1. Spittoons
2. Door stops. (This will require them to develop a higher-level skill set.)
3. Boiler fuel for low-income housing. (Glenn Beck could heat a Chicago tenement for the entire month of February.)
4. Toilet paper
5. Footballs. (Whenever someone did something stupid, my grandmother would suggest that they should use their heads for something besides a football. Lots of footballs on cable news.)
6. Soylent Green, although that stuff's made from humans so maybe not.
7. Boxes of rocks
8. Douche nozzles
9. Garbage cans
10. Sorry, I tried to come up with 10 but these jerks don't really have any productive use.
August 20, 2009
August 19, 2009
Other people who we might stash away in Gitmo.
1. Vegans
2. People who use the word "bling"
3. Everyone appearing on a reality show broadcast on E!, TLC, or Bravo including any Real Housewife or people with too many children.
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Lazy PhDs
6. Anyone who tells it like it is - it's never quite how they tell it.
7. Women who drive black SUVs
8. Cable news people. (I know I say this all the time but the world would be immediately improved if we drowned them all like an unwanted litter of kittens.)
9. Tweens (They might be productive citizens if we separated them from society now.)
10. Me. (This is easier than putting the rest of you morons there.)
2. People who use the word "bling"
3. Everyone appearing on a reality show broadcast on E!, TLC, or Bravo including any Real Housewife or people with too many children.
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Lazy PhDs
6. Anyone who tells it like it is - it's never quite how they tell it.
7. Women who drive black SUVs
8. Cable news people. (I know I say this all the time but the world would be immediately improved if we drowned them all like an unwanted litter of kittens.)
9. Tweens (They might be productive citizens if we separated them from society now.)
10. Me. (This is easier than putting the rest of you morons there.)
August 18, 2009
10 indications that My Daily List has jumped the shark
1. There's only so many things you can say about hobos, junk food, old movies, and Sarah Palin.
2. Other bloggers show the common decency to quit blogging after a month or so.
3. The first 500 lists were a desperate cry for attention. The second 500 are proving to be just desperate.
4. No longer able to get a surge of readers by writing a list about nerds. (The Boy Who Cried Nerd)
5. Lists now take either 8 hours to write or 5 minutes to slop together.
6. Other list blogs have sold out so listing has lost it's indie edge.
7. Vast readership has abandoned the blog in favor of more entertaining and productive endeavors like picking scabs, sitting at the mall staring at teenage girls, and reforming healthcare.
8. Most of my readers are moms and that is sooo not cool.
2. Other bloggers show the common decency to quit blogging after a month or so.
3. The first 500 lists were a desperate cry for attention. The second 500 are proving to be just desperate.
4. No longer able to get a surge of readers by writing a list about nerds. (The Boy Who Cried Nerd)
5. Lists now take either 8 hours to write or 5 minutes to slop together.
6. Other list blogs have sold out so listing has lost it's indie edge.
7. Vast readership has abandoned the blog in favor of more entertaining and productive endeavors like picking scabs, sitting at the mall staring at teenage girls, and reforming healthcare.
8. Most of my readers are moms and that is sooo not cool.
9. This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is my brain on lists.
10. Most lists now written by Cousin Oliver.
August 17, 2009
Top ten leading ladies of the past decade
Jeve wondered who today's Top Ten might be so here's my shot:
1. Sandra Bullock (ok)
2. Meryl Streep (ok)
3. Renee Zellweger (Spongebob Scrunchface)
4. Angelina Jolie (meh)
5. Jessica Alba (she would be great in those Old Navy mannequin commercials)
6. Jennifer Aniston (I think she makes movies in between topless magazine covers and articles about how much she misses Brad.)
7. Keira Knightly (she does not have an eating disorder)
8. Cameron Diaz (she's her own biggest fan)
9. Scarlett Johansson (she's got some big talents)
10. Dakota Fanning (more talented than almost all of these ladies)
1. Sandra Bullock (ok)
2. Meryl Streep (ok)
3. Renee Zellweger (Spongebob Scrunchface)
4. Angelina Jolie (meh)
5. Jessica Alba (she would be great in those Old Navy mannequin commercials)
6. Jennifer Aniston (I think she makes movies in between topless magazine covers and articles about how much she misses Brad.)
7. Keira Knightly (she does not have an eating disorder)
8. Cameron Diaz (she's her own biggest fan)
9. Scarlett Johansson (she's got some big talents)
10. Dakota Fanning (more talented than almost all of these ladies)
August 16, 2009
In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading ladies of the Depression era.
1. Barbara Stanwyck
2. Kay Francis
3. Jean Arthur
4. Irene Dunne
5. Myrna Loy
6. Bette Davis
7. Carole Lombard
8. Kathryn Hepburn
9. Jean Harlow
10. Ginger Rogers
2. Kay Francis
3. Jean Arthur
4. Irene Dunne
5. Myrna Loy
6. Bette Davis
7. Carole Lombard
8. Kathryn Hepburn
9. Jean Harlow
10. Ginger Rogers
August 15, 2009
In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading men of the Depression era.
1. Cary Grant
2. Spencer Tracy
3. James Cagney
4. Clark Gable
5. William Powell
6. Robert Montgomery
7. Gary Cooper
8. Paul Muni
9. Charles Laughton
10. Fredric March
2. Spencer Tracy
3. James Cagney
4. Clark Gable
5. William Powell
6. Robert Montgomery
7. Gary Cooper
8. Paul Muni
9. Charles Laughton
10. Fredric March
August 14, 2009
5 things comic nerds have been up to since Comic Con
1. Just coming up for air after weeks of reading back issues.
2. Tirelessly logging their displeasure with the GI Joe movie on website throughout the Internet.
3. Getting a head start on next year's costume so that they can live down this year's male camel toe fiasco.
4. Waiting for that cosplay girl to call - hopefully she didn't lose your number.
5. Slowly returning to a post-con, real-world life devoid of cleavage and filled with disappointment.
2. Tirelessly logging their displeasure with the GI Joe movie on website throughout the Internet.
3. Getting a head start on next year's costume so that they can live down this year's male camel toe fiasco.
4. Waiting for that cosplay girl to call - hopefully she didn't lose your number.
5. Slowly returning to a post-con, real-world life devoid of cleavage and filled with disappointment.
August 13, 2009
What you need to do to dismantle MY America.
1. Close all of the sno-cones stands.
2. Ban iPhone games.
3. Pay attention to morons who repeat what they've been told.
4. Add fruit flavors to beer.
5. Repeat what you've been told.
6. Make it illegal to lie on the couch.
7. That thing you heard . . . repeat it.
8. Tell me that I can't strut.
9. What you hear on TV or the radio. It's true. Repeat it as if it's fact.
10 Allow morons, who accept everything they've been told as fact without investing any effort to educate themselves or to pursue any critical review of those "facts", to control our public discourse.
2. Ban iPhone games.
3. Pay attention to morons who repeat what they've been told.
4. Add fruit flavors to beer.
5. Repeat what you've been told.
6. Make it illegal to lie on the couch.
7. That thing you heard . . . repeat it.
8. Tell me that I can't strut.
9. What you hear on TV or the radio. It's true. Repeat it as if it's fact.
10 Allow morons, who accept everything they've been told as fact without investing any effort to educate themselves or to pursue any critical review of those "facts", to control our public discourse.
August 12, 2009
what I did with all my free time today
1. Took a brisk walk to the end of my desk and back
2. Hurried
3. Exhaled
4. Worried about the dismantling of my America
5. Stupid list
2. Hurried
3. Exhaled
4. Worried about the dismantling of my America
5. Stupid list
August 10, 2009
What Rep. Redstate actually has on his Day Planner
8:00 - 900 - Wake up!!! I don't care which whore you woke up next to, get to the office.
9:00 - 9:45 - Score some coke.
9:45 - 10:00 - Ask staffers what you should think. Check out the new pages. Schwing.
10:00 - 12:00 - morning sesssion, it's gonna be a long night, catch some ZZZZs
12:00 - 1:00 - Quickie
1:00 - 3:00 - Afternoon session - try that Twitter thing
3:00 - 4:00 - Tell the pages you're doing job interviews (don't tell them what kind of job you want)
4:00 - 5:00 - Get talking points from Party - suggest "Obama's Death Committee"
5:00 - 6:00 - Pick up penicillin, salve
6:00 - 10:00 - Pharm. lobbyist. Do exactly as they tell you but get the money first.
10:00 - 10:15 - Call you know who. Make sure no one has found that hooker's body.
10:15 - 10:30 - Make a call - get rid of you know who.
9:00 - 9:45 - Score some coke.
9:45 - 10:00 - Ask staffers what you should think. Check out the new pages. Schwing.
10:00 - 12:00 - morning sesssion, it's gonna be a long night, catch some ZZZZs
12:00 - 1:00 - Quickie
1:00 - 3:00 - Afternoon session - try that Twitter thing
3:00 - 4:00 - Tell the pages you're doing job interviews (don't tell them what kind of job you want)
4:00 - 5:00 - Get talking points from Party - suggest "Obama's Death Committee"
5:00 - 6:00 - Pick up penicillin, salve
6:00 - 10:00 - Pharm. lobbyist. Do exactly as they tell you but get the money first.
10:00 - 10:15 - Call you know who. Make sure no one has found that hooker's body.
10:15 - 10:30 - Make a call - get rid of you know who.
What Rep. Redstate would like you to think is his Day Planner has in store for him.
8:00 - 9:00 - Prayer breakfast
9:00 - 9:45 - Read all of the bills currently under discussion - take your time and read slowly and carefully.
9:45 - 10:00 - Quietly reflect upon the sanctity of marriage
10:00 - 12:00 - Morning session
12:00 - 1:00 - Listen to Rush, eat sandwich
1:00 - 300 - Afternoon session
3:00 - 4:00 - shoot and field-dress moose.
4:00 - 5:00 - pray, clean gun
5:00 - 6:00 - Dr's appointment (don't worry, it's free)
6:00 - 10:00 - Meet with pharm. reps about grassroots movement. Get $$$
10:00 - 10:15 - Pray, count $$$
10:15 - 10:30 - Call wife, pray as a couple, discussing shooting something.
9:00 - 9:45 - Read all of the bills currently under discussion - take your time and read slowly and carefully.
9:45 - 10:00 - Quietly reflect upon the sanctity of marriage
10:00 - 12:00 - Morning session
12:00 - 1:00 - Listen to Rush, eat sandwich
1:00 - 300 - Afternoon session
3:00 - 4:00 - shoot and field-dress moose.
4:00 - 5:00 - pray, clean gun
5:00 - 6:00 - Dr's appointment (don't worry, it's free)
6:00 - 10:00 - Meet with pharm. reps about grassroots movement. Get $$$
10:00 - 10:15 - Pray, count $$$
10:15 - 10:30 - Call wife, pray as a couple, discussing shooting something.
August 9, 2009
10 favorite iPhone games.
1. Fieldrunners
2. The Deep (pinball)
3. Squares
4. Flight Control
5. Peggle
6. Unblock Me
7. Nine Gaps
8. The Price Is Right
9. Moonlights
10. Movie Lights
(I should probably be doing something more productive)
2. The Deep (pinball)
3. Squares
4. Flight Control
5. Peggle
6. Unblock Me
7. Nine Gaps
8. The Price Is Right
9. Moonlights
10. Movie Lights
(I should probably be doing something more productive)
August 7, 2009
Did I mention I saw the world's scariest bug? Here are some other bugs.
This bad boy was an inch long1. Dune Buggy by The Presidents of the United States
2. Bugs Bunny
3. The Bugaloos - like H.R. Puffinstuff but with bugs
4. Marty Feldman - he was bug-eyed
5. Scrooge - bah, humbug!
UPDATE: It appears that this may be a velvet ant which is a wingless wasp often called a cow killer because their sting is so painful it is said to be enough to kill a cow.
August 6, 2009
A plan in development: How to deal with the national crisis that is E! televsion network.
1. Airlift Joel McHale and his fellow writers to a better basic cable network.
2. Poison the vats of spray-tan in the TMZ
3. Make the paparazzi an offer they can't refuse.
4. Sit down with the Kardashians and have a heart-to-heart talk in which they come to the realization that they are uninteresting and pudgy.
5. Have Obama make a national address in which he explains that the concept of celebrity news may exist but that "news" implies more than reading US Magazine on the air or telling us that some 14 year-old starlet thinks she'll be a good mom.
6. If Obama national address doesn't work, activate National Guard.
2. Poison the vats of spray-tan in the TMZ
3. Make the paparazzi an offer they can't refuse.
4. Sit down with the Kardashians and have a heart-to-heart talk in which they come to the realization that they are uninteresting and pudgy.
5. Have Obama make a national address in which he explains that the concept of celebrity news may exist but that "news" implies more than reading US Magazine on the air or telling us that some 14 year-old starlet thinks she'll be a good mom.
6. If Obama national address doesn't work, activate National Guard.
August 5, 2009
sugar is to sweet as Dead Head is to . . .
1. Entering third decade of living in parents' house.
2. Needs a bath, haircut, shave.
3. Isn't sure where they left their van.
4. Has desperately searched for meaning in other jam bands since 8/9/95.
5. Staring at what might be a fly on the ceiling . . .wait, no just a shadow. Still, that's a pretty cool shadow 'cause it looks just like a fly.
6. Making pancakes.
7. Thinking about going back to school (where sleeping late and accomplishing nothing is an acceptable lifestyle.)
8. Trying to get the band together tonight.
9. Sitting in a job interview explaining that dreads have antecedents in island culture and are not the result of not shampooing.
10. Truckin' (for what that's worth.)
2. Needs a bath, haircut, shave.
3. Isn't sure where they left their van.
4. Has desperately searched for meaning in other jam bands since 8/9/95.
5. Staring at what might be a fly on the ceiling . . .wait, no just a shadow. Still, that's a pretty cool shadow 'cause it looks just like a fly.
6. Making pancakes.
7. Thinking about going back to school (where sleeping late and accomplishing nothing is an acceptable lifestyle.)
8. Trying to get the band together tonight.
9. Sitting in a job interview explaining that dreads have antecedents in island culture and are not the result of not shampooing.
10. Truckin' (for what that's worth.)
August 4, 2009
My life (my life) would not suck (would not suck) without you.
1. Comcast Cable
2. Politicians
3. Richard Marx
4. Tie-dyed shirts
5. Unnecessarily fat people (chunky is fine, big-boned is fine, but stop at 14 trips to the buffet already, you can't even walk.)
6. "Experts"
7. Drama queens - men and women
8. Paula Abdul - oops, never mind
9. Anyone who waits until August and then think "hey, I oughts ta go back ta school."
10. Daily List
2. Politicians
3. Richard Marx
4. Tie-dyed shirts
5. Unnecessarily fat people (chunky is fine, big-boned is fine, but stop at 14 trips to the buffet already, you can't even walk.)
6. "Experts"
7. Drama queens - men and women
8. Paula Abdul - oops, never mind
9. Anyone who waits until August and then think "hey, I oughts ta go back ta school."
10. Daily List
August 3, 2009
Why yesterday's list didn't appear until today
1. Comcast employees occasionly mistake wires for black licorice.
2. Comcast Internet service is designed to work ONLY if you don't use it.
3. I keep forgetting that there are usage limitations: 50Kb per day.
4. Comcast policy (my true understanding): until you pay us to come out to investigate why our system isn't working, our opinion is that it's working just fine - if you weren't so stupid, you'd understand.
5. Oh yeah, I forgot, Comcast sucks.
(To be clear, I've not had a problem with any of the cable systems in my town until Comcast came in and, within moments, started sucking. As I've noted before, the first thing they did was to add a $10 modem rental fee to my bill. When I called to report that I owned my modem, they responded, "We don't know who does or doesn't own their modems so we charged everyone.)
2. Comcast Internet service is designed to work ONLY if you don't use it.
3. I keep forgetting that there are usage limitations: 50Kb per day.
4. Comcast policy (my true understanding): until you pay us to come out to investigate why our system isn't working, our opinion is that it's working just fine - if you weren't so stupid, you'd understand.
5. Oh yeah, I forgot, Comcast sucks.
(To be clear, I've not had a problem with any of the cable systems in my town until Comcast came in and, within moments, started sucking. As I've noted before, the first thing they did was to add a $10 modem rental fee to my bill. When I called to report that I owned my modem, they responded, "We don't know who does or doesn't own their modems so we charged everyone.)
August 2, 2009
Mydailylist's guide to understanding the symptoms of depression (and determining if you need a happy pill.)
1. Do you not want to get up in the morning to go to your soul-numbing job?
2. When meeting others, do you wish you could punch them in the face?
3. In the morning, do you have difficulty choosing between rum and corn flakes for breakfast?
4. Do you care/worry about Brangelina? Is it happy?
5. Do you deep-fry salads, Tubby?
6. Do you feel the constant pressure of writing lists?
7. Did you buy a dog so you'd have something to kick?
8. Did you get married so you'd have something to kick?
9. In recent weeks, did you feel you had no other option but to leave your position in Alaska state government?
10. When you saw the new Michael Phelps Subway commercial, did you argue to the point of tears that that song couldn't possibly be called Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.
2. When meeting others, do you wish you could punch them in the face?
3. In the morning, do you have difficulty choosing between rum and corn flakes for breakfast?
4. Do you care/worry about Brangelina? Is it happy?
5. Do you deep-fry salads, Tubby?
6. Do you feel the constant pressure of writing lists?
7. Did you buy a dog so you'd have something to kick?
8. Did you get married so you'd have something to kick?
9. In recent weeks, did you feel you had no other option but to leave your position in Alaska state government?
10. When you saw the new Michael Phelps Subway commercial, did you argue to the point of tears that that song couldn't possibly be called Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.
August 1, 2009
10 comic book movies I'd like to see (and might get to soon in some cases.)
1. Fables
2. Dr. Strange
3. Preacher
4. Kick Ass
5. Micronauts
6. Moon Shadow
7. American Flagg
8. She-Hulk (the clever series not that other junk)
9. Y: The Last Man
10. Archie Vs. The Punisher
July 31, 2009
Archetypes from your local semi-pro baseball team
1. The Unwashed
2. The Middle-Aged Floozy
3. The Drunks
4. The Formerly Popular in High School Now Bald Douche Guy
5. The Trampy Librarian
6. The Drunk-Driving Convicting BMX-Riding Guy With A Mullet
7. Super Fan
8. Seemingly Parentless Children
9. Braless (men and women)
10. Fat Guy's With World Series Rings
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