Archetypes from your local semi-pro baseball team

1. The Unwashed

2. The Middle-Aged Floozy

3. The Drunks

4. The Formerly Popular in High School Now Bald Douche Guy

5. The Trampy Librarian

6. The Drunk-Driving Convicting BMX-Riding Guy With A Mullet

7. Super Fan

8. Seemingly Parentless Children

9. Braless (men and women)

10. Fat Guy's With World Series Rings

5 things that Sarah Palin had done since she left office.

1. Took up smoking, bought the patch, quit the habit.
2. Enrolled in Intro to American Government course at the University of Alaska Southeast. Dropped out.
3. Join gym, worked out once, stopped going.
4. Join Columbia House music club, bought required CDs, canceled membership
5. Watched "Brokeback Mountain" and is convinced she could quit Jake Gyllenhaal.

Attention TV Big Shots: Here are some dating shows you haven't forced upon us yet.

1. A handsome man finds love among a group of college girls and AARP members - Age Before Booty.
2. A librarian finds her socially awkward dream man and reshelves the others - Dewey Love Me or Dewey Not?
3. Sixth-graders compete for dream dates to Disney World - Tweens Gone Wild!!
4. A terminal ill hunk finds love from a group of 24 hospice nurses - I Can't Live Without You
5. A fine, upstanding girl picks the most righteous of 24 suitors but when it's time for him to propose, she reveals that she's a porn star - The Harlot Bride

6 Academy Award Best Pictures that most have not watched but which you should watch as soon as possible.

1. It Happened One Night - You'll see this movie reflected in hundreds of other movies produced in the decades that followed. And, it's still funny.
2. You Can't Take It With You - Everything I wrote above applies here as well.
3. The Best Years of Our Lives - Includes the most romantic scene ever filmed (in which a husband and wife discuss love with their daughter by telling her how often they've hated one another.) If you actually love someone, you'll be nodding in agreement that this is the most romantic scene ever filmed.
4. Marty - Ugly people are loveable too. One of the best movies you'll ever watch.
5. The Apartment - Billy Wilder's best movie, which is saying a LOT.
6. Shakespeare in Love - This was well received but it has the word Shakespeare in its title so many avoided it. You don't need a lit degree to enjoy this one.

My least favorite Academy Award winning Best Pictures

1.  The Life of Emile Zola - who the hell is Emile Zola? I've watched it and Paul Muni is always great to watch but still . . . yawn.
2.  Around the World in 80 Days - seemed like it lasted 100 days.
3.  Terms of Endearment - based upon this, you'd think James L. Brooks made his name writing soap operas rather than classic TV comedy
4.  Forrest Gump - he was part of every tedious CGI moment of the 60s and 70s
5.  The English Patient - there's nothing more enjoyable than a burn victim
6.  Crash - it's like an After School Special rolled in poop

The Greatest Show on Earth is often referenced as the worst Best Picture winner but I'm only listed movies I'm been able to watch all of the way through.

US cities that would make refreshing smoothies.

Oops, I posted this to the wrong blog yesterday.

1. Orange Beach, Alabama
2. Citrus Heights, California
3. Lemon Grove, California
4. Applewood, Colorado
5. Orange, Connecticut
6. Coconut Creek, Florida
7. Fruitland, Georgia
8. Mt. Carmel, Illinois
9. Lime Springs, Iowa
10. Plum Springs, Kentucky
11. Belchertown, Massachusetts

5 evolutionary traits of nerds including those that give them the edge over jocks.

1. Nerds convert Mountain Dew and Skittles into follicle and facial oils, which act as irritants to jock flesh.

2. Glee club provides an opportunity to develop relationships with cute girls who might defend them.

3. A doughy physique absorbs the impact of jock punches. Jocks have developed an evolutionary response in the "pink belly" since it deals it damage to the surface of nerds.

4."Continuity", particularly in terms of Star Wars and Star Trek, is a mating ritual. Male nerds who are able retain episode numbers and plot summaries are more likely to mate with female nerds.
5. Information technology careers provide more stable income than the insurance and car sales jobs performed by most jocks.

10 unintentional Comic-Con costumes

1.  Mullet Man
2.  Desperate Virgin 
3.  The Completist
4.  The Sinister Cleavage Glancer
5.  Jiggles, The Sonic Pot-Belly
6.  Unfortunate Tattoo Girl
7.  Margot Kidder
8.  The Uncanny Basement Dweller
9.  Random Normal Guy
10.  Harry Pothead

Most talented siblings

1.  Alec Baldwin
2.  Michael Penn
3.  Jeb Bush
4.  Lionel Barrymore
5.  Warren Beatty
6.  Pauline Esther Friedman
7.  Loretta Lynn
8.  Olivia DeHaviland
9.  Jim Belushi
10.  James Arness
11.  Shemp Howard - Don't even comment Moe or Curly.  Shemp is king.
12.  Joan Cusack

Tips to help you start your career as a carny.

1.  You should expect to provide your own tee-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
2.  Fancy professional tattoos are fine but employers will be looking for prison tattoos.  You do not need to have spent time in prison - just get an ink pen and a needle and then poke away.
3.  Not all carnival ride systems use color coded tickets. You should be prepared to count.
4.  Most of your diet will consist of food fried on sticks but this doesn't mean you shouldn't carry knife.
5.  During your interview, don't bogart that spleef.  The carny life is all about sharing.
6.  A classic carny interview tactic involves the juke box (interviews tend to be in bars.)  The interviewer will hand you a dollar and tell you to pick a song.  The correct answer is Rock Me Like A Hurricane by The Scorpions.
7.  Creepiness is to be encouraged. 
8.  Never go into an interview unless you are gloriously tanned.  Pale folks aren't carny material.
9.  If the interviewer asks about Carny Wilson, act like you don't know her.

8 cars that kinda scare me.

1. AMC Hornet
2. Dodge Super Bee
3. Ford Shelby Cobra
4. Plymouth Fury
5. Dodge Demon
6. Plymouth Barracuda
7. Ford Torpedo Runabout
8. Mercury Cyclone

Now that I've made the greatest ice cream ever, double chocolate with cayenne and praliened bacon, 5 other flavors I'm considering.

1.  Stout beer with chocolate covered pretzel pieces
2.  Sweet corn
3.  Strawberry Tuaca
4.  Sweet potato and brown sugar caramel
5.  Lemon curd with angel food cake pieces

Great funny movie series kids should be watching (better these than the junk they're watching on cable TV.)

1.  Ma and Pa Kettle
2.  The Bowery Boys
3.  Francis the Talking Mule
4.  Abbott and Costello
5.  Maisie
6.  Road movies
7.  Blondie
8.  Andy Hardy

Observations on perimenopausal waitresses and exposed boob flesh.

1.  A customer should never see a boob tattoo.
2.  A cami-top does not become appropriate waitress attire just because you're wearing your dress bra with it.
3.  If your stomach extends further from your spine than your boobs, then your boobs should be covered.
4.  If your boobs have the appearance of an old balloon that is no longer inflated, then your boobs should be covered.
5.  If any two of the following adjectives apply to your boobs, then your boobs should be covered:  speckled, wrinkled, tanned (as in leather), pockmarked, stretchmarked, hickie, poorly enhanced.
6.  If your boobs have finished their shift, then they should not be sitting at the bar drinking.  Your boobs should go home and cover themselves.
7.   If the boob within your bra is held firm but the old fleshy boob up near your chin(s) jiggles uncontrollably, then your boobs should be covered.
8.  Whatever it is that you're carrying to my table, it should not come into contact with your boobs, in particular your exposed boob skin.

Women's names that also happen to be pretty good songs.

1.  Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkle
2.  Gloria by Laura Brannigan (not Van Morrison)
3.  Amie by Pure Prairie League
4.  Beth by KISS
5.  Brandy by Elliot Lurie
6.  Bernadette by The Four Tops
7.  Michelle by The Beatles
8.  Alison by Elvis Costello
9.  Lucille by Little Richard
10.  Peg by Steely Dan
11.  Carrie Anne by The Hollies
12.  Roxanne by The Police
13.  Ophelia by The Band
14.  Angelina by Louis Prima  (Zooma Zooma Baccala)
15.  Athena by The Who
16.  Lola by The Kinks
17.  Layla by Derek and the Dominoes
18.  Angie by The Rolling Stones

10 Al Franken questions you didn't hear from the Sotomayor confirmation hearing.

1.  Which Brady Bunch girl do you feel best represents your judicial philosophy?
2.  I'm okay with this Senate thing 'cause of that "I'm Just A Bill" song but they didn't do a Supreme Court song. What exactly do they do?
3.  Did you see that Happy Days episode where the Fonz skijumped over a shark?  That was cool.
4.  1980 was the start of the Al Franken decade.  Tell me why 2010 will be the start of the Sonia Sotomayor decade?
5.  I'm not sure if this applies but I'll throw it out there anyway.  Boxers or briefs?
6.  I have this exercise I use to get a glimpse inside of other's thought processes.  Play along.  I'm Zan and you're Jayna.  Wonder Twins power ACTIVATE!  Now you have to say shape of something and I'll turn into an appropriate water-based counterpart.
7.  As a Supreme Court judge, will you be most like Simon, Randy, or Paula?
8.  Do you remember Flip Wilson?  You know where I'm going.  Here come da judge! Here come da judge!
9.  I have this card from Chris Harrison.  It says that we may forego our individual rooms and spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  What do you think . . . ?
10.  Do you know Judge Judy?  I always wanted to meet her.

The Prospect League All-Star game in list form.

1. I think I'll have a beer.
2. Hey, a home run derby!
3. Why do all of these 12 year old girls look like raccoons? Does Sherwin-Williams make mascara now?
4. Here comes, "o'er the land of the free." Is the R & B guy going to make the high note? YES!
5. I think I'll have a beer.
6. Okay, I'm not sure which it is. Either those pants are too small or her butt is too big.
7. This is the longest game I've ever seen. What inning is it . . . 5th!
8. Names on little girls softball uniforms: Brittanni, Sadye, Emiliee . . . hopefully they weren't breast-fed 'cause clearly their mamas are drinkers.
9. Thank God! Finally it's the top of the 9th and the home team is ahead. We can get this game over so I can go home. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 outs. It's ovah!
10. Why are they playing the bottom of the ninth? Am I at a tee-ball game? 1 . . .2 . . .3 outs yeah!
11. Why are they taking the field for the 10 inning? Come on, hold them, you're still up by one run.
12. Top of the 10th, 1 out, man on 1st and 3rd. There going to at least tie it and then I'll be here until morning. Long drive to center field, it's caught, the throw to home is perfect! So good the guy on third stops and goes back but the guy on first is going for second! Catcher throws to second - double play! Let's go home!
13. Why are they taking the field for the bottom of the 10th? They've now lost twice. Why does the coach keep coming out to talk to the pitcher? You gotta be kiddin' me, you're bringing in a reliever? "You can't win!"
14. Come on guys! Stop scoring runs, you've already won.
15. Yeah! Pretty fireworks.

10 songs that go poorly with garlic and sunlight.

1.  Blood on the Dance Floor by Michael Jackson
2.  Raining Blood by Slayer
3.  Dracula's Wedding by Outkast
4.  Love Bites by Def Leppard
5.  Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox
6.  The Stake by Steve Miller Band
7.  Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde
8.  We Bite by the Misfits
9.  Blood Stains and Bite Marks by Whole Wheat Bread
10. Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance

5 Match Game questions found in the Old Testament - Mark Goodson edition.

1.  Lot’s wife was a shameless harlot.  One night,
when they had guests for dinner, another woman’s husband asked her to
pass the salt and she handed him BLANK
2.  Noah was sooo dumb.  He thought God said that he would strain for forty days and nights so he built the world’s largest BLANK
3.  Mrs. Moses was the jealous type.  She went through the roof when she heard Moses talking about the BLANK
4.  Joseph said, "I'm never sending my coat to the dry cleaner again.  The last time I did,  it came back BLANK
5.  John McCain didn't kill his brother Abel, he just forgot to BLANK him.  (Yes, he's that old.)

5 ways that cheerleaders are like pancakes.

1.  They preferred to be stacked.
2.  They'd rather be golden than pale and tepid.
3.  They're sticky sweet but too much of them can make you sick to your stomach
4.  They both liked to be flipped.
5.  Similar IQs

Guest List: Attention world, stop using these words and phrases.

This idea comes from Dave. He started a furious email chain of people from 3 states using company time to goof on a Friday morning.

At the end of the day (Lou)
Any melding of celebrity names like Brangelina (Lou)
(Marty gets credit for creating a celebrity nickname for the future Sarah Palin/Dick Cheney pairing - Ditch.)
Sarah Palin (Lou)
Metrosexual (Mary)
Manny duty (Mary)
MANicure (Mary)
Cremains (Mary)
Showmance (Mary)
True Dat (Dave)
That's what she said (Dave)

Pud (Dave)
Fuc*in A (Dave)
Staycation (Dave)
Bromance (Dave)
Vetting (Dave)
Baby's Mama (Dave)

Before we elevate some flash-in-the-pan as the new King of Pop, let's take some time to celebrate some other Kings of Things.

1. King of Cage
2. King of Steaks (that's cheese steaks for you who don't know Pat's)
3. King of Bingo (I love that the king of bingo supplies is a leprechaun.)
4. King of Mushrooms
5. King of Kong (This is a surprisingly good documentary featuring one of America's finest and most patriotic mullets.)
6. King of Cornhole
7. King of the Jungle (So Lou Diamond won that thing!)
8. King of Stink (You'll note that this is a new and improved website so hard telling what it looked like before.)
9. King of Hobos (All hail King Stretch and his fair Queen Ct. Tootsie)

A My Daily List cooking tip: how to kill that tasty lobster without all of the guilt.

1. Encourage it to smoke by showing it old movies with rugged leading-lobsters who smoke filterless Chesterfield. Wait 30 years.
2. Set it up on a date with Kate Gosselin. Once it wishes it were dead you'll be doing it a favor with the big pot of boiling water.
3. The lobster will be filled with nostalgia and hope when you suggest to your friend, Vito, that the lobster should be "swimming with the fishes."
4. Suggest you heard another lobster saying that its tail is fat, that it's an ugly arthropod that no one could love, and that the world would be a better place without it. Provide whiskey and noose.
5. Congratulate the lobster on winning a once-in-a-lifetime chance to go skydiving. Forget to pack the chute.
6. Boil large pot of water. Skip initial dares and move directly to a double-dog-dare to get the lobster in the pot - even lobsters can't back down from a double-dog-dare.
7. Nurture lobster's singing ability and help it achieve a chart-topping recording career. Then, feed it a diet of grilled 'nana and peanut butter sandwiches, Dexedrine, and Demerol. Wait 20 years.
8. Under the pretense of a family renunion weekend, book the lobster in a bed and breakfast in Cabot Cove, Maine.
9. Have the lobster cast as the hunky lead in next season's The Bachelor. Have melted butter waiting for first hottub scene.
10. Tell Joe Pesci that the lobster thinks he's funny.

Snazzy words designed to allow nerds to feel good about themselves.

1.  aerophilatelist
2.  conchologist
3.  succrologist
4.  phillumenist
5.  numismatist
6.  vaccophile
7.  blogger

5 most commented upon stories from The Hobo Blogger

1. The trickle down effect of FDA control over tobacco: fewer cigarettes bought, fewer butts to pick up off the ground.
2. Stew: an affordable way to stretch your food budget or the greatest food ever.
3. Hobo vampires: true stories from the road that will chill your blood.
4. Freedom Johnson and his march to Britt, Iowa: the hobo Obama?
5. Internet access on the road: free wifi providers you can stand outside of this summer.

10 things that are on my mind this evening.

1.  Who the heck won that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here thing?
2.  Now that oil prices are down and Alaska's state budget isn't swimming in non-tax revenue, how will we know whether Sarah Palin's executive skills were up to leading them through a more real-life budget process? (Maybe I should have included this on my list a few days back.)
3.  Hilary Duff is joining Gossip Girl!!!  Who and what are those things?
4.  Shouldn't we know to allow Kate Gosselin her privacy so that she doesn't have to have her publicist releasing statements every few days?  We should really make this the cover story of People, US, and Good Housekeeping magazines. 
5.  How long has it been since I've eaten a donut? 
6.  Hey!  Big Brother starts this week!
7.  I could really use another cup of that expresso gelato I had last Saturday at the taste-of festival.
8.  I've been out of Tuaca for a long time.  I should deal with that and by "deal with" I mean go buy some.
9.  Am I lazy if I think that it's too much work to get the hammock out of the shed so I could lie in it and take a nap?
10.  I really need to come up with another set of Barry Manilow facts.

10 best cookies.

1.  The decorated Christmas cookies my sister made in the 1970's
2.  Archway Cashew Nougat
3.  Italian Wedding Cookies (all variations)
4.  Country Market Iced Cutouts
5.  Fortune cookies that aren't stale and tell you you're attractive and will be wealthy someday
6.  Toll House Chocolate Chip cookies within ten minutes of coming out of the oven
7.  Pizzelle with anise seeds
8.  Girl Scout Tagalongs
9.  Heyday Cookie Bars
10.  Ice Animal Crackers
 

UPDATE: Immutable laws of pizza

It has been suggested that since the California Pizza Kitchen does not adhere to my immutable laws of pizza, my laws must somehow be mutable. I've spoken with the management of California Pizza Kitchen and, after a great deal of sobbing, they have agreed to toe the pizza line. Look for their new signage in the coming weeks.

8 things that Joey Chestnut always has waiting in the wings

1. Rubber gloves
2. Tongs
3. A series of blocks and wedges
4. 68 Fleet enemas
5. Pulleys, ropes, and a team of mules
6. A crew of four on the miniaturized Proteus
7. A pair of pants that resembles a magic hat and a magician with a really long arm.
8. Dynamite

10 possible reasons for Sarah Palin's sudden resignation from office.

1. She plans to "hike the Appalachian Trail" (which we all know is code for some sort of filthy South American sex thing.)
2. Much more efficient to take money from special interest groups without the constant harassment from the State Personnel Board and their "ethics."
3. Needs to devote her full attention to David Letterman.
4. She needs to prep for her new show of Fox News. (When this happens, you'll think I'm an insider.)
5. She is in training to star in the film adaptation of Barack the Barbarian
6. USDA has recalled 10,000 pounds of Palins due to an e coli contamination.
7. She's been bitten by a vampire and just can't handle 19 hours of daylight in summer-time Alaska.
8. She hears Hef has a new opening in his harem....finger crossed he's lookin' for cougar for a change.
9. She wants to spend more time readin' newspapers.
10. Politicians who decide not to run for re-election are just losers who draw a paycheck and she just won't put the good people of Alaska through this. Wait, I'm just trying to come up with stupid reasons for her resignation but she actually said this.

A public service annoucement from My Daily List

True movie lovers know that 1939 was Hollywood’s greatest year with more high-quality, entertaining movies than any other single year. To honor these movies’ 70th anniversary, Turner Classic Movies is airing 39 great movies from 1939. I won’t recommend obvious choices like Gone With the Wind or The Wizard of Oz. Instead, here are 10 that might have been forgotten.

1. Ninotchka (sorry, it’s already aired) Garbo first talked in 1930 but this is the movie in which she first laughed. Screenplay by Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder and Walter Reisch and directed by Lubitsch. If these names mean nothing to you, consider this movie the start of your education.

2. Babes in Arms (sorry, it was on after Ninotchka) Mickey Rooney is on my list of people I’d be excited to meet – it’s a one person list right now. If you’ve ever had the urge to put on a show in the barn, this is the movie that put that thought in your mind.

3. Bachelor Mother (airs July 3, 9:00 AM) Ginger Rogers proved that she didn’t need Fred Astaire to make a great movie. Directed by Garson Kanin

4. Idiots Delight (airs July 3, 7:00 AM) If you loved Young Frankenstein singing “Puttin’ on the Ritz,” you should see Clark Gable give it a try. This ain’t no musical though. Expect lots of anti-war dialog that, while not mentioning Nazis, is clearly commenting on world events of the time.

5. Stagecoach (airs July 9, 2009) Okay, “The Searchers” may be the greatest western but this is a close second in my book. This is John Wayne’s first major movie and you can tell from the moment he appears in a wonderful (if slightly shaky) zoom shot, that he was destined to be the Duke from that moment forward.

6. Gunga Din (airs July 16, 2:00 AM) This is the sort of movie that Michael Bay would have made if he were making movies in 1939 (and was talented.) The action scenes and story are top-notch. Plus, you get Cary Grant, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., and Victor McLaughlin on the screen at the same time.

7. The Roaring Twenties (airs July 10, 6:45 AM) If you’re going to see Johnny Depp in “Public Enemies,” you should also try this movie with James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart. It is no slight to Depp, ‘cause he’s really cool, but even in their graves Cagney and Bogart are WAAAYYYY cooler than Johnny Depp. (I think he’d agree.)

8. Dark Victory (airs July 23, 10:00 PM) This one’s for the ladies who are weeping through Cameron Diaz’s newest cry for attention. It’s a tear-jerker but Bette Davis is so fun to watch and has so many great lines that it’s worth every moment. The best line? “I think I’ll have a large order of prognosis negative.”

9. Goodbye, Mr. Chips (airs July 23, 12:00 AM) Okay, this movie is hokey but what modern audiences call hokey, I call charming. What happens when life prevents you from achieving your dreams? Maybe you end up accomplishing more than you ever dreamed possible. (Man! That’s good, I should write movie posters.)

10. On Borrowed Time (airs July 24, 8:00 AM) You’ve seen this movie parodied on a Tree House of Horrors episode of “The Simpsons” and on “The Family Guy”. In a nutshell, Mr. Potter from “It’s A Wonderful Life” traps Death so that no one can die.

For the full list of 39 movies click here. It's worth noting that there are more great movies from 1939 than the 39 being aired on TCM -

Destry Rides Again
Drums Along the Mohawk
The Four Feathers
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Young Mr. Lincoln
Another Thin Man
At the Circus
Dodge City
Jesse James

Ten immutable laws of pizza.

1.  Simple is better - more than 3 toppings and you will jeopardize the structural integrity of a slice.
2.  There is only one crust style in pizza: thin crust.  You can build up the edge if you wish as long as the crust itself remains thin.  "Pan pizza" is just corporate lingo for greasy white bread. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Pizza Hut.)
3.  Sorry Chicago, Chicago-style pizza is not pizza.  It can be perfectly tasty, but it is only pizza in name, not character.
4.  Pizza is round and/or amoebic.  There are no corners in pizza.
5.  There is no single cutting pattern for pizza so pie-slices or longitudinal/latitudinal cuts are fine.
6.  If you choose longitudinal/latitudinal cuts, the best pieces are those four tiny bite-sized chunks.
7.  Crust bubbles are a sign of quality.
8.  Pizza requires tomato sauce.  If you wish to use BBQ, hoisin, garlic cream, etc feel free to do so, you just aren't making pizza.
9.  Pizza does not require a meat topping, but if you choose to use meat, it must be the meat of a hooved animal: cow, pig, zebra, goat, etc.  Chicken and fish are tasty, but not pizza.
10.  All great pizzas have one ingredient in common: ground fennel seed.