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May 24, 2009

Dear Richard "Rich" Fairbanks, CEO Capital One Bank

I've recently received a letter saying that you will be converting my 12.9% APR into a "promotional rate" and that when the newly coined "promotional rate" expires my new APR will be 17.9% . It seems like just yesterday that my APR was 10.9%. Thankfully, I am not an average American when it comes to credit card debt and I don't owe $8400 on my credit card. If I were, this rate change to existing balances would cost me $115 additional interest ($411 in total interest) each month making it more likely that I might sink further and further into debt with you.

I imagine that loan-sharking damages your stellar reputation so I wanted to suggest a few new business ventures that might make you seem more ethical or moral:

1. Meth lab chemist
2. Back alley organ harvester
3. South of the border burro-porn star
4. Warren G. Harding impersonator
5. Creepy party clown
6. South American dictator
7. Human trafficker
8. Congressman
9. Public relations rep for the tobacco industry
10. Professional boxing promoter

You will likely need to do this under an assumed name since it would be hard to make it in a new business burdened by the name Rich Fairbanks. It would be a shame to use a pseudonym that didn't reflect your identity as well as your actual name. How about:

1. Dick Dickington
2. I. M. Douchenozzle (a good German name)
3. Howie Sucksabigone
4. Baiton Switcher*
5. Roger Mahynie
6. Willie Sleepatnite
7. Adam Swindler
8. Bill M. Retroactively
9. Robin Ulegally
10. Lance Meimaboilontherumpofsociety

*Yes, according to the White Pages, there is one guy in Arkansas with the first name Baiton.


  1. Can we add Professional Pedophile? Name: Moe Lester

  2. There are so many other names I could add, but I'll keep it at what you have here. Great post!

  3. Kate: Another thing to check off my life list: Have someone ask me if we can add a professional pedophile - check.

    Nate: Thanks for stopping by. I'm not sure if I've stumbled upon your blog before but I have you in my reader now.

  4. That was the funniest thing i have read in a long time, i wish i had had you to write my credit card letters to the company when they cut me off after i paid them down $7000 with no late payments.....That was great!

  5. surveygirl: It's funny how jerks like Rich Fairbanks stop loving you once you are no longer in their control. It's as if they are acknowledging that their plan was for you to die in debt to them.

  6. Don't forget....this all happened after our fabulous 6.99% interest rate was arbitrarily doubled after 8 years with no explanation other than 'you were randomly chosen...' Those two increases were applied in the two years since despite paying down our balance every month and on time. Oh yeah, and if we ever WERE late, our interest rate would have jumped to nearly 30% as punishment. A-holes.

  7. I used to have allot of trust in Capital One. Then they bumped my APR all the way from 8.9% to 10.9% to 17.9%.
    What a bunch of criminals! I phoned them to ask them why they were bending me over, and I got some guy in India who said because of the economy, they had no choice but to force their responsible customers to pay for their deadbeat customers not paying their bills.
    Well, to make a long story short, I was able to pay off these crooks $6800 with my Wells Fargo Mastercharge card, and $2000 from my personal checking account. Now, I will bend over one more time so they can kiss my A$$!