5 things I should do before the first day of winter.

1. Lose 15 pounds.
2. Write the children’s book I’m thinking about.
3. Pay off the credit card.
4. Regain ground in my retirement portfolio - stupid economy.
5. Finish the family cookbook I’m giving to siblings for Christmas.

5 thoughts thought during an evening without power.

1. Want beer, shouldn't open refrigerator. But want beer . . .
2. Those unattractive nightlights I've plugged in all over the place are actually necessary. (It's so dark, the dog can't walk up the stairs - can't see the stairs.)
3. Feel the need to roam around deserted shopping mall rather than sit in the dark.
4. Want to do push-ups but the Wii Fit won't turn on.
5. Magic wireless network refuses to beam life-sustainng Internet to this stupid laptop.

6 excellent ducks

1. Donald Duck (and associated duck relatives.)
2. Daffy Duck
3. Baby Huey
4. Yakky Doodle
5. Count Duckula (yeah, I was much too old to be watching Danger Mouse.)
6. Howard the Duck

5 excellent things about 3-day weekends.

1. You don't feel like your wasting your weekend if you spend most of day straightening up around the house.
2. An afternoon nap is an investment in long-term fun rather than a waste of time.
3. For a few moments, you forget you have a job.
4. You only tend to get a 3-day weekend when there's something fun going on.
5. 3 is 1 more than 2.

5 things from which our founding fathers should have declared independece.

1. email
2. cell phone/Blackberry
3. talk radio/cable news
4. unnecessary meetings
5. Lifetime Movie Network (isn't there a limit to how many beautiful women from once popular television programs can be sexually/emotionally/physically threatened by raffishly handsome men who played secondary characters in television cop shows.)

A 24-hour Fourth of July film festival.

1. John Adams (HBO miniseries) - 8 hr. 35 min.
2. Independence Day - 2 hr. 25 min.
3. 1776 - 2 hr. 21 min.
4. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - 2 hr. 10 min.
5. National Treasure - 2 hr. 11 min.
6. Johnny Tremain - 1 hr. 21. min.
7. Yankee Doodle Dandy - 1 hr. 25 min.
8. Saving Private Ryan - 2 hr. 50 min.
(Leaves 17 minutes for sparklers and apple pie.)

4 great old-school comic book artists

1. Gil Kane
2. Gene Colan
3. Will Eisner
4. Steve Ditko

It's an incomplete list.

5 things that children can learn about success from Rush Limbaugh's $400 million payday.

1. Do whatever you can to get one group of people to hate another group of people.
2. Convince families of four who make $30,000 a year that they're middle-class.
3. Discover what scares people and tell them that that scary thing is going to end the world as they know it.
4. Insist that everything is scary.
5. Condemn those who have drug problems but never forget that OxyContin takes the edge off of a really tough day. Not so tough days too.

5 flat things

1. Flounder
2. Pancakes
3. Old soda
4. A-cups
5. The Earth in some opinions.

I've been told that I've been insulting to A-cups. My response is that cups are merely an indicator of size and not beauty, function, or desirability. Stand proud A-cups.

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where to live

1. Showgirls who wash their cars a lot.
2. People who view mowing their neighbors' lawns as good exercise.
3. Employers who believe in naps, massage therapy, and allowing you to bring your dog to work.
4. Donut store locations.
5. People who own their own inflatable bouncy houses.
6. People who will let me borrow their trucks when I have something big to move. (Includes only those who have a valid reason to own a truck and excludes trucks with testicles.)
7. British people. (Can be extended to other nationalities as long as the people have cute accents and say colorful things like "gobsmacked," "Bob's your uncle," "knackered."
8. Old people - old enough to be great neighbors but young enough that I might decide to move away before they die.
9. Cartoonists. #3 from the previous list would exclude the drunk guy who does "Mallard Fillmore," although I'm not sure he's a cartoonist. More of an angry mope with a Kolinsky brush and a syndicator.
10. IQ scores.

10 US Census data points that should be collected so I know where NOT to live

1. People who own cars or motorcycles with exhaust systems designed to make noise rather than to muffle the sound of their obnoxious engines.
2. Trucks with testicles.
3. People who spend an inordinate amount of their time writing letters-to-editors, listening to talk radio, or watching cable news channels.
4. Hippies - although they should be categorized into fun hippies and obnoxious hippies. It's hard not to like a fun hippie.
5. People who go through life feeling that everyone they encounter is determine to assault, rape, car-jack, defame, or pillage them.
6. Muffin-tops.
7. Anyone over the age of 25 who first thinks, "getting a tattoo/face piercing will make me attractive/cool/edgy.
8. People who demand to know what Brittany/Ashton/Lindsey/Paris/Nicole/JoliePitt/anyone on The Hills have done in the past 24 hours.
9. Women who wear specially purchased "outfits" particularly those that involve denim or themed sweaters.
10. People who equate morality with their personal/political beliefs.

6 PBS shows I watched as a kid.

1. Seseme Street
2. Mr. Rogers
3. The Electric Company
4. Big Blue Marble
5. 3-2-1 Contact
6. The French Chef

9 great Buster Keaton silent movies

1. One Week
2. Cops
3. Our Hospitality
4. Sherlock Jr.
5. The Navigator
6. The General
7. College
8. Steamboat Bill Jr.
9. The Cameraman

10 great Charlie Chaplin silent movies

1. The Bank
2. The Floorwalker
3. The Rink
4. The Cure
5. The Immigrant
6. Shoulder Arms
7. The Circus
8. The Gold Rush
9. City Lights
10. Modern Times

7 differences between Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.

1. Chaplin was British, Keaton was American.
2. Chaplin trained in Beer Halls (talking wasn't allowed on stage so he studied pantomime), Keaton did an vaudeville act with his parents.
3. In their early days, Chaplin worked with Stan Laurel, Keaton worked with Fatty Arbuckle.
4. Chaplin wore a bowler hat, Keaton wore a pork pie hat.
5. Chaplin retained ownership of his films and was rich, Keaton sold his film rights early on and struggled with money.
6. Chaplin directed Keaton (in Limelight), Keaton never directed Chaplin.
7. Chaplin married 3 teenaged girls (16, 17, 18), Keaton married 3 adults.

4 differences between muffins and cupcakes.

1. Muffins are a quick bread which require minimal mixing once liquid is added to the flour and cupcakes are cake which require creaming butter and sugar.
2. Muffins are bad for you at breakfast time, cupcakes are bad for you at other times.
3. There is no cupcake man.
4. Woman not likely to be called "mufffin" by a construction worker.

10 reasons that people hate "the green movement."

1. Crude oil tastes like honey to them.
2. Reusable grocery totes are specifically mentioned in The Communist Manifesto.
3. Can't read in bed with anything less than a 1000w bulb in their lamps.
4. Conservation is a sign that you aren't affluent. (If you can't afford to drive an H2 to pick up a gallon of milk, don't judge me.)
5. It snowed last winter so there's no such thing as global warming.
6. Conservation is sciencey and sciencey things are an affront to Jesus.
7. Main-stream liberal media. (No real reason here, just citing MSLM allows any fool to believe whatever they wish regardless of fact and can be used as unassailable proof in any argument.)
8. It's just a fad and anyone buying into it is naive.
9. Have you seen the size of a soccer ball? How can you expect to transport a soccer ball AND an 8 year-old in anything smaller than an Escalade?
10. We need lower taxes and smaller government. (I'm not sure what these have to do with being green but those who hate conservation seem to talk about these ideas a lot.)

5 types of fairy tale villains.

1. Wicked witches
2. Bitter step-mothers
3. Carnivorous animals.
4. Landlords
5. Women of all sorts

4 things that can be added to a good cup of coffee, if you insist.

1. Rum
2. Milk and sugar
3. Hot cocoa
4. Cake donut (dunked of course.)

For goodness sake, stop killing good coffee with crappy flavors. If you don't like the taste of coffee, don't drink it.

Things you need to add to a good cup of coffee.

5 things that white, puffy clouds look like.

1. Bunny rabbits
2. Cotton candy
3. Smiling faces
4. The smoke from a horrible explosion
5. The fists of a vengeful god beating upon the Earth in retribution for our actions.

10 Top Ten Movies List Overlooked By AFI

1. Musicals
2. Adventures
3. Action
4. Horror/suspense
5. Comedies
6. Period Drama
7. Biography
8. Heist
9. Holiday
10. Guilty Pleasures

AFI's Ten Top Tens - Good Eleventh Movies

1. Animation - Kiki's Delivery Service (or South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut if it has to be a Hollywood movie.)
2. Fantasy - Sherlock Jr. (If you've never seen it, stop everything and watch it now. Go!)
3. Sci-Fi - Planet of the Apes
4. Sports - The Natural
5. Western - The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
6. Gangster - Angels With Dirty Faces (Yeah, it's got the Dead-End Kids, soon to be known as the Bowery Boys, but the last ten minutes are brilliant for two of the Irish Mafia - James Cagney and, in his greatest screen moment, Pat O'Brien.)
7. Mystery - The Thin Man (How can you list top ten mysteries with it?)
8. Romantic Comedy - The Apartment
9. Courtroom Drama - Fury
10. Epics - eh, who needs epics.

3 Food Network stars who ought to fade away.

1. Rachael Ray - of course you can cook pasta or make a sandwich in 30 minutes.
2. Sandra Lee - to make a cake, buy a cake mix and a can of frosting and serve enough vodka so that no one notices.
3. Paula Deen - hey y'all, I'm abnoxious and overly staged. Har har har har.

6 Food Networks stars whose food opinion I trust

1. Giada DeLaurentis
2. Bobby Flay
3. Jamie Oliver
4. Alton Brown
5. Emeril Lagasse
6. Mario Batali

3 reasons to keep your mouth shut tight.

1. Frog in my throat.
2. Cat got your tongue.
3. I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

4 magazines I read as a kid.

1. Highlights (hardcover editions)
2. Dynamite
3. Cracked
4. Mad

4 things Hulk says while making mashed potatoes.

1. Puny Banner, peel.
2. HULK IS STRONGEST ONE THERE IS! (while opening sour cream)
3. Don't make Hulk angry. You wouldn't like Hulk when angry. (said to a pot boiling over.)
4. HULK SMASH POTATOES!

5 sing-song words

1. dilly dally
2. heebie jeebie
3. hoighty toighty
4. hoi poloi
5. jeepers creepers

10 names for a deuce

1. dookie (doo doo, doodie, etc.)
2. poop (poo, poo poo, poopie, etc)
3. turd
4. steamer
5. man pie
6. brown bomber
7. BM
8. turtle head
9. baby skunk
10. stool

5 things that taste like chicken.

1. Alligator - but only fishy chickens
2. Frog's legs - but with a lot more vascular tissue
3. Turkey.
4. Rabbit - if chickens were tough and chewy
5. Crow - according to Michael Penn

6 reasons the dealer installed XM radio in my Prius seems to loose the signal.

1. Turning the car on.
2. Changing directions.
3. Stopping. Or going.
4. Driving on a sunny day.
5. Driving in the rain.
6. Singing along to a song - this seems to taunt the satellite causing it to turn it's back on you.

I finally discovered the actual reason I lose a signal. It works as long as I don't drive east. Finally convinced the dealer to mount the antenna on the roof and it works great now.

11 great Dorothy Fields lyrics

1. I Can't Give You Anything But Love
2. Big Spender
3. On The Sunny Side Of The Street
4. A Fine Romance
5. I Won't Dance
6. If My Friends Could See Me Now
7. Pick Yourself Up
8. I'm In The Mood For Love
9. Never Gonna Dance
10. On The Erie Canal
11. The Way You Look Tonight

5 reasons I go to work.

1. Like sleeping in a bed at night.
2. Not much good on TV.
3. Accustomed to eating.
4. Money for toys.
5. Someone has to change the world

6 acronyms - can you say what they stand for?

1. POTUS
2. SCUBA
3. FUBAR
4. IKEA
5. LASER
6. BASIC

5 characteristics of a greyhound.

1. Eyes are slightly beady, slighty buggy - beaduggy.
2. Head is small so that it can just contain a relatively tiny brain without it bouncing around in the skull.
3. Mouth tends to stretch into an anthropomophic smile.
4. Ears - useless except to indicated the point behind which one should scratch.
5. Long legs take up too much room on the bed.

5 reasons Hillary didn't endorse Barack on the night he secured the nomination.

1. She's leased headquarters in 50 states and has to do walk-throughs with 50 landlords so she doesn't lose her security deposit.
2. Bill is still determining who is or isn't a scumbag.
3. Terry McLauliffe still insisting that she could beat George Washington in a good old-fashioned 18th century brouhaha.
4. Those pints of Hagan-Daaz aren't going to eat themselves.
5. Discontinuing a campaign prevents her from begging for donations. (Go to hillaryclinton.com if you want to give her cash.)

7 things I'd eat if I didn't take cholestrol medication

1. Cheese, cheese, cheeeese
2. Dark Chocolate in many forms
3. Cream horns
4. Buttered toast with cinnamon sugar
5. Daily donuts
6. Fried whatever
7. Ice cream

Ministry of Nicknames Statistic: 5 most common denials of N-1350 Request to Self-Assign Nickname

1. Party Animal
2. Diva
3. Bikini Inspector
4. Miss Thang
5. Miscellaneous celebrity press creations - J-Lo, Li-Lo, P-Diddy, Wacko Jacko, Billy Bush, etc.

Ministry of Nicknames Statistic: 5 most common nicknames of those submitting an N-1221 Request to Change Assigned Nickname

1. The Rod
2. Twinkie
3. Stinky
4. The Little Mermaid
5. Dubya

Ministry of Nicknames Statistic: 5 most commonly assigned nicknames

1. Smitty
2. Jonesey
3. Buddy
4. Murph
5. Numbskull

5 reasons I won't be skipping work tomorrow to see Sex and the City.

1. Actresses are hard enough to look at on small television screen.
2. You wouldn't be able to see the screen for all of the big, gaudy hats.
3. Prefer my gratuitous nudity to involve women who are hot but not women who are having a hot flash.
4. I can't find a pair of mules in size 9 1/2 E.
5. Not female, not gay.

10 great pies

1. Apple
2. Cherry
3. Strawberry Rhubarb
4. Pecan
5. Lemon Meringue
6. Chess
7. Shepherds
8. Pumpkin
9. Chicken Pot
10. Boston Cream

100th Collector's Edition: A list of great lists.

1. The Ten Commandments
2. Schindler's List
3. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll.
4. David Lettermans Top Ten Lists
5. Franz Liszt
6. Fascinating Urinals
7. Earl Hickey's karma list
8. Kasey Kassem's America's Top 40 (yep, it only used to be a great list.)
9. George Carlin's words you can't say on televsion
10. My Daily List (of course.)

5 variety shows that I miss

1. Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts
2. Real People
3. That's Incredible
4. Battle of the Network Stars
5. The Carol Burnett Show

7 game shows I miss

1. Match Game (this could have been by itself on a one item list.)
2. Truth or Consequences
3. High Rollers
4. Tattle Tales
5. Joker's Wild
6. $25,ooo Pyramid
7. Don Adam's Screen Test

Prius Facts 2: The impact of trading-in a 2000 Galant after 2 months

1. I've driven 1012.3 miles more on the gas I've purchased.
2. I've avoided buying 59.5 gallons of gas.
3. I've saved appoximately $217.10.
4. I've not used 3.05 barrels of oil.
5. I've not put 1191 pounds of greenhouse gasses in the air.
6. Overall MPG since I bought the car - 44. (Best MPG on a single tank - 49.)

10 signs that you're a comic book dork.

1. You've lost your temper debating the pros and cons of various grades of bags and boards.
2. Most of your wardrobe consists of tee-shirts with your favorite character's image.
3. You use the phrase 'sequential story-telling'.
4. As you've grown older, you've abandoned long boxes for short boxes.
5. You've written a term paper about a graphic novel in a community college course.
6. You judge the quality of your action figures by their number of articulation points.
7. You've learned everything you know about databases by keeping a detailed inventory.
8. You met your girl-friend at a 'con.
9. You have a life-sized Spider-man costume tattoo. (If you're reading this Bob, hi, give me a call.)
10. You feel some resentment toward Stan Lee for the way he treated Jack Kirby.

4 things I can do once I click "Publish Post"

1. Floss and brush
2. Take an aspirin
3. Turn off my laptop
4. Get some sleep

10 cereals I ate as a kid

1. Apple Jacks
2. Fruity Pebbles
3. Coco Puffs
4. Frankenberry
5. Life
6. Freakies
7. Super Sugar Crisp
8. Kaboom
9. Quisp
10. Honeycomb's big. Big, big, big. It's not small. No. No. No.

7 Things You Don't Mind Shaking

1. Your groove thing
2. Your money maker
3. Santa's belly...like bowl full of jelly
4. An appletini...not stirred
5. My nervous dog
6. Maracas
7. The hand that gives you a giant novelty check for winning the lottery

5 gymnastic moves I've perfected.

1. Bending over backwards
2. Falling down drunk
3. Stumbling over my words
4. Rising to the occasion
5. Turning on a dime

10 favorite Guitar Hero III songs.

1. Barracuda
2. Cherub Rock
3. Miss Murder
4. My Name is Jonus
5. Story of My Life
6. When You Were Young
7. I'm in the Band
8. Mauvais Garcon
9. Radio Song
10. Through the Fire and Flames.

5 reasons this list is 30 minutes late.

1. Bandits stopped my train in the valley to steal the mining payroll.
2. Accidentally got Gizmo wet.
3. Temporarily forgot how to type.
4. The revolution does not coddle list-makers.
5. First cook-out of the year kept me out late.

3 targets upon which I can place blame.

1. The government.
2. The wife.
3. The dog (mostly when it comes to farts.)

5 ways to drive to work that don't involve gasolline.

1. Xebra Electric Sedan
2. The ZENN
3. Wrightspeed X1
4. The Air Car
5. GM Hy-Wire

5 things you do when you can't come up with a daily list idea.

1. Surf the Internet - not for ideas but to avoid the inevitable failure.
2. Look for junk food.
3. Consider whether toenails need clipping.
4. Does the dog need outside? I'd better let the dog outside. He looks like he wants out.
5. Write lame list, similar to this one.

4 things I'd accomplish in the first 100 days of my Presidency

1. Establish Ministry of Nicknames. There will be a nickname for everyone although not all will be unique. List of most popular nicknames will include Murgatroid (numbers 1 through 1,000,000.)
2. Make nice with Canada. I like their beer and they seem like good folks.
3. Take over Major League Baseball and reestablish it as a non-profit organization. (Come on, $8.50 for a beer. They're just asking to be taken over.)
4. Outlaw low-rise pants. (Do they look good on anyone?)

5 reasons I'm glad I don't have abs.

1. Having to do all of those sit ups.
2. All of the shaving and tanning.
3. No beer, no pasta?
4. Needing to find creative reasons to lift up my shirt all of the time.
5. Not enough mirrors in my house for the hours of admiring myself.

3 Match Game questions

1. Dumb Dora was so dumb, she poured Milk of Magnesia on her BLANK.
2. Nicky the nudist said, "It's so cold today my BLANK is frozen stiff.
3. The Jolly Green Giant stepped on a rake and got hit right in his BLANK.

5 things I believed when I was 8.

1. That Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball were the same person.
2. That cursing would send me straight to hell (and I couldn't say hell for fear of going there.)
3. That JC Penny was the coolest store and all of the best-dressed 3rd graders shopped there.
4. That the Earth's a big blue marble when you see it from up there.
5. That a sno-cone was the greatest treat in the world and a worthy celebration of a Little League win.

5 reasons why tonight's list is a guest list

1. Someone forgot to do a list
2. Somone had too many beers to get up and do a list now
3. Someone told me to come do the list for them
4. Someone clearly doesn't have their priorities straight
5. Someone is asleep now

5 things I might do with my $600 tax bribe.

1. Buy $600 of lottery tickets and quit job.
2. Invest in illicit drugs and forget job.
3. Pay illegal immigrant to show up to my job for me.
4. Buy a PS3 and all of the available games and hope that no one notices I'm not at work.
5. Through detailed and careful budgeting, stretch $600 so that it lasts a life time thereby proving job superfluous.

5 totally random musicals you should see.

1. Rent
2. Evita
3. West Side Story
4. Wicked
5. The Full Monty

4 things Hilary Clinton might say if her pander filter short circuited.

1. Everyone gets a kitten. Unless of course you don't like kittens. Then I'd say I don't really like kittens. Everyone gets a puppy. Unless you don't like puppies. Then you can have whatever you want. Just tell me what you need and I'll be that person.
2. I don't cast my lot with elite opinion. Just because physicists tell us that gravity exists it doesn't mean it does. You can't see it. You can't chase it with a shot of Royal Crown. My opponent thinks that gravity exists and that shows just how out of touch he is with the common man.
3. My perfect day is shooting some guns, chugging some beers, and spending some time at a nice respectable white church. Oh, and wearing a flag pin and bombing Iran.
4. The price of bread has skyrocketed. I propose Free Bread June. You can have all the white bread you want for free. My opponent eats foccacia or whatever it is that Muslims eat. He doesn't understand white bread. White. Did I say white?

6 things that come in tens

1. hot dogs
2. decacres in a hectare
3. Peeps (in chick form)
4. Commandments
5. Fingers in a handshake
6. David Letterman's daily lists.

6 things that come in nines

1. Baseball players
2. Innings played by baseball players
3. Planets (if you consider Pluto a planet.)
4. Cat lives
5. The savings in sitches brought about by one well-timed stitch.
6. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs.Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs.Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs.Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs. Beatle songs.

6 things that come in eights

1. Octopus legs
2. Stop sign sides
3. Days a week, according to Lennon and McCarty
4. Ears in a string quartet
5. Bits in a byte
6. Brady Bunches - sorry Alice, you're just hired help.

My parents' children's middle names.

1. Thomas
2. Thomas
3. Thomas
4. Thomas
5. Louise

5 sandwiches worth eatin' on.

1. Left-over Thanksgiving turkey, white bread, mayo, salt.
2. Grilled cheese.
3. Chicken salad with pecans and apples on wheat bread.
4. Cold, rare roast beef with horseradish
5. Pulled pork with cole slaw.

6 alcoholic drinks that should be avoided

1. MD 20/20 They don't call it mad dog for nothing.
2. Jack Daniels. Sure it's a quality product but it's for sipping not guzzling by the tumblerful.
3. Fruit flavored beers. No commentary required.
4. Peppermint schnapps. This hangover brought to you by Wrigley's gum.
5. Mojitos. Mmm. Mulch.
6. Frozen daiquiris or margaritas. If you want a sno-cone, order one.

6 alcoholic drinks worth trying (regularly)

1. Gin and tonic
2. Margarita on the rocks
3. Caipirinha (cachaca and limes if you've never had one.)
4. Tuaca and water on the rocks
5. Black Russian
6. Hop, skip, and go naked (In a pitcher combine a thawed container of frozen lemonade concentrate, enough vodka to fill that lemonade container, and one beer. It's so delicious and seemingly harmless that you're nearly certain to make a fool of yourself.)

5 really memorable cartoon quotes

1. Simon says . . . freeze!
2. Nothing up my sleeves . . .presto!
3. How many lumps? Oh, three or four.
4. I hate meeses to pieces.
5. Eep Op Ork Means I Love You.

For extra credit, name the character and cartoon.

5 bands from the ultimate concert circa 1982

1. Devo
2. The Cars
3. The Police
4. Elvis Costello
5. The Talking Heads

3 things I'd wish for if I had 3 wishes to waste.

1. A side-kick who supported my punchlines and further defined my character.
2. An interesting central location in which my adventures might unfold.
3. A group of writers who might spice up my relatively quiet existence.

My 4 favorite hiding games.

1. Ditch-em
2. Kick the can
3. Spotlight
4. Two hour lunch

SPECIAL LIST: 10 happy thoughts to combat my recently negative lists.

1. It's an awfully nice spring so far.
2. Two more weeks of a spring semester and the stress ends.
3. All of my finger and toe nails are fully functional and fungus-free.
4. Nearly a week without earthquakes.
5. If called upon, I am prepared remain in bed an entire day thereby making the world a better place in my absence.
6. Certain brands of beer available in 30-packs. That would last me 20 minutes longer than a standard case.
7. For all I know, I am in the prime of my life.
8. 243 days until Christmas.
9. Surely there can only be one Andrew Lloyd Weber night on American Idol so that threat has passed forever.
10. I understand that we have 5 billion years before the Andromeda galaxy slams into our our own forever destroying all earthly things.

7 things wrong with Catie Girls

1. Tuna burger was dry and mealy even though I was warned it would be cooked rare.
2. Roasted vegetable chips had clearly sat in a warming oven too long and were hard and dried out.
3. I got 3 shot glasses of soup as a side? Why 3 when a similar amount might have been contained by a . . . cup? If 3 shot glasses were so necessary, why not 3 different soup shots? How about just plain old - why?
4. Tuna burger bun was soaked through with butter so that it was inedible and fell apart in my hands as soon as I touched it.
5. Jerk fried chicken didn't have a crust? Does fried chicken have rubbery skin instead of crust?
6. Corn bread was undercooked. Mmmmm, lukewarm dough.
7. Everything was so salty, including the margarita, it seems that Lot's wife was working the kitchen tonight. Could there be anymore salt in town or did we eat it all?

7 reasons Hillary Clinton shouldn't be the Democratic nominee for President

1. If it's her and McCain, I'll have to vote for McCain (as long as he picks a good VP to finish out his term in case he doesn't survive - he's really old.) I don't think I'm uncommon in this thought.
2. A second President Clinton will be like a second Porky's movie. Sure, some were clamoring for it but that didn't make it worthwhile.
3. What kind of President drinks a shot of whiskey because a bunch of rednecks peer-pressured her? I mean some of my best friends are red-necks but I've never felt pressured to match them drink for drink.
4. Who knew that being married to a President was the experience you needed to be President? Oh, wait, only an idiot would think that . . . yep, only an idiot.
5. Do we really need another President who feels that he (or she) is owed the Presidency?
6. Because most Americans hate her and we don't need four more years of divisive, party-centered bickering. We've wasted enough years in our separate camps without getting anything accomplished.
7. Because she opened the door for a woman to win the White House but, if she actually wins, the door will be slammed shut, locked, nailed tight and covered over with bricks. (People really hate that woman so her presidency may set women's rights back to the Victorian age.)

6 plants I bought for the garden

1. Roma tomatoes
2. Serrano chilies
3. Rosemary
4. Sage
5. Sweet Basil
6. Thyme

5 things I did while failing to come up with a good idea for today's list.

1. Flossed my teeth
2. Watched a Joe E. Brown movie - "When's Your Birthday"
3. Dressed for bed.
4. Considered taking Valarian root.
5. Wrote this lame-o list.

6 red things I like

1. Wine
2. Gummi bears
3. My Prius
4. Ketchup
5. Clifford
6. The second button on Guitar Hero

3 things I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy if it weren't for an earthquake.

1. Woke me up at twenty to five which is still prime sleeping hour.
2. Shaking trees pissed off the birds and they made such a ruckus that I couldn't get back to sleep.
3. Had to listen to dozens of riveting accounts of how the bed shook moderately for 10 seconds.

5 food ingredients which prove that marketing firms think Americans are stupid.

1. pomegranate
2. soy protein
3. bifidus regularus
4. flax seed
5. antioxidants

5 more in the continuing series of what I'd rather do tomorrow than go to work.

1. Wear fiberglass socks.
2. Lick an envelope and get a papercut on my tongue.
3. Listen to Hillary Clinton tell me about 35 years of experience.
4. Take hip hop dance lessons. (Hips aren't quite what they used to be so this would be mostly hop.)
5. Call in sick. (Heeeey, there's an idea.)

8 sorts of cheese that my bad blood won't allow me to eat.

1. Cheese sauce poured all over a horseshoe sandwich.
2. Old school grilled cheese sandwich - American cheese and white bread.
3. Cheesecake
4. Nachos
5. Cheese and crackers
6. Aged provolone (not the creamy stuff but the dried sort with a crystalline structure like Parmesan that costs an arm and a leg, but hey you only need so many arms and legs and if you've got aged provolone, who cares.
7. That stuff that squirts our of can.
8. Cubes of cheese at every party

3 reasons Guitar Hero makes me cool

1. I can play green-red-yellow-green-red-yellow like there ain't no tomorrow.
2. When I use the whammy bar, it really makes my ass look hot.
3. I rock. The game says so and a game wouldn't lie to me.

6 things I miss about my freshman year of high school after watching Freaks and Geeks.

1. Cool music that came before Thriller.
2. Putting quarters into video game machines.
3. Watching R rated movies on cable.
4. Trying to get all of the fun out an evening before I had to go home.
5. The magic hours between getting out of school and the P and M getting home from work.
6. More first-times to look forward to then than now. (Anxiously awaiting first root canal now.)

4 reasons you know I'm not Johnny Cash.

1. I've been in Sun Studios, but I was on a tour and didn't actually record anything.
2. I'm one a small group of Americans who has not yet recorded a duet with Bono.
3. I'm more a man in beige.
4. Still alive.

4 factors leading to my falling asleep at 8 o'clock on a Friday night.

1. Really long week at work. Really.
2. Couch was so comfortable.
3. Margarita tipping point reached by 7
4. Ain't as young as I used to be. Not really a comment on age but on not having anything cool to do or a reason to waste time with being awake.

4 fuel facts based upon one month of Prius driving

1. On board computer says I'm averaging about 45 miles per gallon but actual miles per gallon is 38
2. 23.8 gallons of gas needed to haul myself around.
3. Gas costs average about 8 cents a mile.
4. If EPA MPG estimates were accurate, I would have traveled 100.5 additional miles on the gas I've purchased.

UPDATE: Now that the car is broken in, actual gas mileage is much more in line with EPA estimate of 48 city/45 hwy.

5 reasons old people seem so cranky

1. hobos stealing pies from window ledges
2. teenagers driving jalopies
3. elevator operators not letting common folks ascend without their supervision
4. Bette Davis eyes
5. rampant jitterbuggery

4 things my brain feels like after this endlessly long day

1. Pudding
2. An octopus out of the water
3. A tomato you find on the ground when you pull out the vines in October.
4. That stuff you scrape off a canned ham.

5 things I'd rather do than go back to work in the morning.

1. Watch Dancing with the Stars
2. Clean the litter box, without the scoop.
3. Wash down a stack of pancakes and maple syrup with a big glass of orange juice.
4. Read The Lord of the Rings in one sitting.
5. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes - those crazy Elton John Pinball Wizard shoes.

GUEST LIST: 6 Signs That I was Really, Really Tired Today

1. No shower despite the smell
2. My husband said it was like I was drunk
3. I didn't recognize by boss at the grocery store
4. The piles of clean clothes around the house waiting to be put away
5. The piles of dirty clothes around the house waiting to be washed
6. I've stripped the bed but no clean sheets yet. I have a feeling we'll be sleeping on the mattress tonight.

6 perrenials in popping up from the ground.

1. Blood wort
2. Stone crop
3. Clematis
4. Tulips
5. Bugleweed
6. Peonies

5 professions I'd like to try

1. Cab driver - I'd want to drive one of those taxicab confession cabs or the game show cab
2. Short order cook.
3. Daily cartoon strip artist
4. Movie editor
5. Designer - not one of those people who decorates rooms.

3 useful delusions

1. My job really makes a difference in the world.
2. I look pretty good for a middle-aged guy.
3. People admire guys with blogs.

If I had a hammer . . . .

1. I'd hammer in the afternoon - I really need to catch up on my sleep so mornings aren't good for me.
2. Wait a minute, I have a hammer. I hardly ever use it so I guess I'd put another hammer in my tool box with one I already have.
3. I'd be an obnoxious show-off. Hey everyone, look at my hammer. Look with your eyes, not with your hands!
4. I'd want a wrench. And then I'd want a compound miter saw. Then a bulldozer. Then one of those helicopter cranes. Let's face it, I have boundary issues so I'm better off not having a hammer.

5 reasons today sucked it big time.

1. A beautiful spring Monday turns into a nasty winter Tuesday.
2. Too many people think I'm the only one who can solve their problems.
3. Too many people think I'm supposed to do the work they get paid to do.
4. An evening spent doing the work I couldn't fit into a 9 hour work day.
5. That smell I smelled all day? Me. My cat peed in the basket of clean laundrey.