A 5-day week-end by the numbers.

1.  1 night with too many margaritas - yes, it was enough delicious margaritas that I have no choice but to declare too many.

2.  4 days with pie.

3.  2 Thanksgiving dinners

4.  2 days in which working from home was a primary activity.

5.  3 bad night's sleep

5 signs you need to find a new place for trivia night.

1.  Lack of beer and/or an inadequate plan to provide beer.

2.  Moderator is a jerk.

3.  They plan a music category without ever having testing the sound.

4.  A heavy reliance on multiple choice.  (If you're writing a trivia question and realize that the only way to guide your audience to the answer is with multiple choice options, abandon ship.  You don't have a trivia question, you have a random fact that no one cares about.)

5.  The writer has an almanac and isn't afraid to use it - one tediously boring question after another.

5 types of psuedo-hoboes

1.  Bedouin = sand hobo

2.  Transient = hobo who pays daily rent

3.  Hippie/Dead Head = Patchouli-scented hobo

4.  Professor = hobo with a 403b account

5.  Gypsy = Eastern European hobo

Thankful list

1.  Mrs MyDailyList without whom all of my lists would enumerate why I'm so sad and lonely.

2.  That my parents raised me with the proper mix of fear and shame and food.

3.  Work that is focused on looking out for other's best interest rather than simply looking for ways to separate them from their money.

4.  That no one is shooting at me or likely to be shooting at me (and I'm kind of a jerk so that lack of violence shows just how peaceful my personal world is - I'm just asking for it sometimes.)

10 last lines from great movies of the 1970s

1. I was cured all right.

2. But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man that suddenly got everything he wanted. What happened? He live happily ever after.

3. Don Corleone

4. Sex and death. Two things that come once in lifetime. But at least after death, you're not nauseous.

5. I used to hate the water. I can't imagine why.

6. Just wait 'til next year.

7. This was the story of Howard Beale, the first known instance of man who was killed because he had lousy ratings.

8. The horror. The horror.

9. Life is a state of mind.

10. Bonjour papa.

10 perfectly good things (often found in short supply) of which you can never have enough.

1. friends and family (awwwwwhhh)

2. IQ points

3. toys

4.  hair follicles

5.  dollars left over after paying the bills

6.  vacation days

7.  polite drivers

8.  beers in the fridge (not that you need to drink a lot but they always seem to be gone when you want one.)

9.  brain cells (at least the useful ones.)

10.  shopping days until Christmas

10 perfectly good things of which you can have too many.

1. Dogs (dedicated to Marty)

2. Jobs

3. Expectations

4. Spouses

5. Houses (dedicated to John McCain)

6. Doctor appointments

7. Cooks in the kitchen

8. Italians (Sunday dinners can be difficult)

9. Elvis's

10. Clowns (a word for which a plural form should never have been allowed.)

After a pathetically obvious product placement for Nextel in "24: Redemption" 5 equally awkward ideas for the next season

1. Zip-loc Bags "New human-head size. Loosens the tightest lips."
2. Neosporin "Heals third-degree burns inflicted by the brother of a tribal warlord with a red-hot machete."
3. Chicago Cutlery "When you run out of bullets, there's always Chicago Cutlery."
4. Jack Daniels Whiskey "Nothing takes the edge off a bullet wound like a shot of Jack"
5. Red Bull "It keeps you awake like there's no tomorrow."

8 ways to keep your feet warm this winter

1.  slippers

2.  wingtips

3.  loafers

4.  moccasins

5.  sneakers

6.  jackboots

7.  mukluks

8.  Birkenstocks

10 curses you can use in mixed company

1.  Nertz!

2.  Judas Priest!

3.  Sugar!

4.  Fiddle sticks!

5.  Cheese and crackers!

6.  Heavens to Murgatroyd!

7.  Jeez Louise!

8.  Horse feathers!

9.  D'oh!

10.  Cheney in a hammock!

10 last lines from great movies of the 1960s

1.  Did you hear what I said Miss Kubliek, I absolutely adore you.  Shut up and deal.

2.  I'm not even going to swat that fly.  I hope they're watching, they'll see.  They'll see and they'll know and they'll say, why she wouldn't even harm a fly.

3.  Your going to live a long life, in a cage.  That's where you belong and that's where you're going and this time for life.  Bang you head against the wall.  Count the days, the months, the hours until the day you rot.

4.  Nothing's too good for the man who shot Liberty Valence.

5.  Mein Fuehrer, I can walk.

6.  Do you know what you are?  You're all stinking sons of . . . 

7.  I've got a flat tire and I ain't got no spare.

8.  Well, Tillie, when the hell are we going to get some dinner.

9.  You finally did it!  You maniacs! You blew it up! Goddam you!  Goddam you all to hell!

10.  Good.  For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble.

9 things that cost more than one share of General Motors stock.

1.  any hamburger at Hardees

2.  a gallon of diesel

3.  64 box of Crayola crayons with built-in sharpener

4.  the toll on the New York Thruway from exit 24 Albany to exit 31 Utica

5.  12 ounce can of Classic Spam (or Turkey Spam, Lower Sodium Spam, Spam Lite, or Hickory Smoke Flavored Spam.)

6.  a ticket to the 7 pm showing of Porky's, March 19, 1982

7.  three 10-15 count jumbo shrimp

8.  Starbucks tall Carmel Macchiato - tall means small

9.  one pound of rubber bands

10 ways to keep your head warm this winter.

1.  bowler

2.  beanie

3.  porkpie

4.  fedora

5.  cap

6.  fez

7.  stetson

8.  panama

9.  newsboy

10.  beret

He may be man's best friend but there's still 7 things that bug me about my dog.

1.  He's always licking me.

2.  He wakes up every day at 6:30 am, even on week-ends.

3.  The smell of rotten sewage pours out of his mouth.

4.  He pees on everything.

5.  He won't let us dress him in funny hats.

6.  He sleeps in the bed and barks in his sleep.

7.  He's required 3 after-hours emergency vet visits

6 great features from Mad Magazine

1.  The fold-in back inside cover.

2.  The Lighter Side Of . . . 

3.  Spy Vs. Spy

4.  Mad's Maddest Artist, Don Martin

5.  Sergio Aragones margin art

6.  Movie and TV parodies

6 oils I have sitting around the house.

1.  Motor oil

2.  Safflower oil

3.  Mineral oil

4.  Olive oil

5.  Avocado oil

6.  Baby oil

OH MY GOD! MORE BEARS!

1.  Paddington

2.  Gentle Ben

3.  Bad Idea Bears (go see Avenue Q)

4.  The Icee Bear

5.  Bobo, Mr. Burns only friend

6. Fozzy Bear

7.  Snuggles

8.  Those awkward butt-wiping bears from the Charmin commercials

9.  The Berenstain Bears

10.  Fuzzy Wuzzy (if memory serves, he wuz a bear)

10 last lines from great movies of the 1950s

1.  You know what they say. 'My son's my son 'til he gets him a wife, but my daughter's my daughter all of her life.'  All of our life

2.  Well thank you, Harvey.  I prefer you too.

3.  There's nothing else.  Just us, and the cameras, and those wonderful people in the dark.  All right, Mr. DeMille.  I'm ready for my close up.

4.  Hey Stella!  Hey Stella!

5. Every one of you, listening to my voice, tell the world.  Tell this to everybody wherever they are.  Watch the skies, everywhere, keep looking.  Keep watching the skies.

6.  Robert E. Lee Prewit.  Isn't that a silly old name?

7.  Remember honey, on our wedding day it's okay to say yes.

8.  Shane.  Shane! Come back Shane!

9.  Hello everybody.  This is Mrs. Norman Maine.

10.  Go.  Proclaim liberty throughout all lands and to all of the inhabitants thereof.

BEARS!

1.  Smokey Bear

2.  Yogi and Boo Boo

3.  Sugar Bear (Super Sugar Crisp)

4.  Teddy Ruxpin

5.  Ditka

6.  Care Bears

7.  Gummi Bears

8.  Baloo (Look for the bear necessities . . . )

9. Winnie the Pooh

10.  State o' Maine (read a book if you've never heard of the bear named State o' Maine.)

A moment of silence for the now extinct Bear Stearns

10 musical acts on every entomologist's iPod.

1.  The Beatles

2.  The Crickets

3.  Iron Butterfly

4.  The Yellowjackets

5.  The Scorpions

6.  Papa Roach

7.  Alien Ant Farm

8.  W.A.S.P.

9.  Adam Ant

10.  Bingo, Bango, Bongo, and Irving:  The Mosquitos from Gilligan's Island (AKA The Wellingtons.)  The same episode featured the girls singing as The Honey Bees.

5 Iron Chefs (more fun to say than to spell.)

1  Chen Kenichi

2. Hiroyuki Sakai

3. Masohiko Kobe

4.  Rokusaburo Michibi

5.  Masaharu Morimoto

6 annoying phrases with an assist from Amanda

1.  No ifs, ands, or buts

2.  Hate with a passion

3.  On so many levels

4.  Try and be funny (or any other verb.)  Do you mean "try to be funny" or "tried and was funny?"  If you succeeded in being funny, then the trying part is irrelevent.

5.  So on and so forth.

6.  You rock.  (If you mean "thank you" say "thank you."  "You rock" just sounds like old-people pseudo-slang, fo-shizzle.)

5 don'ts of having a cold.

1.  Don't feel like sitting up

2.  Don't feel like being awake

3.  Don't feel like drinking beer

4.  Don't feel like leaving house (or bed)

5.  Don't feel like making lists

5 good things about the hobo life.

1.  All of your clothes double as pajamas

2.  Beans are a good source of iron.

3.  Life is one big road trip.

4.  No chance of moss gathering.

5.  Monocles are ironic rather than pretentious.

10 last lines from great movies of the 1940s

1.  Throw that junk.

2.  The stuff that dreams are made of.

3.  There's a lot to be said for making people laugh. Did you know that's all some people have?  It isn't much but it's better than nothing in this cockeyed caravan.

4. Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

5.  Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon.  We have the stars.

6.  The Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming . . .

7.  Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings and angels gets his wings.  That's right.  Attaboy Clarence.

8.  Alex, will you come in please.  I wish to talk to you.

9.  Made it, Ma!  Top of the world (kaboom)  He finally made it to the top of the world and it blew up right in his face.

10.  There you are Norton.  The people.  Try and lick that.

Now that he's allowed back in public, 5 things on President Bush's to-do list.

1.  The White House lawn is badly in need of tending.

2. Not too late for some trick or treating - he loves those little Snickers bars.

3.  Presidential peanut butter supply ran dry after the VP debate and crackers with butter and peanuts just isn't working.

4. If he has to hear one more time about her days as a school librarian, he's going to scream.  He just needs a little me-time.

5.  Rove says Zack and Miri Make a Porno is HIL-arious.

10 things I would have voted against had they been on the ballot.

1.  Low-rise blue jeans (Proposition Muffin Top)

2.  That bloated feeling

3.  Cat hair - it belongs on a cat but it seems to be everywhere else.

4.  Teachers who refer to the children they teach a "my babies."

5.  Madonna - can't sing, too old to be a provocateur 

6.  Comcast Cable

7.  Morning Crews, Zoo Crews, The Morning Disaster, etc and every other morning radio blather.

8.  Morons who park at the front door of the grocery store when an open parking space is only 20 feet away.

9.  Florida

10. Gum Snapping

10 good-byes after a long political season

1.  electoral maps

2.  robocalls

3.  stump speeches

4.  people named Tucker

5.  real America/fake America

6.  yard signs

7.  "The View" somehow wandering into my life even though I'm at work when it airs

8.  anything related to Alaska with the exception of "The Deadliest Catch" which is really cool.

9.  everyone named Joe - you hear that Joe Cocker!!

10.  anxiety

3 responses to I gave to the focus group I used to test my new blog banner.

1.  I can't help it if my blog so darn cool that it takes planetary-league imagery to convey its coolness.

2.  What?  This is just something I whipped up.  No biggie.

3.  Does this blog banner make my butt look big?

5 questions from the trivia night that we totally won even though there were 32 other tables and we drank, like, 45 beers.

1.  How many murders where in the1978 movie Halloween?

2.  What was the first Saturday morning cartoon to include a regular black cast member?

3.  Which company makes Lemonheads?

4.  What country did William of Orange rule?

5.  What was Winston Churchill's favorite drink?