The wisdom of Rick Springfield

1. I'm so scared and isolated in a modern world. We all need a human touch.
2. Don't talk to strangers, baby don't you talk.
3. Bop 'til you drop. Don't stop 'til you get what you want.
4. Well all you want is a whole lot of money, all the rest is just jivin' honey.
5. Were we too busy checking out the left hand that we didn't see the right.

5 ways that douchebags can show their indiviuality

1. Bud Light Classic - all the taste of Budweiser once you've added water.
2. Bud Light Lime - the perfect choice for alcoholics with scurvy
3. Bud Light with Clamato - only available in large cans so that they'll last the entire walk home from the liquor store.
4. Bud Light Golden Wheat - for those who feel regular wheat is just not good enough for their beer.
5. Bud Light Ice - higher alcohol content puts you on ice quicker

Advice to hippies

1. Take a few moments away from protesting globalization to take a bath.
2. Dancing is the rhythmic or artistic interpretation of music, not that thing you do at Dave Matthews concerts.
3. In your living will, you should explain all of your tattoos so that your grandchildren will know what unimportant things you committed your mind to in your younger days.
4. Rastafari is an Afrocentric religious movement which rejects Western culture and not a cracker, hemp-based lifestyle that encourages one to stop washing or combing their hair.
5. Dogs do not like to wear neckerchiefs and to go to music festivals. The same is true of parrots and iguanas.

Foods named after people

1. Pizza Margherita
2. Peach Melba
3. Cesar Salad
4. Nachos
5. German Chocolate Cake
6. Bananas Foster
7. Cherry Garcia
8. Cobb Salad
9. Carpaccio
10. Oysters Rockefeller

6 good-looking hoods from the Mother Road Festival

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Answers from the tenth round of trivia night

1. Fiona Apple/The Beatles - Across the Universe
2. Garth Brooks/KISS - Hard Luck Woman
3. Ray LaMontagne/Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
4. Aimee Mann/Coldplay - The Scientist
5. R.E.M./C.C.R. - Have You Ever Seen The Rain
6. Lily Allen/E.L.O. - Mr Blue Sky
7. Sugarland/Beyonce - Irreplaceable
8. Tori Amos/Elton John - Tiny Dancer
9. The White Stripe/Dolly Parton - Jolene
10. Will Farrell/Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

8 potential 2026 yearbook pictures for my nephew

Thanks to some sophisticated physio-anthropological software on my iPhone, I am able to peek 17 years into the future to see what my nephew will look like based solely on a photo from his Christening day. Here are the option depending upon this life-choices:









































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5 balloons that suck

1. Angioplasty balloon
2. Balloon payments
3. Pokemon balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving parade
4. A water balloon filled with pee
5. The new Jay Leno show (that one's really going over like a lead balloon.)

5 totally fascinating things that happened on Facebook today.

1. Bob reached the next level in Mafia Wars.
2. Phyllis scored Super Glue on the What Inanimate Object Are You quiz.
3. Joannie is totally wrecked in an imaginary drinking game.
4. Sally collected 20 iheart graphics.
5. Harvey took the Which Classic Hollywood Starlet Are You - he's a Marilyn Monroe.

Advice to America's youth from Walter Breuning, the world's oldest man, on his 113th birthday.

1. zzzzzzzzzz *snort* zzzzzzzzzzzzz
2. Shut up ya little monsters
3. What we need is a good war . . .
4. What? Who's Burt Day? Are you Burt Day?
5. When I was a boy, only sailors and whores got tattooed.
6. You remind me of a young Ruby Keeler.
7. Pull up your pants.
8. If I weren't a world record holder, I'd put you over my knee.
9. I don't care what Eisenhower thinks, 50 is way too many states.
10. Did I pee?

5 key elements of Julie Roberts appeal.

1. Her chicklet teeth.
2. Her dead soulless eyes.
3. Her Heath-Ledger-Joker mouth.
4. Her wooden acting style.
5. The fact that she rarely makes movies anymore.

Movies from the 1980s that I probably never need to see again.

1. Breakfast Club
2. Any Police Academy movie
3. 48 Hours
4. Any Nightmare on Elm Street movie
5. Cocktail (ok, I've never actually watched but still . . .)
6. Goonies (sorry those who saw it as kids and love it, it's a bad movie)
7. Break dancing movies
8. Mask (although thanks for helping me learn the meaning of penultimate - it really helped on the ACT.)
9. Princess Bride (I'm only listing this to get the ladies riled up.)
10. Scarface (it's not as good as you think.)

Mostly forgotten 80's movies that might be worth another look.

1. Quest for Fire
2. My Beautiful Laundrette
3. The Boy Who Could Fly
4. Angel Heart
5. Brazil
6. Dangerous Liaisons
7. Dreamscape
8. The Last Starfighter
9. The Man With Two Brain (okay, I've seen this one more than any other movie)
10. My Bodyguard
11. Paperhouse
12. Valley Girl
13. Smooth Talk

Types of dog vomit you might step in while walking barefoot through my house

1. Unchewed treats
2. Mostly water, partly phlegm
3. Things and that shouldn't have been eaten covered in slime.
4. Dinner (Looks just like what you put in the bowl except warmer and wetter. Generally considered edible.)
5. Re-vomit (The effect of eating vomit #4 too quickly.)

Pile on Kanye!!

1. Most people got to ignore the fact that Leno's back but he had to attend a taping.
2. His untreated diseased of the central nervous system caused him to involuntarily run onstage at the Video Music Awards.
3. Obama correctly assessed him to be a jackass.
4. Comedy Central replayed the fishsticks episode of South Park
5. The hair cut seems like good idea but now it's taking forever to grow in.

10 facts about Leonard Rhomberg who is celebrating his 50th anniversary at McDonald's he started working at when he was 18.

1. He never played the "I quit" card so he never got that Saturday night off and missed every wedding he was ever invited to attend.
2. Has been told, "What? Are you an idiot?"40,000 times.
3. Required to clean vomit out of Playland's ballpit 2000 times.
4. Did not wash hands after using the bathroom 8000 times.
5. Has spit on hundreds of thousands of hamburgers.
6. Has earned more nickel per hour raises than any other American
7. Always like "You Deserve A Break Today" but just doesn't get "I'm Lovin' It." Shouldn't they be trying to attract those who aren't loving it?
8. He assumes that brown polyester is "in".
9. Helped Bush carry Missouri in 2000 and 2004 because he voted for Mayor McCheese.
10. Suggested the "meat bones" in the McRib but did not receive a sizable bonus when he shouted out "that's what she said" at a management retreat.

10 reasons why I should be famous.

1. I need a good reason to claim that I'm exhausted.
2. I forget what I look like so it would be convenient to be on magazine covers.
3. The world would be a better place with my clothing line and personal fragrance collection.
4. There's a gap in the fame matrix now that no one really cares about Wilmer Valderrama.
5. I have more free time since I don't have eight kids so I could do more famous things on a daily basis.
6. I need people to give me lots of money for agreeing to be drunk in their bar.
7. I don't drive particularly fast so I wouldn't be a public danger when the paparazzi chased me.
8. Once I was famous, I'd end up being friends with everyone else who is famous and I could finally give Whitney Houston a piece of my mind.
9. I think collecting babies from other countries sounds interesting.
10 Without fame, I don't really exist.

The backbones of the salad bowl.

1. Rocket
2. Endive
3. Iceberg
4. Romaine
5. Bibb
6. Watercress
7. Radicchio
8. Spinach
9. Mesclun
10. Arugula

The Tea-Baggers are back! Ok, you can stop paying taxes as long as you agree to the following concessions.

1. You are no longer allowed to use streets or highways.

2. You are now officially responsible for educating your children rather than just telling everyone else what should be taught in public schools.

3. You must buy large hoses to put out your house if it catches fire.

4. If you end up in jail, you must pay room and board.

5. You are no longer allowed to vote in every election.

6. You know those community college - your tuition is 10x as high.

7. You must pay for 100% of your business costs - no more subsidies, incentive, or loopholes.

8. Military protection will require either a subscription or fee per use.

9. You may only access health care if 100% of all associated research was funded by private industry.

10. Senators and Congressional Representatives now cost twice as much - former Reps. like Dick Armey will remain cheap as chips.

5 Powell/Pressburger movies you should watch so you can sound more interesting to your highbrow friends.

1. The Life and Times of Colonel Blimp
2. The Red Shoes
3. The 49th Parallel
4. I Know Where I'm Going
5. Black Narcissus - easily the best horny nun in the Himalayas movie ever made.

Anagrams for "Glenn Beck is a moron."

Greenback Inn Looms
Semblance Goon Rink
Embracing Kens Loon
A Noblemen Corks Gin
Blacken Omens Groin
A Broken Con Mingles
Beacon Longer Minks
A Cob Kneeling Morns
Backing Lemon Snore
A Globe Corn Kinsmen
A Benign Clerk Moons
Backlog Nine Sermon
A Broken Minces Long
Bacon Leering Monks
A Comb Kennel Signor
A Bronc Legmen Oinks

5 mostly true facts about Glenn Beck.

1. He is pursuing a stand-up comedy career.
2. He cuts his own hair while looking at his image reflected in the knob on the cabinet in which he keeps his cereal.
3. His first job at Fox was Tucker Carlson's fluffer.
4. He also cries when he gets stopped for a speeding ticket, during tax audits, when advertisers abandon his show - pretty much whenever he thinks squirting a few will help.
5. He doesn't necessarily believe what he says. He just imagines what you need to hear to add credence to your craziest beliefs because it makes him a LOT of money.

8 indications that I'm getting old

1. Youngsters annoy me.
2. Today's music is just noise
3. I like those pants with the invisible elastic - sansabelt
4. MLC Cafeteria is my new favorite restaurant (if you don't live near one, MLC is like a rave but with old people and at 4:30 in the afternoon rather than 4:30 in the morning.)
5. I think I have lumbago.
6. My bathroom drawer if filled with antacids, baby aspirin, sensitive toothpaste, and statin drugs.
7. The music I listened to in high school is considered retro.
8. I'm getting hard of hearing due to the tufts of hair in my ears.

5 reasons I'm rewatching LOST from the beginning.

1. I still have no idea what the monster is.
2. 10 episodes the main characters caged in a zoo must mean something.
3. Nikki and Paulo must have done something before they died.
4. I keep playing those number in the lottery and I haven't won so there must be a trick I haven't noticed.
5. To get lost in Sawyer blue eyes before the final season. (The first time through, I got stuck in a dimple and didn't make it to the eyes.)

You know you're a commie if . . .

1.  You went to a school that taught Liberal Arts.

2.  You think Giterdone is the title of a self-help movement.

3.  You've donated money to your local PBS station.

4.  You have a pre-existing condition.

5.  Your stomach resides somewhere beneath your pants and/or shirt.

6.  You think the North won.

7.  You type your lists on a Mac

8.  You don't use the word "ve-hick-al" but if you did, your vehicle would get more than 18 MPG.

9.  You turn to sad movies rather than Glenn Beck whenever you need a really good cry.

10. A God-fearing, gun-toting, hasn't-the-light-of-day-for-years-'cause-Fox-News-is-on-24-hours-a-day, America-loving person tells you that you're a commie.  (They know that the Communist Party quietly took over the US through our schools since LBJ was in office and they are the only people who can actually see Commies so you have to believe them when the tell you that you are one.)

Why I turned off The Spirit after 15 minutes

1.  It was poorly written

2.  It was poorly directed

3.  It was poorly acted

4.  It bore no resemblance to its source material

5.  Allowing Samuel L. Jackson and Eve Mendes to appear in the same movie is like allowing a goat to fly a plane.  

The September banned list - please update your systems accordingly.

1. Divas
2. Madonnas (living)
3. Hasselhoffs
4. Hurricanes
5. Overly produced reality shows (you may edit but don't arrange reality for them)
6. Cell phone holsters
7. Mojitos
8. Rachael Ray baby talk words
9. Rachael Ray
10. Vampires on television and in movies

10 things I'd want from Windows 7, if I were going to buy it

1. It should turn on and be ready to use within 5 minutes
2. It should allow me to do what I'd like to do within asking me if I really want to do it.
3. It should easily allow me to reformat my hard-drive and reinstall it once my system is corrupted. Because my system will become corrupted.
4. It should come with a detailed, simple-to-use control panel that allows me to turn off all the junk I don't want to use and which is slowing my system to a crawl.
5. It should allow me to choose an Internet-Only mode which commits 100% of my system resources to this relatively simple task.
6. It should do 20 things well rather than 1000 things poorly.
7. It should protect me from viruses through smart design rather than by preventing me from doing the work I need to get done.
8. It should realize that I'm just some guy writing a blog and not some multi-national corporation with a million employees and 2 million computers and peripherals.
9. It should recognize the millions of times that a program stops responding and figure out why.
10. It should never enter my mind. Tools are for use, not analysis.

Judging criteria for Miss Cougar America

15% - creative spackling
15% - aura of desperate sluttiness
15% - fashion statement employing Hello Kitty wear and tiny backpacks
15% - commitment to tanning bed (spray tan allowed but includes a deduction)
15% - hormonal facial hair grooming
15% - boob job
15% - willingness to stand on a stage in front of a bunch of horny men at an age when you should have a greater sense pride and self-worth.