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June 13, 2009

ATTENTION LOCAL REDNECKS! I have questions for you.

1.  I might understand how you can't sit through a stop-light without spitting out the window, but how do you generate SO much spit? 
2.  Abraham Lincoln's corpse lives here.  What's with the giant Confederate flag on your pickup?
3.  I realize that you can't see your own elbows - do you know that they need a good cleaning?
4.  I know it's a fashion statement but did anyone mention that your shirt is considered underwear?
5.  Summer is a great time for outdoor festivals and community concerts.  Do you have to bring your pitbull to all of them?*
6.  Why do you ride a Schwinn Stingray? Do they even make those bikes anymore?
7.  When you get dressed up, do you buy a new ball cap or do you just have a formal ball cap you hold aside for special occasions?
8.  Why do you wear your sunglasses on the back of your head?
9.  You do realize that Camel is a brand of cigarettes and not a designer fashion label?

* Yes, yes, pitbull weirdos, it's the owner not the breed.  Although you rarely see thuggish morons  walking a poodle named Killbot so don't blame the rest of the world if we connect the breed to the morons who seem attracted to them.


  1. Excellent list...but rednecks can't usually read...

  2. VE: My plan is for them to see this list posted on a bulletin board at the Jiffy Lube and that someone reads it to them.

  3. This is great! As part redneck, I have some answers. Rednecks generate so much spit from chewing tobacco all the time. They actually wash their ball caps in the dishwasher! Taking care to do them on the top rack! I LOVE #9!!

  4. Ungirdled: I've chewed tobacco when I was a teenager but it always made me want to puke. My question is, if the tobacco causes that much spit, shouldn't like shrivel up like Sponge Bob in Sandy's tree dome?