Now that I've finally seen the last episode of Lost, 5 things I've learned.

1. Jacob lives in a shoe? Like the little ol' lady who?
2 Hurley should odd oat bran to his diet.
3. For a surgeon, Jack sure does punch a lot. Probably the most punchingest surgeon alive.
4. Ben seems incapable in healing - how long is he going to have seeping wounds from a fist fight he had days and days ago?
5. Blowing up the island with a nuclear bomb fixes everything? That's like throwing out the fat man with the bath water.

10 Barry Manilow Facts

1. If Manilow writes a song, he makes the WHOLE world sing it.
2. Manilow doesn't botox, he just encourages his skin each time he sings "I Can't Smile Without You."
3. Manilow's piano has 89 keys. The extra key opens up our hearts.
4. Manilow isn't stuck on Band-Aids, Band-Aids are stuck on him.
5. Gold was a worthless rock until Manilow started recording albums.
6. Galileo didn't know Manilow or else he would have known that Earth orbits Barry and the sun is his personal spotlight.
7. The Pope is jealous of Manilow's fabulous shoes.
8. 80% of the power in Las Vegas is derrived from Manilow's smile.
9. Twitter has a "no Manilow" policy since their system won't allow 6 billions followers.
10. Perrier was invented because it was demeaning for Manilow to walk on tap water.

To be continued . . .?

8 Phil Spector produced songs that Phil Spector can sing in prison to pass time.

1. I Love How Your Love Me - The Paris Sisters, 1961
2. Second Hand Love - Connie Francis, 1962
3. He's A Rebel - The Crystals, 1962
4. Puddin' And Tain - The Alley Cats, 1963 (sounds sorta prison sexy.)
5. (Today I Met) The Boy I'm Gonna Marry - Darlene Love, 1963
6. You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling - The Righteous Brothers, 1965 (they say it's easier once you lose feeling.)
7. Instant Karma - John Lennon, 1970
8. Here We Go Again - John Lennon, 1986 (from the album "Menlove Ave.)

Physiological, emotional, and psychological responses in women driving an SUV

1. IQ drops by 75 points meaning even the most accomplished woman is driving with the intellect of river otter (yes, river otters are really smart but not operating-a-vehicle smart.)
2. Body image problems emerge forcing the woman to check her make-up and hair in the full-length vanity mirror available in most current model SUVs.
3. Eyesight is degraded so that anything that is not an SUV becomes invisible.
4. The large interior space leads to debilitating sense of loneliness and isolation. To counter this, the woman must talk mindlessly on her cell phone at all times.
5. The female mind loses its basic sense of spatial relationship. This causes the woman, who is perfectly capable of walking in a straight line, to veer aimlessly from side-to-side endangering all around her. This was once thought to be a side-effect of the cell phone talking and vanity mirror grooming but is now believed to have something to do with internal cabin pressure and the inner ear.
6. When the female is driving with passengers, specifically children or male passengers, she is often afflicted with what has been termed "Hysterical Tourette's Syndrome." This affliction is long-lasting unless treated with Merlot
7. While the scientific community has yet to reach a consensus, the dominant theory is that the above mentioned factors, in combination, result is a group of physiological symptoms including increased heart rate, irrational aggression, and a stiffening of the middle finger.

7 indications that zombies have quietly invaded your small town.

1. Sign as you enter town now reads, "Welcome to the Brain Basket of the Midwest."
2. Volunteer fire fighters are suddenly afraid of open flames.
3. Gladys, the waitress at the local diner, has always been one to chew off her customer's ear but she's gotten a bit literal in recent weeks.
4. Downtown Fourth of July Celebration mistakenly promoted as an "I Scream Social"
5. The mayor decides to run for re-election, even though he died last year.
6. Local barber has been a tad aggressive when a customer asks for a little off the top.
7. Everyone's favorite bartender now laughs nervously when locals ask for a stiff one.

Having read this year's Summer Fun Guide to local events, 8 reasons I should consider moving to a more interestng town.

1. City-Wide Prostate Screening - June 2nd and 4th
2. 19th Century Clothing Workshops - June 5 - 7
3. Celebration of Life Cancer Survivor's Picnic - June 14
4. Central Illinois Daylily Show - June 27
5. Hats Off To Agriculture - July 11
6. NHPA World Horseshoe Tournament - July 27 - Aug. 8 (wait, that might be cool if you're into that sorta thing.)
7. Hummingbird Festival - Aug. 8
8. Soil and Compost Lecture - Aug. 22

Now that I've finally seen the new Star Trek, 10 phaser settings I'd like to see.

Set phasers to . . .

1. Shut up.
2. Duh! (not an actual setting, just an ironic option on the dial to be noted when someone speaks the obvious.)
3. That's enough trips to the buffet, tubby.
4. Fart (really funny when you've been drinking.)
5. Obfuscate
6. Limbaugh (replaces Powell setting.)
7. Beer me.
8. Dance I and Dance II (Dance I plays dance music. Dance II is for shooting at people's feet.)
9. Get off the road you moron.
10. SEQUEL

Dear Richard "Rich" Fairbanks, CEO Capital One Bank

I've recently received a letter saying that you will be converting my 12.9% APR into a "promotional rate" and that when the newly coined "promotional rate" expires my new APR will be 17.9% . It seems like just yesterday that my APR was 10.9%. Thankfully, I am not an average American when it comes to credit card debt and I don't owe $8400 on my credit card. If I were, this rate change to existing balances would cost me $115 additional interest ($411 in total interest) each month making it more likely that I might sink further and further into debt with you.

I imagine that loan-sharking damages your stellar reputation so I wanted to suggest a few new business ventures that might make you seem more ethical or moral:

1. Meth lab chemist
2. Back alley organ harvester
3. South of the border burro-porn star
4. Warren G. Harding impersonator
5. Creepy party clown
6. South American dictator
7. Human trafficker
8. Congressman
9. Public relations rep for the tobacco industry
10. Professional boxing promoter

You will likely need to do this under an assumed name since it would be hard to make it in a new business burdened by the name Rich Fairbanks. It would be a shame to use a pseudonym that didn't reflect your identity as well as your actual name. How about:

1. Dick Dickington
2. I. M. Douchenozzle (a good German name)
3. Howie Sucksabigone
4. Baiton Switcher*
5. Roger Mahynie
6. Willie Sleepatnite
7. Adam Swindler
8. Bill M. Retroactively
9. Robin Ulegally
10. Lance Meimaboilontherumpofsociety

*Yes, according to the White Pages, there is one guy in Arkansas with the first name Baiton.

5 things that I officially declare flowers so that I don't have to clear them out of the garden.

1. Clover
2. Dandelions
3. Dead leaves from last fall
4. Fast food wrappers
5. Angry opossums

8 hobo bumper stickers

1. I'd rather be tramping
2. If you can read this, you can probably smell me too. Can I use your hose to wash up?
3. I'm walkin' for Jesus and my soles are holey
4. Don't blame me. I don't have a residence so I can't register to vote.
5. My other car is a boxcar
6. I heart sleeping indoors (do you have a spare couch?)
7. I brake for stew!
8. Your Honor Student gave me five bucks to buy him a case of beer.

5 questions we can add to the Citizenship Test to insure that the Gitmo terrorists don't infiltrate our ranks once Obama releases them.

1. As a US citizen, which of the following activities would you consider to be a pursuit of happiness?
A) Blowing up like a greasy balloon on a diet of fast food and carbonated beverages.
B) Blowing up airplanes.

2. If you had to limit your diet for the rest of your life, which would you prefer?
A) Hot dogs, apple pie, and Southern fried chicken
B) Baba ghannouj, tabouleh, and chicken shwarma

3) If citizenship came with a complimentary magazine subscription, which would you select?
A) Playboy
B) Beneath the Burka

4. If you were a cowboy, what would you holler as you ride off on your horse into the sunset?
A) YEE HAAAAAWW!!!!!
B) AI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI!!!!!

5) A terrorist says what?
A) Screw you!
B) What?

7 things that are more dangerous than having Gitmo prisoners in your local Federal prison.

1. Bacon ceviche
2. Women driving black SUVs
3. Jeans that are too tight in the groin (for men who need to sit down only)
4. Clowns who play Santa at Christmas and who live with their girlfriend who runs a daycare in her home. See
5. Poor grammar - we all know some who nearly strokes out if you split an infinitive.
6. Erections that last longer than four hours.
7. Dick Cheney - remember, he's a cyborg killing machine waiting for the rise of the terminators.

The American Idol producers chose "No Bounderies" for the finale but Kara DioGuardi wrote 9 other songs that didn't quite work.

1. Give Me Mountains And I'll Climb To The Stars
2. You're My Angel (Can You See My House From Up There?)
3. I Am My Miracle
4. A Unicorn Is Just A Horse With A Dream
5. This Moment Is The First Day Of My Everything
6. Right Now Has Been My Today
7. Don't Wake Me From This Sleep Walk Of Dreams Come True
8. Soaring On The Wings Of Flying High
9. I'm Dreaming The Dream That Dreams of Dreaming the Impossible Dream of Dreams

A new season of The Bachelorette or barbeque - you decide.

1. meat rub
2. sauced
3. hard wood
4. finger lickin' good
5. careful or you'll get burned
6. hot dog
7. pulled pork
8. hot tub (foil pan of beer for your brats or a simmering cauldron of STDs?)
9. unrealistic expectations based upon a quiet sense of self-destructive desperation.

5 ways you can tell the difference between rock stars and bloggers.

1. Rock stars are adored by millions. Bloggers are put up with by many family members.
2. Rocks stars drop F-bombs on live television. Bloggers drop Entrecards on other people's blogs.
3. Many rock stars have coke problems. Many bloggers have Mountain Dew and Skittles problems.
4. Rock stars gain attention by sampling music from popular songs and presenting it as their own. Bloggers attract visitors to their blog by finding original material online and cutting and pasting into their blog.
5. Rock stars have not idea what #2 means. Bloggers read #2 and LOL.

7 immutable laws of dessert.

1. Cake must be portioned sequentially. Round cakes are a blank slate until the first slice is removed. At that point all future slices must follow either clockwise or counterclockwise. Square and rectangular cakes must be portioned as if you are reading a good book: left to right and top to bottom. Moving out of sequence to grab a tasty corner piece verboten. (Tony)

2. A pie is only as good as its crust. In fact, the only reason we eat pie is to justify eating crust. Consider an apple pie. What do you call the apples? Pie filling. Therefore pie is crust.

3. Bake Alaska went extinct in 1957. Stop making it.

4. While it is possible to blend cakes and pies i.e. Brown Betties, Cobblers, Pan Dowdies, etc, doing so creates ethical dilemmas. First, these Frankensteinian creations must always be made in square or rectangular pans and must follow the rule of cake. Second, while it is acceptable to scoop out portions with a spoon, you may NOT continue to spoon the fruit filling onto your portion as it oozes out from surrounding future portions. You must consider the fruit-to-topping ratio of the original product and adhere to this ratio with each portion. It is advisable that the baker label the product with this ratio to assist you in eating it.

5. Trifle presents diplomatic problems and should be avoided if at all possible. It is a chaotic mix of pastry cream or pudding, cake, fruit, and whipped cream. Your most refined guests will passively accept whatever you scoop on their plates, and possibly even ooh and aah over the event, since to them the serving will be no more than a prop to hold while they discuss their place in society. Less refined guests will insist upon scooping their own trifle but those in line will shout at them for Bogarting specific ingredients thereby leading to hurt feelings or all-out arguments. Your least refined guests will resort to physical violence at this point, possibly directed toward you for serving something called "trifle."

6. Ignore other cultures: fruit is not dessert, it is food. It only makes the journey from food to dessert if it is teamed with one of the 5 cornerstones of dessert (yes there are five corners): pastry, crust, pudding, jello, and Cool Whip.

7. Ice cream is not dessert. It is a tasty treat with no connection to the traditional dinner course system.

Eight Things I'm Too Old For....(as dictated from the road)

1. Moving furniture

2. Running (unless it's fleeing for my life)

3. Riding carnival rides (i.e., non-bolted down rides or those with heart condition warning signs)

4. Starting an evening out at 10 pm

5. Snow

6. Going shirtless and/or wearing tank tops

7. 2 old 4 SMS

8. Eating Mexican food at 2 am

(still too young for a Speedo, though)

What you see vs. what Dick Cheney sees.

1. You see Barack Obama. Dick sees a powerful Islamofascist determined to destroy America.
2. You see Colin Powell. Dick sees a no-good dirty traitor.
3. You see homosexuals and lesbians. Dick sees Sodomites and Gomorrahians determined to gay up America. (Dick squints when he looks at his daughter so that she always looks like the little girl he loves.)
4. You see Harry Whittington. Dick sees some jerk who owes him an apology for getting his face in the way of buckshot meant for captive birds.
5. You see Rush Limbaugh. Dick sees a golden unicorn running upon a totally ungay rainbow toward the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.
6. You see "Happy Days" and love the Fonz. Dick sees what appears to be the real world and loves the Potsie.
7. You see waterboarding and think torture. Dick sees waterboarding and thinks BOOYAH!!!
8. You Google Earth and say, "Hey, there's my house!" Dick sees Google . . . never mind, can't mention this or the terrorists might get him.
9. You see international travel as a way to expand your horizons and learn about different cultures. Dick sees international travel as a way to expand the chance different cultures might attempt to try him for war crimes.
10. You see small children as our future. Dick sees small children as the source of the innocent blood Satan demanded in exchange for eternal life.

6 reasonable excuses for Carrie Prejean's underaged panty-only photographs.

1. My dog ate my blouse.
2. I define marriage as a union between a man and a topless model.
3. I can't be certain how many people have sneaked a picture of me while I was changing or adjusting my clothes. (This is a paraphrase of what she actually said. For me, I can be certain the number is zero.)
4. Boobs are a central aspect of my Christianity. (That would make her a Boobtist.)
5. Donald Trump says that in today's world it's normal for there to be topless photos of beautiful women so who are you to argue with him? Are you saying he doesn't understand normal?
6. Freedom of speech also protects my boobs' right to speak their minds and they say, "Look at me, fellas!"

Songs on my dentist's iPod

1. Sweet Tooth by Marilyn Manson
2. Pulling Teeth by Green Day
3. Mental Floss by Jimmy Buffet
4. Skin o' My Teeth by Megadeth
5. (Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth by Metallica
6. Shane's Dentist by Mojo Nixon
7. Teeth Like God's Shoeshine by Modest Mouse
8. With Teeth by NIN
9. Butt-Floss Girl by Project Sisyphus (don't know the song but it's a cool band name)
10. Your Gold Teeth by Steely Dan
11. Novacaine For the Soul by Eels
12. Tooth and Nail by Dokken
13. Tooth Fang Claw by Ted Nugent's Amboy Dukes
14. Bite Your Tongue by Duncan Shiek
15. To The Teeth by Ani DiFranco
16. Serpent's Tooth by Miles Davis
17. Give Me Novacaine by Green Day
18. Summer Teeth by Wilco
19. Crooked Teeth by Death Cab For Cutie
20. And two full albums by the band Holy Molar - Cavity Search and Whole Tooth and Nothing But the Tooth