If my job were food it would be . . .

1. A stack of pancakes with maple syrup washed down with a big class of grapefruit juice.
2. Braunschweiger soup
3. Peppermint tongue sandwich
4. Rechewed beans
5. A stew made from idiots, incompetents, leeches, and the otherwise unemployable.

Really good documentaries I watched I Roku

1. Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession
2. King of Kong
3. I Like To Kill Flies
4. Harvard Beat Yale 29-29

10 arguments in the same vein as "It was an awfully cool August so there's no such thing as global warming."

1. I didn't die today so I must be immortal.
2. I didn't have to go into work today so I must be unemployed.
3. It's not my birthday so I must have been created in a lab.
4. Mike Tyson has never thrown a punch at me so he must be afraid of me.
5. I love chicken so I must be a rooster.
6. I looked at the calendar so I must be able to see the future.
7. I'm typing this list so my name must be Gutenberg
8. The sky is red at sunset so I must be on Mars.
9. Heidi Montag danced on TV so she must be talented.
10. No one called me a moron today so I must be a genius.

Things that are tucked inside H.R. 3200 - for God's sake read the bill!

1. Cash for Kidneys organ harvesting program
2. Government mandated cancer

3. Government option is a punchcard which allows five medical contacts per year - but you get a free bottle of Viagra if you use all of the punches.

4. Tic Tac mints now considered analgesics
5. Morgues required to hire recruiters for Obama's army of the undead
6. Democratic precinct chairs allowed to smother random grandmothers

10 things, other than ketchup, that are tasty with french fries.

1. Habanero honey (this is also my stripper name)
2. Cocktail sauce
3. Welsh rarebit sauce
4. Vinegar
5. Gravy
6. Oregano and lemon juice
7. Chipotle mayonnaise
8. BBQ sauce
9. Honey mustard
10. Milkshake

10 words you can use to insult stupid people

1. Prevaricate
2. Abscond
3. Finagle
4. Controvert
5. Repine
6. Atrabilious
7. Pernicious
8. Edacious
9. Rapacious
10. Anesthetic

Plaid things that are kinda cool

1. Scotch Brand Invisible Tape
2. Rowdy Roddy Piper
3. Butterscotch Schnapps bottles
4. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
5. Catholic school girl skirts
6. 80's era burn-out shirts

6 dicey live-action children's programs from my youth

1. The Harlem Globetrotters Popcorn Machine - with Rodney Allen Rippy
2. Shazam/Isis
3. Eltra-Woman and Dynagirl/Dr. Shrinker
4. Far Out Spacenuts - with Bob Denver
5. The Ghostbusters - with Larry Storch
6. The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Hour with Rod Hull and his angry emu

What to expect on the first day of the school year.

1. No parking spaces
2. Returning students happy to be back (until the homework starts)
3. People who look lost
4. Crazy people (they always come out of the woodwork and decide that the first day of the year is the best day to decide to go back to school.)
5. Girls wearing their "first day of school" outfits.
6. People wearing pajamas in public.
7. Financial aid cons skipping out now that they have their money.

State fair combinations that I enjoy

1. Corn dogs and lemon shake-ups
2. Tube tops and tans
3. Carnival rides and screaming kids
4. Rainstorms and beer tents
5. Curry and import beer
6. Hot grease and things on sticks
7. Gaudy lights and cool breezes
8. Butter cows and cream puffs

10 State Fair combinations I could do without.

1. Cankles and stretch pants
2. Eating dinner and the wafting aroma a cow dung
3. Cheap beer and high prices
4. Cover bands and functional auditory organs
5. Old ladies and prison tats
6. Large pedestrian crowds and idiots driving golf carts
7. Sham-wow barkers and holy-rollers
8. Red-necks and T-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
9. Carnival rides and not having a last will and testament
10. 80's rock bands and songs from their new albums

More productive uses for cable news people

1. Spittoons
2. Door stops. (This will require them to develop a higher-level skill set.)
3. Boiler fuel for low-income housing. (Glenn Beck could heat a Chicago tenement for the entire month of February.)
4. Toilet paper
5. Footballs. (Whenever someone did something stupid, my grandmother would suggest that they should use their heads for something besides a football. Lots of footballs on cable news.)
6. Soylent Green, although that stuff's made from humans so maybe not.
7. Boxes of rocks
8. Douche nozzles
9. Garbage cans
10. Sorry, I tried to come up with 10 but these jerks don't really have any productive use.

Other people who we might stash away in Gitmo.

1. Vegans
2. People who use the word "bling"
3. Everyone appearing on a reality show broadcast on E!, TLC, or Bravo including any Real Housewife or people with too many children.
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Lazy PhDs
6. Anyone who tells it like it is - it's never quite how they tell it.
7. Women who drive black SUVs
8. Cable news people. (I know I say this all the time but the world would be immediately improved if we drowned them all like an unwanted litter of kittens.)
9. Tweens (They might be productive citizens if we separated them from society now.)
10. Me. (This is easier than putting the rest of you morons there.)

10 indications that My Daily List has jumped the shark

1. There's only so many things you can say about hobos, junk food, old movies, and Sarah Palin.
2. Other bloggers show the common decency to quit blogging after a month or so.
3. The first 500 lists were a desperate cry for attention. The second 500 are proving to be just desperate.
4. No longer able to get a surge of readers by writing a list about nerds. (The Boy Who Cried Nerd)
5. Lists now take either 8 hours to write or 5 minutes to slop together.
6. Other list blogs have sold out so listing has lost it's indie edge.
7. Vast readership has abandoned the blog in favor of more entertaining and productive endeavors like picking scabs, sitting at the mall staring at teenage girls, and reforming healthcare.
8. Most of my readers are moms and that is sooo not cool.

9.  This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.  This is my brain on lists.

10. Most lists now written by Cousin Oliver.

Top ten leading ladies of the past decade

Jeve wondered who today's Top Ten might be so here's my shot:

1. Sandra Bullock (ok)
2. Meryl Streep (ok)
3. Renee Zellweger (Spongebob Scrunchface)
4. Angelina Jolie (meh)
5. Jessica Alba (she would be great in those Old Navy mannequin commercials)
6. Jennifer Aniston (I think she makes movies in between topless magazine covers and articles about how much she misses Brad.)
7. Keira Knightly (she does not have an eating disorder)
8. Cameron Diaz (she's her own biggest fan)
9. Scarlett Johansson (she's got some big talents)
10. Dakota Fanning (more talented than almost all of these ladies)

In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading ladies of the Depression era.

1. Barbara Stanwyck
2. Kay Francis
3. Jean Arthur
4. Irene Dunne
5. Myrna Loy
6. Bette Davis
7. Carole Lombard
8. Kathryn Hepburn
9. Jean Harlow
10. Ginger Rogers

In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading men of the Depression era.

1. Cary Grant
2. Spencer Tracy
3. James Cagney
4. Clark Gable
5. William Powell
6. Robert Montgomery
7. Gary Cooper
8. Paul Muni
9. Charles Laughton
10. Fredric March

5 things comic nerds have been up to since Comic Con

1. Just coming up for air after weeks of reading back issues.
2. Tirelessly logging their displeasure with the GI Joe movie on website throughout the Internet.
3. Getting a head start on next year's costume so that they can live down this year's male camel toe fiasco.
4. Waiting for that cosplay girl to call - hopefully she didn't lose your number.
5. Slowly returning to a post-con, real-world life devoid of cleavage and filled with disappointment.

What you need to do to dismantle MY America.

1. Close all of the sno-cones stands.
2. Ban iPhone games.
3. Pay attention to morons who repeat what they've been told.
4. Add fruit flavors to beer.
5. Repeat what you've been told.
6. Make it illegal to lie on the couch.
7. That thing you heard . . . repeat it.
8. Tell me that I can't strut.
9. What you hear on TV or the radio. It's true. Repeat it as if it's fact.
10 Allow morons, who accept everything they've been told as fact without investing any effort to educate themselves or to pursue any critical review of those "facts", to control our public discourse.

what I did with all my free time today

1. Took a brisk walk to the end of my desk and back
2. Hurried
3. Exhaled
4. Worried about the dismantling of my America
5. Stupid list

What Rep. Redstate actually has on his Day Planner

8:00 - 900 - Wake up!!! I don't care which whore you woke up next to, get to the office.
9:00 - 9:45 - Score some coke.
9:45 - 10:00 - Ask staffers what you should think. Check out the new pages. Schwing.
10:00 - 12:00 - morning sesssion, it's gonna be a long night, catch some ZZZZs
12:00 - 1:00 - Quickie
1:00 - 3:00 - Afternoon session - try that Twitter thing
3:00 - 4:00 - Tell the pages you're doing job interviews (don't tell them what kind of job you want)
4:00 - 5:00 - Get talking points from Party - suggest "Obama's Death Committee"
5:00 - 6:00 - Pick up penicillin, salve
6:00 - 10:00 - Pharm. lobbyist. Do exactly as they tell you but get the money first.
10:00 - 10:15 - Call you know who. Make sure no one has found that hooker's body.
10:15 - 10:30 - Make a call - get rid of you know who.

What Rep. Redstate would like you to think is his Day Planner has in store for him.

8:00 - 9:00 - Prayer breakfast
9:00 - 9:45 - Read all of the bills currently under discussion - take your time and read slowly and carefully.
9:45 - 10:00 - Quietly reflect upon the sanctity of marriage
10:00 - 12:00 - Morning session
12:00 - 1:00 - Listen to Rush, eat sandwich
1:00 - 300 - Afternoon session
3:00 - 4:00 - shoot and field-dress moose.
4:00 - 5:00 - pray, clean gun
5:00 - 6:00 - Dr's appointment (don't worry, it's free)
6:00 - 10:00 - Meet with pharm. reps about grassroots movement. Get $$$
10:00 - 10:15 - Pray, count $$$
10:15 - 10:30 - Call wife, pray as a couple, discussing shooting something.

10 favorite iPhone games.

1. Fieldrunners
2. The Deep (pinball)
3. Squares
4. Flight Control
5. Peggle
6. Unblock Me
7. Nine Gaps
8. The Price Is Right
9. Moonlights
10. Movie Lights

(I should probably be doing something more productive)

Did I mention I saw the world's scariest bug? Here are some other bugs.

This bad boy was an inch long

1. Dune Buggy by The Presidents of the United States
2. Bugs Bunny
3. The Bugaloos - like H.R. Puffinstuff but with bugs
4. Marty Feldman - he was bug-eyed
5. Scrooge - bah, humbug!

UPDATE: It appears that this may be a velvet ant which is a wingless wasp often called a cow killer because their sting is so painful it is said to be enough to kill a cow.

A plan in development: How to deal with the national crisis that is E! televsion network.

1. Airlift Joel McHale and his fellow writers to a better basic cable network.
2. Poison the vats of spray-tan in the TMZ
3. Make the paparazzi an offer they can't refuse.
4. Sit down with the Kardashians and have a heart-to-heart talk in which they come to the realization that they are uninteresting and pudgy.
5. Have Obama make a national address in which he explains that the concept of celebrity news may exist but that "news" implies more than reading US Magazine on the air or telling us that some 14 year-old starlet thinks she'll be a good mom.
6. If Obama national address doesn't work, activate National Guard.

sugar is to sweet as Dead Head is to . . .

1. Entering third decade of living in parents' house.
2. Needs a bath, haircut, shave.
3. Isn't sure where they left their van.
4. Has desperately searched for meaning in other jam bands since 8/9/95.
5. Staring at what might be a fly on the ceiling . . .wait, no just a shadow. Still, that's a pretty cool shadow 'cause it looks just like a fly.
6. Making pancakes.
7. Thinking about going back to school (where sleeping late and accomplishing nothing is an acceptable lifestyle.)
8. Trying to get the band together tonight.
9. Sitting in a job interview explaining that dreads have antecedents in island culture and are not the result of not shampooing.
10. Truckin' (for what that's worth.)

My life (my life) would not suck (would not suck) without you.

1. Comcast Cable
2. Politicians
3. Richard Marx
4. Tie-dyed shirts
5. Unnecessarily fat people (chunky is fine, big-boned is fine, but stop at 14 trips to the buffet already, you can't even walk.)
6. "Experts"
7. Drama queens - men and women
8. Paula Abdul - oops, never mind
9. Anyone who waits until August and then think "hey, I oughts ta go back ta school."
10. Daily List

Why yesterday's list didn't appear until today

1. Comcast employees occasionly mistake wires for black licorice.
2. Comcast Internet service is designed to work ONLY if you don't use it.
3. I keep forgetting that there are usage limitations: 50Kb per day.
4. Comcast policy (my true understanding): until you pay us to come out to investigate why our system isn't working, our opinion is that it's working just fine - if you weren't so stupid, you'd understand.
5. Oh yeah, I forgot, Comcast sucks.
(To be clear, I've not had a problem with any of the cable systems in my town until Comcast came in and, within moments, started sucking. As I've noted before, the first thing they did was to add a $10 modem rental fee to my bill. When I called to report that I owned my modem, they responded, "We don't know who does or doesn't own their modems so we charged everyone.)

Mydailylist's guide to understanding the symptoms of depression (and determining if you need a happy pill.)

1. Do you not want to get up in the morning to go to your soul-numbing job?
2. When meeting others, do you wish you could punch them in the face?
3. In the morning, do you have difficulty choosing between rum and corn flakes for breakfast?
4. Do you care/worry about Brangelina? Is it happy?
5. Do you deep-fry salads, Tubby?
6. Do you feel the constant pressure of writing lists?
7. Did you buy a dog so you'd have something to kick?
8. Did you get married so you'd have something to kick?
9. In recent weeks, did you feel you had no other option but to leave your position in Alaska state government?
10. When you saw the new Michael Phelps Subway commercial, did you argue to the point of tears that that song couldn't possibly be called Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.

10 comic book movies I'd like to see (and might get to soon in some cases.)

1.  Fables

2.  Dr. Strange

3.  Preacher

4.  Kick Ass

5.  Micronauts 

6.  Moon Shadow

7.  American Flagg

8.  She-Hulk (the clever series not that other junk)

9.  Y: The Last Man 

10.  Archie Vs. The Punisher