Unemployed? Friendless? It doesn't matter why you have so much free time, these great blogs will help you waste away the tedious hours you have left on this earth.

April 21, 2009

10 fascinating animal facts which you'll never see on Animal Planet because I made them up.

1. The typical dog urinates 5 gallons a day, typically on its owner's carpet.
2. The spotted owl is legally allowed to vote in Oregon Congressional elections, regardless of their state of residency.
3. The blue whale is the biggest jerk of the animal kingdom. (Swordfish are pricks.)
4. If you do not milk a cow twice-a-day, it will explode. Al-Queda has successfully inserted sleeper-cows into California dairy farms which will, when called upon, insert udder bungs thereby rendering themselves unmilkable. This is why they're so determined to convince you that they're happy cows.
5. Rabbits are the natural worlds most dangerous animal. Terrible drivers, shouldn't be allowed on the road.
6. Chimpanzees make remarkably good soup. Wait, no! I don't mean that you should eat a chimp. I mean they're really good cooks.
7. Penguins are completely capable of flying but choose not to so that others will feel sorry for them.
8. President Franklin Roosevelt carried a pet gerbil in his suit coat pocket. When he said, in his first inaugural address, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself," the "we" he referenced was he and Petey the pocket gerbil.
9. The emu was created by Philo Lindenhurstenburger in 1889 in an effort to win the love of Sarah Bernhardt who complained to a Paris newspaper that ostriches "are tediously common."
10. The chicken came first.


  1. I believe you. Your 'facts' are hypnotically compelling. I occasionally eat with Congolese friends, who have very interesting stories about diet: Cane rat, snake, bush meat (meat with a primate face). I normally make pasta. They like that, too.

  2. I agree with #5. Where are our leaders when we really need them? They are completely ignoring this issue.

    As for #10, I thought the rooster would have to come first....

  3. I do not doubt #2 in the least! But it does make me wonder why their college football team is the DUCKS instead of the OWLS.

  4. Husbands: pay no attention to the fact that these facts are made up - they're still completely true. By the way, my local pizza place offers cane rat as a topping. I think they did this to get around a health inspection finding.

    Brianne: Nothing more fun than adding syllables to a made up name.

    JT: It will take a tragedy to get them to address the issue.

    Me-Me: I swear that AP recently reported that Rep. Peter DeFazio (no relation to Laverne) said to Portland Internation Airport security, "Do you know who I am? You'll answer to the owls for this indignity" I swear this is true and not made up.