Face front culture warriors: 9 things you can do to protect marriage.

1. When transporting marriage, carefully wrap it in gay-proof bubble wrap.

2. Marry and divorce as often as possible. Each successive marriage becomes harder and more calloused so there's less chance for damage.

3. In today's troubled economy, consider moving capital from marriage stocks to marriage bonds.

4. Remember, trophy wives need maintence. Be sure to buff and polish them daily or they'll get all middle-agey on you.

5. Hire a team of security guards to protect marriage. Be careful though since security guards tend to be very fit and muscular and gay men like to work out. You might accidently hire gays and leave them alone and in charge of marriage.

6. When protecting marriage in a blizzard on the planet Hoth, cut open a tauntaun and insert marriage into its still warm viscera. (This one is specifically for nerds who want to protect marriage.)

7. If marriage gets too close to a pig, make sure it washes its hands - sing happy birthday to make sure marriage has washed its hands long enough.

8. Institute a color-coded marriage threat level ....Low or Green for Massachusetts allows gay marriage....Guarded or Blue for California allows gay marriage....Elevated or Yellow for Iowa allows gay marriage....High or Orange for Texas allows gay marriage.....Severe or Red if Bobby Jindal marries Tim Pawlenty. (Warning: ignore the fact that an illustration of this system will look like a rainbow or you will endanger marriage.)

9. Hire publicist and whore yourself on any cable news program that will book you.

In addition to "Milk The Devil", 8 Black Sabbath albums you may not know.

1. Bats For Breakfast
2. Amtrak Of The Damned
3. Look At Me, I'm A Werewolf. Arrrwoooooo!
4. Black Sabbath At The Grand Ol' Opry (this was their final album before Ozzy Osborne replaced Buck Owens.)
5. sdrawkcaB eM yalP
6. Black Nail Polish #5
7. Bong Songs
8. The Really Long Guitar Solo Collection

15 reasons to start a diet . . . tomorrow.

You should never blog on an empty stomach. All of these great pictures are from the greatest food blog - This Is Why You're Fat

1. Cheeseburger Waffles
2. Bacon Cinnamon Roll
3. Horseshoe Sandwich - my hometown specialty
4. The Thunderdome
5. Meat Cake
6. The 30,000 Calorie Sandwich
7. Chicken Fried Bacon with Gravy
8. Lankford's Gluttoneer
9. McNuggetini
10. Sloppy Joe on a Crispy Creme - I'm a Crispy Creme hater but this is a pretty picture. For a variation, try a cheeseburger, which many refer to as a Luther Vandross
11. Mega Double Stuff Oreo
12. The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt
13. Candied Bacon Ice Cream - I made this for a cookout last summer, here's the recipe
14. Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies - this is on my to-make list, here's the recipe I like.
15. Deep Fried S'more on a Stick

Hey! Another shiny thing!

This is a truly nice shiny thing. Head on over to The Soccer Mom Files to get the details and to read her truly nifty blog. She's not your typical soccer mom so don't expect handi-wipes and juice boxes.

6 of my accomplishments during Obama's first 100 days.

1. Washed the mildew off my deck much in the same way that debt was washed off Goldman Sachs.

2. Bought some new underwear. My personal attempt to grow the economy in tighty-whitey fashion.
3. Committed to a healthy diet just as we committed to a healthy troop level in Afghanistan.
4. I've quit watching "Heroes" right before we quit torturing people.

5. Survived a bout of constipation - passed more easily than the blockage in our credit industry.

6. Wrote 100 lists..

My anti-bucket list: 10 things to go to my grave having avoided.

1. Knowing the love of my fellow prisoner.
2. Attending a Celine Dion concert.
3. Skydiving - adrenaline smadrenaline, it hurts enough falling at ground level.
4. Seeing a picture of President Palin at the post office.
5. Buying one of those donut pillows one must buy after certain surgeries.
6. Being tattooed or pierced. I'm expressing my rebellious nature but being uniquely uninked or unpoked.
7. Wearing acid-washed jeans. Survived this the first time around.
8. Waxing - a sign that there's something wrong with women. (OK, another sign.)
9. Grappling with the choice of killing or not killing Hitler. (I'm still relatively young so it's best to plan for future development of time travel.)
10. Milking of all sorts: cows, goats, rattlesnakes, audience laughter, bleeding-hearts sympathy, prostate, etc.

The My Daily List guide to entering academia

So you’re a PhD!. These 10 tips will help you redirect the bitterness you’ve developed as a student towards an exciting career as a tenured faculty member – what we all call the last bastion for gentlewomen and men of leisure.

1. In your interactions with students, remember to be as surly and dismissive as possible. Dedication and empathy will only result in students draining away your valuable free-time so do your best to insure that their first interaction with you is also their last.

2. Those who came before you toiled hard to create the imaginary concept of “shared governance.” Just between us PhDs, shared governance is nothing more than a way to avoid doing something you don’t want to do. In the event that the administration expects something of you, simply call a meeting that results in a report that shared governance has broken down. Don’t worry about reprisal. The administration have PhDs as well so they expect this response. It’s what they need to get past the non-tenured wage slaves’ union so that the undesirable duty can be shifted to them.

3. Speaking of non-tenured wage slaves, make sure that you check in with yours at least once a week to insure that they are keeping up the illusion that you are doing something. Admittedly, you accomplishing something is strictly for show but this illusion will prove to be an important factor in future budget processes.

4. Work closely with your Dean’s office to maximize the number of stipends and honoraries you receive while minimizing the amount of time you are expected to be on campus. For example, if you volunteer to serve on a committee that meets once a month you should either receive $2000 or have your workload reduced by one quarter.

5. Consider the implications of #4. It is possible to double your salary AND reduce your workload by 100%. In many cases, this sort of dedication is required for promotion to full professor.

6. Volunteer to teach as many introductory and core classes as possible. Remember your own experience as a student. These classes come with teaching assistants so you don’t really have to do anything except fill out the TA evaluation at the end of the semester.

7. It is important that you set regular office hours and that you are never in your office during those posted hours. The sooner you establish that you are hard to locate, the sooner students, peers, and non-tenure wage slaves will stop looking for you and leave you alone.

8. It is vital that you publish books and articles but don’t go crazy since no one really cares. If your subject is very specific, say the role of the common grouse in the transition from the gold standard in third world plutocracies, it isn’t even necessary to actually write the book. Academic presses frequently cut costs by printing the cover and binding blank pages when it’s clear no one will ever read the book.

9. The more you discourage people from being around you, the easier it will be to retire without having done anything. A lack of grooming is an important tool. Also, sprinkle your conversations with things like, “I own a small television but only to watch PBS” and “I love jazz” and “would you like to join the Green party?”

10. In your career, you may be troubled by people who don’t have PhDs and who wish to apply some other standard to you. In these cases, use the phrase “academic freedom.” For example, if a cable news channel discovers that you have sex with goats, inform them that you have a grant to study man/goat love and that academic freedom protects your right to pursue this knowledge.

My day in answers.

1. What's that smell? (Could be dog urine, could be feet, could be olfactory symptom of a minor stroke. Probably dog pee.)
2. Do these clothes match? (Let see, what goes with tan. Beige? Taupe? )
3. Is it these clothes that smell? (Could be but it's late so just don't get too close to anyone today.)
4. Is this job worth it? (It's a vicious circle but the job pays for the liquor and the liquor makes the job fade away.)
5. How can someone be so incompetent? (The act of earning a PhD is, to some extent, an admission of incompetence.)
6. Do I want another piece of pie? (Yes, please.)
7. Is it time to go home yet? (Nope.)
8. How about now? (Not quite.)
9. What's wrong with my dog's penis now? (This time just an infection but the last two times were paraphimosis. Picture a banana getting caught out of its skin so that a doctor has to cut open the banana, put the banana back in, and then sew the banana back up. Now picture my dog's banana dragging the ground, purple, and swollen too large to fit back into its banana skin.)
10. Is is possible to write a list after a mind numbing day? (You be the judge.)

My day in questions.

1. What's that smell?
2. Do these clothes match?
3. Is it these clothes that smell?
4. Is this job worth it?
5. How can someone be so incompetent?
6. Do I want another piece of pie?
7. Is it time to go home yet?
8. How about now?
9. What's wrong with my dog's penis now?
10. Is is possible to write a list after a mind numbing day?

10 follow-ups to ABC's Dancing With the Stars.

1. Recycling With the Stars - Ed Begley Jr. sorts paper, plastics, and glass

2. Erratic Mumbling With the Stars - Gary Busey discusses current events with a coat rack

3. Botoxing With the Stars - Bruce Jenner, Kenny Rogers, Priscilla Presley Mickey Roarke, Lisa Rinna, Cher. The last one who can still blink wins.
4. Twittering With the Stars - Barbara Walters, Andy Rooney, and Larry King. The first one to turn on the PC wins.
5. Staggering With the Stars - the cast of Lost doing field intoxication tests week in and week out.
6. Catterwalling With the Stars - Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Beyonce, Madonna. They sing, we all lose.
7. Shutting-up With the Stars - Jeanine Garafalo, Chuck Norris, Alec Baldwin, and Patricia Heaton. The first one to remain silent for 30 seconds once a microphone has been pointed in their general direction wins.
8. Adopting With the Stars - America's biggest stars try to unseat existing champion Mia Farrow.
9. Chicken-dancing With the Stars - just like the current show but at a wedding.
10. Dieting With the Stars - Valerie Bertinelli become socially acceptable with the help of Photoshop.

10 fascinating animal facts which you'll never see on Animal Planet because I made them up.

1. The typical dog urinates 5 gallons a day, typically on its owner's carpet.
2. The spotted owl is legally allowed to vote in Oregon Congressional elections, regardless of their state of residency.
3. The blue whale is the biggest jerk of the animal kingdom. (Swordfish are pricks.)
4. If you do not milk a cow twice-a-day, it will explode. Al-Queda has successfully inserted sleeper-cows into California dairy farms which will, when called upon, insert udder bungs thereby rendering themselves unmilkable. This is why they're so determined to convince you that they're happy cows.

5. Rabbits are the natural worlds most dangerous animal. Terrible drivers, shouldn't be allowed on the road.
6. Chimpanzees make remarkably good soup. Wait, no! I don't mean that you should eat a chimp. I mean they're really good cooks.
7. Penguins are completely capable of flying but choose not to so that others will feel sorry for them.
8. President Franklin Roosevelt carried a pet gerbil in his suit coat pocket. When he said, in his first inaugural address, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself," the "we" he referenced was he and Petey the pocket gerbil.
9. The emu was created by Philo Lindenhurstenburger in 1889 in an effort to win the love of Sarah Bernhardt who complained to a Paris newspaper that ostriches "are tediously common."
10. The chicken came first.

What are the teabaggers doing now that they've taken over America?

1. Pursuing their unsuccessful sales careers.
2. Going out to dinner at 4 pm so they can be home in time for Wheel of Fortune and get to bed at a decent hour.
3. Worrying about what gay people are doing.
4. Sitting in front of the television watching Fox News and chain smoking.
5. Misquoting Marx and Khrushchev in a desperate effort to prove that they've been warning us for years that all of this would happen.
6. Reading the Constitution very closely in an effort to find loopholes (and ignoring the fact that they have 5th grade reading comprehension skills.)
7. Worrying about what those New Englanders are going to allow gay people to do.
8. Drinking ice tea

Look, I've got a shiny phallus

Finally, after years of practicing my acceptance speech in front of a mirror using a hair brush microphone, I've won this shiny trophy. Thanks to Screaming Me-Me.

On a totally unrelated subject, you should all be reading Me-Me on a daily basis. Her blog delivers fun day in and day out so go on . . . read her blog, I'll wait. Click here.

Oh, wait! My acceptance speech, I almost forgot. Ahem . . . thanks.

7 treatments for tequila poisoning

1. Bacon, eggs, and pancakes
2. Sunglasses
3. Midday nap
4. Old movies and a snuggie
5. Cursing under one's breath
6. Tequila
7. Brief list-making

No brain cells were damaging in the making of this week-end's list. (Many were traumatized but all were released unharmed.)

9 symptoms of tequila poisoning

1. Blurred vision
2. Slurred speech
3. Refried bean bloat
4. Topsy turvy brain
5. Salsafication
6. The stumbles
7. Spontaneous sing-alongs
8. Premature bed head
9. Random truthfulness

Bonus #10 symptom

10 tips for those who might be attending a wine tasting.

1. Wine tastings are not a competitive eating events so pace yourself.
2. I know we all create our own soft drink blends at the serve yourself station at Arby's but that sort of creativity is discouraged at a wine tasting. Red and white wines do not make pink.
3. Do not, under any conditions, challenge another taster to "wine pong".
4. The spit bucket is not intended for your chewing tobacco.
5. It is important to creatively describe your tasting experience but you should avoid adjectives like stuck-up or snobbish.
6. It doesn't matter how much you lovingly groom your facial hair, a sommelier will not pour wine into your mustache mug.
7. No, they don't have any Manishevitz.
8. Do not, under any circumstance, make a joke about the way others swish the wine in their mouths. It will seem funny because you've been drinking but, believe me, it won't be.
9. That guy in the turtleneck? He's really not interested in the summer you backpacked across Europe. He's just there to up-sell you from the white zin to the shiraz.
10. Wine tastings can lead to other odd behaviors like ballroom dance lessons, yoga classes, and book clubs. Tread lightly.

5 differences between pancakes and teabaggers.

1. One is sweet and the other is sour grapes.
2. One's goal is to stick to your ribs and the other's goal is to stick it to the man.
3. One can come with or without blueberries and the other can come with or without intellect.
4. One can be ordered by the stack and the other can be ordered by Fox News.
5. One is quintessentially American and the other is calling for armed revolution against our government.

Poor man/rich man (If you reverse the order it's not a copyright infringement.

1. Poor people have a house full of beat up old furniture they found on the side of the road. Rich people have a house decorated by a high-priced designer who paid top dollar for shabby chic furniture found by some shop-owner on the side of the road.
2. Poor people rely upon the government to redistribute wealth because they're too stupid to make money. Rich people rely upon the government to bail them out because they're too stupid to make money.

3. Poor people continue to have babies so that they can continue getting food stamps. Rich people continue to adopt third-world babies so that they can continue getting magazine covers.

4. Poor people think they deserve hundreds of dollars in Earned Income Credit even though the only thing they've done to earn it is being poor. Rich people think they deserve millions of dollars in bonuses even though the only thing they've done to earn it is being rich.

5. Poor people buy inexpensive clothes and then wear them until the fall apart, even if that means that they are woefully out of fashion. Rich people buy expensive clothes that are pre-worn and occaionally threadbare in order to keep up with the latest fashion trends.

6. Poor people get the last laugh at the supermarket with coupons. Rich people get the last laugh at the stock market with short stocks.
7. Poor people deal with emergencies by taking advantage of payday loans. Rich people deal with emergencies by firing people looking forward to payday.

10 things you can do with all of your extra kittens.

1. It's a bit prosaic but you can't go wrong with kitten juggling.
2. If you've got a lot of dishes to do and can't find the sink stopper, a kitten will work remarkably well after you hold it place for a minute or so.
3. If you're stranded on a deserted island, a kitten on stick will provide a good hour of torch light.
4. Kittens will buff Turtle Wax better than anything else.
5. Caveman clothes for all of your Barbie dolls.
6. If you're a second-string place kicker trying to make the starting line up, kittens make excellent practice balls.
7. Tabby or calico merkins.
8. If you're trapped in the tower of an evil witch, tie kittens together to create a rope down which you can escape.
9. Locate one million kitten and put them in front of one million typewriters. Insist they write the complete works of Shakespeare.
10. Given the fact that kittens run away from dogs, there's no reason that kittens shouldn't win the Iditarod every year.

7 exceptional tweetsmiths

If you aren't tweeting/twating/twittering sign up and follow these folks.

1. @Bad Banana
2. @HotAmishChick
3. @Gordonshumway
4. @TheKoolAidMan
5. @TheMime
6. @RapierWit
7. @sween
8. @fml

10 tips for creating a successful blog.

1. Post pictures of yourself making funny faces and/or wearing funny hats. This proves that you’re interesting and have a great sense of humor.
2. Don’t delete those annoying email jokes that clutter up America’s email boxes. Copy and paste them into your blog to show the world that you are hip and current.
3. Write simple sentences that are 50% curse words. Richard Pryor used this technique in his exploration of racism and urban life so it just follows that it also spices up the thoughts of white, middle-class, suburban bloggers.
4. What’s new on the You-Tube? The Internet is too big and complicated so it’s your duty to mankind to embed those videos.
5. Read dozens of other blogs. Regardless of the content post the following comment: “LOL! You rock!”
6. Kittens. 90% of successful blogs have pictures of kittens.
7. Described yourself with words like twisted, off-kilter, and wacky or suggest that you have a mental illness involving schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder.
8. Remind your readers that, while you are indeed a parent, you are totally fun and wild.
9. Nothing is more entertaining that crazy pictures with hilarious words superimposed over them. Never were poor grammer more funny.
10. Avoided creating blogs specifically devoted to list-making. No one is really interested in reading that junk.

5 alternate uses for leftover Peeps.

1. 100% silicone-free implant material
2. Earplugs for parents forced to sit through the Hannah Montana Movie this Easter weekend.
3. Toe spreaders for Easter pedi's
4. Lonely losers can carry them in their pockets so that they can say, "Me and my peeps are going to go clubbin'."
5. Craft project: head protection for overly-sugared children

My Daily List's guide to writing a list every day.

1. Turn on computer.
2. Stare cluelessly at a blank post template.
3. Pick all of the marbits out of a box of Lucky Charms and eat them in a bowl with milk.
4. Write and delete numerous bad lists.
5. Look through available liquor and try to come up with a cocktail using creme de mint, sweet vermouth, Goldschlagger, and bitters.
6. Drink 5 Cinnamintinis and hope no one is looking in on your personal shame.
7. Stare at computer again.
8. Rationalize stifling sense of self-loathing as an initial stage of alcohol poisoning.
9. Consider another poop/fart list.
10. Type up something random, click 'publish', go to bed.

8 ways the world would change if I wake up as a dog tomorrow.

1. When the alarm goes off, I'd yawn, give some human a cute, tired look, and the get back to the sleeping.
2. I'd grow out my hair and call myself Scruffy.
3. No more waiting for a commercial during a good TV show when the floor can be pooped upon.
4. I'd be the one to finally take care of those good for nothing squirrels.
5. I'm thinking this petting thing would be worth exploring.
6. Vomit would shift from something to avoid to something to eat.
7. I'd no longer look so wimpy doing the dog paddle in the pool.
8. I'd waste time chasing my tail rather than twiddling my thumbs.

8 euphamisms for constipation

1. What can't brown do for you?
2. Traffic is tied up on the out-bound toll-way.
3. My inbox is full.
4. Cool Hand Luke
5. My hard-drive is all backed-up.
6. One too many clowns in the clown car
7. Library book's a week overdue
8. The castaways have yet to leave the island

Mydailylist Quiz: Are you a 19th century British author or a 21st century starlet?

1. If you are feeling the weight of the world bearing down on you like the dark fist of an angry god, you would:
a. slowly walk from the craggy shore into the cold waters of North Atlantic until the waves pull you into their frozen embrace.
b. shave your head and attack a car with an umbrella.

2. The price of your genius is:
a. the tuberculosis that ravages your body and draws your intellect inexorably inward, trapping it like a brilliantly feathered bird in a lonely cage.
b. people who want to take your picture.

3. Your greatest humiliation rests in the hands of:
a. jealous critics who would see your reputation burned on a pyre of half-truths if those ashes might somehow burnish their own tarnished reputations.
b. photographers who got a picture of your bajingo that night you didn’t wear panties.

4. The only way to quiet your demons:
a. is within the clutches of that dread agent of your greatest pain and ecstasy: opium.
b. is cocaine and vodka

5. Future generations will remember you:
a. from the brutal honesty of your words depicting the joy, the pain, and the humanity you experienced during your all too brief time on Earth.
b. . . . . not so much. Maybe from your bajingo pictures.

Exactly who was in the audience of Fast and Furious record-setting opening weekend.

40% people who use toothpicks as a fashion accessory.
28% people with well established mullets.
10% people who thought they were seeing Race to Witch Mountain (and never knew the difference.)
21% America's tattooed masses.
1% George Bush and his security team.

5 comments to the Illinois Department of Revenue (please don't audit me.)

1. It's a really good idea to force me to file my taxes online. I needed to be knock off my high horse.
2. Your tele-filing system is brilliantly designed. I didn't have to start over once. (Three times yes, but not once.)
3. I now know by heart my spouse's Social Security number, Drivers License number, and the fabulous new 9-digit PIN that you were so gracious in providing her. Redundantly redundant.
4. It was great pulling out my 2007 Federal 1040 in order to pay my 2008 state taxes. Kind of like flipping through my old year books.
5. I don't care what everyone else says, you are not a dirty whore.

10 economic concepts applied to higher education.

1. Toxic assets: faculty members the day after they receive tenure.
2. Stimulus: the tendency for 18-years old girls to begin wearing micro-shorts as soon as the temperature reaches 40 degrees.
3. Bull market: Philosophy classes.
4. Depression: admission requirement for English Literature majors.
5. Entitlement programs: stipends required to get faculty to demonstrate a work ethic. (Sort of like plugging quarters into the pony rides at your local K-Mart. They're nothing but inanimate objects until they hear the sweet jingle of quarters.)
6. Shovel-ready projects: ? Must have something to do with free-trade coffee beans or organic farming. Who shovels anymore anyway?
7. Joblessness: "Hey, don't look at me, I just grade 'em. That's why have a Career Services Office. Now where's my stipend?"
8. Housing bubble: dorm rooms in which the inhabitants only stop blogging, gaming, tweeting, etc. in order to talk about blogging, gaming, tweeting, etc.
9. Recession: what student athletes think they've declared as a major.
10. Bailout: what staff and administration must do whenever the faculty mess something up.

To my Elmer friends (PhD is pronounced Fudd) just yanking your chain - except for you useless ones.

5 benefits of being sick

1. Sleeping in the middle of the day
2. Bedhead is not bedhead until one gets out of bed
3. Food miraculously appears whenever you're lying down
4. Snuggie can finally be used for its natural and intended purpose
5. No need to write list when it can be dictated (....read that back to me)

4 random cold medicine ramblings.

1. Boston apple sidewalk henway
2. Filter bobcat hippleton
3. Nipsey Russell towncar saucepan
4. That's it. Must now talk to a goat.

By the way, in reference to #1: about 5 pounds.

Culinary terms or substance abuse?

1. Sauced
2. Stewed
3. Pickled
4. Baked
5. Marinated
6. Toasted
7. Herbed
8. Fried
9. Slow roasted
10. Quesadillaed (I'm trying to start this one but it hasn't caught on yet.)