5 reasons I'm not watching tonight's Presidential address.

1. I couldn't lie on the couch and stand up to applaud every 60 seconds.
2. Can't take time away from collecting aluminum cans for my retirement account.
3. It only takes a few moments for me to get lost in Barack's eyes and then there's no telling what I'll support. Nationalize banking? Whatever you say Barry.
4. That Geitner guy - he has drag queen eyebrows (I swear someone said these exact words to me just now.)
5. The President's Keynesian policies force me to accept that I can't tell my Keynes from a hole in the ground - I don't even know what that sentence means I'm so clueless.

As long as you're stuck watching a chick flick, here are 5 ways to make them more watchable.

1. Add super-intelligent apes who have set their simian sights on global geopolitical domination.
2. Barack Obama. He can fix anything.
3. Male lead's debilitating disease is miraculously cured before the first plot point so that the rest of the movie can focus on Wolverine fighting robots.
4. Boobs
5. Matthew McConaughey role played by Alien. Kate Hudson role played by Predator.

WTF OBAMA LEFT TOWN!!! How my world has changed since Air Force One lifted off.

1. Hope-ier has devolved into hopeyish. Funny how there's a 'y' in hopeyish and not hope-ier.
2. The twittering of local bluebirds echoes with sadness
3. It is clear to me now that our glittering streets are just ordinary streets. Turns out the glitter was nothing more than the sun reflecting off pools of hobo urine.
4. I had hoped to ask him for a heart or brain or courage but I didn't get anywhere near him. All I got was road blocks and shattered dreams.
5. My stimulated package is now experiencing double-digit deflation.

OMG OBAMA'S IN TOWN!! How my world has changed since Air Force One touched down.

1. The grass is greener on my side of the fence.
2. My future is hope-ier even without my regular tequila "enhancement"
3. I've received a billion dollars to put unemployed lesbian ecologists to work weatherstripping Planned Parenthood offices.
4. Household unemployment rate at a staggering 60%. Stupid lay-about pets ruining our economic indicators.
5. My package is stimulated.