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May 28, 2009

Physiological, emotional, and psychological responses in women driving an SUV

1. IQ drops by 75 points meaning even the most accomplished woman is driving with the intellect of river otter (yes, river otters are really smart but not operating-a-vehicle smart.)
2. Body image problems emerge forcing the woman to check her make-up and hair in the full-length vanity mirror available in most current model SUVs.
3. Eyesight is degraded so that anything that is not an SUV becomes invisible.
4. The large interior space leads to debilitating sense of loneliness and isolation. To counter this, the woman must talk mindlessly on her cell phone at all times.
5. The female mind loses its basic sense of spatial relationship. This causes the woman, who is perfectly capable of walking in a straight line, to veer aimlessly from side-to-side endangering all around her. This was once thought to be a side-effect of the cell phone talking and vanity mirror grooming but is now believed to have something to do with internal cabin pressure and the inner ear.
6. When the female is driving with passengers, specifically children or male passengers, she is often afflicted with what has been termed "Hysterical Tourette's Syndrome." This affliction is long-lasting unless treated with Merlot
7. While the scientific community has yet to reach a consensus, the dominant theory is that the above mentioned factors, in combination, result is a group of physiological symptoms including increased heart rate, irrational aggression, and a stiffening of the middle finger.


  1. Brother, you know I'd like to have your back on this but I can't touch it with a ten foot pole. Best of luck.

  2. Heyyyyy, did one of your women friends write this? Cause it seems so, I don't know.... dead on?

  3. And to think that I recently complimented your lists.........

  4. DDyer: That's what she said.

    NannyG: Sadly, this list was inspired by yet another near-death experience.

    Mother: Don't give up on me. Note that I don't say anything bad about women in general or even their ability to drive. Just that women seem to love SUVs and drive them like they're relaxing in their living rooms rather than nearly killing me on a daily basis.