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July 9, 2009

A My Daily List cooking tip: how to kill that tasty lobster without all of the guilt.

1. Encourage it to smoke by showing it old movies with rugged leading-lobsters who smoke filterless Chesterfield. Wait 30 years.
2. Set it up on a date with Kate Gosselin. Once it wishes it were dead you'll be doing it a favor with the big pot of boiling water.
3. The lobster will be filled with nostalgia and hope when you suggest to your friend, Vito, that the lobster should be "swimming with the fishes."
4. Suggest you heard another lobster saying that its tail is fat, that it's an ugly arthropod that no one could love, and that the world would be a better place without it. Provide whiskey and noose.
5. Congratulate the lobster on winning a once-in-a-lifetime chance to go skydiving. Forget to pack the chute.
6. Boil large pot of water. Skip initial dares and move directly to a double-dog-dare to get the lobster in the pot - even lobsters can't back down from a double-dog-dare.
7. Nurture lobster's singing ability and help it achieve a chart-topping recording career. Then, feed it a diet of grilled 'nana and peanut butter sandwiches, Dexedrine, and Demerol. Wait 20 years.
8. Under the pretense of a family renunion weekend, book the lobster in a bed and breakfast in Cabot Cove, Maine.
9. Have the lobster cast as the hunky lead in next season's The Bachelor. Have melted butter waiting for first hottub scene.
10. Tell Joe Pesci that the lobster thinks he's funny.


  1. One of the reasons I can't eat lobster is the guilt. You've just given me 10 Good ways to get around it!

  2. 11. Offer to take lobster on a nice drive through Dallas in a convertible. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

    12. Lock him in a room with nothing but fresh razor blades and Depeche Mode records.

  3. Michael: would you feel guilty picking up a june bug and eating it? Same thing with lobsters.

    Earl: Excellent additions. I can see that you fell right into the groove I was groovin' on.