5 mostly true facts about Glenn Beck.

1. He is pursuing a stand-up comedy career.
2. He cuts his own hair while looking at his image reflected in the knob on the cabinet in which he keeps his cereal.
3. His first job at Fox was Tucker Carlson's fluffer.
4. He also cries when he gets stopped for a speeding ticket, during tax audits, when advertisers abandon his show - pretty much whenever he thinks squirting a few will help.
5. He doesn't necessarily believe what he says. He just imagines what you need to hear to add credence to your craziest beliefs because it makes him a LOT of money.

8 indications that I'm getting old

1. Youngsters annoy me.
2. Today's music is just noise
3. I like those pants with the invisible elastic - sansabelt
4. MLC Cafeteria is my new favorite restaurant (if you don't live near one, MLC is like a rave but with old people and at 4:30 in the afternoon rather than 4:30 in the morning.)
5. I think I have lumbago.
6. My bathroom drawer if filled with antacids, baby aspirin, sensitive toothpaste, and statin drugs.
7. The music I listened to in high school is considered retro.
8. I'm getting hard of hearing due to the tufts of hair in my ears.

5 reasons I'm rewatching LOST from the beginning.

1. I still have no idea what the monster is.
2. 10 episodes the main characters caged in a zoo must mean something.
3. Nikki and Paulo must have done something before they died.
4. I keep playing those number in the lottery and I haven't won so there must be a trick I haven't noticed.
5. To get lost in Sawyer blue eyes before the final season. (The first time through, I got stuck in a dimple and didn't make it to the eyes.)

You know you're a commie if . . .

1.  You went to a school that taught Liberal Arts.

2.  You think Giterdone is the title of a self-help movement.

3.  You've donated money to your local PBS station.

4.  You have a pre-existing condition.

5.  Your stomach resides somewhere beneath your pants and/or shirt.

6.  You think the North won.

7.  You type your lists on a Mac

8.  You don't use the word "ve-hick-al" but if you did, your vehicle would get more than 18 MPG.

9.  You turn to sad movies rather than Glenn Beck whenever you need a really good cry.

10. A God-fearing, gun-toting, hasn't-the-light-of-day-for-years-'cause-Fox-News-is-on-24-hours-a-day, America-loving person tells you that you're a commie.  (They know that the Communist Party quietly took over the US through our schools since LBJ was in office and they are the only people who can actually see Commies so you have to believe them when the tell you that you are one.)

Why I turned off The Spirit after 15 minutes

1.  It was poorly written

2.  It was poorly directed

3.  It was poorly acted

4.  It bore no resemblance to its source material

5.  Allowing Samuel L. Jackson and Eve Mendes to appear in the same movie is like allowing a goat to fly a plane.  

The September banned list - please update your systems accordingly.

1. Divas
2. Madonnas (living)
3. Hasselhoffs
4. Hurricanes
5. Overly produced reality shows (you may edit but don't arrange reality for them)
6. Cell phone holsters
7. Mojitos
8. Rachael Ray baby talk words
9. Rachael Ray
10. Vampires on television and in movies

10 things I'd want from Windows 7, if I were going to buy it

1. It should turn on and be ready to use within 5 minutes
2. It should allow me to do what I'd like to do within asking me if I really want to do it.
3. It should easily allow me to reformat my hard-drive and reinstall it once my system is corrupted. Because my system will become corrupted.
4. It should come with a detailed, simple-to-use control panel that allows me to turn off all the junk I don't want to use and which is slowing my system to a crawl.
5. It should allow me to choose an Internet-Only mode which commits 100% of my system resources to this relatively simple task.
6. It should do 20 things well rather than 1000 things poorly.
7. It should protect me from viruses through smart design rather than by preventing me from doing the work I need to get done.
8. It should realize that I'm just some guy writing a blog and not some multi-national corporation with a million employees and 2 million computers and peripherals.
9. It should recognize the millions of times that a program stops responding and figure out why.
10. It should never enter my mind. Tools are for use, not analysis.

Judging criteria for Miss Cougar America

15% - creative spackling
15% - aura of desperate sluttiness
15% - fashion statement employing Hello Kitty wear and tiny backpacks
15% - commitment to tanning bed (spray tan allowed but includes a deduction)
15% - hormonal facial hair grooming
15% - boob job
15% - willingness to stand on a stage in front of a bunch of horny men at an age when you should have a greater sense pride and self-worth.

If my job were food it would be . . .

1. A stack of pancakes with maple syrup washed down with a big class of grapefruit juice.
2. Braunschweiger soup
3. Peppermint tongue sandwich
4. Rechewed beans
5. A stew made from idiots, incompetents, leeches, and the otherwise unemployable.

Really good documentaries I watched I Roku

1. Z Channel: A Magnificent Obsession
2. King of Kong
3. I Like To Kill Flies
4. Harvard Beat Yale 29-29

10 arguments in the same vein as "It was an awfully cool August so there's no such thing as global warming."

1. I didn't die today so I must be immortal.
2. I didn't have to go into work today so I must be unemployed.
3. It's not my birthday so I must have been created in a lab.
4. Mike Tyson has never thrown a punch at me so he must be afraid of me.
5. I love chicken so I must be a rooster.
6. I looked at the calendar so I must be able to see the future.
7. I'm typing this list so my name must be Gutenberg
8. The sky is red at sunset so I must be on Mars.
9. Heidi Montag danced on TV so she must be talented.
10. No one called me a moron today so I must be a genius.

Things that are tucked inside H.R. 3200 - for God's sake read the bill!

1. Cash for Kidneys organ harvesting program
2. Government mandated cancer

3. Government option is a punchcard which allows five medical contacts per year - but you get a free bottle of Viagra if you use all of the punches.

4. Tic Tac mints now considered analgesics
5. Morgues required to hire recruiters for Obama's army of the undead
6. Democratic precinct chairs allowed to smother random grandmothers

10 things, other than ketchup, that are tasty with french fries.

1. Habanero honey (this is also my stripper name)
2. Cocktail sauce
3. Welsh rarebit sauce
4. Vinegar
5. Gravy
6. Oregano and lemon juice
7. Chipotle mayonnaise
8. BBQ sauce
9. Honey mustard
10. Milkshake

10 words you can use to insult stupid people

1. Prevaricate
2. Abscond
3. Finagle
4. Controvert
5. Repine
6. Atrabilious
7. Pernicious
8. Edacious
9. Rapacious
10. Anesthetic

Plaid things that are kinda cool

1. Scotch Brand Invisible Tape
2. Rowdy Roddy Piper
3. Butterscotch Schnapps bottles
4. Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid
5. Catholic school girl skirts
6. 80's era burn-out shirts

6 dicey live-action children's programs from my youth

1. The Harlem Globetrotters Popcorn Machine - with Rodney Allen Rippy
2. Shazam/Isis
3. Eltra-Woman and Dynagirl/Dr. Shrinker
4. Far Out Spacenuts - with Bob Denver
5. The Ghostbusters - with Larry Storch
6. The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Hour with Rod Hull and his angry emu

What to expect on the first day of the school year.

1. No parking spaces
2. Returning students happy to be back (until the homework starts)
3. People who look lost
4. Crazy people (they always come out of the woodwork and decide that the first day of the year is the best day to decide to go back to school.)
5. Girls wearing their "first day of school" outfits.
6. People wearing pajamas in public.
7. Financial aid cons skipping out now that they have their money.

State fair combinations that I enjoy

1. Corn dogs and lemon shake-ups
2. Tube tops and tans
3. Carnival rides and screaming kids
4. Rainstorms and beer tents
5. Curry and import beer
6. Hot grease and things on sticks
7. Gaudy lights and cool breezes
8. Butter cows and cream puffs

10 State Fair combinations I could do without.

1. Cankles and stretch pants
2. Eating dinner and the wafting aroma a cow dung
3. Cheap beer and high prices
4. Cover bands and functional auditory organs
5. Old ladies and prison tats
6. Large pedestrian crowds and idiots driving golf carts
7. Sham-wow barkers and holy-rollers
8. Red-necks and T-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
9. Carnival rides and not having a last will and testament
10. 80's rock bands and songs from their new albums

More productive uses for cable news people

1. Spittoons
2. Door stops. (This will require them to develop a higher-level skill set.)
3. Boiler fuel for low-income housing. (Glenn Beck could heat a Chicago tenement for the entire month of February.)
4. Toilet paper
5. Footballs. (Whenever someone did something stupid, my grandmother would suggest that they should use their heads for something besides a football. Lots of footballs on cable news.)
6. Soylent Green, although that stuff's made from humans so maybe not.
7. Boxes of rocks
8. Douche nozzles
9. Garbage cans
10. Sorry, I tried to come up with 10 but these jerks don't really have any productive use.

Other people who we might stash away in Gitmo.

1. Vegans
2. People who use the word "bling"
3. Everyone appearing on a reality show broadcast on E!, TLC, or Bravo including any Real Housewife or people with too many children.
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Lazy PhDs
6. Anyone who tells it like it is - it's never quite how they tell it.
7. Women who drive black SUVs
8. Cable news people. (I know I say this all the time but the world would be immediately improved if we drowned them all like an unwanted litter of kittens.)
9. Tweens (They might be productive citizens if we separated them from society now.)
10. Me. (This is easier than putting the rest of you morons there.)

10 indications that My Daily List has jumped the shark

1. There's only so many things you can say about hobos, junk food, old movies, and Sarah Palin.
2. Other bloggers show the common decency to quit blogging after a month or so.
3. The first 500 lists were a desperate cry for attention. The second 500 are proving to be just desperate.
4. No longer able to get a surge of readers by writing a list about nerds. (The Boy Who Cried Nerd)
5. Lists now take either 8 hours to write or 5 minutes to slop together.
6. Other list blogs have sold out so listing has lost it's indie edge.
7. Vast readership has abandoned the blog in favor of more entertaining and productive endeavors like picking scabs, sitting at the mall staring at teenage girls, and reforming healthcare.
8. Most of my readers are moms and that is sooo not cool.

9.  This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.  This is my brain on lists.

10. Most lists now written by Cousin Oliver.

Top ten leading ladies of the past decade

Jeve wondered who today's Top Ten might be so here's my shot:

1. Sandra Bullock (ok)
2. Meryl Streep (ok)
3. Renee Zellweger (Spongebob Scrunchface)
4. Angelina Jolie (meh)
5. Jessica Alba (she would be great in those Old Navy mannequin commercials)
6. Jennifer Aniston (I think she makes movies in between topless magazine covers and articles about how much she misses Brad.)
7. Keira Knightly (she does not have an eating disorder)
8. Cameron Diaz (she's her own biggest fan)
9. Scarlett Johansson (she's got some big talents)
10. Dakota Fanning (more talented than almost all of these ladies)

In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading ladies of the Depression era.

1. Barbara Stanwyck
2. Kay Francis
3. Jean Arthur
4. Irene Dunne
5. Myrna Loy
6. Bette Davis
7. Carole Lombard
8. Kathryn Hepburn
9. Jean Harlow
10. Ginger Rogers

In no particular order, the top ten Hollywoon leading men of the Depression era.

1. Cary Grant
2. Spencer Tracy
3. James Cagney
4. Clark Gable
5. William Powell
6. Robert Montgomery
7. Gary Cooper
8. Paul Muni
9. Charles Laughton
10. Fredric March

5 things comic nerds have been up to since Comic Con

1. Just coming up for air after weeks of reading back issues.
2. Tirelessly logging their displeasure with the GI Joe movie on website throughout the Internet.
3. Getting a head start on next year's costume so that they can live down this year's male camel toe fiasco.
4. Waiting for that cosplay girl to call - hopefully she didn't lose your number.
5. Slowly returning to a post-con, real-world life devoid of cleavage and filled with disappointment.

What you need to do to dismantle MY America.

1. Close all of the sno-cones stands.
2. Ban iPhone games.
3. Pay attention to morons who repeat what they've been told.
4. Add fruit flavors to beer.
5. Repeat what you've been told.
6. Make it illegal to lie on the couch.
7. That thing you heard . . . repeat it.
8. Tell me that I can't strut.
9. What you hear on TV or the radio. It's true. Repeat it as if it's fact.
10 Allow morons, who accept everything they've been told as fact without investing any effort to educate themselves or to pursue any critical review of those "facts", to control our public discourse.

what I did with all my free time today

1. Took a brisk walk to the end of my desk and back
2. Hurried
3. Exhaled
4. Worried about the dismantling of my America
5. Stupid list

What Rep. Redstate actually has on his Day Planner

8:00 - 900 - Wake up!!! I don't care which whore you woke up next to, get to the office.
9:00 - 9:45 - Score some coke.
9:45 - 10:00 - Ask staffers what you should think. Check out the new pages. Schwing.
10:00 - 12:00 - morning sesssion, it's gonna be a long night, catch some ZZZZs
12:00 - 1:00 - Quickie
1:00 - 3:00 - Afternoon session - try that Twitter thing
3:00 - 4:00 - Tell the pages you're doing job interviews (don't tell them what kind of job you want)
4:00 - 5:00 - Get talking points from Party - suggest "Obama's Death Committee"
5:00 - 6:00 - Pick up penicillin, salve
6:00 - 10:00 - Pharm. lobbyist. Do exactly as they tell you but get the money first.
10:00 - 10:15 - Call you know who. Make sure no one has found that hooker's body.
10:15 - 10:30 - Make a call - get rid of you know who.

What Rep. Redstate would like you to think is his Day Planner has in store for him.

8:00 - 9:00 - Prayer breakfast
9:00 - 9:45 - Read all of the bills currently under discussion - take your time and read slowly and carefully.
9:45 - 10:00 - Quietly reflect upon the sanctity of marriage
10:00 - 12:00 - Morning session
12:00 - 1:00 - Listen to Rush, eat sandwich
1:00 - 300 - Afternoon session
3:00 - 4:00 - shoot and field-dress moose.
4:00 - 5:00 - pray, clean gun
5:00 - 6:00 - Dr's appointment (don't worry, it's free)
6:00 - 10:00 - Meet with pharm. reps about grassroots movement. Get $$$
10:00 - 10:15 - Pray, count $$$
10:15 - 10:30 - Call wife, pray as a couple, discussing shooting something.

10 favorite iPhone games.

1. Fieldrunners
2. The Deep (pinball)
3. Squares
4. Flight Control
5. Peggle
6. Unblock Me
7. Nine Gaps
8. The Price Is Right
9. Moonlights
10. Movie Lights

(I should probably be doing something more productive)

Did I mention I saw the world's scariest bug? Here are some other bugs.

This bad boy was an inch long

1. Dune Buggy by The Presidents of the United States
2. Bugs Bunny
3. The Bugaloos - like H.R. Puffinstuff but with bugs
4. Marty Feldman - he was bug-eyed
5. Scrooge - bah, humbug!

UPDATE: It appears that this may be a velvet ant which is a wingless wasp often called a cow killer because their sting is so painful it is said to be enough to kill a cow.

A plan in development: How to deal with the national crisis that is E! televsion network.

1. Airlift Joel McHale and his fellow writers to a better basic cable network.
2. Poison the vats of spray-tan in the TMZ
3. Make the paparazzi an offer they can't refuse.
4. Sit down with the Kardashians and have a heart-to-heart talk in which they come to the realization that they are uninteresting and pudgy.
5. Have Obama make a national address in which he explains that the concept of celebrity news may exist but that "news" implies more than reading US Magazine on the air or telling us that some 14 year-old starlet thinks she'll be a good mom.
6. If Obama national address doesn't work, activate National Guard.

sugar is to sweet as Dead Head is to . . .

1. Entering third decade of living in parents' house.
2. Needs a bath, haircut, shave.
3. Isn't sure where they left their van.
4. Has desperately searched for meaning in other jam bands since 8/9/95.
5. Staring at what might be a fly on the ceiling . . .wait, no just a shadow. Still, that's a pretty cool shadow 'cause it looks just like a fly.
6. Making pancakes.
7. Thinking about going back to school (where sleeping late and accomplishing nothing is an acceptable lifestyle.)
8. Trying to get the band together tonight.
9. Sitting in a job interview explaining that dreads have antecedents in island culture and are not the result of not shampooing.
10. Truckin' (for what that's worth.)

My life (my life) would not suck (would not suck) without you.

1. Comcast Cable
2. Politicians
3. Richard Marx
4. Tie-dyed shirts
5. Unnecessarily fat people (chunky is fine, big-boned is fine, but stop at 14 trips to the buffet already, you can't even walk.)
6. "Experts"
7. Drama queens - men and women
8. Paula Abdul - oops, never mind
9. Anyone who waits until August and then think "hey, I oughts ta go back ta school."
10. Daily List

Why yesterday's list didn't appear until today

1. Comcast employees occasionly mistake wires for black licorice.
2. Comcast Internet service is designed to work ONLY if you don't use it.
3. I keep forgetting that there are usage limitations: 50Kb per day.
4. Comcast policy (my true understanding): until you pay us to come out to investigate why our system isn't working, our opinion is that it's working just fine - if you weren't so stupid, you'd understand.
5. Oh yeah, I forgot, Comcast sucks.
(To be clear, I've not had a problem with any of the cable systems in my town until Comcast came in and, within moments, started sucking. As I've noted before, the first thing they did was to add a $10 modem rental fee to my bill. When I called to report that I owned my modem, they responded, "We don't know who does or doesn't own their modems so we charged everyone.)

Mydailylist's guide to understanding the symptoms of depression (and determining if you need a happy pill.)

1. Do you not want to get up in the morning to go to your soul-numbing job?
2. When meeting others, do you wish you could punch them in the face?
3. In the morning, do you have difficulty choosing between rum and corn flakes for breakfast?
4. Do you care/worry about Brangelina? Is it happy?
5. Do you deep-fry salads, Tubby?
6. Do you feel the constant pressure of writing lists?
7. Did you buy a dog so you'd have something to kick?
8. Did you get married so you'd have something to kick?
9. In recent weeks, did you feel you had no other option but to leave your position in Alaska state government?
10. When you saw the new Michael Phelps Subway commercial, did you argue to the point of tears that that song couldn't possibly be called Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.

10 comic book movies I'd like to see (and might get to soon in some cases.)

1.  Fables

2.  Dr. Strange

3.  Preacher

4.  Kick Ass

5.  Micronauts 

6.  Moon Shadow

7.  American Flagg

8.  She-Hulk (the clever series not that other junk)

9.  Y: The Last Man 

10.  Archie Vs. The Punisher

Archetypes from your local semi-pro baseball team

1. The Unwashed

2. The Middle-Aged Floozy

3. The Drunks

4. The Formerly Popular in High School Now Bald Douche Guy

5. The Trampy Librarian

6. The Drunk-Driving Convicting BMX-Riding Guy With A Mullet

7. Super Fan

8. Seemingly Parentless Children

9. Braless (men and women)

10. Fat Guy's With World Series Rings

5 things that Sarah Palin had done since she left office.

1. Took up smoking, bought the patch, quit the habit.
2. Enrolled in Intro to American Government course at the University of Alaska Southeast. Dropped out.
3. Join gym, worked out once, stopped going.
4. Join Columbia House music club, bought required CDs, canceled membership
5. Watched "Brokeback Mountain" and is convinced she could quit Jake Gyllenhaal.

Attention TV Big Shots: Here are some dating shows you haven't forced upon us yet.

1. A handsome man finds love among a group of college girls and AARP members - Age Before Booty.
2. A librarian finds her socially awkward dream man and reshelves the others - Dewey Love Me or Dewey Not?
3. Sixth-graders compete for dream dates to Disney World - Tweens Gone Wild!!
4. A terminal ill hunk finds love from a group of 24 hospice nurses - I Can't Live Without You
5. A fine, upstanding girl picks the most righteous of 24 suitors but when it's time for him to propose, she reveals that she's a porn star - The Harlot Bride

6 Academy Award Best Pictures that most have not watched but which you should watch as soon as possible.

1. It Happened One Night - You'll see this movie reflected in hundreds of other movies produced in the decades that followed. And, it's still funny.
2. You Can't Take It With You - Everything I wrote above applies here as well.
3. The Best Years of Our Lives - Includes the most romantic scene ever filmed (in which a husband and wife discuss love with their daughter by telling her how often they've hated one another.) If you actually love someone, you'll be nodding in agreement that this is the most romantic scene ever filmed.
4. Marty - Ugly people are loveable too. One of the best movies you'll ever watch.
5. The Apartment - Billy Wilder's best movie, which is saying a LOT.
6. Shakespeare in Love - This was well received but it has the word Shakespeare in its title so many avoided it. You don't need a lit degree to enjoy this one.

My least favorite Academy Award winning Best Pictures

1.  The Life of Emile Zola - who the hell is Emile Zola? I've watched it and Paul Muni is always great to watch but still . . . yawn.
2.  Around the World in 80 Days - seemed like it lasted 100 days.
3.  Terms of Endearment - based upon this, you'd think James L. Brooks made his name writing soap operas rather than classic TV comedy
4.  Forrest Gump - he was part of every tedious CGI moment of the 60s and 70s
5.  The English Patient - there's nothing more enjoyable than a burn victim
6.  Crash - it's like an After School Special rolled in poop

The Greatest Show on Earth is often referenced as the worst Best Picture winner but I'm only listed movies I'm been able to watch all of the way through.

US cities that would make refreshing smoothies.

Oops, I posted this to the wrong blog yesterday.

1. Orange Beach, Alabama
2. Citrus Heights, California
3. Lemon Grove, California
4. Applewood, Colorado
5. Orange, Connecticut
6. Coconut Creek, Florida
7. Fruitland, Georgia
8. Mt. Carmel, Illinois
9. Lime Springs, Iowa
10. Plum Springs, Kentucky
11. Belchertown, Massachusetts

5 evolutionary traits of nerds including those that give them the edge over jocks.

1. Nerds convert Mountain Dew and Skittles into follicle and facial oils, which act as irritants to jock flesh.

2. Glee club provides an opportunity to develop relationships with cute girls who might defend them.

3. A doughy physique absorbs the impact of jock punches. Jocks have developed an evolutionary response in the "pink belly" since it deals it damage to the surface of nerds.

4."Continuity", particularly in terms of Star Wars and Star Trek, is a mating ritual. Male nerds who are able retain episode numbers and plot summaries are more likely to mate with female nerds.
5. Information technology careers provide more stable income than the insurance and car sales jobs performed by most jocks.

10 unintentional Comic-Con costumes

1.  Mullet Man
2.  Desperate Virgin 
3.  The Completist
4.  The Sinister Cleavage Glancer
5.  Jiggles, The Sonic Pot-Belly
6.  Unfortunate Tattoo Girl
7.  Margot Kidder
8.  The Uncanny Basement Dweller
9.  Random Normal Guy
10.  Harry Pothead

Most talented siblings

1.  Alec Baldwin
2.  Michael Penn
3.  Jeb Bush
4.  Lionel Barrymore
5.  Warren Beatty
6.  Pauline Esther Friedman
7.  Loretta Lynn
8.  Olivia DeHaviland
9.  Jim Belushi
10.  James Arness
11.  Shemp Howard - Don't even comment Moe or Curly.  Shemp is king.
12.  Joan Cusack

Tips to help you start your career as a carny.

1.  You should expect to provide your own tee-shirts with the sleeves torn off.
2.  Fancy professional tattoos are fine but employers will be looking for prison tattoos.  You do not need to have spent time in prison - just get an ink pen and a needle and then poke away.
3.  Not all carnival ride systems use color coded tickets. You should be prepared to count.
4.  Most of your diet will consist of food fried on sticks but this doesn't mean you shouldn't carry knife.
5.  During your interview, don't bogart that spleef.  The carny life is all about sharing.
6.  A classic carny interview tactic involves the juke box (interviews tend to be in bars.)  The interviewer will hand you a dollar and tell you to pick a song.  The correct answer is Rock Me Like A Hurricane by The Scorpions.
7.  Creepiness is to be encouraged. 
8.  Never go into an interview unless you are gloriously tanned.  Pale folks aren't carny material.
9.  If the interviewer asks about Carny Wilson, act like you don't know her.

8 cars that kinda scare me.

1. AMC Hornet
2. Dodge Super Bee
3. Ford Shelby Cobra
4. Plymouth Fury
5. Dodge Demon
6. Plymouth Barracuda
7. Ford Torpedo Runabout
8. Mercury Cyclone

Now that I've made the greatest ice cream ever, double chocolate with cayenne and praliened bacon, 5 other flavors I'm considering.

1.  Stout beer with chocolate covered pretzel pieces
2.  Sweet corn
3.  Strawberry Tuaca
4.  Sweet potato and brown sugar caramel
5.  Lemon curd with angel food cake pieces

Great funny movie series kids should be watching (better these than the junk they're watching on cable TV.)

1.  Ma and Pa Kettle
2.  The Bowery Boys
3.  Francis the Talking Mule
4.  Abbott and Costello
5.  Maisie
6.  Road movies
7.  Blondie
8.  Andy Hardy

Observations on perimenopausal waitresses and exposed boob flesh.

1.  A customer should never see a boob tattoo.
2.  A cami-top does not become appropriate waitress attire just because you're wearing your dress bra with it.
3.  If your stomach extends further from your spine than your boobs, then your boobs should be covered.
4.  If your boobs have the appearance of an old balloon that is no longer inflated, then your boobs should be covered.
5.  If any two of the following adjectives apply to your boobs, then your boobs should be covered:  speckled, wrinkled, tanned (as in leather), pockmarked, stretchmarked, hickie, poorly enhanced.
6.  If your boobs have finished their shift, then they should not be sitting at the bar drinking.  Your boobs should go home and cover themselves.
7.   If the boob within your bra is held firm but the old fleshy boob up near your chin(s) jiggles uncontrollably, then your boobs should be covered.
8.  Whatever it is that you're carrying to my table, it should not come into contact with your boobs, in particular your exposed boob skin.

Women's names that also happen to be pretty good songs.

1.  Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkle
2.  Gloria by Laura Brannigan (not Van Morrison)
3.  Amie by Pure Prairie League
4.  Beth by KISS
5.  Brandy by Elliot Lurie
6.  Bernadette by The Four Tops
7.  Michelle by The Beatles
8.  Alison by Elvis Costello
9.  Lucille by Little Richard
10.  Peg by Steely Dan
11.  Carrie Anne by The Hollies
12.  Roxanne by The Police
13.  Ophelia by The Band
14.  Angelina by Louis Prima  (Zooma Zooma Baccala)
15.  Athena by The Who
16.  Lola by The Kinks
17.  Layla by Derek and the Dominoes
18.  Angie by The Rolling Stones

10 Al Franken questions you didn't hear from the Sotomayor confirmation hearing.

1.  Which Brady Bunch girl do you feel best represents your judicial philosophy?
2.  I'm okay with this Senate thing 'cause of that "I'm Just A Bill" song but they didn't do a Supreme Court song. What exactly do they do?
3.  Did you see that Happy Days episode where the Fonz skijumped over a shark?  That was cool.
4.  1980 was the start of the Al Franken decade.  Tell me why 2010 will be the start of the Sonia Sotomayor decade?
5.  I'm not sure if this applies but I'll throw it out there anyway.  Boxers or briefs?
6.  I have this exercise I use to get a glimpse inside of other's thought processes.  Play along.  I'm Zan and you're Jayna.  Wonder Twins power ACTIVATE!  Now you have to say shape of something and I'll turn into an appropriate water-based counterpart.
7.  As a Supreme Court judge, will you be most like Simon, Randy, or Paula?
8.  Do you remember Flip Wilson?  You know where I'm going.  Here come da judge! Here come da judge!
9.  I have this card from Chris Harrison.  It says that we may forego our individual rooms and spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite.  What do you think . . . ?
10.  Do you know Judge Judy?  I always wanted to meet her.

The Prospect League All-Star game in list form.

1. I think I'll have a beer.
2. Hey, a home run derby!
3. Why do all of these 12 year old girls look like raccoons? Does Sherwin-Williams make mascara now?
4. Here comes, "o'er the land of the free." Is the R & B guy going to make the high note? YES!
5. I think I'll have a beer.
6. Okay, I'm not sure which it is. Either those pants are too small or her butt is too big.
7. This is the longest game I've ever seen. What inning is it . . . 5th!
8. Names on little girls softball uniforms: Brittanni, Sadye, Emiliee . . . hopefully they weren't breast-fed 'cause clearly their mamas are drinkers.
9. Thank God! Finally it's the top of the 9th and the home team is ahead. We can get this game over so I can go home. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 outs. It's ovah!
10. Why are they playing the bottom of the ninth? Am I at a tee-ball game? 1 . . .2 . . .3 outs yeah!
11. Why are they taking the field for the 10 inning? Come on, hold them, you're still up by one run.
12. Top of the 10th, 1 out, man on 1st and 3rd. There going to at least tie it and then I'll be here until morning. Long drive to center field, it's caught, the throw to home is perfect! So good the guy on third stops and goes back but the guy on first is going for second! Catcher throws to second - double play! Let's go home!
13. Why are they taking the field for the bottom of the 10th? They've now lost twice. Why does the coach keep coming out to talk to the pitcher? You gotta be kiddin' me, you're bringing in a reliever? "You can't win!"
14. Come on guys! Stop scoring runs, you've already won.
15. Yeah! Pretty fireworks.

10 songs that go poorly with garlic and sunlight.

1.  Blood on the Dance Floor by Michael Jackson
2.  Raining Blood by Slayer
3.  Dracula's Wedding by Outkast
4.  Love Bites by Def Leppard
5.  Love Song for a Vampire by Annie Lennox
6.  The Stake by Steve Miller Band
7.  Bloodletting by Concrete Blonde
8.  We Bite by the Misfits
9.  Blood Stains and Bite Marks by Whole Wheat Bread
10. Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance

5 Match Game questions found in the Old Testament - Mark Goodson edition.

1.  Lot’s wife was a shameless harlot.  One night,
when they had guests for dinner, another woman’s husband asked her to
pass the salt and she handed him BLANK
2.  Noah was sooo dumb.  He thought God said that he would strain for forty days and nights so he built the world’s largest BLANK
3.  Mrs. Moses was the jealous type.  She went through the roof when she heard Moses talking about the BLANK
4.  Joseph said, "I'm never sending my coat to the dry cleaner again.  The last time I did,  it came back BLANK
5.  John McCain didn't kill his brother Abel, he just forgot to BLANK him.  (Yes, he's that old.)

5 ways that cheerleaders are like pancakes.

1.  They preferred to be stacked.
2.  They'd rather be golden than pale and tepid.
3.  They're sticky sweet but too much of them can make you sick to your stomach
4.  They both liked to be flipped.
5.  Similar IQs

Guest List: Attention world, stop using these words and phrases.

This idea comes from Dave. He started a furious email chain of people from 3 states using company time to goof on a Friday morning.

At the end of the day (Lou)
Any melding of celebrity names like Brangelina (Lou)
(Marty gets credit for creating a celebrity nickname for the future Sarah Palin/Dick Cheney pairing - Ditch.)
Sarah Palin (Lou)
Metrosexual (Mary)
Manny duty (Mary)
MANicure (Mary)
Cremains (Mary)
Showmance (Mary)
True Dat (Dave)
That's what she said (Dave)

Pud (Dave)
Fuc*in A (Dave)
Staycation (Dave)
Bromance (Dave)
Vetting (Dave)
Baby's Mama (Dave)

Before we elevate some flash-in-the-pan as the new King of Pop, let's take some time to celebrate some other Kings of Things.

1. King of Cage
2. King of Steaks (that's cheese steaks for you who don't know Pat's)
3. King of Bingo (I love that the king of bingo supplies is a leprechaun.)
4. King of Mushrooms
5. King of Kong (This is a surprisingly good documentary featuring one of America's finest and most patriotic mullets.)
6. King of Cornhole
7. King of the Jungle (So Lou Diamond won that thing!)
8. King of Stink (You'll note that this is a new and improved website so hard telling what it looked like before.)
9. King of Hobos (All hail King Stretch and his fair Queen Ct. Tootsie)

A My Daily List cooking tip: how to kill that tasty lobster without all of the guilt.

1. Encourage it to smoke by showing it old movies with rugged leading-lobsters who smoke filterless Chesterfield. Wait 30 years.
2. Set it up on a date with Kate Gosselin. Once it wishes it were dead you'll be doing it a favor with the big pot of boiling water.
3. The lobster will be filled with nostalgia and hope when you suggest to your friend, Vito, that the lobster should be "swimming with the fishes."
4. Suggest you heard another lobster saying that its tail is fat, that it's an ugly arthropod that no one could love, and that the world would be a better place without it. Provide whiskey and noose.
5. Congratulate the lobster on winning a once-in-a-lifetime chance to go skydiving. Forget to pack the chute.
6. Boil large pot of water. Skip initial dares and move directly to a double-dog-dare to get the lobster in the pot - even lobsters can't back down from a double-dog-dare.
7. Nurture lobster's singing ability and help it achieve a chart-topping recording career. Then, feed it a diet of grilled 'nana and peanut butter sandwiches, Dexedrine, and Demerol. Wait 20 years.
8. Under the pretense of a family renunion weekend, book the lobster in a bed and breakfast in Cabot Cove, Maine.
9. Have the lobster cast as the hunky lead in next season's The Bachelor. Have melted butter waiting for first hottub scene.
10. Tell Joe Pesci that the lobster thinks he's funny.

Snazzy words designed to allow nerds to feel good about themselves.

1.  aerophilatelist
2.  conchologist
3.  succrologist
4.  phillumenist
5.  numismatist
6.  vaccophile
7.  blogger

5 most commented upon stories from The Hobo Blogger

1. The trickle down effect of FDA control over tobacco: fewer cigarettes bought, fewer butts to pick up off the ground.
2. Stew: an affordable way to stretch your food budget or the greatest food ever.
3. Hobo vampires: true stories from the road that will chill your blood.
4. Freedom Johnson and his march to Britt, Iowa: the hobo Obama?
5. Internet access on the road: free wifi providers you can stand outside of this summer.

10 things that are on my mind this evening.

1.  Who the heck won that I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here thing?
2.  Now that oil prices are down and Alaska's state budget isn't swimming in non-tax revenue, how will we know whether Sarah Palin's executive skills were up to leading them through a more real-life budget process? (Maybe I should have included this on my list a few days back.)
3.  Hilary Duff is joining Gossip Girl!!!  Who and what are those things?
4.  Shouldn't we know to allow Kate Gosselin her privacy so that she doesn't have to have her publicist releasing statements every few days?  We should really make this the cover story of People, US, and Good Housekeeping magazines. 
5.  How long has it been since I've eaten a donut? 
6.  Hey!  Big Brother starts this week!
7.  I could really use another cup of that expresso gelato I had last Saturday at the taste-of festival.
8.  I've been out of Tuaca for a long time.  I should deal with that and by "deal with" I mean go buy some.
9.  Am I lazy if I think that it's too much work to get the hammock out of the shed so I could lie in it and take a nap?
10.  I really need to come up with another set of Barry Manilow facts.

10 best cookies.

1.  The decorated Christmas cookies my sister made in the 1970's
2.  Archway Cashew Nougat
3.  Italian Wedding Cookies (all variations)
4.  Country Market Iced Cutouts
5.  Fortune cookies that aren't stale and tell you you're attractive and will be wealthy someday
6.  Toll House Chocolate Chip cookies within ten minutes of coming out of the oven
7.  Pizzelle with anise seeds
8.  Girl Scout Tagalongs
9.  Heyday Cookie Bars
10.  Ice Animal Crackers
 

UPDATE: Immutable laws of pizza

It has been suggested that since the California Pizza Kitchen does not adhere to my immutable laws of pizza, my laws must somehow be mutable. I've spoken with the management of California Pizza Kitchen and, after a great deal of sobbing, they have agreed to toe the pizza line. Look for their new signage in the coming weeks.

8 things that Joey Chestnut always has waiting in the wings

1. Rubber gloves
2. Tongs
3. A series of blocks and wedges
4. 68 Fleet enemas
5. Pulleys, ropes, and a team of mules
6. A crew of four on the miniaturized Proteus
7. A pair of pants that resembles a magic hat and a magician with a really long arm.
8. Dynamite

10 possible reasons for Sarah Palin's sudden resignation from office.

1. She plans to "hike the Appalachian Trail" (which we all know is code for some sort of filthy South American sex thing.)
2. Much more efficient to take money from special interest groups without the constant harassment from the State Personnel Board and their "ethics."
3. Needs to devote her full attention to David Letterman.
4. She needs to prep for her new show of Fox News. (When this happens, you'll think I'm an insider.)
5. She is in training to star in the film adaptation of Barack the Barbarian
6. USDA has recalled 10,000 pounds of Palins due to an e coli contamination.
7. She's been bitten by a vampire and just can't handle 19 hours of daylight in summer-time Alaska.
8. She hears Hef has a new opening in his harem....finger crossed he's lookin' for cougar for a change.
9. She wants to spend more time readin' newspapers.
10. Politicians who decide not to run for re-election are just losers who draw a paycheck and she just won't put the good people of Alaska through this. Wait, I'm just trying to come up with stupid reasons for her resignation but she actually said this.

A public service annoucement from My Daily List

True movie lovers know that 1939 was Hollywood’s greatest year with more high-quality, entertaining movies than any other single year. To honor these movies’ 70th anniversary, Turner Classic Movies is airing 39 great movies from 1939. I won’t recommend obvious choices like Gone With the Wind or The Wizard of Oz. Instead, here are 10 that might have been forgotten.

1. Ninotchka (sorry, it’s already aired) Garbo first talked in 1930 but this is the movie in which she first laughed. Screenplay by Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder and Walter Reisch and directed by Lubitsch. If these names mean nothing to you, consider this movie the start of your education.

2. Babes in Arms (sorry, it was on after Ninotchka) Mickey Rooney is on my list of people I’d be excited to meet – it’s a one person list right now. If you’ve ever had the urge to put on a show in the barn, this is the movie that put that thought in your mind.

3. Bachelor Mother (airs July 3, 9:00 AM) Ginger Rogers proved that she didn’t need Fred Astaire to make a great movie. Directed by Garson Kanin

4. Idiots Delight (airs July 3, 7:00 AM) If you loved Young Frankenstein singing “Puttin’ on the Ritz,” you should see Clark Gable give it a try. This ain’t no musical though. Expect lots of anti-war dialog that, while not mentioning Nazis, is clearly commenting on world events of the time.

5. Stagecoach (airs July 9, 2009) Okay, “The Searchers” may be the greatest western but this is a close second in my book. This is John Wayne’s first major movie and you can tell from the moment he appears in a wonderful (if slightly shaky) zoom shot, that he was destined to be the Duke from that moment forward.

6. Gunga Din (airs July 16, 2:00 AM) This is the sort of movie that Michael Bay would have made if he were making movies in 1939 (and was talented.) The action scenes and story are top-notch. Plus, you get Cary Grant, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., and Victor McLaughlin on the screen at the same time.

7. The Roaring Twenties (airs July 10, 6:45 AM) If you’re going to see Johnny Depp in “Public Enemies,” you should also try this movie with James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart. It is no slight to Depp, ‘cause he’s really cool, but even in their graves Cagney and Bogart are WAAAYYYY cooler than Johnny Depp. (I think he’d agree.)

8. Dark Victory (airs July 23, 10:00 PM) This one’s for the ladies who are weeping through Cameron Diaz’s newest cry for attention. It’s a tear-jerker but Bette Davis is so fun to watch and has so many great lines that it’s worth every moment. The best line? “I think I’ll have a large order of prognosis negative.”

9. Goodbye, Mr. Chips (airs July 23, 12:00 AM) Okay, this movie is hokey but what modern audiences call hokey, I call charming. What happens when life prevents you from achieving your dreams? Maybe you end up accomplishing more than you ever dreamed possible. (Man! That’s good, I should write movie posters.)

10. On Borrowed Time (airs July 24, 8:00 AM) You’ve seen this movie parodied on a Tree House of Horrors episode of “The Simpsons” and on “The Family Guy”. In a nutshell, Mr. Potter from “It’s A Wonderful Life” traps Death so that no one can die.

For the full list of 39 movies click here. It's worth noting that there are more great movies from 1939 than the 39 being aired on TCM -

Destry Rides Again
Drums Along the Mohawk
The Four Feathers
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Young Mr. Lincoln
Another Thin Man
At the Circus
Dodge City
Jesse James

Ten immutable laws of pizza.

1.  Simple is better - more than 3 toppings and you will jeopardize the structural integrity of a slice.
2.  There is only one crust style in pizza: thin crust.  You can build up the edge if you wish as long as the crust itself remains thin.  "Pan pizza" is just corporate lingo for greasy white bread. (Yeah, I'm talking to you Pizza Hut.)
3.  Sorry Chicago, Chicago-style pizza is not pizza.  It can be perfectly tasty, but it is only pizza in name, not character.
4.  Pizza is round and/or amoebic.  There are no corners in pizza.
5.  There is no single cutting pattern for pizza so pie-slices or longitudinal/latitudinal cuts are fine.
6.  If you choose longitudinal/latitudinal cuts, the best pieces are those four tiny bite-sized chunks.
7.  Crust bubbles are a sign of quality.
8.  Pizza requires tomato sauce.  If you wish to use BBQ, hoisin, garlic cream, etc feel free to do so, you just aren't making pizza.
9.  Pizza does not require a meat topping, but if you choose to use meat, it must be the meat of a hooved animal: cow, pig, zebra, goat, etc.  Chicken and fish are tasty, but not pizza.
10.  All great pizzas have one ingredient in common: ground fennel seed.

10 popular movies remade by the Muppets

1. 12 Angry Frogs
2. Driving Miss Piggy
3. Bert and Ernie's Excellent Adventure
4. Dr. Honeydew or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
5. The Snuffleupagus Man - the tragic story of an imaginary friend with a disfiguring disease
6. Finding Elmo
7. No Country for Old Men - Statler and Waldorf on the run from a ruthless killer
8. Nightmare on Sesame Street - Cookie Monster exacts revenge on those who burned his cookies
9. Fozzy and the Bandit
10. Animal House - AN-I-MAL!!!!!

Thanks to Barb

Careers my cats might take on to bring some more money into the house.

1.  Document shredding
2.  Groomer
3.  With their propensity for large litters, reality show star on TLC
4.  Tuna boat captain
5.  Professional vomit artist (creating mixed media masterpieces with hair and half-digested kibble)
6.  Waiter in a French restaurant (they're sort of stuck-up)

10 more books to read while pooping (which have nothing to do with pooping.)

1.  Early American Steamers
2.  The House on Pooh Corner
3.  Scat
4.  Flush: A Biography
5.  The Andromeda Strain
6.  Gone With the Wind
7.  Industrial Gaseous Leak Detection Manual
8.  A River Runs Through It and Other Stories
9.  Tales of Young Urban Squatters and How to Squat
10.  The Story of Corn

11 books to read while pooping

1.  Everybody Poos
2. The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts
3.  It Hurts When I Poop
4.  The Official Turd Book:  A Bathroom Guide to Poop, Squat, Crap, Dookie, and Butt Nuggets
5.  What Shat That?: A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity
6.  The Chew Chew Pee Express: A Magical Journey Through the Digestive System
7.  Who Cut the Cheese?: A Cultural History of the Fart
8.  Flush: The Scoop on Poop Throughout the Ages
9  Poop-Eaters: Dung Beatles in the Food Chain
10.  Please Don't Poop In My Salad
11.  Why Do Flies Eat Dog Poop: And Other Poems

Michael Jackson songs or statements that might suggest body dysmorphic disorder.

1.  Man in the Mirror
2.  Black or White
3.  Don't Stop 'Til  You Get Enough
4.  Leave Me Alone
5.  Another Part of Me

How to brush your cat's teeth

Step one: Get cat
Step two: Purchase feline toothbrush and dentifrice.
Step three: Hold cat's head firmly and use toothbrush to gently coax mouth open.
Step four: Clean and bandage wounds.
Step five: Wrap cat in a large towel so that only it's head is expose.
Step six: Hold cat's head firmly and use toothbrush to gently coax mouth open.
Step seven: Clean and bandage wounds.
Step eight: Gently hit cat in head with a hammer.
Step nine: Clean and bandage wounds.
Step ten: Ignore ridiculous suggestion that you should brush your cat's teeth.

6 words that are problematic for rednecks and other simple folk.

1.  Interred (Don't worry, Gramma is buried in dirt, not poop.)
2.  Liberally (Go ahead and apply your genital wart cream liberally.  It doesn't make you a Socialist.)
3.  Rubbery (It's not one of them fancy spas where they massage you.)
4.  Levitate  (Nope, not a book of the Old Testament.)
5.  Intern (Has nothing to do with a NASCAR track.)
6.  Condiment (They're good on a hot dog but they don't keep her from being barefoot and pregnant.)

Beer + Spending time with the in-laws.

0 beers: Just sit quietly and give her the is-it-time-to-go look.
2 beers: Sweet, sweet indifference.
4 beers: Yes, he tells you this joke every time you see him. Just smile. Smile . . .
6 beers: You know, it doesn't really matter who does or doesn't like Bill Clinton but I'm pretty sure Clinton didn't ask Barbara Streisand to help him pick Supreme Court nominees.
8 beers: "$%*@&!#$&!!" Did I say that out loud?
10 beers: "There's shum-thing I've alwaysh wanted to shay to you . . . "
12 beers: Just sit quietly and give her the sorry look (and be thankful no one will ask you back for at least 6 months.)

Hey! My 6/22 list didn't post - stupid blogger. Here is my best memory of what I wrote.

Mediocre music movies from the 1970s that are worth looking up

1. Phantom of the Paradise
2. Bugsy Malone
3. The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh
4. Sgt. Pepper's Lonley Hearts Club Band
5. Roller Boogie
6. Rock and Roll High School
7. FM
8. Car Wash
9. Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park

The first two movies, early works by Brian DePalma and Alan Parker, might be weird, but they are Oscar-nominated weirdness thanks to the great Paul Williams who also stars in the first movie.

5 Father's Day gifts for Jon Gosselin

1.  Duct Tape
2.  Bose Acoustic Noise Canceling Headphones
3.  8 macaroni pictures depicting a cow repeatedly kicking a bull in the testicles
4.  A bottle of chloroform, a basement hidey-hole, a load of bricks, and mortar
5.  A place in the Witness Protection Program (oh, what he has witnessed.)

10 more Barry Manilow facts

1 - 10 available here.

11. Olympic figure skating costumes are sad because they could have been born as a blazer for Manilow's Vegas show.
12. Every time Ryan Seacrest says "American Idol" he owes Manilow $20.
13. In the late 1970s, the Einstein Foundation briefly changed the Theory of Relativity to Excitement = Manilow X Copacabana squared.
14. If Manilow went back in time to Berlin, 1940, even Hitler would love him.
15. Manilow cannot grow facial hair since his follicles refuse to cover his beauty.
16. When Manilow sunbathes in the nude, the sun blocks its own UVB rays.
17. Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds in actually Manilow's sweat.
18. It was once thought that Manilow could not fart, but he did once. The resulting sound sold one million copies.
19. Manilow is not allowed in Burger King because his way is either gold or platinum.
20. During the height of our finanical crisis, Barack Obama briefly considered converting the US to a Manilow-based currency. While this would have resulted in an immediate rebound, our currency would have been so valuable that every other economy would have crashed.

5 nicknames for Robert Pattinson

1.  Cokehead
2.  Mr. Mussy Hair
3.  The Male Jessica Alba
4.  2015's Mickey Roarke
5.  Who?

12 musical acts on the Department of Homeland Security's No Fly list*

1. Foreigner
2. Anthrax
3. Afghan Whigs
4. Megadeth
5. Rage Against the Machine
6. Public Enemy
7. N.W.A.
8. 10,000 Maniacs
9. Foo Fighters
10. Velvet Revolver
11. Urge Overkill
12. Cat Stevens (oh, wait, I think they took him off the list.)
Thanks to Dave, Marty, Brian, Steve, Louie, and Mark

* If you are a Internet moron looking to confirm your personal delusions, please cite this list as proof of your position.

Oh please, please, please. Let one of these things happen on the final episode of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

1. Heidi and Spencer will be held to the standards of the real world rather than MTV's The Real World. In the real world, worthless show-offs are shunned and pelted with rotten vegetables. In The Real World being a worthless show-off is every audience member's greatest dream.
2. Patti Blagojevich will go on a curse-filled tirade and decide to make the camp her permanent home because living in the Costa Rican jungle is preferable to life with Rod.
3. Janice Dickinson's lips continue absorbing her brain until she is not just an idiot, but an idiot who is no longer capable of sharing her idiocy with the rest of us.
4. Congress will pass legistlation that compels Stephen Baldwin to keep his shirt on whenever a camera is capable of capturing an image that will curdle our collective stomachs.
5. Lou Diamond Phillip's agent and manager will be flown into the jungle camp and stoned for convincing him to do something that is beneath him. (I'm not saying he's a megastar but he is talented enough to have options.)
6. Pfizer will create a drug that allows idiots to fully perceive reality.

8 clowns on the American Council of Circuses do-not-hire list

1.  The Aristocrats
2.  Durex, Master of Balloon Animals
3.  Kinko the Kid-Loving Clown
4.  Suckles, The Man-Sized Baby
5.  Farmer Brown and his Amazing Ass - he works with a really tiny mule.
6.  Husani and his Happy Fun-time Exploding Vest
7.  Two Clowns, One Cup
8.  Lil' Cheney, the Paranoid Dwarf

Thanks to Bill, Mark, Marty and Mrs. Mydailylist

June 20-28 is Worldwide Vegan Bake Sale. Here are 10 things you can expect to find at your local vegan bake sale.

1.  Cookies that taste like library paste and flax seed.
2.  The pungent aroma of patchouli and unwashed dreadlocks.
3.  Dessert loaves made with all sorts of old vegetables.
4.  Warm carob chip cookies and ice cold rice milk.
5.  Cupcakes that are both tough and spongy.
6.  Self-righteous indignation repackaged as a trendy socially aware lifestyle.
7.  Frosting made from earth-friendly vegan shortening (which officially doesn't count as a partially hydrogenated oil since it's not that common bourgeois shortening you can get at Walmart.)
8.  8-grain sherbet.
9.  Tired people impatiently waiting for everyone to leave so that they can jam.
10.  Secret burger-eaters.

Local rednecks, you're always saying git 'er done (it's so funny too.) Here are 5 things that you might get done.

1. Your GED.
2. Your roots.
3. The restoration of that "classic" Camaro sitting in your front yard.
4. Your teeth.
5. Your haircut (so far you've only cut the top.)

ATTENTION LOCAL REDNECKS! I have questions for you.

1.  I might understand how you can't sit through a stop-light without spitting out the window, but how do you generate SO much spit? 
2.  Abraham Lincoln's corpse lives here.  What's with the giant Confederate flag on your pickup?
3.  I realize that you can't see your own elbows - do you know that they need a good cleaning?
4.  I know it's a fashion statement but did anyone mention that your shirt is considered underwear?
5.  Summer is a great time for outdoor festivals and community concerts.  Do you have to bring your pitbull to all of them?*
6.  Why do you ride a Schwinn Stingray? Do they even make those bikes anymore?
7.  When you get dressed up, do you buy a new ball cap or do you just have a formal ball cap you hold aside for special occasions?
8.  Why do you wear your sunglasses on the back of your head?
9.  You do realize that Camel is a brand of cigarettes and not a designer fashion label?

* Yes, yes, pitbull weirdos, it's the owner not the breed.  Although you rarely see thuggish morons  walking a poodle named Killbot so don't blame the rest of the world if we connect the breed to the morons who seem attracted to them.

9 reasons you should avoid the hobo sno-cone stand.

1. They get the ice from out behind the fish market.
2. Creative flavor combinations including Mulligan Stew, Ripple, and Beenie Weenie sound good on paper but they are a bit underwhelming in practice.
3. The yellow syrup is supposed to be banana but it just sort of tastes salty.
4. If you order a Fuzzy Navel sno-cone, they garnish it with belly button lint.
5. Kids love the Tiger’s Blood flavor but there aren’t any tigers around these parts so they use raccoon blood instead.
6. “Hold the beard hair” is considered a special order and costs extra.
7. Ordering is sort of a gamble since once they take your money, you never know when the boxcar is going to carry off the sno-cone stand.
8. A Rainbow sno-cone is just various shades of brown.
9. The tip jar is an ashtray and the tips are cigarette butts.

WRITER'S BLOCK! Here are some list ideas and an example of what might have been.

1. Words that describe both your love life and your bathroom visits.
You can get dumped or take a dump.
2. A Preston Sturges film festival.
The Palm Beach Story
3. How to tell if Match.com has hooked you up with a Sasquatch.
Her dislikes include photographers and bigfoot hunters.
4. Sure fire ways to insure that no one reads your blog.
Spend hours and hours coming up with something clever to say.
5. The Barack Obama drinking game.
Every time he nationalizes health care, take a drink

5 words that you didn't realize were actually acronyms

1.  Trump Urban Renewal & Development - T.U.R.D.
2.  Cheney Young Bioform Option & Reanimation Gear -  C.Y.B.O.R.G.
3.  Former American Idol League of UnRealized Expectations - F.A.I.L.U.R.E.
4.  Confederation Of No Good Retards Each State Sends - C.O.N.G.R.E.S.S.
5.  Barely Literate Online Goons Seeking Prominence Or Treasure - B.L.O.G.S.P.O.T..

I am sick of crazy cat ladies trying to guilt me into adopting a stray. Here are 10 ways our world can deal with cat overpopulation.

1. Austria - Katze Schnitzel (fried boneless cat with lemon)
2. Germany - Sauerkatzen (stewed cat with vinegar, brown sugar, gingersnaps,and raisins)
3. United States - Big Meow (two all-cat patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun)
4. Mexico - Gatodillas (the flatten quesadilla format means that cats which were run-over by cars don't go to waste.)
5. Italy - Veal PiCATTa (a fusion of veal and cat with a savory caper sauce)
6. United Kingdom - Welsh Rarecat (toasted cat with cheese sauce)
7. Japan - YaCATitori - (grilled skewers of cat served with a sweet dipping sauce)
8. India - Kitten Tikka Masala (tandorri-cooked, tomato-based curry)
9. Isreal - Gefilte Cat (balls of chopped cat, vegetables, and matzah meal boiled in broth and served with horseradish)
10. South Africa (I'm hoping my South African friends will help here so read the comments.)

7 personal delusions

1.  Pie counts as a daily fruit/vegetable serving.

2.  Hard work is rewarded.

3.  Repeated washing causes my pants to shrink - it's the pants I tell you, not me.

4.  Beer is a medical supply and should be covered by whatever health care reform we have in the works.

5.  Dick Cheney is a cyborg.  (I keep saying this but I don't hear it repeated on the Internet nearly enough.  Remember, refer to him as a Cheneybot-2000 Mark III model cyborg so that I'll know you're spreading my delusion.)

6.  Hats are for men, caps are for boys.

7.  A man's worth can be determined by the quality of the biscuits and gravy he cooks.

26 single entendres from Smilin' Bob of the Enzyte commercial

1. Bob continues to enjoy the big lift he gets from Enzyte
2. An offer this big . . .
3. (Visual) pushing a wheelbarrow with a 8 foot log
4. (Visual) a lady elf holding the North Pole.
5. Rumors going around about this chubby Santa
6. Santa needed some more room in his sled
7. A sleigh full of confidence and a sack full of pride
8. Ladies like the gift that keeps on giving
9. Yes, with things heating up on the old North Pole
10. (Visual) Japanese businessmen noticing LARGE shoes at the door.
11. Japanese businessmen negotiating business with Bob, “He is wood that will not bend.”
12. Continued negotiation, “He will not bend.”
13. Continued negotiation, “You are a stiff negotiator.”
14. (Visual) Bob accepts their offer by holding his arm out to toast with sake.
15. While skiing, Bob needs a lift.
16. By the pool, “Bob is livin’ large.”
17. In a few weeks, “he has a big spring of confidence.”
18. Also, “a generous swelling of pride.”
19. After a few weeks he has, “a uplifting measure of pride.”
20. (Visual) Bowling shoe guy sticking his finger in a bowling ball hole.
21. (Visual) Bob’s bowling shoes are enormous.
22. While playing poker, Bob has been dealt more than a full house of confidence.
23. When the stakes are this high, there’s some things you can’t bluff.
24. At the hardware store, Bob is learning a little about working with wood.
25. Rules: #1 the quality of wood is important, #2 there is a proper tool for every project, #3 working with wood can be both fun and rewarding.
26. The wonders of wood are brought to you by Enzyte

This idea came from MTEfun

6 snippets of conversation from our summer family picnic.

1. There was a constant supply of bitches . . .
2. Socks are for Cheetos finger cheese residue . . .
3. Oh no, he peed on your truck . . .
4. Hey, Kate, I need a naked lady in here . . .
5. He pooped in the car on the way down . . .
6. They were putting an IV in and blood starteded squirting everywhere. At that point I was asked to leave the room . . .

5 sounds I'd prefer my body not make.

1. My right shoulder snaps like a large stick has been broken.
2. My knees sound like broken glass and sand when I squat.
3. My nose snores loud enough to wake me.
4. My guts gurgle from too many bean-based dinners (nope, not a vegan just like my beans.)
5. My mouth insists on saying stupid things.

ATTENTION: Superman nerds of the Internet, I have questions.

1. Does Clark Kent have a belly button?
2. If Superman were real, would he file a restraining order against Nicholas Cage?
3. Who would win a fight? Superman or the Cheneybot-2000 Mark III model cyborg?
4. Reverse the orbit of Earth? Would that send us back in time or cause catastrophic seismic, volcanic, and tidal activity?
5. If Clark Kent were a douchebag and wanted to get the Superman logo tattooed on his arm, would the tattoo needles pierce his skin?
6. He's always wearing the blue and red spandex. What do you think - skidmarks?
7. Which is most embarassing: Krypto the Superdog, Beppo the Supermonkey, Streaky the Supercat, or Comet the Superhorse?
8. One of Superman's greatest weaknesses is magic. Does this mean he dislikes Criss Angel as much as the rest of us?
9. If Clark Kent uses sun block, would he lose his powers?
10. Gene Hackman or Kevin Spacey? (Pick the correct answer, you're a proper nerd, pick the other, you're an idiot.)

10 observations upon watching Stop Making Sense for only the second time (after 25 years have passed since my first viewing)

1. Still cool.
2. Boy, we sure did have cheek bones in the 80s.
3. Legend has is it that Adrian Belew lived above the Esquire Theater in Springfield, Illinois.
4. Speaking of Adrian Belew, enjoy.
5. Judy's in the bedroom, inventing situations.
6. Jonathan Demme isn't just good at winning Best Director Oscars, he knows how to present concerts on film
7. Movie connection: Risky Business - The Swamp
8. Flippy Floppy is something you make.
9. I don't care how much Maria Carey tries to destroy them, the Tom Tom Club is a cool band.
10. You got a face with a view.

10 songs Clark Kent should avoid if he gets on American Idol (the whole secret identity thing ya know.)

1. Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler
2. Jimmy Olsen Blues by The Spin Doctors
3. Kryptonite by Three Doors Down
4. Sunshine Superman by Donovan
5. Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five For Fighting
6. Resignation Superman by Big Head Todd and The Monsters
7. Superman by Lazlo Bane (if don't know his name you know the song.)
8. (Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman by The Kinks
9. Superman's Dead by Our Lady Peace
10. Silvergun Superman by Stone Temple Pilots

10 pairings I obeserved or experienced at the Super Walmart.

1. Short-shorts and cellulite
2. Chewing gum and toothlessness
3. Sushi and lite beer
4. Old lady buying a six-pack or Ensure and a single banana and paying with a check
5. Hair spray and bangs
6. Tramp stamps and stretchmarks
7. Lonely women and 50 lb bags of cat food
8. Black SUVs and near-death experiences in the parking lot
9. Disposable diapers and cheap wine
10. Fried chicken and diet soda