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January 30, 2009

25 random facts about me (some of which may be complete lies.)

1. I have had a pencil eraser shoved somewhere inside of my sinus cavity for 35 years.

2. I once decided to moon my friend through the basement window of his house. As I pressed both cheeks firmly against the window, the glass broke and I fell mostly through the window - imagine sitting on the toilet with the seat up but the rim is made of jagged glass and your ass is in a house. For days following this, it hurt whenever I sat down due to microscopic slivers of ass glass.

3. I applied for an administrative position with Lions Club International. After reviewing my resume, they called to say that they had filled the position from within but wanted to meet with me as a possible replacement for that person's open position. That job would have required me to go to funeral homes and to scoop out the retinas of corpses. Sort of like how you eat a grapefruit but with a sharper knife and vitreous humor rather than citric acid.

4. My friend and I once took his 1968 Dodge Charger Duke Boys-style over a highly pitch railroad crossing at high speed. It took a few tries to get all 4 tires off the ground.

5. My oldest friends know that I've named my colon. Her name is Willhemenia.

6. I once smoked a cigar, chewed tobacco and snuffed snuff up my nose all at the same time. (Vomiting ensued.)

7. One time, I was videotaping a production of "Jeffery." I was one of only two people in the balcony and I shared a polite how-do-you-do with the other man at intermission. Later, I learned that he asked a cast member if I was available and that he was a candidate for State Senate whose placards I'd seen all over town. I was reassured knowing that if I were gay, I'd attract the right sort of man.

8. I proposed to my wife in a cemetery at night. I was dressed as a mad butcher. She was dressed as a cow.

9. I once went into no-appointment necessary salon for a hair cut. The woman at the receptionist desk was wearing an eye-patch, like a pirate. When I told her I wanted a hair cut she led me back to the sinks and washed my hair. "Hmm, I thought, receptionist and hair-washer." Then, she led me to a chair, put a pair of glasses on over her eye-patch and proceeded to cut my hair. I thought, "Well, at least it will be an interesting story." She cut my hair in a bowl cut that was very popular with the 10 year-old boys of that season so I looked foolish, but the cut itself was very professionally done.

10. A man with a lot of camera equipment once told me that I had very nice feet and that they would look good in magazines. I considered his offer but did not pursue my modeling career - although my feet remain one of my better parts.

11. One morning five years ago, as I was taking a shower, I heard the sound of metal hitting the shower floor. I thought, "Great, the shower head is falling apart and now I'll have to replace it" but there were no shower head parts of the floor. Instead, there was a single dime. I'd read that one of the most common poltergeist activities was coins materializing in mid-air. I was fairly new to the house so I took this to mean the dime belong there more than I did. I put it on ledge where you're supposed to keep a bar of soap and it's still there today. Now it's tarnished green.

12. When I was 8 years-old, I won an contest sponsored by Borden. They were looking for a new flavor for their Shake 'N Wait Pudding product line. (A plastic cup with an instant pudding mix. Add ice water, shake for 60 seconds and you've got pudding.) If you've ever eaten anything "banana-berry" flavored, that was my idea.

13. Research suggests that Paul Powell's shoebox money may have been brought to my house while his Chief of Staff tried to figure out what to do with it.

14. My least favorite sound is a vacuum cleaner and, like a dog, it causes me a great deal of stress.

15. I once met B.J Thomas in an elevator in Memphis, TN. We invited him to play poker but he did not come to our room.

16. I dated a girl who was a competitive body-builder. I was okay with the fact that she had bigger muscles than me but it was always weird when I took her to the movies. We had to sit in the last row because she preferred to stand.

17. I once proctored a test for a blind student - 100 multiple choice questions for PSY 101. It was so boring, I fell asleep for about 8 questions but continued reading aloud and writing down each of her answers.

18. I once shot an AK-47 with the FBI S.W.A.T. unit.

19. My dog has required emergency penis surgery on two occasions. He now has an unrelated tendon attached to his man-part so that he cannot possibly express his excitement.

20. I am one of George H.W. Bush's Thousand Points of Light.

21. Years after I graduated, I bumped into my faculty advisor. She was born in the late 1920s and was retired by this point. I remember she liked to sit on the floor when she taught and she was old enough that she when got up, she farted uncontrolably. She was great. As we caught up with each other, she shared that she'd had a sex dream about me.

22. Once, while visiting my parents, a childhood friend knocked on the door asking for me. He explained that since we had last spoken he was focusing on winning the lottery. It was key that he win the lottery since he needed to fund his Bat-cave construction project so that he could train a team of ninjas who could battle the anti-Christ.

23. I've had a gun pointed at me in a threatening manner.

24. A football player once broke my sternum in a mosh pit. There ain't no fixing that, it hurts for life.

25. I once took a boat out into the Adriatic to Venice, Italy. My friends and I got lost and walked and walked until we found our way back to the parking lot on the main land. Who knew it wasn't really an island.

(Which are lies? Which are true?)
1. True 2. True 3. True 4. True 5. Lie, her name is Cynthia 6. True 7. True 8. True 9. True 10. Half lie. I never met that man but I do have remarkably attractive feet. 11. True 12. Lie 13. True 14. True 15. True 16. Lie 17. True 18. True 19. True 20. Lie 21. True 22. True, he's crazy. I was releived when Norman Mailer died of natural causes since, in the 1980's, my friend was obsessed with him and I worried that he might kill him. The crazy friend was living in NYC at that time and was friends with the son of a local man who had written two books on Mailer and was asking all of us to give him Mailers address. 23. True 24. True 25. True


  1. B.J. Thomas performed at one of my high school dances - he was drunk.

  2. There was a high school dance at the hotel that night so there were a lot of teenagers in tuxes. B.J. was wearing a tux with his shirt unbuttoned so that it framed his glorious man-mane. He was covered in a glistening sheen of perspiration. I assumed he was the creepiest date at the dance but my friend recognized him. He'd just finish a show at the art center across the street.