4 things you probably shouldn't do if your goal is to relax.

1.  Drink too many caiphrinas

2.  Eat two plates of beans and rice - not good for sleeping through the night.

3.  Sit outside all day when an air-conditioned couch is available.

4.  Forward-somersaults off a spring board.

7 reasons that I think I'm a liberal

1.  I like to sprinkle stem cells on my corn flakes.

2.  I work at a university - the last bastion of socialism.

3.  I actually think that global warming exists.

4.  Rush Limgaugh really is a big fat idiot.   (A very smart idiot but an idiot all the same.)

5.  I have to admit that George Clooney is kind of hunky.

6.  I enjoy a little arugula from time to time.

7.  I'm happy to pay taxes so that someone less fortunate than me can go to the doctor.

10 things that passed through my mind upon hearing that Sarah Palin is McCain's VP pick.

1.  He's 72 years old.

2.  He's had multiple cancer scares.

3.  He has never been clear about his plans - is he expecting to serve one term or does he think he'll survive until he's 80?

4.  It seems to be a reasonable possibility that, if elected, he could die in office.

5.  So, a vote for John McCain is a vote of confidence that his VP could serve the office as well.

6.  He picks Sarah Palin.

7.  She seems to be an up-and-coming star, but still a little green.

8.  Picking her seems to be a gambit to overcome what seems to be a sure loss in November.

9.  So John McCain's pick is focused on him winning rather than providing an adequate successor in the unfortunate, but possible, event that he doesn't survive his term.

10.  John McCain cares more for his ambition than what is best for America.

6 reasons I think I'm a conservative.

1.  If I were knocked up, I wouldn't get an abortion.

2.  I think James Carville is some sort of alien monkey life-form sent down to weaken us for some future invasion.

3.  Sometimes Matlock comes on TV and I find myself watching it.

4.  I'm unable to enjoy Christmas without constant, reaffirming "Merry Christmas"s from every person I see.

5.  I prefer Omega Man to I Am Legend.

6.  Can't say Barack Obama without following it that Xena ayayayayaya scream.

4 lunch boxes I remember using.

1.  Dome-top Disney school bus

2.  Square Adam-12 

3.  Dome-top US Post Office

4.  Pincocchio

6 totally excellent TV sidekicks

1. Gilligan
2. Potsie
3. Barney Ruble
4. Barney Fife
5. Ed McMahon
6. Tatoo (de plane, de plane)

5 plots you must include in a book of fables.

1.  The creation of the world

2.  Tricking the devil

3.  Kissing a frog

4.  Three wishes

5.  Step-sisters or step mothers.

3 not so neat things about attending the Obama/Biden rally.

1.  Took 24 hours to rehydrate after surviving heat for too many hours.

2.  Can't wash the smell of the old sweaty lady who seemed to think I existed for her to lean her sweaty old weight on.

3.  Face is crispy-fried.

3 neat things about attending Obama/Biden rally.

1.  Got to be a part of a national media event.

2. Had a chance to see someone who may become President.

3.  Souvenirs:  an Obama Biden placcard from their first official apearance and a groovy campaign pin with Obama dressed as Superman.

5 signs that you've had too much coffee

1. Combining long streams of words into a single mush-mouthed grunt.
2. Brain moves mouth down a dead-end road
3. Can't remember the most simple words.
4. Lots of finger snapping
5. Easily distracted and, in mid-distraction, distracted by yet another thing.

5 places you can expect to find Aces

1.  poker

2.  tennis

3.  volleyball

4.  dog-fighter airplane

5.  KISS concerts

6 major pieces of art I've seen

1.  Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel

2.  The David

3.  Michelangelo's slaves

4.  Rape of Sabine

5.  Monet's Haystacks

6.  Van Gogh's Irises

5 Olympic events for which I might still qualify

1.  10 meter air pistol - bb guns are fun

2.  sailing - that involves sitting, right?

3.  archery - didn't Gena Davis almost make the team?

4.  curling - an event in which athletes could be drunk

5.  4 man bobsled - sittin' and slidin'

5 lazy-thinking go-to's if you can't come up with a list idea.

1.  things about cats

2.  food related stuff

3.  drinking

4.  whatever's on TV at that moment

5.  things I did when I was a kid

5 from the never-ending list of great cakes

1.  Angel food - good for the blood chemistry

2.  Wedding cake - tastes great with beer

3.  Birthday cake - the one thing to do when you're invited to someone's child's party

4.  Cake (the band) - what Cole Porter might sound like if he were into alt-rock

5.  Urinal cake - imagine what public restrooms would smell like without the fresh aroma of cake

An evening at the State Fair in list form.

1. Drink an Amstel Light
2. Eat pork curry with yogurt salad
3. Listen to Jamaican band
4. Consider a Red Stripe but drink a Fosters (poor decision)
5. Consider what to eat next
6. Eat a bowl of candied plantains and a few bites of wife's pasticcio (wowsa good)
7. Roam around fair grounds
8. Share 22 bag of mini donuts
9. Watch kids at the Wax Hands tent - cool.
10. Talk wife into overpriced Monkey Nut (12 bucks for some juice in a carved coconut)
11. Return to listen to Jamaican band
12. Follow through on that Red Stripe idea.

6 hot GarageBand tracks I'm laying down for my first techno album

1.  Bluetooth Headset

2. Macrobiotic Funk

3.  Bannacheckin'

4.  OrganicCrystalYogaVegan

5.  Rockin' Mustapha

6.  Maximum Cowbell

5 reasons why I can't keep writing Olympic themed lists.

1.  There's more than a week to go before the end.

2.  Shines a bright light on the fact that the athletes are exhibiting physical perfection while I'm lying on the couch blogging.

3.  What are there, like 50o swimming events.  How can I write about swimming every night?

4. NBC's commentators are so negative, it's hard to get excited about the athletes inadequacies.  (I wouldn't realize how much the athlete's suck if they didn't tell me.)

5.  Without Jim McKay, I'm just not in the mood.

If my life were the Olympics, 5 of my gold medal events.

1. Too much coffee-drinking
2. Under breath cursing
3. Endurance television watching
4. Stress eating
5. List writing

In honor of Michael Phelps, my 4 strongest swimming strokes.

1.  The Spastic Crab

2.  The Wiggle Kick

3.  The Short-of-Breath Stroke

4.  The Wild Windmill

In honor of the Olympics, 5 things I like to order at Panda Express and 5 physical activities I do to work off the calories

1. Beijing Beef and push-ups
2. Kung Pao chicken and long walks
3. Chow Mein and leg lunges
4. Mandarin Chicken and jack-knifes
5. Orange Chicken and taking the stair rather than the elevator

Having seen an unlikely Joan Jett/Huey Lewis concert, 5 ACT test answers based upon them if they were something else other than musicians.

1. (Ice cream) Joan Jett is to black cherry as Huey Lewis is to a big bowl of vanilla which, when you take a bite, you learn has no sugar or vanilla - just frozen milk.
2. (Television channels) Joan Jett is to MTV in its first year (when it was cool) as Huey Lewis is to the TV Guide channel - good stuff but who really cares.
3. (Cars) Joan Jett is to a TVR Sagaris (stripped-down, fast, sexy, and dangerous) as Huey Lewis is to a Volvo S80 (a darn nice car and most would be happy to drive.)
4. (Pants) Joan Jett is to (what else) skin tight black patent leather with lace-up front as Huey Lewis is to dungarees with a crease ironed down the front.
5. (Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) Joan Jett is to a future inductee as Huey Lewis is to can get a $7 discount on a two-day pass once he turns 65.

4 bacon recipes that sound pretty good.

1. Cinnamon Rum Ice Cream with Candied Bacon chips
2. Bacon Burger (not a burger with bacon but a burger made out of bacon
3. Chocolate Chip Cookies with Bacon and Maple Glaze
4. Chicken Fried Bacon with Country Gravy

7 mind-blowing moments from the Olympic opening ceremony

1. Fireworks footsteps leading across the city.
2. Giant LED scroll.
3. Dancing sumi painters
4. 2008 drummers
5. Synchronized printing tiles
6. Globe rising from floor with dozens of people walking on all longitudes.
7. Lighting the torch.

Guest List: Seven Famous Godzilla Enemies

1. Mothra
2. King Ghidora
3. Megalon
4. Smog Monster
5. Mechagodzilla
6. King Kong
7. US Millitary

5 likely reasons for the day that I finally snap and end up in jail

1. Needless stoplights.
2. Crazy pet adoption ladies who lurk outside the hardware store on weekends trying to get you to take in a stray. (Do I need a weirdo suggesting that I lack the capcity to love because, despite having three pets, I could do more?)
3. People with loud mufflers. I can forgive a poor person with a rusted-out muffler but how can you passively accept morons who purposefully adapt their exhaust system to make a lot of noise? Do they call these loudlers rather than mufflers?
4. People who, when I’m at the mall, veer aimlessly into my personal space. Maybe it’s my fault that I have to drastically contort my body to avoid bumping into them? Maybe I’m invisible and they just don’t realize I’m there?
5. Lazy people who take the paycheck but who do nothing. I’m all for lounging, chilling, relaxing, etc. but that’s only after and if you’ve served your purpose in the world.

5 things I probably shouldn’t but will eat at the State Fair.

1. Corn dog with mustard and ketchup
2. Cotton Candy
3. Curry (from the ethnic area) with a cold import beer
4. Something off the beaten path like alligator or ranch-favored crickets
5. Emma’s sweet roll

5 reasons why I don’t need a cat on me.

1. I broke my sternum years ago and they always seem to put their full weight on it.
2. I am male and have squishy parts down there and they always seem to put their full weight on them.
3. Can cats sleep on your lap without mindlessly clawing holes in your flesh?
4. I either end up with two cats sleeping on me or two cats fighting over who will be the one cat sleeping on me.
5. Somehow, a butthole ends up in my face.

5 things that didn’t exist when I was a kid.

1. Chibbatta bread
2. Dyslexia
3. Velcro
4. Video games (although I did have a Pong console with wood grain accents.
5. Hip hop

5 things my dog must be rolling in to come in stinking like he does

1. Decomposing yak
2. A puddle of curdled milk
3. A pile of Anne Rice novels
4. Wino vomit
5. fish scales and foot sweat

5 things I haven’t done on my summer break

1. didn’t swim
2. didn’t go on vacation
3. severe lack of sno-cones
4. haven’t screamed on a roller coaster
5. have heard, but not seen fireworks