guy With A Mullet
7. Super Fan
8. Seemingly Parentless Children
9. Braless (men and women)
10. Fat Guy's With World Series Rings

July 30, 2009

5 things that Sarah Palin had done since she left office.

1. Took up smoking, bought the patch, quit the habit.
2. Enrolled in Intro to American Government course at the University of Alaska Southeast. Dropped out.
3. Join gym, worked out once, stopped going.
4. Join Columbia House music club, bought required CDs, canceled membership
5. Watched "Brokeback Mountain" and is convinced she could quit Jake Gyllenhaal.

July 29, 2009

Attention TV Big Shots: Here are some dating shows you haven't forced upon us yet.

1. A handsome man finds love among a group of college girls and AARP members - Age Before Booty.
2. A librarian finds her socially awkward dream man and reshelves the others - Dewey Love Me or Dewey Not?
3. Sixth-graders compete for dream dates to Disney World - Tweens Gone Wild!!
4. A terminal ill hunk finds love from a group of 24 hospice nurses - I Can't Live Without You
5. A fine, upstanding girl picks the most righteous of 24 suitors but when it's time for him to propose, she reveals that she's a porn star - The Harlot Bride

July 28, 2009

6 Academy Award Best Pictures that most have not watched but which you should watch as soon as possible.

1. It Happened One Night - You'll see this movie reflected in hundreds of other movies produced in the decades that followed. And, it's still funny.
2. You Can't Take It With You - Everything I wrote above applies here as well.
3. The Best Years of Our Lives - Includes the most romantic scene ever filmed (in which a husband and wife discuss love with their daughter by telling her how often they've hated one another.) If you actually love someone, you'll be nodding in agreement that this is the most romantic scene ever filmed.
4. Marty - Ugly people are loveable too. One of the best movies you'll ever watch.
5. The Apartment - Billy Wilder's best movie, which is saying a LOT.
6. Shakespeare in Love - This was well received but it has the word Shakespeare in its title so many avoided it. You don't need a lit degree to enjoy this one.

July 27, 2009

My least favorite Academy Award winning Best Pictures

1.  The Life of Emile Zola - who the hell is Emile Zola? I've watched it and Paul Muni is always great to watch but still . . . yawn.
2.  Around the World in 80 Days - seemed like it lasted 100 days.
3.  Terms of Endearment - based upon this, you'd think James L. Brooks made his name writing soap operas rather than classic TV comedy
4.  Forrest Gump - he was part of every tedious CGI moment of the 60s and 70s
5.  The English Patient - there's nothing more enjoyable than a burn victim
6.  Crash - it's like an After School Special rolled in poop

The Greatest Show on Earth is often referenced as the worst Best Picture winner but I'm only listed movies I'm been able to watch all of the way through.


July 26, 2009

US cities that would make refreshing smoothies.

Oops, I posted this to the wrong blog yesterday.

1. Orange Beach, Alabama
2. Citrus Heights, California
3. Lemon Grove, California
4. Applewood, Colorado
5. Orange, Connecticut
6. Coconut Creek, Florida
7. Fruitland, Georgia
8. Mt. Carmel, Illinois
9. Lime Springs, Iowa
10. Plum Springs, Kentucky
11. Belchertown, Massachusetts

July 25, 2009

5 evolutionary traits of nerds including those that give them the edge over jocks.

1. Nerds convert Mountain Dew and Skittles into follicle and facial oils, which act as irritants to jock flesh.
2. Glee club provides an opportunity to develop relationships with cute girls who might defend them.
3. A doughy physique absorbs the impact of jock punches. Jocks have developed an evolutionary response in the "pink belly" since it deals it damage to the surface of nerds.
4."Continuity", particularly in terms of Star Wars and Star Trek, is a mating ritual. Male nerds who are able retain episode numbers and plot summaries are more likely to mate with female nerds.
5. Information technology careers provide more stable income than the insurance and car sales jobs performed by most jocks.

July 24, 2009

10 unintentional Comic-Con costumes

1.  Mullet Man
2.  Desperate Virgin 
3.  The Completist
4.  The Sinister Cleavage Glancer
5.  Jiggles, The Sonic Pot-Belly
6.  Unfortunate Tattoo Girl
7.  Margot Kidder
8.  The Uncanny Basement Dweller
9.  Random Normal Guy
10.  Harry Pothead

July 23, 2009

Most talented siblings

1.  Alec Baldwin
2.  Michael Penn
3.  Jeb Bush
4.  Lionel Barrymore
5.  Warren Beatty
6.  Pauline Esther Friedman
7.  Loretta Lynn
8.  Olivia DeHaviland
9.  Jim Belushi
10.  James Arness
11.  Shemp Howard - Don't even comment Moe or Curly.  Shemp is king.
12.  Joan Cusack


July 22, 2009

Tips to help you start your career as a carny.

1.  You should expect to provide your own tee-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
2.  Fancy professional tattoos are fine but employers will be looking for prison tattoos.  You do not need to have spent time in prison - just get an ink pen and a needle and then poke away.
3.  Not all carnival ride systems use color coded tickets. You should be prepared to count.
4.  Most of your diet will consist of food fried on sticks but this doesn't mean you shouldn't carry knife.
5.  During your interview, don't bogart that spleef.  The carny life is all about sharing.
6.  A classic carny interview tactic involves the juke box (interviews tend to be in bars.)  The interviewer will hand you a dollar and tell you to pick a song.  The correct answer is Rock Me Like A Hurricane by The Scorpions.
7.  Creepiness is to be encouraged. 
8.  Never go into an interview unless you are gloriously tanned.  Pale folks aren't carny material.
9.  If the interviewer asks about Carny Wilson, act like you don't know her.

July 21, 2009

8 cars that kinda scare me.

1. AMC Hornet
2. Dodge Super Bee
3. Ford Shelby Cobra
4. Plymouth Fury
5. Dodge Demon
6. Plymouth Barracuda
7. Ford Torpedo Runabout
8. Mercury Cyclone

July 20, 2009

July 19, 2009

Great funny movie series kids should be watching (better these than the junk they're watching on cable TV.)

1.  Ma and Pa Kettle
2.  The Bowery Boys
3.  Francis the Talking Mule
4.  Abbott and Costello
5.  Maisie
6.  Road movies
7.  Blondie
8.  Andy Hardy

July 18, 2009

Observations on perimenopausal waitresses and exposed boob flesh.

1.  A customer should never see a boob tattoo.
2.  A cami-top does not become appropriate waitress attire just because you're wearing your dress bra with it.
3.  If your stomach extends further from your spine than your boobs, then your boobs should be covered.
4.  If your boobs have the appearance of an old balloon that is no longer inflated, then your boobs should be covered.
5.  If any two of the following adjectives apply to your boobs, then your boobs should be covered:  speckled, wrinkled, tanned (as in leather), pockmarked, stretchmarked, hickie, poorly enhanced.
6.  If your boobs have finished their shift, then they should not be sitting at the bar drinking.  Your boobs should go home and cover themselves.
7.   If the boob within your bra is held firm but the old fleshy boob up near your chin(s) jiggles uncontrollably, then your boobs should be covered.
8.  Whatever it is that you're carrying to my table, it should not come into contact with your boobs, in particular your exposed boob skin.

July 17, 2009

Women's names that also happen to be pretty good songs.

1.  Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkle
2.  Gloria by Laura Brannigan (not Van Morrison)
3.  Amie by Pure Prairie League
4.  Beth by KISS
5.  Brandy by Elliot Lurie
6.  Bernadette by The Four Tops
7.  Michelle by The Beatles
8.  Alison by Elvis Costello
9.  Lucille by Little Richard
10.  Peg by Steely Dan
11.  Carrie Anne by The Hollies
12.  Roxanne by The Police
13.  Ophelia by The Band
14.  Angelina by Louis Prima  (Zooma Zooma Baccala)
15.  Athena by The Who
16.  Lola by The Kinks
17.  Layla by Derek and the Dominoes
18.  Angie by The Rolling Stones

July 16, 2009

10 Al Franken questions you didn't hear from the Sotomayor confirmation hearing.

1.  Which Brady Bunch girl do you feel best represents your judicial philosophy?
2.  I'm okay with this Senate thing 'cause of that "I'm Just A Bill" song but they didn't do a Supreme Court song. What exactly do they do?
3.  Did you see that Happy Days episode where the Fonz skijumped over a shark?  That was cool.
4.  1980 was the start of the Al Franken decade.  Tell me why 2010 will be the start of the Sonia Sotomayor decade?
5.  I'm not sure if this applies but I'll throw it out there anyway.  Boxers or briefs?
6.  I have this exercise I use to get a glimpse inside of other's thought processes.  Play along.  I'm Zan and you're Jayna.  Wonder Twins power ACTIVATE!  Now you have to say shape of something and I'll turn into an appropriate water-based counterpart.
7.  As a Supreme Court judge, will you be most like Simon, Randy, or Paula?
8.  Do you remember Flip Wilson?  You know where I'm going.  Here come da judge! Here come da judge!
9.  I have this card from Chris Harrison.  It says that we may forego our individual rooms and spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  What do you think . . . ?
10.  Do you know Judge Judy?  I always wanted to meet her.

July 15, 2009

The Prospect League All-Star game in list form.

1. I think I'll have a beer.
2. Hey, a home run derby!
3. Why do all of these 12 year old girls look like raccoons? Does Sherwin-Williams make mascara now?
4. Here comes, "o'er the land of the free." Is the R & B guy going to make the high note? YES!
5. I think I'll have a beer.
6. Okay, I'm not sure which it is. Either those pants are too small or her butt is too big.
7. This is the longest game I've ever seen. What inning is it . . . 5th!
8. Names on little girls softball uniforms: Brittanni, Sadye, Emiliee . . . hopefully they weren't breast-fed 'cause clearly their mamas are drinkers.
9. Thank God! Finally it's the top of the 9th and the home team is ahead. We can get this game over so I can go home. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 outs. It's ovah!
10. Why are they playing the bottom of the ninth? Am I at a tee-ball game? 1 . . .2 . . .3 outs yeah!
11. Why are they taking the field for the 10 inning? Come on, hold them, you're still up by one run.
12. Top of the 10th, 1 out, man on 1st and 3rd. There going to at least tie it and then I'll be here until morning. Long drive to center field, it's caught, the throw to home is perfect! So good the guy on third stops and goes back but the guy on first is going for second! Catcher throws to second - double play! Let's go home!
13. Why are they taking the field for the bottom of the 10th? They've now lost twice. Why does the coach keep coming out to talk to the pitcher? You gotta be kiddin' me, you're bringing in a reliever? "You can't win!"
14. Come on guys! Stop scoring runs, you've already won.
15. Yeah! Pretty fireworks.

July 14, 2009

10 songs that go poorly with garlic and sunlight.

1.  Blood on the Dance Floor by Michael Jackson
2.  Raining Blood by Slayer
3.  Dracula's Wedding by Outkast
4.  Love Bites by Def Leppard
5.  Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox
6.  The Stake by Steve Miller Band
7.  Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde
8.  We Bite by the Misfits
9.  Blood Stains and Bite Marks by Whole Wheat Bread
10. Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance



July 13, 2009

5 Match Game questions found in the Old Testament - Mark Goodson edition.

1.  Lot’s wife was a shameless harlot.  One night,
when they had guests for dinner, another woman’s husband asked her to
pass the salt and she handed him BLANK
2.  Noah was sooo dumb.  He thought God said that he would strain for forty days and nights so he built the world’s largest BLANK
3.  Mrs. Moses was the jealous type.  She went through the roof when she heard Moses talking about the BLANK
4.  Joseph said, "I'm never sending my coat to the dry cleaner again.  The last time I did,  it came back BLANK
5.  John McCain didn't kill his brother Abel, he just forgot to BLANK him.  (Yes, he's that old.)

July 12, 2009

5 ways that cheerleaders are like pancakes.

1.  They preferred to be stacked.
2.  They'd rather be golden than pale and tepid.
3.  They're sticky sweet but too much of them can make you sick to your stomach
4.  They both liked to be flipped.
5.  Similar IQs

July 11, 2009

Guest List: Attention world, stop using these words and phrases.

This idea comes from Dave. He started a furious email chain of people from 3 states using company time to goof on a Friday morning.

At the end of the day (Lou)

Any melding of celebrity names like Brangelina (Lou)
(Marty gets credit for creating a celebrity nickname for the future Sarah Palin/Dick Cheney pairing - Ditch.)

Sarah Palin (Lou)

Metrosexual (Mary)

Manny duty (Mary)

MANicure (Mary)
Cremains (Mary)
Showmance (Mary)

True Dat (Dave)
That's what she said
(Dave)
Pud (Dave)
Fuc*in A
(Dave)
Staycation
(Dave)
Bromance
(Dave)
Vetting
(Dave)
Baby's Mama
(Dave)

July 10, 2009

Before we elevate some flash-in-the-pan as the new King of Pop, let's take some time to celebrate some other Kings of Things.

1. King of Cage
2. King of Steaks (that's cheese steaks for you who don't know Pat's)
3. King of Bingo (I love that the king of bingo supplies is a leprechaun.)
4. King of Mushrooms
5. King of Kong (This is a surprisingly good documentary featuring one of America's finest and most patriotic mullets.)
6. King of Cornhole
7. King of the Jungle (So Lou Diamond won that thing!)
8. King of Stink (You'll note that this is a new and improved website so hard telling what it looked like before.)
9. King of Hobos (All hail King Stretch and his fair Queen Ct. Tootsie)

July 9, 2009

A My Daily List cooking tip: how to kill that tasty lobster without all of the guilt.

1. Encourage it to smoke by showing it old movies with rugged leading-lobsters who smoke filterless Chesterfield. Wait 30 years.
2. Set it up on a date with Kate Gosselin. Once it wishes it were dead you'll be doing it a favor with the big pot of boiling water.
3. The lobster will be filled with nostalgia and hope when you suggest to your friend, Vito, that the lobster should be "swimming with the fishes."
4. Suggest you heard another lobster saying that its tail is fat, that it's an ugly arthropod that no one could love, and that the world would be a better place without it. Provide whiskey and noose.
5. Congratulate the lobster on winning a once-in-a-lifetime chance to go skydiving. Forget to pack the chute.
6. Boil large pot of water. Skip initial dares and move directly to a double-dog-dare to get the lobster in the pot - even lobsters can't back down from a double-dog-dare.
7. Nurture lobster's singing ability and help it achieve a chart-topping recording career. Then, feed it a diet of grilled 'nana and peanut butter sandwiches, Dexedrine, and Demerol. Wait 20 years.
8. Under the pretense of a family renunion weekend, book the lobster in a bed and breakfast in Cabot Cove, Maine.
9. Have the lobster cast as the hunky lead in next season's The Bachelor. Have melted butter waiting for first hottub scene.
10. Tell Joe Pesci that the lobster thinks he's funny.

July 8, 2009

Snazzy words designed to allow nerds to feel good about themselves.

1.  aerophilatelist
2.  conchologist
3.  succrologist
4.  phillumenist
5.  numismatist
6.  vaccophile
7.  blogger

July 7, 2009

5 most commented upon stories from The Hobo Blogger

1. The trickle down effect of FDA control over tobacco: fewer cigarettes bought, fewer butts to pick up off the ground.
2. Stew: an affordable way to stretch your food budget or the greatest food ever.
3. Hobo vampires: true stories from the road that will chill your blood.
4. Freedom Johnson and his march to Britt, Iowa: the hobo Obama?
5. Internet access on the road: free wifi providers you can stand outside of this summer.

July 6, 2009

10 things that are on my mind this evening.

1.  Who the heck won that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here thing?
2.  Now that oil prices are down and Alaska's state budget isn't swimming in non-tax revenue, how will we know whether Sarah Palin's executive skills were up to leading them through a more real-life budget process? (Maybe I should have included this on my list a few days back.)
3.  Hilary Duff is joining Gossip Girl!!!  Who and what are those things?
4.  Shouldn't we know to allow Kate Gosselin her privacy so that she doesn't have to have her publicist releasing statements every few days?  We should really make this the cover story of People, US, and Good Housekeeping magazines. 
5.  How long has it been since I've eaten a donut? 
6.  Hey!  Big Brother starts this week!
7.  I could really use another cup of that expresso gelato I had last Saturday at the taste-of festival.
8.  I've been out of Tuaca for a long time.  I should deal with that and by "deal with" I mean go buy some.
9.  Am I lazy if I think that it's too much work to get the hammock out of the shed so I could lie in it and take a nap?
10.  I really need to come up with another set of Barry Manilow facts.

July 5, 2009

10 best cookies.

1.  The decorated Christmas cookies my sister made in the 1970's
2.  Archway Cashew Nougat
3.  Italian Wedding Cookies (all variations)
4.  Country Market Iced Cutouts
5.  Fortune cookies that aren't stale and tell you you're attractive and will be wealthy someday
6.  Toll House Chocolate Chip cookies within ten minutes of coming out of the oven
7.  Pizzelle with anise seeds
8.  Girl Scout Tagalongs
9.  Heyday Cookie Bars
10.  Ice Animal Crackers
 

UPDATE: Immutable laws of pizza

It has been suggested that since the California Pizza Kitchen does not adhere to my immutable laws of pizza, my laws must somehow be mutable. I've spoken with the management of California Pizza Kitchen and, after a great deal of sobbing, they have agreed to toe the pizza line. Look for their new signage in the coming weeks.