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May 4, 2009

In preparation for the Vancouver Winter Olympics, Skate Canada wants to make figure skating "more masculine." Here are 7 suggestions.

The story

1. Wear NASCAR driver's suits and skate laps around the rink. Bumping is allowed to get the crowd excited but remember you're trying to be more manly so never team bumping with grinding.

2. Update pair skating to no-holds-barred cage-match pair skating.

3. Consider the behavior of athletes in more manly sports like baseball, basketball, and football. The next time your friend lands a triple-double Lutz combo, rush out on the ice and give him a congratulatory smack on the butt.

4. Rules change: Highest and lowest scores and no longer thrown out. Instead, those two judges must fight with those American Gladitor Q-tip things. Only count the score of the survivor.

5. Marry Katie Holmes

6. Toe Loops now called Spinning Blades of Death, Lutzes now call Lee Marvins, Camel Spin now called Giving the Boys Some Fresh Air.

7. Effective immediately, this man is no longer the Father of Modern Figure Skating. Best not to name a replacement.


  1. #5, yes! Oh, she's taken. But she wasn't taken when I met her in a bookstore in NC circa 1998, a story that is 100% true. Had I known her preference for men who jump on couches, I would have done so.

  2. Very funny lists. They made me laugh. Did you make up all of them?

  3. Tashabud: Thanks, I hope you come around often. All lists are 100% homemade fresh daily. I always note when list is written by a list which usually means that I drank too much and my wife writes something for me. She does give me good suggestions too - she came up with the idea for this list.

  4. JT: I forgot to ask you. NC circa 1998? This was before her vacant stare. Did she seem human back then or was it clear that she had a Stepford Wife hiding within her?

  5. Yeah, this was when she was filming Dawson's Creek in Wilmington, NC. She seemed really shy and humble, but still human. And taller than I had imagined.