Face front culture warriors: 9 things you can do to protect marriage.

1. When transporting marriage, carefully wrap it in gay-proof bubble wrap.

2. Marry and divorce as often as possible. Each successive marriage becomes harder and more calloused so there's less chance for damage.

3. In today's troubled economy, consider moving capital from marriage stocks to marriage bonds.

4. Remember, trophy wives need maintence. Be sure to buff and polish them daily or they'll get all middle-agey on you.

5. Hire a team of security guards to protect marriage. Be careful though since security guards tend to be very fit and muscular and gay men like to work out. You might accidently hire gays and leave them alone and in charge of marriage.

6. When protecting marriage in a blizzard on the planet Hoth, cut open a tauntaun and insert marriage into its still warm viscera. (This one is specifically for nerds who want to protect marriage.)

7. If marriage gets too close to a pig, make sure it washes its hands - sing happy birthday to make sure marriage has washed its hands long enough.

8. Institute a color-coded marriage threat level ....Low or Green for Massachusetts allows gay marriage....Guarded or Blue for California allows gay marriage....Elevated or Yellow for Iowa allows gay marriage....High or Orange for Texas allows gay marriage.....Severe or Red if Bobby Jindal marries Tim Pawlenty. (Warning: ignore the fact that an illustration of this system will look like a rainbow or you will endanger marriage.)

9. Hire publicist and whore yourself on any cable news program that will book you.