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April 4, 2009

10 economic concepts applied to higher education.

1. Toxic assets: faculty members the day after they receive tenure.
2. Stimulus: the tendency for 18-years old girls to begin wearing micro-shorts as soon as the temperature reaches 40 degrees.
3. Bull market: Philosophy classes.
4. Depression: admission requirement for English Literature majors.
5. Entitlement programs: stipends required to get faculty to demonstrate a work ethic. (Sort of like plugging quarters into the pony rides at your local K-Mart. They're nothing but inanimate objects until they hear the sweet jingle of quarters.)
6. Shovel-ready projects: ? Must have something to do with free-trade coffee beans or organic farming. Who shovels anymore anyway?
7. Joblessness: "Hey, don't look at me, I just grade 'em. That's why have a Career Services Office. Now where's my stipend?"
8. Housing bubble: dorm rooms in which the inhabitants only stop blogging, gaming, tweeting, etc. in order to talk about blogging, gaming, tweeting, etc.
9. Recession: what student athletes think they've declared as a major.
10. Bailout: what staff and administration must do whenever the faculty mess something up.

To my Elmer friends (PhD is pronounced Fudd) just yanking your chain - except for you useless ones.


  1. Boo on #4!
    All the others made me laugh though. :)

  2. Denise: earning my English BA was one of the most depressing experiences of my life. Isn't it like that for everyone?