1. Wear NASCAR driver's suits and skate laps around the rink. Bumping is allowed to get the crowd excited but remember you're trying to be more manly so never team bumping with grinding.
2. Update pair skating to no-holds-barred cage-match pair skating.
3. Consider the behavior of athletes in more manly sports like baseball, basketball, and football. The next time your friend lands a triple-double Lutz combo, rush out on the ice and give him a congratulatory smack on the butt.
4. Rules change: Highest and lowest scores and no longer thrown out. Instead, those two judges must fight with those American Gladitor Q-tip things. Only count the score of the survivor.
5. Marry Katie Holmes
6. Toe Loops now called Spinning Blades of Death, Lutzes now call Lee Marvins, Camel Spin now called Giving the Boys Some Fresh Air.
7. Effective immediately, this man is no longer the Father of Modern Figure Skating. Best not to name a replacement.
