5 Krusty the Clown sidekicks.

1.  Sideshow Bob

2.  Sideshow Mel

3.  Sideshow Raheem

4.  Sideshow Luke Perry

5.  Mr. Teeny

5 tasty things that corn gives us

1.  Corn on the cob

2.  Popcorn

3.  Tortilla

4.  Hominy

5.  Corn bread

11 thoughts Sarah Palin studied which all came out in one breathless paragraph (with limited support from verbs.)

1.  healthcare reform

2.  shore up our economy

3.  job creation

4.  shore up our economy (again)

5.  back on the right track

6.  healthcare reform (again)

7.  reducing taxes

8.  reining in spending

9.  tax relief for Americans

10.  see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um scary thing

11.  umbrella of job creation

5 cool cars I saw at the International Mother Road Festival.

1.  1965 Volvo

2.  1969 Falcon van

3.  1974 Pinto

4.  1970 Dodge Challenger

5.  1962 Ford Starliner

8 cool robots - excludes androids and anything created by George Lucas.

1.  Robbie - Forbidden Planet

2.  Gort - The Day the Earth Stood Still

3.  Bender Bending Rodriguez - Futurama

4.  H.E.R.B.I.E. - Fantastic Four cartoon

5.  Rosey - the Jetson's maid

6.  Maria - Metropolis

7. T 1000 -  Terminator II

8.  Fembots - Austin Powers

5 gimmicks, other than suspending your Presidential campaign (while continuing to campaign), that will solve our financial crisis.

1. Insist for an additional $20 billion to encourage Taco Bell corporate management to return the Chicken Ranch Gordita to the menu. It won't help the economy, but they are filling and will be necessary when we can only afford to eat twice a week.

2. Put all of our national reserves into Chicago Cub products. If they win World Series, that stuff will be worth a fortune.

3. Assure the country that you have top secret plan to resolve the crisis which you keep with your top secret plan to capture Bin Laden and which you'll put into action once elected.

4. Attend debate, look opponent directly in the eye, and in a firm voice say, "A person incapable of leading us through this crisis says 'what'."

5. Tell those who are actually working on an agreement to salvage our economy that you will hold your breathe until they agree on something.

5 words or phrases that you should try to keep out of your obituary

1. "recently indicted"

2. "corpulent"

3. "bedazzled"

4. "reality show star"

5. "good for nothing" (also "celebutante", "pundit", "blogger")

5 rock bands that would make great muffins

1. The Cranberries

2. Bananarama

3. Korn

4. Smashing Pumpkins

5. Strawberry Alarm Clock

7 cars I've called my own.

1. AMC Matador
2. Ford Mustang
3. Renault Alliance
4. Ford Escort
5. Oldsmobile Calais
6. Mitsubishi Galant
7. Toyota Prius

5 people who were listed In Memorium on the Emmy broadcast who I didn't know had died.

1.  Larry Harmon

2.  Delbert Mann

3.  Harvey Korman

4.  Alice Ghostly

5.  Stan Winston

5 questions that answer themselves

1.  I wonder why nobody steals those ugly floral displays people hang on their doors?

2.  Does this dress make me look fat?

3.  What?  Do you think I'm stupid?

4.  Do I have to tell you again?

5.  Are you listening to me?

6 things you won't find in Clue.

1.  Candlestick Park

2.  The Beatles' Revolver album

3.  Alfred Hitchcock's 1948 movie Rope

4.  Mack the Knife

5.   Foo Fighter's Monkey Wrench

6.  A lead pipe.  If you haven't played a modern version of the game, they've "improved" it.  

4 potential reasons behind the current state of my 401K

1. Simple physics. As we move into the fall, cooler temperatures result in contraction.

2. NBC's Biggest Loser returns and brings my account along with it.

3. As George Castanza might suggest: shrinkage.

4. Look Honey, I Shrunk the Nest Egg

I wrote this list at about 9:30 pm and was struggling to come up with a #5, since that's a pleasing number for a list of things. I considered something about golf rules and the smallest portfolio wins but I opted to go with 4 rather than add something I recognized as tripe. A short time later, I'm watching The Daily Show and Jon Stewart uses the exact same schikt about golf rules. So, I've either come a long way and I'm ready to write for basic cable or Jon Stewart has started allowing interns to write his gags.

Economic policy option B

1. Wall Street is, by nature, greedy.
2. Employ regulation to create a healthy pursuit of greed.
3. Enjoy steady, slow, sustainable growth.
4. Nouveau greedy-types graduate with MBAs only to discover they can't afford $1000 Kobe hamburgers, super cars, or islands.
5. A few of the nouveau greedy find creative ways to circumvent regulation. They become very rich and then end up in jail.
6. Others, having seen what the nouveau greedy had been able to buy, find their own greed reawakened.
7. They elect politician who will bring back economic policy option A.

Economic policy option A

1. Regulation is bad.
2. Deregulate everything.
3. Proudly puff out chest and begin campaign for second term.
4. In an environment without limitations, risky and/or stupid behavior ensues.
5. Economic catastrophe rocks globe.
6. Decry corruption that led to catastrophe, present reform through regulation.
7. Wait until news cycle shifts e.g. hurricane, missing white child, someone says "happy holidays" etc.
8. Go to #1 and repeat.

6 political terms that might sound dirty if said in other contexts.

1. privatize

2. caucus

3. soft money/hard money

4. beltway

5. gerrymandering

6. polling

6 memorable components of "Trouble in Paradise."

1.  Venetian garbage man

2.  Dunking donuts on the sly

3.  Purses (you know what they stand for, right?)

4.  Tonsils

5.  Passage of time.

6.  Phooey

5 canned meats

1.  tuna

2.  Underwood's Deviled Ham

3.  Spam

4.  Vienna Weiners

5.  sardines

4 indications that Saturday Night Live's writer's room is filled with a million monkeys sitting at a million typewriters.

1.  Funny paper's Cathy.  Would this have been funny 20 years ago when people actually read comic strips?

2.  Ugly twins.  I'm willing to laugh at ugly children but they have to do something funny. 

3.  Sassy waiter.   Did they actually make a reference to a 12 year old movie no one remembers and then explain the joke by acknowledging that it was an old reference?

4.  Swimming coach.  Look, he dances funny.  That's rich.

4 beings with two faces

1.  Janus

2.  Jekyll and Hyde

3.  Harvey Dent

4. Lately, John McCain

5 things you can do to insure that others think you're stupid.

1.  Write a letter-to-the-editor.

2.  Wear a bluetooth headset.

3.  Believe anything said by anyone asking for your vote.

4.  Tattoo and/or pierce parts you can't hide under your clothes.

5.  Open your mouth (applies to 90% of mouth-opening activities.)

5 things you can do to make others think you're smart.

1.  Remain quiet and nod a lot.

2.  Read a book while you walk.

3.  Pretend to like jazz.

4.  Make sure others know you use a Mac (I'm typing this on my Macbook.)

5.  Put initials after your name.

4 types of vinegar I have in my cupboard

1. black vinegar (from the Asian food store)
2. rice wine vinegar
3. balsamic vinegar (2 types)
4. red wine vinegar

5 word pairs that use the same letters

1. meat team
2. listen silent
3. live evil
4. anger range
5. pale plea

10 dudes with girl names

1.  Evelyn Waugh

2.  Connie Mack

3.  Marion Morrison

4.  Leslie Howard

5.  Dana Carvey

6.  Jean Hersholt

7.  Rosey Grier

8.  Sandy Koufax

9.  Val Kilmer

10.  Pearl Zane Gray

10 airplane crashes that claimed famous lives

1.  Will Rogers - Alaska, 1935

2.  Carol Lombard - Nevada, 1942

3.  Glenn Miller - English Channel, 1944

4.  Ritchie Valens, The Big Bopper, Buddy Holly - Iowa, 1959

5.  Otis Redding - Wisconsin, 1967

6.  Yuri Gagarin - near Moscow, 1968

7.  Roberto Clemente - Puerto Rico, 1972

8.  Ronnie Van Sandt - Mississippi, 1977

9.  Ricky Nelson - Texas, 1985

10.  Payne Stewart - South Dakota, 1999

BONUS TRAGEDY: KENNEDYs

Joe Jr, explosion over English Channel, 1944

Kathleen, France, 1948

Ted, 1964, survived

John Jr and wife, near Martha's Vineyard, 1999

7 sorts of kings

1.  Kong

2.  Crimson

3.  Solomon

4.  sized Snickers

5.  cobra

6.  crab

7.  Arthur flour

10 totally boss pairings

1.  Proctor and Gamble

2. Mork and Mindy

3.  Pork and beans

4.  Gin and tonic

5.  Lennon and McCartney

6.  Bogey and Bacall

7.  Tom and Jerry

8.  Nick and Nora

9.   Scylla and Charybdis

10.  Andy and Mary

5 ways that I'm like Sarah Palin.

1.  I'm good at my job.

2.  I'm well liked my nearly all of my constituents.

3.  I do my best to be innovative and work every day of the week if that's what it takes.

4.  I chose my work for the privilege of serving others.

5.  I'm not qualified to be vice-president.

8 commedia del'arte characters

1. Harliquin

2.  the doctor

3.  the captain

4.  Columbine

5.  Pedrolino

6.  Scaramouch

7.  Pulcinella

8.  Tartaglia

25 names to be topped by Hussein or Sidney

1.  Walker

2.  Jefferson

3.  Herbert Walker

4.  Wilson

5.   Earl

6.  Rudolph

7.  Milhous

8.  Baines

9.  Fitzgerald

10.  David

11.  S

12.  Delano

13. Clark

14.  Calvin

15.  Gamaliel

16.  Woodward

17.  Howard

18.  Grover 

19.  Alan

20.  Abram

21.  Birchard

22.  Simpson

23.  Knox

24.  Henry

25.  Quincy