Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

May 31, 2009

Now that I've finally seen the last episode of Lost, 5 things I've learned.

1. Jacob lives in a shoe? Like the little ol' lady who?
2 Hurley should odd oat bran to his diet.
3. For a surgeon, Jack sure does punch a lot. Probably the most punchingest surgeon alive.
4. Ben seems incapable in healing - how long is he going to have seeping wounds from a fist fight he had days and days ago?
5. Blowing up the island with a nuclear bomb fixes everything? That's like throwing out the fat man with the bath water.

May 30, 2009

10 Barry Manilow Facts

1. If Manilow writes a song, he makes the WHOLE world sing it.
2. Manilow doesn't botox, he just encourages his skin each time he sings "I Can't Smile Without You."
3. Manilow's piano has 89 keys. The extra key opens up our hearts.
4. Manilow isn't stuck on Band-Aids, Band-Aids are stuck on him.
5. Gold was a worthless rock until Manilow started recording albums.
6. Galileo didn't know Manilow or else he would have known that Earth orbits Barry and the sun is his personal spotlight.
7. The Pope is jealous of Manilow's fabulous shoes.
8. 80% of the power in Las Vegas is derrived from Manilow's smile.
9. Twitter has a "no Manilow" policy since their system won't allow 6 billions followers.
10. Perrier was invented because it was demeaning for Manilow to walk on tap water.

To be continued . . .?

May 29, 2009

8 Phil Spector produced songs that Phil Spector can sing in prison to pass time.

1. I Love How Your Love Me - The Paris Sisters, 1961
2. Second Hand Love - Connie Francis, 1962
3. He's A Rebel - The Crystals, 1962
4. Puddin' And Tain - The Alley Cats, 1963 (sounds sorta prison sexy.)
5. (Today I Met) The Boy I'm Gonna Marry - Darlene Love, 1963
6. You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling - The Righteous Brothers, 1965 (they say it's easier once you lose feeling.)
7. Instant Karma - John Lennon, 1970
8. Here We Go Again - John Lennon, 1986 (from the album "Menlove Ave.)

May 28, 2009

Physiological, emotional, and psychological responses in women driving an SUV

1. IQ drops by 75 points meaning even the most accomplished woman is driving with the intellect of river otter (yes, river otters are really smart but not operating-a-vehicle smart.)
2. Body image problems emerge forcing the woman to check her make-up and hair in the full-length vanity mirror available in most current model SUVs.
3. Eyesight is degraded so that anything that is not an SUV becomes invisible.
4. The large interior space leads to debilitating sense of loneliness and isolation. To counter this, the woman must talk mindlessly on her cell phone at all times.
5. The female mind loses its basic sense of spatial relationship. This causes the woman, who is perfectly capable of walking in a straight line, to veer aimlessly from side-to-side endangering all around her. This was once thought to be a side-effect of the cell phone talking and vanity mirror grooming but is now believed to have something to do with internal cabin pressure and the inner ear.
6. When the female is driving with passengers, specifically children or male passengers, she is often afflicted with what has been termed "Hysterical Tourette's Syndrome." This affliction is long-lasting unless treated with Merlot
7. While the scientific community has yet to reach a consensus, the dominant theory is that the above mentioned factors, in combination, result is a group of physiological symptoms including increased heart rate, irrational aggression, and a stiffening of the middle finger.

May 27, 2009

7 indications that zombies have quietly invaded your small town.

1. Sign as you enter town now reads, "Welcome to the Brain Basket of the Midwest."
2. Volunteer fire fighters are suddenly afraid of open flames.
3. Gladys, the waitress at the local diner, has always been one to chew off her customer's ear but she's gotten a bit literal in recent weeks.
4. Downtown Fourth of July Celebration mistakenly promoted as an "I Scream Social"
5. The mayor decides to run for re-election, even though he died last year.
6. Local barber has been a tad aggressive when a customer asks for a little off the top.
7. Everyone's favorite bartender now laughs nervously when locals ask for a stiff one.

May 26, 2009

Having read this year's Summer Fun Guide to local events, 8 reasons I should consider moving to a more interestng town.

1. City-Wide Prostate Screening - June 2nd and 4th
2. 19th Century Clothing Workshops - June 5 - 7
3. Celebration of Life Cancer Survivor's Picnic - June 14
4. Central Illinois Daylily Show - June 27
5. Hats Off To Agriculture - July 11
6. NHPA World Horseshoe Tournament - July 27 - Aug. 8 (wait, that might be cool if you're into that sorta thing.)
7. Hummingbird Festival - Aug. 8
8. Soil and Compost Lecture - Aug. 22

May 25, 2009

Now that I've finally seen the new Star Trek, 10 phaser settings I'd like to see.

Set phasers to . . .

1. Shut up.
2. Duh! (not an actual setting, just an ironic option on the dial to be noted when someone speaks the obvious.)
3. That's enough trips to the buffet, tubby.
4. Fart (really funny when you've been drinking.)
5. Obfuscate
6. Limbaugh (replaces Powell setting.)
7. Beer me.
8. Dance I and Dance II (Dance I plays dance music. Dance II is for shooting at people's feet.)
9. Get off the road you moron.

May 24, 2009

Dear Richard "Rich" Fairbanks, CEO Capital One Bank

I've recently received a letter saying that you will be converting my 12.9% APR into a "promotional rate" and that when the newly coined "promotional rate" expires my new APR will be 17.9% . It seems like just yesterday that my APR was 10.9%. Thankfully, I am not an average American when it comes to credit card debt and I don't owe $8400 on my credit card. If I were, this rate change to existing balances would cost me $115 additional interest ($411 in total interest) each month making it more likely that I might sink further and further into debt with you.

I imagine that loan-sharking damages your stellar reputation so I wanted to suggest a few new business ventures that might make you seem more ethical or moral:

1. Meth lab chemist
2. Back alley organ harvester
3. South of the border burro-porn star
4. Warren G. Harding impersonator
5. Creepy party clown
6. South American dictator
7. Human trafficker
8. Congressman
9. Public relations rep for the tobacco industry
10. Professional boxing promoter

You will likely need to do this under an assumed name since it would be hard to make it in a new business burdened by the name Rich Fairbanks. It would be a shame to use a pseudonym that didn't reflect your identity as well as your actual name. How about:

1. Dick Dickington
2. I. M. Douchenozzle (a good German name)
3. Howie Sucksabigone
4. Baiton Switcher*
5. Roger Mahynie
6. Willie Sleepatnite
7. Adam Swindler
8. Bill M. Retroactively
9. Robin Ulegally
10. Lance Meimaboilontherumpofsociety

*Yes, according to the White Pages, there is one guy in Arkansas with the first name Baiton.

May 22, 2009

8 hobo bumper stickers

1. I'd rather be tramping
2. If you can read this, you can probably smell me too. Can I use your hose to wash up?
3. I'm walkin' for Jesus and my soles are holey
4. Don't blame me. I don't have a residence so I can't register to vote.
5. My other car is a boxcar
6. I heart sleeping indoors (do you have a spare couch?)
7. I brake for stew!
8. Your Honor Student gave me five bucks to buy him a case of beer.

May 21, 2009

5 questions we can add to the Citizenship Test to insure that the Gitmo terrorists don't infiltrate our ranks once Obama releases them.

1. As a US citizen, which of the following activities would you consider to be a pursuit of happiness?
A) Blowing up like a greasy balloon on a diet of fast food and carbonated beverages.
B) Blowing up airplanes.

2. If you had to limit your diet for the rest of your life, which would you prefer?
A) Hot dogs, apple pie, and Southern fried chicken
B) Baba ghannouj, tabouleh, and chicken shwarma

3) If citizenship came with a complimentary magazine subscription, which would you select?
A) Playboy
B) Beneath the Burka

4. If you were a cowboy, what would you holler as you ride off on your horse into the sunset?

5) A terrorist says what?
A) Screw you!
B) What?

May 20, 2009

7 things that are more dangerous than having Gitmo prisoners in your local Federal prison.

1. Bacon ceviche
2. Women driving black SUVs
3. Jeans that are too tight in the groin (for men who need to sit down only)
4. Clowns who play Santa at Christmas and who live with their girlfriend who runs a daycare in her home. See
5. Poor grammar - we all know some who nearly strokes out if you split an infinitive.
6. Erections that last longer than four hours.
7. Dick Cheney - remember, he's a cyborg killing machine waiting for the rise of the terminators.

May 19, 2009

The American Idol producers chose "No Bounderies" for the finale but Kara DioGuardi wrote 9 other songs that didn't quite work.

1. Give Me Mountains And I'll Climb To The Stars
2. You're My Angel (Can You See My House From Up There?)
3. I Am My Miracle
4. A Unicorn Is Just A Horse With A Dream
5. This Moment Is The First Day Of My Everything
6. Right Now Has Been My Today
7. Don't Wake Me From This Sleep Walk Of Dreams Come True
8. Soaring On The Wings Of Flying High
9. I'm Dreaming The Dream That Dreams of Dreaming the Impossible Dream of Dreams

May 18, 2009

A new season of The Bachelorette or barbeque - you decide.

1. meat rub
2. sauced
3. hard wood
4. finger lickin' good
5. careful or you'll get burned
6. hot dog
7. pulled pork
8. hot tub (foil pan of beer for your brats or a simmering cauldron of STDs?)
9. unrealistic expectations based upon a quiet sense of self-destructive desperation.

May 17, 2009

5 ways you can tell the difference between rock stars and bloggers.

1. Rock stars are adored by millions. Bloggers are put up with by many family members.
2. Rocks stars drop F-bombs on live television. Bloggers drop Entrecards on other people's blogs.
3. Many rock stars have coke problems. Many bloggers have Mountain Dew and Skittles problems.
4. Rock stars gain attention by sampling music from popular songs and presenting it as their own. Bloggers attract visitors to their blog by finding original material online and cutting and pasting into their blog.
5. Rock stars have not idea what #2 means. Bloggers read #2 and LOL.

May 16, 2009

7 immutable laws of dessert.

1. Cake must be portioned sequentially. Round cakes are a blank slate until the first slice is removed. At that point all future slices must follow either clockwise or counterclockwise. Square and rectangular cakes must be portioned as if you are reading a good book: left to right and top to bottom. Moving out of sequence to grab a tasty corner piece verboten. (Tony)

2. A pie is only as good as its crust. In fact, the only reason we eat pie is to justify eating crust. Consider an apple pie. What do you call the apples? Pie filling. Therefore pie is crust.

3. Bake Alaska went extinct in 1957. Stop making it.

4. While it is possible to blend cakes and pies i.e. Brown Betties, Cobblers, Pan Dowdies, etc, doing so creates ethical dilemmas. First, these Frankensteinian creations must always be made in square or rectangular pans and must follow the rule of cake. Second, while it is acceptable to scoop out portions with a spoon, you may NOT continue to spoon the fruit filling onto your portion as it oozes out from surrounding future portions. You must consider the fruit-to-topping ratio of the original product and adhere to this ratio with each portion. It is advisable that the baker label the product with this ratio to assist you in eating it.

5. Trifle presents diplomatic problems and should be avoided if at all possible. It is a chaotic mix of pastry cream or pudding, cake, fruit, and whipped cream. Your most refined guests will passively accept whatever you scoop on their plates, and possibly even ooh and aah over the event, since to them the serving will be no more than a prop to hold while they discuss their place in society. Less refined guests will insist upon scooping their own trifle but those in line will shout at them for Bogarting specific ingredients thereby leading to hurt feelings or all-out arguments. Your least refined guests will resort to physical violence at this point, possibly directed toward you for serving something called "trifle."

6. Ignore other cultures: fruit is not dessert, it is food. It only makes the journey from food to dessert if it is teamed with one of the 5 cornerstones of dessert (yes there are five corners): pastry, crust, pudding, jello, and Cool Whip.

7. Ice cream is not dessert. It is a tasty treat with no connection to the traditional dinner course system.

May 15, 2009

Eight Things I'm Too Old For....(as dictated from the road)

1. Moving furniture

2. Running (unless it's fleeing for my life)

3. Riding carnival rides (i.e., non-bolted down rides or those with heart condition warning signs)

4. Starting an evening out at 10 pm

5. Snow

6. Going shirtless and/or wearing tank tops

7. 2 old 4 SMS

8. Eating Mexican food at 2 am

(still too young for a Speedo, though)

May 14, 2009

What you see vs. what Dick Cheney sees.

1. You see Barack Obama. Dick sees a powerful Islamofascist determined to destroy America.
2. You see Colin Powell. Dick sees a no-good dirty traitor.
3. You see homosexuals and lesbians. Dick sees Sodomites and Gomorrahians determined to gay up America. (Dick squints when he looks at his daughter so that she always looks like the little girl he loves.)
4. You see Harry Whittington. Dick sees some jerk who owes him an apology for getting his face in the way of buckshot meant for captive birds.
5. You see Rush Limbaugh. Dick sees a golden unicorn running upon a totally ungay rainbow toward the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.
6. You see "Happy Days" and love the Fonz. Dick sees what appears to be the real world and loves the Potsie.
7. You see waterboarding and think torture. Dick sees waterboarding and thinks BOOYAH!!!
8. You Google Earth and say, "Hey, there's my house!" Dick sees Google . . . never mind, can't mention this or the terrorists might get him.
9. You see international travel as a way to expand your horizons and learn about different cultures. Dick sees international travel as a way to expand the chance different cultures might attempt to try him for war crimes.
10. You see small children as our future. Dick sees small children as the source of the innocent blood Satan demanded in exchange for eternal life.

May 13, 2009

6 reasonable excuses for Carrie Prejean's underaged panty-only photographs.

1. My dog ate my blouse.
2. I define marriage as a union between a man and a topless model.
3. I can't be certain how many people have sneaked a picture of me while I was changing or adjusting my clothes. (This is a paraphrase of what she actually said. For me, I can be certain the number is zero.)
4. Boobs are a central aspect of my Christianity. (That would make her a Boobtist.)
5. Donald Trump says that in today's world it's normal for there to be topless photos of beautiful women so who are you to argue with him? Are you saying he doesn't understand normal?
6. Freedom of speech also protects my boobs' right to speak their minds and they say, "Look at me, fellas!"

May 12, 2009

Songs on my dentist's iPod

1. Sweet Tooth by Marilyn Manson
2. Pulling Teeth by Green Day
3. Mental Floss by Jimmy Buffet
4. Skin o' My Teeth by Megadeth
5. (Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth by Metallica
6. Shane's Dentist by Mojo Nixon
7. Teeth Like God's Shoeshine by Modest Mouse
8. With Teeth by NIN
9. Butt-Floss Girl by Project Sisyphus (don't know the song but it's a cool band name)
10. Your Gold Teeth by Steely Dan
11. Novacaine For the Soul by Eels
12. Tooth and Nail by Dokken
13. Tooth Fang Claw by Ted Nugent's Amboy Dukes
14. Bite Your Tongue by Duncan Shiek
15. To The Teeth by Ani DiFranco
16. Serpent's Tooth by Miles Davis
17. Give Me Novacaine by Green Day
18. Summer Teeth by Wilco
19. Crooked Teeth by Death Cab For Cutie
20. And two full albums by the band Holy Molar - Cavity Search and Whole Tooth and Nothing But the Tooth

May 11, 2009

Knocking the 10 happiest countries on Earth off their high-horses.

According to the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development (OECD) these are the 10 happiest countries - bunch 'a jerks.

1. Denmark - So if I go all the way to Denmark and want to order a danish for breakfast I have to call it wienerbrod? Ick!
2. Finland - The world's least corrupt country. That's just code for having nothing worth stealing.
3. Netherlands - The world's most egotistical country. "Ooooh, we're THE Netherlands." As far as I know, you're the only Netherlands so stop drawing unnecessary attention to yourself.
4. Sweden - The entire country is made up of medium-density-fiberboard and 5mm by 40mm connector screws. Every three years, Swedes have to rebuild the country from the ground up.
5. Ireland - Geez, who cut one in Macgillicuddy 'cause Macgillicuddy Reeks.
6. Canada - What? You don't have any fine Canadian women to be your Queen?
7. Switzerland - What? It goes by the name Confoederatio Helvetica too? Why would the richest nation on the planet need a secret identity? What are you hiding Switzerland? Or should I call you Confoederatio Helvetica!
8. New Zealand - This country doesn't actually exist. It started out as the setting of an Australian television fantasy program sponsered by Rand McNally. To promote the program, Rand McNally created "New Zealand" as an island above Australia and published it on all of their globes, maps, and atlases. Now we have a bunch of corporate PR shills, like Peter Jackson, pretending they live there just to keep the lie covered up.
9. Norway - Refuses to spell Harold correctly even though they've had 5 chances to do so.
10. Belgium - Stupid Flanders.

May 10, 2009

5 mothers who didn't get a card today.

1. Pamela Sue Voorhees
2. Dena Lohan
3. The Nostromo's computer
4. John Shaft - shut yo' mouth
5. Bechamel - it's a cooking thing

May 9, 2009

It's gradution week!! Here are 10 potential ice-breakers for the receptions and celebrations to come.

For traditional students:
1. This is what you've been waiting for! Now get a job, grow old, and die.
2. Welcome to the real world, graveyard of dreams.
3. Employers are lining up to hire you! They love firing experienced people and hiring mopes like you for half the money.
4. I hope you like cubicles 'cause a 2.0 gpa ain't gonna get you very far.
5. Have your parents turned your old bedroom into a exercise room yet? Oh, good! You'll be needing it now that your 5 years of play time are drawing to a close.

For non-traditional adult students:
1. Way to go but your boss still thinks you're a useless jerk.
2. Never has someone done so little to accomplish so much. Here's to faking it.
3. You're a great example to your children. They can follow your lead of failing out of college, getting knocked up, and graduating twenty years later after an extended career in retail sales.
4. Hey, let's not lose perspective here. You're still paunchy and have more years behind you than ahead so ratchet back the enthusiasm a bit there, Einstein.
5. Well, at least you have something interesting for the obit now.

May 8, 2009

As many encourage Obama to look beyond the bench for the next Supreme Court nominee, here are 5 possible contenders.

Richard Simmons for his widespread appeal to teabaggers. He must have a strong opinion on taxes since he's been teabagging America in those tiny shorts for decades. (Did I say "widespread appeal"?)

Diana Ross for her 50 year association with the Supremes (yes, 50, I just looked it up.) You Can't Hurry Love much in the same way they couldn't hurry a majority decision in Kelo v. City of New London.

The Incredible Hulk for his ability to concisely and simply state the most complicated opinions. "Hulk hate judicial activism! Hulk smash puny Bader Ginsberg!!"

American Idol's Randy Jackson for his astute judgment. "Dawg, your a priori assumption is pitchy, man. I'm not feelin' it."

Jack Daniels, a southern gentleman who has inspired more opinionated political debate than all other Justices combined.

May 7, 2009

10 of the dozens of May magazine articles in which Jennifer Aniston discusses life without Brad Pitt.

1. Car and Driver - "How Brad Pitt Drove Jen to Heartbreak"
2. Action Pursuit Games - "Jen Chases Down Happiness in a World Without Brad"
3. Analog Science Fiction and Fact - "Jennifer Exposes Her Inner Trekkie and Discusses Living Life Alone" (includes semi-nude Photoshoped pictorial, with pointy ears.)
4. Celebrity Hairstyles - "Washed That Man Right Out of Her Hair: Jen Talks Heartache"
5. Every Day With Rachael Raye - "Jennifer's Ten Low-Fat Break-Up Comfort Foods"
6. The Comics Journal - "Wonder Woman: Jen Talks Alternate Time-Lines In Which She's Still Married to Brad"
7. The Hockey News - "Hat Trick!! (Semi-nude Photoshopped picture with hat) Plus, Jen Talks Loneliness"
8. American Girl Magazine - "She's a Living Doll Living Life On Her Own"
9. Architectural Digest - "Built Like a Brick #$%house. And She's Available Fellas"
10. Crochet World - "What's Needling Jen? Her Love Life Is In Knots"

May 6, 2009

My Daily List Quiz: Do marketing firms think you have a small penis?

Review the products you have either purchased or considered purchasing in the past 12 months. How many of the following words were associated with the marketing or branding of those products?

Harley Davidson
Male Enhancement *
Bad (bad to the bone, so bad it's good, etc.)

Score one point for each associated word or two points for each word with an asterisk.

0 - your penis is just fine
1-3 - you have a small penis
4-7 - you have a small penis
7-10 - you have a small penis

May 5, 2009

May 4, 2009

In preparation for the Vancouver Winter Olympics, Skate Canada wants to make figure skating "more masculine." Here are 7 suggestions.

The story

1. Wear NASCAR driver's suits and skate laps around the rink. Bumping is allowed to get the crowd excited but remember you're trying to be more manly so never team bumping with grinding.

2. Update pair skating to no-holds-barred cage-match pair skating.

3. Consider the behavior of athletes in more manly sports like baseball, basketball, and football. The next time your friend lands a triple-double Lutz combo, rush out on the ice and give him a congratulatory smack on the butt.

4. Rules change: Highest and lowest scores and no longer thrown out. Instead, those two judges must fight with those American Gladitor Q-tip things. Only count the score of the survivor.

5. Marry Katie Holmes

6. Toe Loops now called Spinning Blades of Death, Lutzes now call Lee Marvins, Camel Spin now called Giving the Boys Some Fresh Air.

7. Effective immediately, this man is no longer the Father of Modern Figure Skating. Best not to name a replacement.

May 3, 2009

18 funny movies from the Depression

  1. Bachelor Mother
  2. Fast and Furious
  3. My Favorite Wife
  4. Larceny Inc.
  5. The Devil and Miss Jones
  6. The Miracle at Morgan Creek
  7. Free and Easy
  8. Holiday
  9. It Happened One Night
  10. The More the Merrie
  11. Woman Chases Man
  12. You Can't Take It With You
  13. Love Crazy
  14. The Major and the Minor
  15. Merrily We Live
  16. Le Million
  17. Ruggles of Red Gap
  18. Three Men On A Horse

May 1, 2009

My Daily List's Simpletons of the Month - March Edition

1. Dick Cheney for explaining to us how our new ban on torture takes away the tools we need to keep us all safe while insisting that the banned activities are not actually torture.

2. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich for doing everything he could to join such luminaries as Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt, Janice Dickinson, and Sanjay Malakar this summer on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here." A federal judge is all that stood between us and seeing him scantily dressed in a Costa Rican jungle.

3. Michele Bachman (R MN) for continuing to insist that being a lunatic is the same thing as telling it like it is. Last month she suggested an odd coincidence between Democratic Presidents and swine flu, that America is running out of rich people, that Obama, following in the footsteps of FDR and LBJ, has completed our transition to socialism, and for proposing a Constitutional Amendment to block Obama from adopting a One-World Dollar as our new U.S Currency. If it weren't for patriots like her, Obama would have us neck deep in all sorts of imaginary problems.

4. Carrie Prejean for becoming every man's nightmare: a bikini model who won't shut up.

5. Madonna for trolling Malawi for poor children like a fat guy trolls an all-you-can-eat buffet. I can't help but think that there are Malawi children without parents so why is she so set on taking a second child away from its father?