Things I saw too many of this Halloween

1. Cute little girls dressed as princesses at my front door when I hadn't bought any candy.
2. Average looking women trying too hard.
3. Men in panties, garters, and stockings - I'm not judging but it was cold.

10 things you should not be giving trick-or-treaters this Halloween.

1. Necco Wafers
2. Malt liquor
3. Zero candy bars - what's with that white, waxy mocklate?
4. Black licorice and/or black jelly beans
5. Halloween themed Peeps
6. Swedish Fish - gummy and tasteless all in one fish-shaped package
7. Sour candy. Are today's kids stupid? Candy is sweet, not sour.
8. Smith Brother's Cough Drops
9. Potato Salad - you really need to keep that stuff refrigerated or it'll go bad on you.
10. Individually wrapped dried plums. (They're prunes no matter how you market them.)

5 reasons that My Daily List hasn't been daily for a few days.

1. I ate a 5 pound bag of sugar and I've been in a coma.
2. I've been inconsolable since Louie Vito got kicked off Dancing With Stars. He should have gotten bonus points for having died in 1892. Wait, he's a snowboarder? I thought he was a 19th century French clothing designer.
3. I was walking a picket line until I spoke to my Bloggers Local 120 union steward and discovered that I don't belong to a union and that my union steward is really just a guy who walks his dog down my street every morning.
4. Middle managers have to deal with the idiots below them, the idiots above them, and the idiots standing next to them.
5. This woman keeps staring at me.


























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10 bird songs

1. Blackbird
2. Keep Your Eye On The Sparrow (Theme from Baretta)
3. When Doves Cry
4. Fly Like An Eagle
5. Rockin' Robin
6. Dixie Chicken
7. Blue Jay Way
8. Canary in a Coalmine
9. Disco Duck
10. Skyline Pigeon

5 cream-filled donuts to avoid.

1. Creamed corn
2. Creamed herring
3. Brylcreme
4. Disreali Gears, Wheels of Fire, Goodbye and other Cream albums
5. CREEM Magazine - it's been out of print for 20 years so those issues are getting ripe.

5 signs that it's fall

1. Carmel apples
2. Hay bales
3. Yellow and red leaves
4. Bonfires
5. Douchebags shopping for Captain Condom Halloween costumes

5 reasons I don't love puppies

1. You can't get through a single play in touch football without them whining. And yelping.
2. They do pretty well if you if fluff their fur by running them through a dryer cycle but they are hand-wash only.
3. You can't eat just one.
4. By the time you clean the mirror and sink, you have to grab another one to scrub the toilet.
5.















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5 reasons I love puppies

1. They float most of the time.
2. If dropped they tend to bounce - less so if thrown.
3. Pelts are perfectly sized for a single glove - so don't forget to buy a pair of them.
4. It's impossible to tie their tales together but they generally come from the pet store with a leash which makes the job a whole lot easier.
5. Unlike old dogs, which require a long, moist cooking method, they can be grilled.

5 signs that you may have Narcissistic tendencies

1. You sign your name with your full name, initials, and nickname in quotes.
2. You mark weight fluctuations in tenths of a pound (which may require holding one's breath.)
3. When, in the passage of casual social interaction, you are introduced to a woman, you respond, "whoa, hey, I'm married."
4. You delivered prepared speeches and deliver them in situations during which normal people would have a conversation.
5. You troll others personal blogs looking for posts that might be about you so that you can quietly feed your persecution complex.

The 10 traits of my dream secretary.

1. The ability to perform simple tasks without detailed instructions or heavy reliance upon the autonomic nerve system.
2. The ability to whine quietly WHILE doing work.
3. The ability to remember how to do something within the first 5 attempts at doing it.
4. The ability to forego a public annoucement of the need to pee.
5. The abilty to realize that on the ship of industry, your job is to row, not to steer or to complain about the steering or to say how you would steer or to discuss steering in any capacity.
6. The ability to allow simple things to be simple without needlessly complicating them.
7. The ability to realize that filing a union complaint will not make you everyone else's boss.
8. The ability to understand that the office temp is not your secretary - secretaries don't have secretaries.
9. The ability to do anything that doesn't involve blaming or creating the future opportunity to blame someone else.
10. The ability not to bad mouth everyone you've ever met including children and family members - we realize that we're part of everyone too.

Based solely upon anti-Nazi propaganda movies of the early 1940s, 5 positive traits of the Gestapo.

1. They really were attractive and physically fit.
2. Their clothes were always freshly pressed and they accessorized well.
3. Their devotion to military bands is refreshing.
4. They could really rock a monocle.
5. They were confident public speakers.

A complete list of Beatles "love" songs

1. Words of Love

2. And I Love Her

3. Can't Buy Me Love

4. You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

5. It's Only Love

6. All You Need Is Love

7. Love Me Do

8. She Loves You

9. PS I Love You

10. Love You To

11. All My Loving

5 key components to wedding receptions.

1. Cake
2. Free alcohol
3. Chicken Dances
4. Sir Mix-a-lot
5. People you've never met

5 insecurities Madison Avenue would prey upon if they were marketing dog products directly to dogs and not their owners.

1. Crusty paw pads
2. Stagnant dog food breath
3. Carpet incontinence
4. Graying facial fur
5. Impacted anal glands

5 things you shouldn't pick-up off the floor to eat without very close inspection

1. Morsels of chocolate

2. Grains of rice

3. Tic Tacs

4. Milk duds

5. Fun-sized Baby Ruth bars

Pairings that should be discouraged

1. Peanut butter and jellyfish
2. Jon and Kate
3. Ballerinas and banditos
4. Habenero chilies and bath water
5. Incompetent fools and pay checks
6. Diets and scales
7. Incompetent fools and oxygen
8. Brett Ratner and movie tickets
9. Pancakes washed down with a tall glass of ice-cold orange juice
10. Glenn Beck and pay checks (oh wait, I did that on already, how about Glenn Beck and rationale discourse.)

5 things they should add to the office supply catalog

1. Cast iron frying pans
2. Baseball bats
3. Giant boulders hanging from fraying ropes
4. Anvil
5. Straight jacket emitting bazookas

10 reasons that Chicago State University is great.

1. Campus roofs do not leak for the most part.
2. Tuesdays are sloppy joe day in campus food service.
3. Student life hires a comic hypnotist at least once a year.
4. Floors nicely swept, overall.
5. Each student gets an email address, just for enrolling.
6. Students get a couple weeks off every December.
7. It is the primary Midwestern supporter of the green cougar industry.
8. Easily accessible by public transportation.
9. Buildings are mostly warm on cold Chicago days.
10. Serves a predominantly poor population which might not otherwise be served.

5 great bloggers

Hey, look, I won something. Frank at I Probably Don't Like You just happened to be looking at blogs that compared Fred Astaire to Kanye West and this blog was deemed the best in that business. I am both remarkably deserving of this honor and humble in my acceptance but now I must spread the love. It seems like everyone at Humor Bloggers dot com has already won the award which only make sense. Nearly all of those people are knowledgeable of subject/verb agreement and many of them are writing the finest poop humor you'll find anywhere on the web. So, given their acknowledged success, I am going to single out interesting bloggers who are good friends of My Daily List.

1. From the great state of Minnesota, we have Michael River's Blog

2. From the Motor City, Big Mark and Star Like Grains of Sand in My Pocket

3. Another Minnesotan, Jeff and The View From My Cloud

4. From the great socialist state of Massachusetts (I think), Melody Singer

5. From Cape Town, Scott formerly Husband's Anonymous now Squid Squirts

Congratulations to these five whose blogs are actually interesting and not a bunch of soulless lists. Now you five must also pass along the love. Here are the details:

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

What other Illinois state universities think of Chicago State University

1. Smells like old milk
2. Has the endowment of a toddlers ballet school.
3. Committed to educating tomorrow's Chicago Transit Authority employees.
4. If you can make it there you can make it . . . oh wait, that's New York State University.
5. Chicago State - where you have less chance of graduating than you have of correctly answering the quesion, "how many fingers am I holding up." (Just in case your CSU student, you have a 16.6% chance of answering the question right while CSU graduates 16.2% of their students.)

7 reasons that Fred Astaire is cooler than Kanye West.

1. Fred Astaire was able to express dejection, love, passion, playfulness and dozens of other emotions with his singing and dancing. Kanye West is able to express unwarranted arrogance.
2. Fred Astaire's wardrobe expressed sophistication. Kanye West's wardrobe expresses douche.
3. Fred Astaire sang into a microphone. Kanye West sings into a computer with an auto-tuner.
4. Everything Fred Astaire did seemed effortless. Everything Kanye West does is forced.
5. Fred Astaire worked tirelessly and then let his dancing do the talking. Kanye West dropped out of one of the worst state universities in Illinois and never seems to shut up about his incredible intellect.
6. US Presidents tended to like Fred Astaire. US Presidents tend to think Kanye West is a jackass.
7. Fred Astaire's moldering corpse has more class and Kanye West and his entire posse.

Adjectives from work

1. lazy
2. shortsighted
3. apathetic
4. opportunistic
5. stupid
6. slothful
7. dormant
8. spiteful
9. worthless
10. chiseling

To-Do List

1. Rewrite Bible to remove liberal bias
2. Look into Jon Goslin's $200,000 withdrawal to fund his extravagant bachelor's pad in Trump Tower.
3. Find out where Khloe Kardashian is registered so that I can properly participate in her beautiful marriage to that basketball player she met.
4. Wait patiently for the chance to vote out that Carter kid. He can't dance and he's snooty.
5. Complain

5 reasons to hole-up at Gander Mountain in the event of a zombie invasion.

1. Guns and ammo, baby.
2. Not only are there boatloads of bows and arrow, certified instructors are on staff to train you.
3. Copious amounts of freeze-dried foods and jerky-based meat products
4. Camouflage and fox urine make you practically invisible to the zombie hoards when you feel the need to venture out.
5. Great buys on Wrangler jeans - Wrangler. There's a bit of the west in all of us.

10 ways to make faculty happy.

1. Map their daily paths and provide free food every 20 yards.
2. Thank them vociferiously for every bit of wisdom they pass along to you - "oh my, I could never had unlocked this door unless you were there to give me a 20 minute lecture of the process."
3. Institute "Bring Your Pillow To Work Day"
4. Make every day "Bring Your Pillow To Work Day"
5. Perfect a worried expression so that you can use it whenever they tell you how challenging it is to work 20 hours a week.
6. Find ways to pay them more and to promote them without any expectations.
7. Pat them on the head when they call a meeting to discuss the new cut and paste PC technology they've just discovered.
8. Create more week-long breaks.
9. Hire a dozen staff members to help them through their day-to-day duties, like brushing their hair, empty their bladders, and finding free food.
10. Provide them a bag of bread crumbs so that they might find their way from one place to another.

15 narrative Beatles songs with the lead character's name in the title.

1. Julia
2. The Continuing Story of Bungalow BIll
3. Rocky Racoon
4. Sexy Sadie
5. Lady Madonna
6. Hey Jude
7. Martha My Dear
8. Anna (Go To Him)
9. Eleanor Rigby
10. Doctor Robert
11. Michelle
12. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
13. Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
14. Being For the Benefit of Mr. Kite
15. Lovely Rita

Marie Claire listed the reasons men give for dumping women, but they missted these.

1. You got fat.
2. My World of Warcraft team deserves my full attention.
3. Remember that time you bent down and accidentally farted . . .
4. Sundays are not for antiquing
5. You need a check up from the neck up
6. Have you seen yourself in really bright light?
7. I was fine with fat but it's gotten out of hand and I can't date a woman unless I can carry her out of a burning building. It's a safety issue.
8. You've got the olds.
9. But I was drunk.
10. I was prepared for the fact that you'd end up looking like your mom but you're starting to look like your dad.

6 reasons that Rio beat out Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympics

1. Women in Rio have big round ba-dun-ka-dunk bottoms. Women in Chicago have big lumpy big-dump-a-truck bottoms.
2. The signature drink of Rio is the caipirinha. The signature drink of Chicago is gravy.
3. Chicago women get Brazilian waxes before they go to the beach. Rio women think they're stupid.
4. Rio is a cool song by Duran Duran. Chicago isn't
5. Jesus in Rio is 130 feet tall. Oprah in Chicago is 5 foot 6 1/2 inches.
6. Brazil's president is known as Lulu. The US president is known as the guy who insinuated himself into the non-political IOC selection process and move Chicago from a sure thing selection to a big waste of a lot of people's time.

Sure fire ways to tell the difference between a hobo and a hippie

1. Hobos travel from town to town in search of easy marks while hippies travel from town to town in search of Widespread Panic concerts.
2. Hobos save cigarette butts in an old styrofoam cup for later use while hippies save roaches in an old 35mm film canister for later use.
3. Hobos call bath day a "boil up" while hippies call bath day "applying for a job at the frame store."
4. Hippies can take an old tin and turn it into a bong while hobos can take an old tin can and turn it into a stew.
5. Hobos sleep in other people's barns while hippies sleep on other people's couches.