Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

January 31, 2009

Who's making me angry today?

1. Television executives - there's probably 10 hours of worthwhile prime-time programs in any given week and most of them are on Monday nights.
2. Steve Martin - The Pink Panther? Really?
3. Illinois Governor Pat Quinn - you've pretty much known you were going to assume the office for more than a month and now you say you need to figure out what needs to be done?
4. That skank at Target who thought is was okay to push me as she said "excuse me." I don't care if you are a desiccated old crone in a velour sweat suit who just bought some Revlon products and a copy of O magazine, I'll break you next time.
5. That table of speckly, 50 year-old women at trivia night who did their little coochie-popping dance during the music category. Who finds that alluring? What do I take to forget it?

January 30, 2009

25 random facts about me (some of which may be complete lies.)

1. I have had a pencil eraser shoved somewhere inside of my sinus cavity for 35 years.

2. I once decided to moon my friend through the basement window of his house. As I pressed both cheeks firmly against the window, the glass broke and I fell mostly through the window - imagine sitting on the toilet with the seat up but the rim is made of jagged glass and your ass is in a house. For days following this, it hurt whenever I sat down due to microscopic slivers of ass glass.

3. I applied for an administrative position with Lions Club International. After reviewing my resume, they called to say that they had filled the position from within but wanted to meet with me as a possible replacement for that person's open position. That job would have required me to go to funeral homes and to scoop out the retinas of corpses. Sort of like how you eat a grapefruit but with a sharper knife and vitreous humor rather than citric acid.

4. My friend and I once took his 1968 Dodge Charger Duke Boys-style over a highly pitch railroad crossing at high speed. It took a few tries to get all 4 tires off the ground.

5. My oldest friends know that I've named my colon. Her name is Willhemenia.

6. I once smoked a cigar, chewed tobacco and snuffed snuff up my nose all at the same time. (Vomiting ensued.)

7. One time, I was videotaping a production of "Jeffery." I was one of only two people in the balcony and I shared a polite how-do-you-do with the other man at intermission. Later, I learned that he asked a cast member if I was available and that he was a candidate for State Senate whose placards I'd seen all over town. I was reassured knowing that if I were gay, I'd attract the right sort of man.

8. I proposed to my wife in a cemetery at night. I was dressed as a mad butcher. She was dressed as a cow.

9. I once went into no-appointment necessary salon for a hair cut. The woman at the receptionist desk was wearing an eye-patch, like a pirate. When I told her I wanted a hair cut she led me back to the sinks and washed my hair. "Hmm, I thought, receptionist and hair-washer." Then, she led me to a chair, put a pair of glasses on over her eye-patch and proceeded to cut my hair. I thought, "Well, at least it will be an interesting story." She cut my hair in a bowl cut that was very popular with the 10 year-old boys of that season so I looked foolish, but the cut itself was very professionally done.

10. A man with a lot of camera equipment once told me that I had very nice feet and that they would look good in magazines. I considered his offer but did not pursue my modeling career - although my feet remain one of my better parts.

11. One morning five years ago, as I was taking a shower, I heard the sound of metal hitting the shower floor. I thought, "Great, the shower head is falling apart and now I'll have to replace it" but there were no shower head parts of the floor. Instead, there was a single dime. I'd read that one of the most common poltergeist activities was coins materializing in mid-air. I was fairly new to the house so I took this to mean the dime belong there more than I did. I put it on ledge where you're supposed to keep a bar of soap and it's still there today. Now it's tarnished green.

12. When I was 8 years-old, I won an contest sponsored by Borden. They were looking for a new flavor for their Shake 'N Wait Pudding product line. (A plastic cup with an instant pudding mix. Add ice water, shake for 60 seconds and you've got pudding.) If you've ever eaten anything "banana-berry" flavored, that was my idea.

13. Research suggests that Paul Powell's shoebox money may have been brought to my house while his Chief of Staff tried to figure out what to do with it.

14. My least favorite sound is a vacuum cleaner and, like a dog, it causes me a great deal of stress.

15. I once met B.J Thomas in an elevator in Memphis, TN. We invited him to play poker but he did not come to our room.

16. I dated a girl who was a competitive body-builder. I was okay with the fact that she had bigger muscles than me but it was always weird when I took her to the movies. We had to sit in the last row because she preferred to stand.

17. I once proctored a test for a blind student - 100 multiple choice questions for PSY 101. It was so boring, I fell asleep for about 8 questions but continued reading aloud and writing down each of her answers.

18. I once shot an AK-47 with the FBI S.W.A.T. unit.

19. My dog has required emergency penis surgery on two occasions. He now has an unrelated tendon attached to his man-part so that he cannot possibly express his excitement.

20. I am one of George H.W. Bush's Thousand Points of Light.

21. Years after I graduated, I bumped into my faculty advisor. She was born in the late 1920s and was retired by this point. I remember she liked to sit on the floor when she taught and she was old enough that she when got up, she farted uncontrolably. She was great. As we caught up with each other, she shared that she'd had a sex dream about me.

22. Once, while visiting my parents, a childhood friend knocked on the door asking for me. He explained that since we had last spoken he was focusing on winning the lottery. It was key that he win the lottery since he needed to fund his Bat-cave construction project so that he could train a team of ninjas who could battle the anti-Christ.

23. I've had a gun pointed at me in a threatening manner.

24. A football player once broke my sternum in a mosh pit. There ain't no fixing that, it hurts for life.

25. I once took a boat out into the Adriatic to Venice, Italy. My friends and I got lost and walked and walked until we found our way back to the parking lot on the main land. Who knew it wasn't really an island.

(Which are lies? Which are true?)
1. True 2. True 3. True 4. True 5. Lie, her name is Cynthia 6. True 7. True 8. True 9. True 10. Half lie. I never met that man but I do have remarkably attractive feet. 11. True 12. Lie 13. True 14. True 15. True 16. Lie 17. True 18. True 19. True 20. Lie 21. True 22. True, he's crazy. I was releived when Norman Mailer died of natural causes since, in the 1980's, my friend was obsessed with him and I worried that he might kill him. The crazy friend was living in NYC at that time and was friends with the son of a local man who had written two books on Mailer and was asking all of us to give him Mailers address. 23. True 24. True 25. True

January 29, 2009

Now that he's been removed from office and banned from holding office in Illinois, 5 ways that Rod Blagojevich can keep his personal quest for the Presidency alive.

1. He doesn't actually live or work in Springfield so there's no reason in the world that he can't keep up his Chicago-based Governorship as if nothing has changed.
2. Have an affair with Sarah Palin. Name love child Spork Palin - the part that shovels is Palin and pricks are Blagojevich.
3. He could get a job with a Chicago-area Morning Zoo radio show. They always need a mentally unstable stooge who's willing to get tazed or stand out in sub-zero weather in nothing but tightie-whities all for the chance to feel the limited spotlight of local fame.
4. Change name to Barack Obama. Hope no one notices.
5. Convince a University of Illinois professor to nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize.

January 28, 2009

8 steps to a tasty steak dinner

1. Keep it simple with the seasoning: salt, pepper, and a little oil
2. Let the steak reach room temperature before you cook it.
3. Use a cast iron or stainless steel pan - if you only have a non-stick pan, order a pizza
4. Put the steak in a hot, lightly oiled pan and leave it alone. Don't poke it, look under it, flip it. If you can't control yourself, leave the room.
5. Wait until the top of the steak is pooled with juices and the sides of the steak start to look cooked. At that point, the bottom of the steak should be nicely seared. Flip it ONCE.
6. Put the pan in a preheated 400 degree oven. Depending upon the thickness and size of the steak it should take about 5-6 minutes until you flip and another 5-6 minutes in the oven.
7. Poke the steak with your finger to see if it's done - don't cut into it to check for doneness
8. Take the steak out of the pan, put it on a plate, and leave it alone for another five minutes. Walk away if you must since the steak is ruined if you skip this step.

Poke-o-meter - what to look for when you poke your steak

If it feels like poking grandma's stomach - it's still raw inside.
If it feels like poking grandma's nose - it's medium, time to take it out of the oven
If it feels like grandma's crusty old toes - it's well-done, you're better off putting her toes in your mouth than the steak.

January 27, 2009

5 more television programs on which Rod Blagojevich plans to appear

1. COPS (although he was arrested by FEDS)
2. Shear Genius
3. To Tell the Truth (yes, it's no longer broadcast but once Blago sets his mind on something you can't convince him he's wrong)
4. Trading Spaces (his Chicago-area home for a Federal prison cell)
5. Divorce Court (he's booked for this show sometime next year)

January 26, 2009

6 commercials we can all do without

1. Anything trying to convince me not to be a meth-head.
3. Roni Deutsch. Let me get this straight. You make enough money to owe $30,000 in taxes but you end up paying less than me thanks to Roni? Fine, but everyone who pays all of their taxes should be allowed to punch Roni Deutsch in the kidney.
4. Anything with people licking Oreo cookies. This is a fetish for 0.005% of the population and disgusting for everyone else.
5. Anything that suggests that a cartoon bear can't wipe its butt without leaving toilet paper residue.
6. Anything that takes advantage of the limited intellect of those who feel they need a hemi. Can't they just buy a typical 8-cylinder gas-guzzler and save $10,000?

Okay, Anthony Bourdain, who is on my television right now, has made listing irrelevant. He asks, "What's hot, humid and smells like a turd slathered in warm durian?" It's the Furnas hot springs which is "like a wet fart." How rank are the springs? "If you've ever nibbled egg salad scraped off someone's taint."

January 25, 2009

5 deals with the Devil

1. On Borrowed Time (1939 movie with Lionel Barrymore)
2. Devil Went Down To Georgia (Charlie Daniels song)
3. The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings (4ACV18 Episode 72 of Futurama)
4. The Devil and Daniel Webster (Stephen Benet short story which inspired a movie)
5. American Idol (you don't think Ryan Seacrest has made it on talent, do you?)

January 24, 2009

5 things you'd find in Rod Blagojevich's hair.

1. An FBI listening device hidden during his weekly grooming.
2. A metal file he's stashed for his eventual imprisonment.
3. More hair - he has rows of scalps much like sharks have rows of teeth.
4. Amelia Earhart, D.B. Sweeney, and Jimmy Hoffa. They're living a comfortable life in a 3 bedroom cottage just north of his left ear.
5. A numbskull

January 23, 2009

5 ways our country might have benefited had we shown the wisdom to put a hobo in the White House.

1. A hobo would have met with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, told him a sad story about his abusive father and ended up getting a confirmable cessation of the Iranian nuclear program as well as a plate of hot beef stew and a five dollar bill.
2. A hobo would have solved our unemployment problem one odd job, mowed lawn, or painted fence at a time.
3. A hobo would have ended our mortgage crisis by pushing for a stimulus package that provided bindles and tattered suit coats to anyone in danger of losing their home so that they could hit the open road and sleep under the stars.
4. A hobo would have moved the US capital from Washington DC to Britt, Iowa. The government could have operated just as effectively but for much less cost in the hobo capital and DC could have been sold off to rich robber-barons.
5. A hobo would have declared "Big Rock Candy Mountain" as our unofficial national anthem and the lure of cigarette trees and hens that lay soft-boiled eggs would have led us all to a new age of cooperation and unity.

January 22, 2009

Happy Birthday AKA I have no idea what to list today

1. Sir Francis Bacon
2. Grigori Rasputin
3. D.W. Griffith
4. George Balanchine
5. Robert E. Howard
6. Ann Sothern
7. Sam Cooke
8. Bill Bixby
9. Graham Kerr
10. Linda Blair

January 20, 2009

In addition to the Lincoln Bible, other Presidential items that Barack Obama used on his first day in office.

1. As he took his oath of office, he wore a pair of George Washington's wooden underpants beneath his suit.
2. Repurposed a cadre of Cheneybot-2000 Mark III model cyborgs from aggressively attacking the left on Fox News to aggressively attacking the rim on the basketball court.
3. Accepted his duty to begin making minimum payments on Thomas Jefferson's personal debt. It's true what they say about making minimum payments - you'll never pay off the debt.
4. Took the ceremonial inaugural bath in the Taft bathtub using the original Taft bathwater - it is bottled up after each inaugural bath and includes the the schmutz of 17 presidents.
5. His first duty was to add one name to Nixon's enemy list. (He chose Richard Simmons.)
6. He now has unlimited access to the Billy Beer Brewery, which has been in constant, yet secret, production for more than 30 years.

January 19, 2009

5 things going through George Bush's head as he tries to fall asleep tonight.

1.  I should have cleaned the refrigerator really good.  I'm never going to get my security deposit back on this place.
2.  Now I can finally focus on clearing that brush.
3.  What am I gonna do?  I told Scott McClelland we'd sit in rockers on the front porch and reminisce and he turned out to be a real d-bag.  I hope he doesn't call.
4.  I'm really pumped about that Presidential Library.  I'm gonna hire Laura to be my librarian. That'll keep her out of my hair.
5.  WHEW!  Thank God I ran the clock out on this crap-storm.

January 18, 2009

8 fish movies

1.  Big Fish
2.  The Amazing Mr. Limpet
3.  Splash
4.  A Fish Called Wanda
5.  Day of the Dolphin
6.  Jaws
7.  Monty Python's Meaning of Life
8.  Finding Nemo

January 17, 2009

5 thoughts after finally watching the new Indiana Jones movie

1.  I like his hat.
2.  There was really excellent color saturation in the Nevada bomb city (maybe the highlight of the movie.)
3.  The credits were given in a clear, easy-to-read font.
4.  I didn't pay to see it.
5.  I can't regain the time I spent watching it but at least I didn't die while I was watching it so that it was the last thing I ever experienced.

January 16, 2009

10 things that, if said to a 10-year-old boy, might be confused for flatulence

1.  Pulling the rip cord
2.  Crop duster
3.  Launching Sputnik into orbit
4.  Sousaphone
5.  Papa Smurf
6.  Victoria's Secret
7.  Reap the Wild Wind
8.  Backdraft
9.  Foghorn Leghorn
10. 3-2-1 Blast-off

January 15, 2009

5 reasons that I'm really pumped about having a broken pipe.

1. I don't have to mop the floor now.
2. I've never really done any drywall work before so now I can learn all about it.
3. Maybe Joe the Plumber will stop by (oh, wait, he's not actually a plumber.)
4. If my pipes were okay, I couldn't stay home waiting for a plumber and I'd have to go out in that cold.
5. My savings has grown unmanageably bulky so this will knock it down a peg or two.

January 14, 2009

10 answers to musical questions.

1. Of course I've seen the rain. What? Do you live underground?
2. You should go. No, stay. Wait. Yes, go. Now!
3. Nuttin' much, Marvin, what's goin' on with you?
4. My love is approximately 8 feet deep.
5. Because the road is hard, gravely and potentially dangerous.
6. Because I don't think I can be friends with someone who would name their band War.
7. No thanks, I need to be a little drunker to dance.
8. We're in BIG trouble if God is one of us. We're kinda jerks.
9. You know, they teach everyone how to tell time in first grade so yeah, we all really know what time it is. Right now, it's 25 or 6 to 4.
10. I can hear you just fine but my name's not Tommy.

January 13, 2009

I would make it to Hollywood if American Idol focused on these 5 talents instead of music

1.  Eating pizza
2.  Snoring
3.  Slowly getting fatter with each passing year
4.  Obsessively collecting copies of old movies
5.  Listing

January 12, 2009


1. Leo (MGM)
2. Aslan (Narnia)
3. The Cowardly (Oz)
4. Lambert the Sheeply (WB cartoon)
5. Detroit (NFL)

January 11, 2009

5 things that are unbelievable about the premiere of 24.

1. The U.S. Senate would be in the midst of a hearing a 8 a.m. - yeah, right.
2. Tony Almeida survive not one, but two death scenes - as, if.
3. Jeanine Garafalo could pass an FBI employment clearence - no way.
4. Jack Bauer could survive for two hours without a cell phone - I wouldn't bet on it.
5. I'm actually tuned in even though I couldn't get through the last season and it didn't air at all last year - what a loser.

January 10, 2009

GUEST LIST: Ten Movies that didn't deserve to be remade

1. King Kong
2. Willy Wonka
3. The Day The Earth Stood Still
4. The Manchurian Candidate
5. Willard
6. Carrie
7. The Fog
8. Psycho
9. The Poseidon Adventure
10...and coming soon...Footloose

January 9, 2009

8 things you might find on a sushi menu in the midwest

1.  Bacillus cereus
2.  Shigella
3.  Vibrio cholerae
4.  (Spicy) Salmonellae
5.  Scombroid
6.  Vibrio parahaemolyticus
7.  Hepatitis A
8.  Vibrio vulnificus

January 8, 2009

Why are hobos so healthy?

1.  Forever roaming from town to town burns 500 calories an hour.
2.  When hobo jocks sit around asking "how much can you lift?" they're referring to their bindles.  Repeatedly hoisting a bindle from the ground to your shoulder promotes lean muscle development and strengthens the core.
3.  Canned beans are a good source of fiber and, for pregnant hobos, folic acid.
4.  Tripping over baggy pants and falling to the ground while intoxicated is actually a hobo-yoga sequence:  Adho Mukha Scansana (Downward Facing Hobo) followed by Ardha Chandrasana (Hobo Half Moon - or Full Moon if the baggy pants end up around the ankles) followed by Shavasana (Corpse Position AKA The Dead Drunk Hobo.)
5.  Lice cleanse the blood of free radicals and are a natural cholesterol lowering agent.

January 7, 2009

8 pretty good vampires

1.  Bela Legosi - the original
2.  Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula
3.  Chris Sarandon in Fright Night
4.  Adrian Pasdar, Lance Henrikson, and Bill Paxton in Near Dark (A family of vampires so they count as one.)
5.  Frank Langella in Dracula
6.  Wesley Snipe in the Blade Trilogy
7.  Willem DeFoe in Shadow of the Vampire
8.  Amanda Donahoe in The Lair of the White Worm

January 6, 2009

What's wrong with Roland Burris?

1. He smells like tacos.
2. He once dated Dick Durbin's wife and things got weird. I swear, I'm not making it up.
3. He is really Rod Blagojevich in elaborate prosthetic make-up.
4. He's so mean he once shot a man for just snoring.
5. Actually, there's no more wrong with him than any other politician. Harry Reid is just being a grand-standing poser. Come on, Harry! Read the Constitution and slow down when you get to the 17th Amendment:

"The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from
each State
, elected by the people thereof, for six years; and each
Senator shall have one vote. The electors in each State shall have the
qualifications requisite for electors of the most numerous branch of
the State legislatures.

When vacancies happen in the representation of any State in the
Senate, the executive authority of each State shall issue writs of
election to fill such vacancies
: Provided, That the legislature
of any State may empower the executive thereof to make temporary
appointments until the people fill the vacancies by election as the
legislature may direct.

This amendment shall not be so construed as to affect the election
or term of any Senator chosen before it becomes valid as part of the

January 5, 2009

Having purchased a copy of Geek Monthly, 5 things I now know about geeks.

1.  They enjoy reading poorly written articles.
2.  They enjoy knowing more about things that were interesting a few years ago.
3.  Based upon their admiration of G4 hosts, they have very limited understanding of talent.
4.  They recognize the difference a few degrees can make when cooling ones PC processor.
5.  They are worried about the softening Manga/Anime market.

January 4, 2009

7 things that come in threes

1.  Homo genera - homo habilis, homo erectus, homo sapiens
2.  Asimovian Robot Laws
3.  Gorgons
4.  R's
5.  Condor days
6.  Homer hairs
7.  Arms in the exciting amusement park conclusion of The Fugitive.

January 3, 2009

10 quaint phrases to describe crazy Uncle Charlie's condition.

1.  His ascot is too tight
2.  His spreadsheet doesn't balance
3.  His ukulele needs tuning
4.  He's got salt in his sugar bowl
5.  His sled slides uphill
6.  His bull's got udders
7.  His dictionary's missing its R's
8.  His economy has abandoned the gold standard
9.  His turkey ain't stuffed
10.  His Duck Soup's all Zeppo

January 2, 2009

10 post-holiday thoughts

1.  Stop avoiding overeating at holiday events and start avoiding overeating at non-holiday events.
2.  Stop feeling guilty every time I hear a bell ring.
3.  Abandon goodwill and return to good riddance to my fellow Man.
4.  Banish indoor evergreen to the storage shed.
5.  Drive through streets uncluttered by yokels who have commenced yonder to the big city for shoppin'.
6.  Free to associate with others without fear of debilitating and unrelenting merriness.
7.  Able to again rot brain with television now that the networks are showing some effort - like there's no need for new programming during the second half of December.
8.  Cookies are once again simply tasty and not tasty and jolly.
9.  Able to finally refill prescription which prevents visions of sugar plums.
10.  Eggnog once again just a bad idea and not a reality.

January 1, 2009

10 things I should try to accomplish this year.

1. Lose 10 pounds
2. Considering buying a new house
3. Clean old house
4. Lose 10 more pounds
5. Write something worthwhile that doesn't involve a list
6. Go on a vacation - not likely if the new house happens
7. Develop interesting vices so that next year it will be easier to set goals.
8. Complete sleep study and usher in a new age of snorefree perkiness
9. Visit Des Moines
10. Publish My Daily List Volume One - on sale this spring.