The Sarah Palin guide to who can and cannot use the word "retard".

1. Rahm Emanuel - absolutely not.
2. Rush Limbaugh - of course, what are you, a retar . . . I mean, don't be foolish.
3. David Letterman - nope.
4. Playgirl models - nope.
5. People who use teleprompters - nope.
6. People who write buzz words on their hands because their principles are so shallow they're hard to remember - you betcha.
7. Partisan whores who are willing to exploit special needs children, even their own, if it advances their career - yes, but only in strategy sessions and not in public when cameras are present.
8. Uppity bloggers who write posts about scumbags - who knows but keep an eye on Fox News to see if they provide an answer.

5 ways to tell if your elective representative to Congress is a Democrat.

1. Place it in a large paper bag. Thoroughly wet the bag. If it sits impotently waiting for someone from the other side of the aisle to help it, it's a Democrat.

2. Present it with a small child who has a lollipop. Tell it that it must have the lollipop and cannot take no for an answer. If it develops a compromise in which all citizens must purchase a lifetime supply of lollipops from Big Candy Companies, it's a Democrat.

3. Ask it to change a lightbulb. If it says the task is impossible without the help of 59 other people, it's a Democrat.

4. Ask it to start a recreational basketball team. When the team arrives at the gym for the first game ask it if it is prepared to win the game. If it insists that adding touchdowns and homeruns is a contingency of even playing the game, it's a Democrat. If it insists that the other team be given a 100 point head start, it's a Democratic leader.

5. Make a peanut butter sandwich that the two of you will share. Tell it that you will cut the sandwich in half but that it will get to pick a half first. Cut the sandwich into 4/5 and 1/5 pieces. If it picks the smaller piece and then dances about excitedly shouting "Woo hoo! Sucka!!"it's a Democrat.

The Sandra Bullock Step-By-Step Guide to Winning an Oscar

Step one: (this is the hard part.) Spend years making movies in which you play characters that middle-aged women say are totally just like their best friends (but secretly think are totally like them.)

Step two: Make sure that you're attractive so that middle-aged women's boyfriends/husbands don't mind being forced to watch your movie BUT not so attractive that the boyfriends/husbands think you're out of their league.

Step three: Hire a publicist who specializes in convincing others that you deserve an Oscar.

Step four: Convince a studio executive that it's more cost-effective to push your average genre movie as an Oscar contender than to invest money and effort into a prestige film.

Step five: Flatter a group of bloggers and small-town movie reviewers by saying that you truly care about their opinion of your new movie and that you would like to include their thoughts in your nationally broadcast commercials. (Ignore any that don't fall for the flattery and tell you the truth.)

Step six: Join the ranks other great actresses like Sally Kirkland, Melanie Griffith, Sharon Stone, and Madonna by winning a Golden Globe.

Step seven: Participate in a long interview in which you discuss how difficult it was to portray a human woman and how the opportunity to do so allowed you to transition from comedienne to serious actress. Be certain to express this in the form of a thank you as in "thank you for allowing me to transition from comedienne to serious actress" Repeat these responses to anyone who will interview you.

Step eight: Have your publicist send out a press release committing one million dollars to poor suffering people. (If the Oscar race doesn't coincide with a natural disaster, consider adopting a baby with dark brown or yellow skin. DO NOT adopt a baby with light brown skin since your public wants to keep them in their own countries.)