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February 3, 2010

The Sandra Bullock Step-By-Step Guide to Winning an Oscar

Step one: (this is the hard part.) Spend years making movies in which you play characters that middle-aged women say are totally just like their best friends (but secretly think are totally like them.)

Step two: Make sure that you're attractive so that middle-aged women's boyfriends/husbands don't mind being forced to watch your movie BUT not so attractive that the boyfriends/husbands think you're out of their league.

Step three: Hire a publicist who specializes in convincing others that you deserve an Oscar.

Step four: Convince a studio executive that it's more cost-effective to push your average genre movie as an Oscar contender than to invest money and effort into a prestige film.

Step five: Flatter a group of bloggers and small-town movie reviewers by saying that you truly care about their opinion of your new movie and that you would like to include their thoughts in your nationally broadcast commercials. (Ignore any that don't fall for the flattery and tell you the truth.)

Step six: Join the ranks other great actresses like Sally Kirkland, Melanie Griffith, Sharon Stone, and Madonna by winning a Golden Globe.

Step seven: Participate in a long interview in which you discuss how difficult it was to portray a human woman and how the opportunity to do so allowed you to transition from comedienne to serious actress. Be certain to express this in the form of a thank you as in "thank you for allowing me to transition from comedienne to serious actress" Repeat these responses to anyone who will interview you.

Step eight: Have your publicist send out a press release committing one million dollars to poor suffering people. (If the Oscar race doesn't coincide with a natural disaster, consider adopting a baby with dark brown or yellow skin. DO NOT adopt a baby with light brown skin since your public wants to keep them in their own countries.)


  1. I can't even bring myself to see the movie. I have no desire. It seems SO inflated.

  2. And if those don't work, give fake noses and retardation a spin.

  3. lol, i chuckled while reading these.